Don't you ever just get angry!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Not just yes... But hell yes!! Anger is one off the biggest symptoms of living with alcoholism. I have it coming out of my pores lately. That sucks.
It's hard being the stbxw of an alcoholic. As tuffgirl pointed out, the alcoholics family will most likely rally around them... Not you. No matter how obvious the "problem" is... Blood is thicker than water and the denial is SOOO strong unless all members are in a recovery program. My XAHs family treats me like total dirt. I tried so hard in the beginning to communicate with them (under the guise of keeping them in the kids lives).... But they were just nasty to me. I no longer feel the need to win them over and get them on my "side." I work on having my own support network because those folks care about ME.
It's hard being the stbxw of an alcoholic. As tuffgirl pointed out, the alcoholics family will most likely rally around them... Not you. No matter how obvious the "problem" is... Blood is thicker than water and the denial is SOOO strong unless all members are in a recovery program. My XAHs family treats me like total dirt. I tried so hard in the beginning to communicate with them (under the guise of keeping them in the kids lives).... But they were just nasty to me. I no longer feel the need to win them over and get them on my "side." I work on having my own support network because those folks care about ME.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 378
Well, everyone's experiences are different. My husband's family is 1000% wonderful and supportive of his recovery. They're in no denial and have been just as worried and concerned as I have.
Each family is different - do you know how his is?
Each family is different - do you know how his is?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
I was beyond angry! ....now i just get pissy...ha!
I was married for 17 years
His family.......has not spoken to me since the day, he left ME - drunk
He lived with one of his family members for a year - THEY UNDERSTOOD
but once he moved out of their house...they havent talked to me either
I remember, I always wanted to tell them my side of the story
I even had drunken video's that I wanted them to watch
They never believed me - and 2 years later - probably still dont
BUT: I always remember to use what I have learned in ALANON
1. - If they did listen to me....What would it change?
2. - If they asked me questions or made mean remarks.....Would it be the ones that I wanted to hear or would I walk away more wounded????
I was so mad - I just want to vent, scream, yell....at anyone, really!
I went 3 week's with no money and no food - Did his family care or help? - NO
It's times like this, you need to ask yourself some real gut wrenching questions about yourself....Why, What, How and Is it really good for you????
I learned to take some of it outside. I would load truck loads of wood and metal into the back of the truck, until I exhausted myself. Beat on a tree with a bat, until I exhausted myself....Sound's funny now, but it helped! - My neighbor's must of thought I was crazy, lol.....I was
Most all of us have covered up our alcoholics. We have cheated ourselves and our kids out of so much happiness. --"I" did that...not him.---He just hid his drinking. I hid all of the BS...
No one believed my story either when it fell apart. Even our close friends would say, "Wow, he got mean, I cant believe that"...
Even now, 2 years later. I hear it. - It's sad but true, most people dont understand alcoholism........until they have walked in the muck themselves....You can talk till your blue, but they are NOT going to get it....
If I talked to you for one hour, about how the motor of the space shuttle was put together piece by piece....
Would you understand and Would you really care?
That's what most people think and feel....
That's why it's SO important for you to stay in Alanon and this site
Because We ALL get it!!!
MUAH!!!!!
I was married for 17 years
His family.......has not spoken to me since the day, he left ME - drunk
He lived with one of his family members for a year - THEY UNDERSTOOD
but once he moved out of their house...they havent talked to me either
I remember, I always wanted to tell them my side of the story
I even had drunken video's that I wanted them to watch
They never believed me - and 2 years later - probably still dont
BUT: I always remember to use what I have learned in ALANON
1. - If they did listen to me....What would it change?
2. - If they asked me questions or made mean remarks.....Would it be the ones that I wanted to hear or would I walk away more wounded????
I was so mad - I just want to vent, scream, yell....at anyone, really!
I went 3 week's with no money and no food - Did his family care or help? - NO
It's times like this, you need to ask yourself some real gut wrenching questions about yourself....Why, What, How and Is it really good for you????
