pattyG

I am new here and my AXGF broke up with me 5 days ago. The issue was that she wanted to move in and didn't feel like I was persuing it fast or hard enough. We have been together 4 years and have 4 children, all of which I gave birth to and they are legally mine. I just had my son in June and had her name put on the birth certificate as well as his middle name is her last name. She had threatened to leave me and my kids if I didn't. Our relationship has been very rocky the whole time. She was actively drinking when I met her, when I told her I didn't want to be involved with an A, she told me she was in treatment at the VA. Ultimately, there was no treatment and by the time I saw what really was....I was hooked. I have tried for 4 years to make this a family, she basically has lived her without having her stuff here. Our agreement had been that if we split up, she could co-parent the kids as long as she paid child support ($160/wk) and had set days to see them. I drew up an agreement before my son was born spelling everything out but she never signed it. Thus, there is nothing in writing. Anyway, I have been reading and reading here, trying to find some balance and peace. I could've been in this limbo forever, with her coming and going, drinking whenever she wanted, etc. Yesterday I found out she unfriended and blocked me on facebook. Her original statement was she was done with me and the kids. Sunday, she showed up at church unannounced. She looked and smelled terrible, but wasn't drunk. Of course, I thought it was because she missed me and realized what a big mistake she was making. Nope. She literally saw the kids for 5 mins. then left. I asked her if she was coming over to see them (as per the schedule) nope, it wasn't her house. I asked her if she had the support, nope...she had to buy things for her aptment. I am now convinced that she just wanted to upset my day. Tonight, as I am dealing with 4 sick kids (4,2,2, and 3 months), my 89yo mom who lives with me and being sick myself...I hit my breaking point. I sent a text telling her I hated her for this and wish I had never met her. She responded with this was all my fault. I then hastily decided to block her phone number, and let her know I was doing it. I am undecided how I feel about it. I can only describe it as I am addicted to her yet hate my addiction. Even though she wasn't contacting me, blocking her made me feel in control. I am also feeling like following thru with the agreement with the kids is a bad idea. She controlled her drinking for awhile. She got back with her old drinking buddy 4 months ago and their has been a huge change in her personality. I have caught her in numerous lies and she is drinking almost nightly. I read a link about alcoholics and relationships, and I truly believe she is mentally ill at this point. Anyway, I am feeling like I need to move thru this but don't know how.

SparkleKitty

I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I wish I had a simple answer to helpl you through such turmoil. I am sure it is all you can do to look after your children, you mother and yourself.

Her actions speak very clearly to me about what she has to offer you and your children. It can be so hard to believe that the person who was once so wonderful is the same person you are dealing with now. Unfortunately, you don't have much choice but to deal with the person who is here now. But you don't have to figure everything out right this second. You just have to figure out the next right thing (I don't know who always says this on this forum but it is genius). Do you think the next right thing should be for her, or for your kids?

I wish you strength and sleep. Keep posting, keep reading, there are a lot of people on your side.

Learn2Live

Well, the blocking of her calls was a smart thing to do. Here at SR that is part of what we call No Contact (NC). NC is good because it gives us a break from the insanity that is part of being with an alcoholic. We don't do it to control the A, or teach them a lesson, or to try to manipulate them. We do it to get control of our lives and to be better able to focus on us and our responsibilities, by not allowing them to disrupt and upset us. I recommend keeping her blocked.

Also, I agree, I don't think it's a good idea to start signing agreements about your children with this person. Many people come here lamenting about having to let an A take their children because of divorce and separation agreements, and how difficult and painful this is. I do not envy them one bit and am grateful I do not have children with an A!

to SR. You will find much information and support here.

pattyG

Thank you! I have some guilt about "taking the kids" from her...yet I am looking out for their well being and it was her choice. She said she was done with all of us, and had no intention of spending time with them Sun. Just disrupting their day. I am seriously considering going to court to have her name removed from his birth certificate and his name changed. It would cost me about $1500 but at least all ties would be over at that point. I look at her and her friends/family and are so disgusted. She hangs out with other addicts. I am perplexed at what the attraction is for me at all.

lillamy

YES. I don't know what state you are in, but chances are she can't lay claim to the kids at all. I would NOT pursue the agreement. I would NOT pursue the money. You're the healthy one (even if you don't feel like it); YOU can provide the stability they need. She can't unless she gets and stays in sobriety and recovery.

Read the post about what kids of alcoholics learn. And then give yourself a big hug and a big pat on the back for choosing what's right for the kids. Even if it hurts you right now.

mmk11

I'm sorry for your pain and I hope you stay strong to protect yourself and children. NC is a very good thing for YOU to restore your peace and not have the unpredictability of an A make your head swim with confusion and manipulation. Going NC can be difficult and is something to do when you're ready.

For me, going through my divorce with AH I eventually decided that I wouldn't talk to him on the phone. His BS on the phone got to be too much. He wouldn't answer direct questions and would get so angry. And did I mention all the BS that came out of his mouth? Some communication is inevitable as we go though the divorce proceeding but I've been adamant about absolutely no phone contact. Doesn't stop my AH from calling and leaving VMs. In 7 weeks I've ignored no less than 15 phone calls and several voicemails, and have not returned one call.