cjv2

Hello out there. I just found out yesterday that my younger brother agreed to enter a 28 day inpatient treatment program. I didn't know he was an alcoholic until that call. I am so proud of him and want to learn how best to be supportive of his recovery. However, I do have a problem. My wedding is coming up and my brother will be a groomsman. When my fiance and I planned our wedding a year ago, I did not know about my brother's disease as we live 1500 miles apart and rarely see each other. We intend to have an open bar with bottle service at dinner. (Now that seems so excessive whereas before I didn't even think about it. It's a German/Irish wedding. Definitely have some guilt about this.) As I understand it, he usually only drinks when he is alone. I've never seen him out of control at events or gatherings. He will have only been out of rehab for about 2 weeks when he comes for the wedding. At this point, we are contracted with our bartending service and cannot change the fact that there will be alcohol at the wedding. Besides that, I'm not even sure if we should consider a dry reception. I'm very new to this but aren't we as family members supposed to be sure that we don't accomodate the disease? I'm just absolutely crushed that our wedding will present such a challenge to my brother at such a delicate stage in his recovery. I'm sure that througout the entire weekend, there will be a lot of drinking happening with all of our guests. Does anyone have any advice about how I should proceed? Maybe I should just ask him what he would like me to do but I don't want to call him out while he's so vulnerable. Any advice is welcome. Thank you!

CentralOhioDad

This is your day, your event, your life. Being cognizant of his issues and totally turning your life upside because of his issues are two separate things. If you think there will be a problem, you can; a) not have him as part of the wedding, or; b) have a plan in place that if he does get out of control, that someone who is capable (bigger and stronger than him) can quietly remove him from the festivities.

A German/Irish wedding with no alcohol?!??! C'mon now!

But seriously, you have but this one day to be all about you, he has the rest of his life to work on his recovery if he so chooses. Who says he won't have his tux loaded down with airline-sized bottles and 'nip' throughout the day - becoming trashed by the reception anyway?

Congratulations! best Wishes for a long, and happy marriage!!

C-OH Dad

fedup3

I'm with CentralOhioDad, this is your day and it's all about you!

ichabod

Congrats on your wedding! It's nice that you care so much about your brother and being supportive.

Don't change your plans. Alcohol is everywhere and can't be avoided. Tell him that you care and that you admire his courage and that you will understand if he excuses himself early or does anything else he needs to in order to aid his recovery.

LivingLife4Me

I understand. I have a child getting married soon. They have decided to have an open bar at their reception. Having an AH and an open bar is very bad mix. I freaked out all over my child when I found out...the option now is that there will be other family members that are willing to escort AH out the door if he decides to act a fool. That's the only consolation, I suppose.

Sue

Hypatia

My suggestion is not to make any hasty last minute changes to your wedding plans. What you might want to do is speak with your brother openly and honestly about your concerns and your desire not to mess up his recovery, but DO NOT make any suggestions or tell him what to do. Let him make his own decision how to handle this challenge to his early recovery. Just make sure he fully understands that you will accept his decision without judgement or theatrics, even he chooses not to go to your wedding.

If he asks you something reasonable like, for example, if you could ensure there was some particular non-alcoholic drink available then of course that would be easy to accommodate. Or if he decides to participate only in the actual marriage ceremony and then skip the banquet and the rest of the weekend, then that's fine, too.

The best way to support his recovery is to treat him like an adult and let him make his own decisions.

cjv2

Thank you all so much for your responses! I'm only 1 day into this but I can't believe how much support there is out there. You are all so wonderful!

I guess I never considered that he can get alcohol from anywhere. And I'm not worried about him losing control since he only seems to get drunk alone. I just hate knowing that he will be struggling the whole time. But, I know I can't take that guilt on. I was thinking maybe I could write him a letter telling him how proud I am and that I will understand if he needs to excuse himself from activities. That way he knows he has my support without having to talk about it. Thank you all so much!

Florence

Yep, booze is everywhere.

Maybe you can add a +1 so he can bring along a sober friend to hang out with.

Learn2Live

The decision to drink is solely his. If it were me, I would give him a way out of having to come to the wedding.

Florence

That too. When AH was trying to get himself together, we had to pass on several parties/weddings. Our friends and family totally got it and were nothing but supportive.