I learned to take some of it outside. I would load truck loads of wood and metal into the back of the truck, until I exhausted myself. Beat on a tree with a bat, until I exhausted myself....Sound's funny now, but it helped! - My neighbor's must of thought I was crazy, lol.....I was
Most all of us have covered up our alcoholics. We have cheated ourselves and our kids out of so much happiness. --"I" did that...not him.---He just hid his drinking. I hid all of the BS...
No one believed my story either when it fell apart. Even our close friends would say, "Wow, he got mean, I cant believe that"...
Even now, 2 years later. I hear it. - It's sad but true, most people dont understand alcoholism........until they have walked in the muck themselves....You can talk till your blue, but they are NOT going to get it....
If I talked to you for one hour, about how the motor of the space shuttle was put together piece by piece....
Would you understand and Would you really care?
That's what most people think and feel....
That's why it's SO important for you to stay in Alanon and this site
Because We ALL get it!!!
MUAH!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
I actually posted a similar question about 6 weeks ago - asking if I should tell people about Wife's escapades.. The overwhelming answer was that I should not, that I should 'keep my side of the street in order' and go about working on myself and getting healthy. (Still trying to figure out where to start on that).
But, if those people are that blind and clueless, or in denial, all you will doing is wasting your breath and energy. Realize that you are now better off without him, your kids are better off without him, and your kids are probably better off without being around a bunch of alkie-enablers.
yes, it may be lonely and all, but it's better than dealing with that kind of behavior.
Good Luck to you. I know exacty where youre coming from.
P.S. Now, if it comes to the point where Wife and I divorce, and people ask why, I won't lie, but I won't trash her name either.
JMHO
C-Oh Dad
But, if those people are that blind and clueless, or in denial, all you will doing is wasting your breath and energy. Realize that you are now better off without him, your kids are better off without him, and your kids are probably better off without being around a bunch of alkie-enablers.
yes, it may be lonely and all, but it's better than dealing with that kind of behavior.
Good Luck to you. I know exacty where youre coming from.
P.S. Now, if it comes to the point where Wife and I divorce, and people ask why, I won't lie, but I won't trash her name either.
JMHO
C-Oh Dad
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Yes, I absolutely get angry.
But this is about right:
The people I get angry TO or AT are the ones that have no investment in changing the status quo. I get mad because they are roadblocks to the life I want. That's my AH, his family, my family, bureaucratic institutions, insurance companies, the guy in front of me on the road that is DRIVING TOO SLOW. I get angry and panicky when I realize that I don't have control over everything -- that's codependency.
I've had a series of small shifts in my attitude about these dramatic behaviors. I did have the slip up last week when I went off on my relapsing husband via text when I realized he was tooling around the house, directly violating my boundaries, while I was stuck at work. At the time, though, I reined it in when I realized that I totally have some options here. I took the rest of the day off, paid for a locksmith to come and change the locks, and wa-laa.
Like with that incident, thanks to SR and a ton of therapy, I've been able to take a step back from my overwhelming feelings and be more objective about people's behavior towards me. Sometimes it felt like every interaction with others was a referendum on who I am, how successful I was or not, whether or not I was a loser or a mess or a victim. So like my in-laws, who for whatever reason think that AH is totally fine, and each of his benders are just "slips" and they don't need to maintain boundaries, they can totally give him all the money in the world, and their love will change him -- and that's their business. I've suggested a lot over the last two years that they buckle down and get educated on the reality of what their very smart, very crafty, very kind, and yet very manipulative son is dealing with. They have opted not to. It's wasted breath.
So, I guess I don't get as angry as often. My anger is rarely productive. It's usually just a reaction to things I can't control. A vent. Venting has its place, but it can't supercede all the other emotions I have, and the actions I need to take.
But this is about right:
I did this once. ONCE! It was the most asinine conversation I have ever had about alcoholism. I never did that again....Its normal for families to rally around each other, healthy or not.... And its normal for families to work hard maintaining the status quo that has been in place for a long, long time.
