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He apologized, so why do I feel so angry?

Old 09-21-2012, 05:07 PM
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He apologized, so why do I feel so angry?

Without going in to too much detail, my AH apologized for his rapist comments from 6 weeks ago. He had relapsed over the weekend and I caught him red-handed trying to hide the empties and I pretty much have been pleasant but distant this week. I am trying not to make any decisions in anger so I'm just getting to as many meetings as I can and trying to decide how I want to proceed. I figure I already let my boundary get crossed, I can just change my boundary or extend it in my own mind.

Anyway, enough about that. While he was apologizing I was getting angrier and angrier. I felt torn between wanting to believe the sincerity of it and then wondering what was really behind it all. Then, I got frustrated because I thought: That's it? That's the only thing you want to apologize for? So, I delicately brought up the 'you got caught with the alcohol' thing and he blew me off and said, "Well, that's something we can work on with the therapist when we meet with them. I just wanted to apologize for my comments. I know I hurt you deeply and that wasn't my intention." Then I pointed out that he stuck by these comments for the 3 times that I challenged him about them and that each time he added more crap on to them to make me feel worse. I know, I know....Probably the wrong way to handle it but I was getting more and more angry, LOL. I did eventually just say that I accept the apology and that I was thankful for it and I walked out of the room. Soon after, I dropped the anger. I realized that I still don't trust him, and that that's OK. It's all OK and that's been something I'm really working on coming to terms with.

He had mentioned that he was lonely and he slept in our bed last night for the first time in months so I'm wondering what his motivation is? Is he really making amends or is he trying to get me to forget about the relapse?

I went to 3 meetings this week, met with my sponsor, and met with my therapist this week and I realized that I am in control of ME. He is on his own path so I finally dropped the anger and tried taking responsibility for ME this time. It's amazing how crazy our own thinking gets and how we have to learn to trust ourselves through this journey. I am very grateful for the lessons I'm learning today, I know it's shaping me for my future whatever that may hold!
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Old 09-21-2012, 05:11 PM
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He had mentioned that he was lonely and he slept in our bed last night for the first time in months so I'm wondering what his motivation is? Is he really making amends or is he trying to get me to forget about the relapse?
He wants you to have sex with him. That is his motivation. That's the whole reason he apologized for the rape comment. Just more manipulation.
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Old 09-21-2012, 05:28 PM
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^^^^^^
This post is all you need to know...
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Old 09-21-2012, 05:53 PM
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I agree with ^^^^^^^. Yes he wants sex. He probably wants it so that you keep your mouth shut. Afterall, how can you argue with him about the "past" if you just had sex?

Anyway that was the "reasoning" that I got !!!!!
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Old 09-21-2012, 06:47 PM
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So what did he say he was sorry for?
Sorry, that he drank again and liked it. Sorry for his comment's
but may do them again. Sorry, please forgive me because Im lonely
and would like to crawl in bed with you, because I like it?

Yeah, I chased after that lonely bone for many year's myself.
And believed his ...I'm sorry

Now, I look at them as: I'm a sorry, sorry, sorry [email protected] loser!

I would believe if you ask any alcoholic that is recovered.
They will also say....NO! Active ALCOHOLIC - even know's what an amend's is...
They dont even know what they are sorry for! - It's like saying "Excuse Me" when
sneeze....HABIT
They dont even understand the damage they are doing!!
They are "Intoxicated" even if he hasnt been drinking today!
It's not all alcohol, their brain's, their mental/behavior are also sick

So, Amend's - NOPE! - I DO NOT BUY IT~ Broken record!!!!

Anger was a huge one for me and someday's still is......
And yes, it's okay - TAKE YOUR PULSE....If you have one.....You're Human!
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Old 09-21-2012, 06:50 PM
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Angry - Because, it's not the word's we want to hear. It's not what the person we married would of said. It hurt's and it's confussing. We wanna trust, love and have passion with this person, but we know we can't. They have torn our heart's and have walked on our soul's. They have beaten us up on the inside. They have covered us with their guilt and shame. They have taken away our trust. We wanna love, but we can't. We feel that we are stuck, but cant' move. Thing's in life seem so crazy.
Is this really happening to me?

YEP..........ANGER
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Old 09-21-2012, 06:55 PM
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I started getting angry at the words at one point in time.

You used the word sincerity in your post. That got really confusing for me. My hubby I think did mean what he said often....but his behavior could not match up to his words.

My hubby stated once (re: alcohol and affair). "I don't know when my word became so untrustworthy." He was incredibly sincere at that moment, and I just looked at him dumbfounded (I think it was a revelation for him). I have had so many emotions about it over the course of healing. It became a revelation for me. His behavior had consistently been insincere for years. His words where what he thought I wanted to hear.

That sincerity piece was really hard for me. I hope you can be easy on yourself about it.
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Old 09-21-2012, 06:57 PM
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For me, I could not love myself until I stopped allowing the hurts and the chaos continue. My life was upsidedown, i got an apology, he was drunk, and 10 minutes after I got the apology, he called me an effing b and a c

Told me he couldn't tell me the reason he was apologizing unless I could accept it. Huh????

