spouse recovery questions
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 145
Hi mry, thank you for sharing. I've been with my ABF for over 3 years and currently he lives with me. He recently relapsed as well, but lied about it for two months until we found out on our own when he abused my credit card. Right now, he's doing the same things as your husband--sleeping a lot, home all the time, ignoring me, etc. It's really difficult. I, too, am working the courage to go back to Al-Anon. I feel responsible and his sponsor as well as many of my friends remind me that it's not my fault and that I can't change him.
Idk what it is about step 4...because that's exactly the step my bf was on. He was raving everyday about working on step 4, had his notepad constantly writing his moral inventory, and boom, it was over. I haven't seen that note pad since. I am so grateful to have found SR because it's slowly giving me the courage and support to go back to Al-Anon. Sometimes I feel like a fool because I sit here trying to map out all the reasons why he can recover and in my mind, he can, but strictly looking at his actions, those are not a lot of signs of someone who is ready or willing to recover.
We haven't spoke for 3 days now. He's on the couch and I haven't even seen his face, just the back of his head as he drowns himself in video games. I just keep telling myself that every minute I don't freak out and blow up at him, that's every minute of sanity I am slowly restoring for myself, that's every minute of control I am getting back.
Hang in there and please continue to update us.
Idk what it is about step 4...because that's exactly the step my bf was on. He was raving everyday about working on step 4, had his notepad constantly writing his moral inventory, and boom, it was over. I haven't seen that note pad since. I am so grateful to have found SR because it's slowly giving me the courage and support to go back to Al-Anon. Sometimes I feel like a fool because I sit here trying to map out all the reasons why he can recover and in my mind, he can, but strictly looking at his actions, those are not a lot of signs of someone who is ready or willing to recover.
We haven't spoke for 3 days now. He's on the couch and I haven't even seen his face, just the back of his head as he drowns himself in video games. I just keep telling myself that every minute I don't freak out and blow up at him, that's every minute of sanity I am slowly restoring for myself, that's every minute of control I am getting back.
Hang in there and please continue to update us.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
I would say YES marriage counseling could help.
I will share my experience:
My husbands problem was drugs, not alcohol. By the time he was ready to stop; he was hooked on opiates, benzo (Xanax) and had been frequently using cocaine. To say the least he was a mess.
He entered a Non-12 Step rehab that promoted family participation. The core of his recovery was working with individual psychiatrist on his issues. The rehab gave me an individual therapist to work with. After about 6 weeks, the rehab center & all the psychiatrist & therapist suggested that we begin marriage/couples counseling.
I want to clarify that this was true marriage counseling; where we worked on issues in the marriage, things that had happened, trust that had been broken, feelings of anger, resentment, fear, guilt, shame, the works.
My husband and I both feel that going through marriage counseling when we did was actually a huge help in solidifying our marriage and getting us back on track.
Heres why: His drug use affected him individually, it affected me individually, but it also affected us as a couple. We have a baby under a year old; we were both committed to our marriage, and really wanted it to be back to a loving, strong, joyful union. There is a lot of cross-over between individual issues and couple issues in my opinion.
My husband held a lot of regret, shame, guilt, anger, sadness… over things that had happened with me. (I felt these same things toward him). By working together and confronting these things, talking about them, understanding how the other person felt, etc. much healing took place. And in addiction, my husband was able to work with his own therapist on all the new feelings that were brought out during these couples sessions; he said it actually helped him get deeper into his feelings and heal.
My husband is just over 6 months clean now. He is back home with me and our infant son. He is back to his work. He is a hands-on first time dad. I feel incredibly blessed right now. Husband still goes to his individual therapy once a week, and I see mine every couple weeks, and we do marriage counseling once a month.
So my suggestion would be Yes, marriage counseling can be helpful in early recovery. I don’t have personal experience, but I think it can also be helpful in active addiction, but only if both people are willing to work and compromise some because of the addiction.
I really feel that we are all unique, our loved ones are unique, and our relationships are unique. There is just no one size fits all when you are talking about issues that affect us so personally.
I have no knowledge of al-anon as i have not attended, but i would not be afraid to do some private cousneling just for you regardless of your decision on the marriage counseling. I had never done any before; but it really has helped me work on myself, my feelings/ issues, and this is also where my therapist helped me determine what was acceptable / not, what I would do if my husband started using again, etc.
Good Luck to both of you !
I will share my experience:
My husbands problem was drugs, not alcohol. By the time he was ready to stop; he was hooked on opiates, benzo (Xanax) and had been frequently using cocaine. To say the least he was a mess.
He entered a Non-12 Step rehab that promoted family participation. The core of his recovery was working with individual psychiatrist on his issues. The rehab gave me an individual therapist to work with. After about 6 weeks, the rehab center & all the psychiatrist & therapist suggested that we begin marriage/couples counseling.
I want to clarify that this was true marriage counseling; where we worked on issues in the marriage, things that had happened, trust that had been broken, feelings of anger, resentment, fear, guilt, shame, the works.
My husband and I both feel that going through marriage counseling when we did was actually a huge help in solidifying our marriage and getting us back on track.
Heres why: His drug use affected him individually, it affected me individually, but it also affected us as a couple. We have a baby under a year old; we were both committed to our marriage, and really wanted it to be back to a loving, strong, joyful union. There is a lot of cross-over between individual issues and couple issues in my opinion.
My husband held a lot of regret, shame, guilt, anger, sadness… over things that had happened with me. (I felt these same things toward him). By working together and confronting these things, talking about them, understanding how the other person felt, etc. much healing took place. And in addiction, my husband was able to work with his own therapist on all the new feelings that were brought out during these couples sessions; he said it actually helped him get deeper into his feelings and heal.
My husband is just over 6 months clean now. He is back home with me and our infant son. He is back to his work. He is a hands-on first time dad. I feel incredibly blessed right now. Husband still goes to his individual therapy once a week, and I see mine every couple weeks, and we do marriage counseling once a month.
So my suggestion would be Yes, marriage counseling can be helpful in early recovery. I don’t have personal experience, but I think it can also be helpful in active addiction, but only if both people are willing to work and compromise some because of the addiction.
I really feel that we are all unique, our loved ones are unique, and our relationships are unique. There is just no one size fits all when you are talking about issues that affect us so personally.
I have no knowledge of al-anon as i have not attended, but i would not be afraid to do some private cousneling just for you regardless of your decision on the marriage counseling. I had never done any before; but it really has helped me work on myself, my feelings/ issues, and this is also where my therapist helped me determine what was acceptable / not, what I would do if my husband started using again, etc.
Good Luck to both of you !
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Speaking as an addict sober two decades, we'll do anything to check out and not feel our feelings. Even today when I'm upset the first thing I do is go to sleep. He's newly sober so please don't be too hard on him. If he stays sober this will change.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Originally Posted by mry 
I told him that if he believes that I cause his drinking, then for his own recovery, he needs to live elsewhere.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Originally Posted by allforcnm
we were both committed to our marriage, and really wanted it to be back to a loving, strong, joyful union.
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