Hopeworks

Hi BlueSkies,

I know you have been asking about information and experiences so I will share a bit about AA and those who have the most success in this organization.

AA has a number of different types of meetings... open... where people simply share and anyone can attend, open where just A's can attend, Big Book, 12 step. speaker and many more...

The most common are open meetings however, not all open meetings are created equal and they can easily drift into drunkalogues or worse... however... even a "bad meeting" in my book can be the place an A hears something profound and lifechanging.

Open meetings are often nothing but "geography" and a body filling a seat and while an introduction to the AA philosophy it is not what the heart of AA is and that is the 12 steps.

My XA once did 300 meetings in 4 months, had a sponsor, did the steps and still relapsed after about 6 months. Admittedly he started to let his recovery plan slip...missed meetings... devotion time cut short etc...

My point is that as we become emeshed in the recovery of someone we love we cling to the hopeful signs like beacons of light in a stormy sea. I wanted so hard to believe the many, many hopeful signs that I saw so many times over the 4 years I spent with my XA!

I don't want to be cynical but your son knows that you are progressing and researching and changing how you view his addiction and he will take steps to keep you hopeful and emeshed. A's need their support network of enablers and will do their part to keep us in the mix...

Authentic real recovery that STICKS for life in the AA lifestyle is accountable, committed and is centered on doing the steps. The most helpful meeting for my XA and I when he was in authentic recovery were 12 step, Big Book and Speaker meetings.

Additionally there is a great website online called XA speakers that has lots of great MP3 downloads of the best of the best from AA and alanon. You can search this website for a thread that actually lists some of the best talks. Your son ... if he has interest... can listen on his smartphone, computer etc..

If you are your husband are interested it available to all!

Try to not get too high or too low... loving detachment, trusting their HP and letting time reveal more.

Hope that helps and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers...kids are the hardest... I simply cannot imagine....

BlueSkiesAgain

I know the story sounds fishy but as a child of an alcoholic I learned alot about behaviors. The one beer son had on Saturday was while eating lunch at the local wings place. He used my debit card so I saw the receipt. Then on Weds. night he left he didn't have any cash with him and his friend bought him a beer. Normally, one beer or even beer is not normal but in these cases I do believe it.

As a teenager my dad was in an inpatient recovery place and the whole family went twice a week. I learned so much and swore that I would never live with an alcoholic. When my husband and I started dating I told him upfront that I would not date anyone who drank, period. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would have a child that was an alcoholic. I learned how to detach and not enable my father years ago. Learning to do that with a child is very different. At least for me but I am determined.

I am hopeful that AS's first AA meeting was the real beginning and that he is at the beginning of recovery. Maybe part of my problem is that I don't really see son as an adult yet because he hasn't finished college. So I am still working from the perspective of him being a child. I know he isn't but within our home he has been.

So I'm hoping for the best, expecting for the best but prepared for the worst.

HopefulmomtoD

I understand the not seeing him as an adult yet- my RAS is a very young 22 year old. However, they are adults and need to be treated as such. One of the problems that I have with my son, is that he doesn't want to be independent. He depends on my DH and I too much- and I have to frequently remind him that his life is his. His choices. His recovery. His consequences.

But, it is very hard.

BlueSkiesAgain

Worriedmom you are right. I just have to adjust to him being an adult.

Also, the AA meetings that he is going to are called closed meetings only for alcoholics. Not sure if that is the best but his counselor seems to think it is. Also, when he was arrested several months ago we got him into private treatment. He sees an addictions counselor once a week. This guy is supposed to be the best in the area dealing with young adults with alcohol problems. I do believe that son is trying and I know that he is going to each counseling session but I think he also needed something more as the counselor also thought because he is the one that recommended this AA group.

BlueSkiesAgain

I'M GROWING

First let me say that AS has decided that he didn't like living outside of the house and agreed to follow the rules. We told him he had one chance to return and this is that chance. He had his meeting with the counselor on Friday and when he came home he told us a lot of what he is feeling. It was obvious that he had a good session because he was getting lots of stuff out.

Later Friday night he decided he wanted to go to one to a friend's house. Part of living at home is no drinking, no going out with drinking friends, and he must be home by 8pm. The curfew is set until he has enough time in AA to feel comfortable going out. He tried to argue for a few minutes and I told him -

1) I have rules in my house and anyone living here will follow them
2) I am not keeping you from going out with your friends you have a choice
3) I will not live with anyone actively drinking

Notice my "I" statements?

I made these three statements and got up took my laptop and went to my room. About an hour later AS came to my room and talked for about 5 minutes. Explained his earlier behavior (he wanted a drink) and thanked me and he then watched a movie.

Then on Saturday afternoon he decided that he wanted to drop two classes in college. He explained that with the counseling, AA, and his internship that he feels overwhelmed. If he drops two classes it puts him as a part time student. I really don't know the ramifications with his scholarship. This will also move his graduation from December to next May. Instead of telling him he can't drop the classes. I explained that I thought he should drop one and gave my reasons for that. Then I told him he is 21 and an adult. If he is willing to put off graduation for another semester that is his decision. I prefer he not but as a parent I can only give my advice and he can choose to take it or not. He also knows that I will not pay for the last two classes if he chooses to drop them so he will have to work next semester. Last night he didn't ask to go out at all but he did ask if one friend could come over and play pool.

Before finding SR I would have demanded he not drop a class. I would have had a major power struggle on Friday night about going out. I am changing and it is a good thing.

dandylion

Dear Blueskies, you have my deepest empathy---from one mother to another.

This transition from dependence to independence is one of the major developmental changes in a person's life. Like the birth process, the arrival of adolescence, etc. They are seldom smooth as silk and there is inevitable conflict (change always brings conflict).

It is as hard on the mother (parent) as it is on the child---sometimes, worse. I think the one your son is in is, perhaps, the hardest for the parent. As mothers, the child becomes our first priority---beginning before birth, even. This goes on for almost 2 decades---then we are told to STOP IT! Now, the mother has to change her priorities, and her life. And it is so painful---we have to detach from that person that we carried inside our body and formed a bond that will never leave us.

I am just making a special Shout-out to mothers this morning,

dandylion