Apology with conditions. He was probably dating someone else, it didn't work out, so he had to confess to clear his guilty mind. Have another shot, in the meantime I'll just sit here and hate myself.

Blech!!!!
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Old 09-21-2012, 08:01 PM
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I think he's testing your boundaries...and finding them to be rather porous.
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Old 09-21-2012, 08:24 PM
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Originally Posted by BobbyJ View Post
So what did he say he was sorry for?
Sorry, that he drank again and liked it. Sorry for his comment's
but may do them again. Sorry, please forgive me because Im lonely
and would like to crawl in bed with you, because I like it?

Yeah, I chased after that lonely bone for many year's myself.
And believed his ...I'm sorry

Now, I look at them as: I'm a sorry, sorry, sorry [email protected] loser!

I would believe if you ask any alcoholic that is recovered.
They will also say....NO! Active ALCOHOLIC - even know's what an amend's is...
They dont even know what they are sorry for! - It's like saying "Excuse Me" when
sneeze....HABIT
They dont even understand the damage they are doing!!
They are "Intoxicated" even if he hasnt been drinking today!
It's not all alcohol, their brain's, their mental/behavior are also sick

So, Amend's - NOPE! - I DO NOT BUY IT~ Broken record!!!!

Anger was a huge one for me and someday's still is......
And yes, it's okay - TAKE YOUR PULSE....If you have one.....You're Human!
He said he was sorry for when he told me that every time we've had sex in the past 17 years that he thinks I'm going to report him as a rapist the next morning. He got on his high horse and defended this stance at least 3 other times, twice at the marriage therapist to which he added: All white men in America live in fear that they're going to get reported for rape.

There was no apologizing about the drinking. He wants to 'save' that conversation for the marriage therapist. He told me that he wants to be more husbandly. Apparently, he's moving past his resentment towards me and now wants to have sex with me without throwing me under the bus and blaming me for all his problems.

I just turned it over to my Higher Power. I want my marriage back, but not at the cost of manipulation and lies. I have to be strong. We haven't been intimate since May when he told me that he didn't care about our son's emotions and he got on my case about how I 'almost' turned him in the night he got his DUI. I just shut down that part of me, and I'm afraid to trust him again like that. It's just not there and I can already tell he's trying to weasel his way back in.

It's like he keeps trying different tactics and when one doesn't work, he tries another. My HP keeps me motivated to keep working on me. Why oh why does my codependent mind keep focusing on him? OK, time to go read some Melodie Beattie!
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Old 09-21-2012, 08:25 PM
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He didn't relapse. A person has to be actively working a program, any program & have a desire to be sober in order for relapse to occur. I don't think your husband has ever had that desire to quit drinking. A person who get a DUI & continues to drink & not even admit has a problem has a very high risk of another DUI. His DUI & driving without a license like nothing happened seemed to be a wake up call for you NOT him.
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Old 09-21-2012, 11:00 PM
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He said he was sorry for when he told me that every time we've had sex in the past 17 years that he thinks I'm going to report him as a rapist the next morning. He got on his high horse and defended this stance at least 3 other times, twice at the marriage therapist to which he added: All white men in America live in fear that they're going to get reported for rape.

That's a sorry?? - WOW! I would say, that is pretty twisted thinking.

I didnt read or look. Has he been to AA or a rehab center?

One of the hardest thing's for me to do was to step back, let go
and let my XAH find his own bottom

Keep on working the program - You'll get it figured out
PS - I think Ive read that book 100 times too!
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Old 09-21-2012, 11:06 PM
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Went back and read your post again

KEYWORD: my AH

(I didnt see the word's, sober or recovered)

Also thought of this:
Google a couple of word's, read up on them
You might see something that strikes your fancy

1. Toxic Love
2. Bi Polar in alcoholism
3. Verbal Abuse
4. Sexual disorder
5. Brain cell's during active alcoholism
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Old 09-22-2012, 07:11 AM
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Originally Posted by BobbyJ View Post
He said he was sorry for when he told me that every time we've had sex in the past 17 years that he thinks I'm going to report him as a rapist the next morning. He got on his high horse and defended this stance at least 3 other times, twice at the marriage therapist to which he added: All white men in America live in fear that they're going to get reported for rape.

That's a sorry?? - WOW! I would say, that is pretty twisted thinking.

I didnt read or look. Has he been to AA or a rehab center?

One of the hardest thing's for me to do was to step back, let go
and let my XAH find his own bottom

Keep on working the program - You'll get it figured out
PS - I think Ive read that book 100 times too!
Well, to his defense his sorry was more than what I posted here. I couldn't remember it word for word. He told me that I was his wife, that I deserved better, and that his position was wrong and that he was looking at everything from a selfish position.

