I screwed up, my addiction to the A is as bad as theirs
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 166
I screwed up, my addiction to the A is as bad as theirs
My AXGF had broken up with me over a week ago. She is actively drinking and has no intention of quitting. I had started no contact and blocked her number on my phone. At first, I got nothing, then messages thru my babysitter, then a text via babysitter. I decided to unblock my phone on Thurs. I wish I could say why. I didn't contact her, or tell anyone. I just wanted her to be able to contact me if she wanted to. That night she called, it didn't answer. She left a nice message. Friday morning, we exchanged texts, all civil/nice. She left me a very long message about how she missed me, our family, and didn't want to hurt me. Friday she asked to see the kids (she was planning to see them Sat/Sun), I said yes and she asked if she could stay until they went to bed so we could talk. I agreed. She stayed the night and we had sex (TMI). We had talked about her moving in right now wasn't a good idea, maybe something we could work toward. I told her not to buy bunkbeds for her aptment because the kids weren't spending the night at her place. She said she couldn't afford to pay the agreed upon support ($160/week) which doesn't even cover half the daycare. Sat. she gets done with the dentist and she calls to tell me she has signed up for dentures at $380/month and she bought a bunkbed with mattresses. I confronted her on she wasn't able to support the kids but was buying things? and she replied that she used her credit card. I was angry but when i got home she asked if I wanted her to stay and I said yes, partly because I thought she had planned on going to her aptment and getting together with her buddies to drink. There was no real resolution. Last night, she was angry at me before bed because she didn't feel like I was attending to my son's cries to be nursed fast enough. This morning she was nice. Then text me asking if her drinking buddy Dave could come over for pancakes, I said no. I don't want him around my kids, she knows that. So she is pissed again.
Anyway, I am having a hard hard time with this. My first thought is natural consequences and not enabling her. I believe no contact would've been best, with me and the kids. That didn't happen and truly I don't think it is something I can do. Limited contact with me and the kids: if I allow contact at my home with the kids, I feel okay with that. BUT I feel she should be financially supporting them at that point. I am in a position to tell her if she doesn't want to honor our agreement then she can't afford the kids, thus she can see them if/when I choose. The other big issue looming is my son's birth certificate. I have spoken to a lawyer (not retained so I can't field these questions to him) and been assured that even though her name is on his birth certificate she has no legal right to him (we were never married and there is no DNA link). There is a part of me that ethically feels that I should still pay the $1500, go to court and remove her name for my son's sake longterm. That said, there are alot of people who have dead beat dad's listed on their birth certificate, so is it really necessary? I know if I went to that extent she would hate me, because that was a huge deal for her.
As far as the support, she gave me $60 for the past 2 weeks, which is nothing. The daycare alone is close to $500. I asked her last night if she intented to honor that agreement and she said she can't right now. She "has nothing" meaning an empty aptment. So, if I let this go, am I just enabling her? Or an I releasing myself from any obligation to consider her demands/feelings as far as the kids? I am so confused. I will say, having her there part-time with the kids is a huge help and they love her. Last night, my 3yo was crying in bed because she thought "Nene" was leaving again. Up till this point they had been fine, probably because they were in denial about it.(?)
Anyway, I am having a hard hard time with this. My first thought is natural consequences and not enabling her. I believe no contact would've been best, with me and the kids. That didn't happen and truly I don't think it is something I can do. Limited contact with me and the kids: if I allow contact at my home with the kids, I feel okay with that. BUT I feel she should be financially supporting them at that point. I am in a position to tell her if she doesn't want to honor our agreement then she can't afford the kids, thus she can see them if/when I choose. The other big issue looming is my son's birth certificate. I have spoken to a lawyer (not retained so I can't field these questions to him) and been assured that even though her name is on his birth certificate she has no legal right to him (we were never married and there is no DNA link). There is a part of me that ethically feels that I should still pay the $1500, go to court and remove her name for my son's sake longterm. That said, there are alot of people who have dead beat dad's listed on their birth certificate, so is it really necessary? I know if I went to that extent she would hate me, because that was a huge deal for her.