What I did do instead was develop a network of folks I can rely on, and never again asked for anything from my in-laws. It's just easier that way.
What I did do instead was develop a network of folks I can rely on, and never again asked for anything from my in-laws. It's just easier that way.
I've had a series of small shifts in my attitude about these dramatic behaviors. I did have the slip up last week when I went off on my relapsing husband via text when I realized he was tooling around the house, directly violating my boundaries, while I was stuck at work. At the time, though, I reined it in when I realized that I totally have some options here. I took the rest of the day off, paid for a locksmith to come and change the locks, and wa-laa.
Like with that incident, thanks to SR and a ton of therapy, I've been able to take a step back from my overwhelming feelings and be more objective about people's behavior towards me. Sometimes it felt like every interaction with others was a referendum on who I am, how successful I was or not, whether or not I was a loser or a mess or a victim. So like my in-laws, who for whatever reason think that AH is totally fine, and each of his benders are just "slips" and they don't need to maintain boundaries, they can totally give him all the money in the world, and their love will change him -- and that's their business. I've suggested a lot over the last two years that they buckle down and get educated on the reality of what their very smart, very crafty, very kind, and yet very manipulative son is dealing with. They have opted not to. It's wasted breath.
So, I guess I don't get as angry as often. My anger is rarely productive. It's usually just a reaction to things I can't control. A vent. Venting has its place, but it can't supercede all the other emotions I have, and the actions I need to take.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Best to not take the way the family acts personally. It's NOTHING to do with you. Best to treat them as strangers. Best not to expect anything from them. It's been best for me to completely disassociate from AXB's family because they do not know anything about Recovery, Al-Anon, addiction, alcoholism or any of it.
And stop thinking about what they must be thinking or what he must be saying. Because (1) You know he lies. (2) You can't control his mouth. (3) Continuing to think about it is actually just you falling into another alcoholic trap that only keeps YOU sick, while it doesn't affect him or them at all. and (4) Thinking you know what he is saying and what they are thinking is Magical Thinking. Your brain is not a magic crystal ball. You do not KNOW what he is saying or what they are thinking. So stop imagining that you do. It will literally make you sick to continue to think this way and wonder. What other people think about you is none of your business.
And remember: His alcoholism affects them just as much as it affects you. No, they are not going to be rational people. No, they are not going to support you. And yes, they can turn on you very quickly. I personally used to be the best thing since sliced bread to AXBF and his family. Seriously. They sang my praises constantly. You wouldn't believe how AXBF's parent turned on me after the breakup. This is a man I considered my OWN dad all these years! Did I cry? Hell no! I recognize this man has a lot of problems of his own. AND whereas all this time I have been supporting AXBF and providing all the advice and resources to help AXBF handle the mess he calls his life, now that I am not doing those things, guess who has to? AXBF's dad! It's a full-time job and makes one full of worry when your child or brother or sister is spiraling out of control.
Don't take it personally. Get your own support system. Know that if you contact them and start revealing the horrors of what your STBXAH has done or is doing, you may shock them and Lord only knows what kind of response you are going to get. You KNOW what has been going on because you have lived with him all these years. They DO NOT KNOW the truth of what has been going on. Do you really want to be the Revealer of the Horrible, Sick Truth?
And stop thinking about what they must be thinking or what he must be saying. Because (1) You know he lies. (2) You can't control his mouth. (3) Continuing to think about it is actually just you falling into another alcoholic trap that only keeps YOU sick, while it doesn't affect him or them at all. and (4) Thinking you know what he is saying and what they are thinking is Magical Thinking. Your brain is not a magic crystal ball. You do not KNOW what he is saying or what they are thinking. So stop imagining that you do. It will literally make you sick to continue to think this way and wonder. What other people think about you is none of your business.
And remember: His alcoholism affects them just as much as it affects you. No, they are not going to be rational people. No, they are not going to support you. And yes, they can turn on you very quickly. I personally used to be the best thing since sliced bread to AXBF and his family. Seriously. They sang my praises constantly. You wouldn't believe how AXBF's parent turned on me after the breakup. This is a man I considered my OWN dad all these years! Did I cry? Hell no! I recognize this man has a lot of problems of his own. AND whereas all this time I have been supporting AXBF and providing all the advice and resources to help AXBF handle the mess he calls his life, now that I am not doing those things, guess who has to? AXBF's dad! It's a full-time job and makes one full of worry when your child or brother or sister is spiraling out of control.
Don't take it personally. Get your own support system. Know that if you contact them and start revealing the horrors of what your STBXAH has done or is doing, you may shock them and Lord only knows what kind of response you are going to get. You KNOW what has been going on because you have lived with him all these years. They DO NOT KNOW the truth of what has been going on. Do you really want to be the Revealer of the Horrible, Sick Truth?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
Angry, you bet!
I'm more intrigued with the concern about telling others about his illness, his lies, especially those about me.
I have been sooooo tempted to refute what I have heard he has said about me and to tell others about the destruction he has caused in our lives. I don't know if it would make me feel better in the end. But it is a struggle. I have one friend that I have spoken to about it and some members of my family. Sometimes I just don't want the ugliness of his alcoholic mess to be part of my relationships apart from him. However, I do not keep his secrets anymore. He sent an email to neighbors telling them I was crazy. They, knowing me, came by to see how I was and to let me know they had received this email. I didn't go on and on but I said simply, he is an alcoholic and he's struggling and I couldn't go down his path anymore. Just telling someone else he is an alcoholic was huge for me!
Anyway, I am trying to have a point here, sorry for the rambling. Maybe first releasing yourself from the secret-keeping will be enough. Yelling from the rooftops what a A$$ he is may only hurt in the end because you'll likely not get the response you expect from those who haven't been through what you've been through.
But I get it, boy do I get it.
Hang in there. The most important people in your life, your boys, know the the truth. They feel it too.
Hugs,
MamaKit
I'm more intrigued with the concern about telling others about his illness, his lies, especially those about me.
I have been sooooo tempted to refute what I have heard he has said about me and to tell others about the destruction he has caused in our lives. I don't know if it would make me feel better in the end. But it is a struggle. I have one friend that I have spoken to about it and some members of my family. Sometimes I just don't want the ugliness of his alcoholic mess to be part of my relationships apart from him. However, I do not keep his secrets anymore. He sent an email to neighbors telling them I was crazy. They, knowing me, came by to see how I was and to let me know they had received this email. I didn't go on and on but I said simply, he is an alcoholic and he's struggling and I couldn't go down his path anymore. Just telling someone else he is an alcoholic was huge for me!
Anyway, I am trying to have a point here, sorry for the rambling. Maybe first releasing yourself from the secret-keeping will be enough. Yelling from the rooftops what a A$$ he is may only hurt in the end because you'll likely not get the response you expect from those who haven't been through what you've been through.
But I get it, boy do I get it.
Hang in there. The most important people in your life, your boys, know the the truth. They feel it too.
Hugs,
MamaKit
My emotional baggage
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 285
Thanks everyone for your responses. I do feel better today. It is so weird all the anger is coming up now. I have been out of the house for a little over a year now. The divorce just started in June and boy it is ugly! In many ways I am angry at myself I was not ready to file right when I left because now it is like starting over at the beginning. I know deep down that I would not have been strong enough to fight back then though.
I guess the hardest part for me is that life really is not fair. I am hurt and it just turns to anger some days due to all the frustration of having to prove every little thing to the court system. I just want to protect my kids, it really should not be this hard........
I guess the hardest part for me is that life really is not fair. I am hurt and it just turns to anger some days due to all the frustration of having to prove every little thing to the court system. I just want to protect my kids, it really should not be this hard........
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
The anger is good. It means you are turning the hurt outward. When you turn it inward, like I have been doing for months now, it turns to depression. Let the anger come; just don't do anything to get yourself in trouble.
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