As far as the support, she gave me $60 for the past 2 weeks, which is nothing. The daycare alone is close to $500. I asked her last night if she intented to honor that agreement and she said she can't right now. She "has nothing" meaning an empty aptment. So, if I let this go, am I just enabling her? Or an I releasing myself from any obligation to consider her demands/feelings as far as the kids? I am so confused. I will say, having her there part-time with the kids is a huge help and they love her. Last night, my 3yo was crying in bed because she thought "Nene" was leaving again. Up till this point they had been fine, probably because they were in denial about it.(?)
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. I am in a position to tell her if she doesn't want to honor our agreement then she can't afford the kids, thus she can see them if/when I choose.
These are children, not pawns in a game. The above statement is very manipulative, especially paired with the last sentence about your 3 year old crying.
Please think of your children first. No, they don't deserve an alcoholic parent, but drama is poison to them too. The on again-off again, she is your parent, then no she isn't is not a way to raise healthy children.
These are children, not pawns in a game. The above statement is very manipulative, especially paired with the last sentence about your 3 year old crying.
Please think of your children first. No, they don't deserve an alcoholic parent, but drama is poison to them too. The on again-off again, she is your parent, then no she isn't is not a way to raise healthy children.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
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You've got so much stuff all going on at once! Breathe.
Firstly, making some sort of plan and sticking to it may work better for you. At first I was letting STBXAH call anytime he wanted. That led to crying children before school, fits of rage from the kids after their afternoon chit chats with him, and him throwing tantrums if I didn't answer the phone when he called. I then told him that it was too much. He could call twice a week a specified times. It has been so much better. The kids are much calmer. Maybe some sort of set out calling/visitation would work better for you too.
I had to limit my contact to just about none. He may call the children, but unless we have actual business (money/company issues) I do not talk to him. And when I do, I set a timer for how long I think I will need to discuss it with him. He ALWAYS tries to keep me on the phone longer and tries to change the subject. But if I stick to the topic at hand and then get off the phone I find I don't get sucked down the vortex again.
I think what the kids are reacting to is maybe you. I found that although my kids' dad was an A and never around, they didn't actually notice it until I kicked him out. He was only usually around a few days a month maximum, but him leaving threw their little lives into a total upheaval. I found that my kids were reacting mainly to me crying and being so upset rather than him actually leaving.
As for the birth certificate.....Ask yourself what your real motive is. To save your child grief later? To punish her? I think if you get down to why you want it done, that maybe it will make the decision easier.
Firstly, making some sort of plan and sticking to it may work better for you. At first I was letting STBXAH call anytime he wanted. That led to crying children before school, fits of rage from the kids after their afternoon chit chats with him, and him throwing tantrums if I didn't answer the phone when he called. I then told him that it was too much. He could call twice a week a specified times. It has been so much better. The kids are much calmer. Maybe some sort of set out calling/visitation would work better for you too.
I had to limit my contact to just about none. He may call the children, but unless we have actual business (money/company issues) I do not talk to him. And when I do, I set a timer for how long I think I will need to discuss it with him. He ALWAYS tries to keep me on the phone longer and tries to change the subject. But if I stick to the topic at hand and then get off the phone I find I don't get sucked down the vortex again.
I think what the kids are reacting to is maybe you. I found that although my kids' dad was an A and never around, they didn't actually notice it until I kicked him out. He was only usually around a few days a month maximum, but him leaving threw their little lives into a total upheaval. I found that my kids were reacting mainly to me crying and being so upset rather than him actually leaving.
As for the birth certificate.....Ask yourself what your real motive is. To save your child grief later? To punish her? I think if you get down to why you want it done, that maybe it will make the decision easier.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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Cc and confetti, thanks for answering. Xx I am not trying to use my kids as pawns. I intented us to be a family and had agreed to visitation, child support, before my son arrived in June. Then my A started drinking more, not being around, but we Stuck to the agreement. She did not have a place to take the kids so she saw them at my house, which worked for me. The breakup revolved around her moving in and she now has an aptment. So the child support disappears, yet she wants the same benefits. I have made it clear I don't want the kids at her aptment. I don't feel comfortable with her drinking Buddhbuddy. Labor day I told her I didn't want him around when she took my girls to camp. She had him spend the night. He has my girls calling him uncle Dave and asks for hugs all the time.
Confetti, I guess I will have to really think about that. Right now it feels like why should he go thru life with her last name as his middle name and her on his birth certificste?
Confetti, I guess I will have to really think about that. Right now it feels like why should he go thru life with her last name as his middle name and her on his birth certificste?
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