No, he will not go to AA nor rehab and has never before. He was dry for 15 years(he quit drinking before we got married when I was in my early 20s. I was naive enough to think that that was enough not truly understanding alcoholism and it's effects). He started drinking again 2 years ago and got a DUI back in February. He was told by his psychiatrist(whom he sees for depression and anxiety, and who prescribes him antidepressants for said illnesses) to go to AA but my AH claims it was just a suggestion and not to be taken seriously.

My AH is a binge drinker so he can weeks without drinking. He sees himself as having no problem with alcohol, I'm the one with the issues obviously.

Thank you, Bobby, for your input. I am stepping back and just letting things be. It's harder than it seems but I think it's worth the effort on my part to discover my own weaknesses and work towards wholeness for ME. I've spent too much effort on HIM for the past 20 years.

He's totally changing his approach with me this week. Greeting me with a kiss and even touching me while doing so is strange. He was completely withdrawn from me for the past 9 months, since the DUI. It's amazing what alcoholics will do when they know you are changing and growing and they don't like it, or are responding to it. He has made many statements over the past few months where he claims he feels threatened by Al Anon and my sponsor, and even by my therapist. It's all part of the disease.
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Old 09-22-2012, 07:24 AM
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Liz, do you really think that it is reasonable to think that several years of Narcissistic abuse, weilded by an active alcoholic can be "undone" by a simple "i'm sorry"?

Anger from these psychological assaults can not be erased so easily. As a matter of fact, it increases over time---along with other emotions, such as depression, anxiety, guilt, fear, confusion and a gradual deterioration of self esteem.

The alcoholic will make attempts to manipulate you back to the status quo when he/she senses a threat to it. They need the status quo that allows them to comfortably function---drink.

Perhaps you sense the manipulation---anger is a natural reaction when we feel that someone is manipulating us.

The most encouraging thing I have heard you say is that you went to 3 alanon meetings last week. It is my opinion that a total committment to that 12-step program is your l ifeline in this situation.

As anyone in AA or alanon will tell you--it isn't enough to just show up (although showing up is a good first step), you have to do the hard work. That goes for seeing a therapist,also. I've seen some people go to "therapy" for years with little or no progress.What's up with that???

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Old 09-22-2012, 07:39 AM
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If he's totally changing......To me, that would mean AA or REHAB

Those little behavior changes and kind words always sucked me in

Then a week or two later...I was right back on the hampster wheel

When I was living in it - I couldnt see it or smell it
Now......I spot that stuff a mile away

Im happy to hear your going to Alanon, of course he doesnt like...
Geez, someone might think he has a alcohol problem!!!

Wheter he is a binge drinker, morning drinker or weekend warrior
It's all Alcohol and at the end of the day.......It's all ALCOHOLISM
Same behaviors....

Have a super weekend......
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Old 09-22-2012, 09:37 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Liz, do you really think that it is reasonable to think that several years of Narcissistic abuse, weilded by an active alcoholic can be "undone" by a simple "i'm sorry"?
as i first learned in AL ANON

ACTIONS speak louder than words.....
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Old 09-22-2012, 10:49 AM
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Originally Posted by fourmaggie View Post
as i first learned in AL ANON

ACTIONS speak louder than words.....
He's changing them up too. He greets me with a kiss every AM. He's sleeping in our bed again. He's helping around the house more.

He thinks these are positive behaviors, and they are.....in a normal marriage. In our marriage I only see these things as manipulation to keep things the same, to keep me around, and to convince me that he is now worthy of my love. I guess only time will tell, and more will be revealed.
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Old 09-22-2012, 11:00 AM
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Answer: YOu're still angry because his apology isn't sincere and you see this now. Based solely on your post, it appears however that you want to believe him, but once you've opened the door of knowledge, there's no going back.

I remember when this happened to me as well. I shifted from being elated and sooo happy when AH would apologize, to angry. The magic was gone. He couldn't lure me back into denial, I knew that the cycle would continue and that I still wasn't being respected.

That's because I continued to hand my power back to him. My choice.

What have his actions shown you?
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Old 09-23-2012, 03:27 AM
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OK, let's say his recovery was completely sincere (maybe it was, maybe it wasn't - no one but him knows that) it doesn't matter. Because I don't think you're angry just because of it, that comment was maybe just a tip of an iceberg. You have much bigger problem than that: his alcoholism.

I don't think you husband is in recovery, he is maybe just not drinking as often as before and calling it recovery. You can not do sobriety occassionllly, slipping from it every now and than. I think that is your main problem: living with an A.
And that is hard and overwhelming: that's why instead of focusing on it, and than doing something about it, we tend to put oursevles in position where we can not see the forrest from the trees.
He said this, and than you said that, and than he did or did not applogize, and maybe it was sincere and maybe it wasn't - thinking about things that way is doing nothing but clouding your mind, and making you unable to see the whole picture.

Don't get me wrong, I undesrtand it perfectly, I did it myself for years, because I was not ready to deal with a real, biggest and quite simple problem in my life: my A is an A. And by deal with it I mean - figuring out my life is miserable, and I am angry because I can not live like that any longer. I don't want to live like that any longer. And than I would have to do something about it.

It is so much easier to slip back into denial, to find reasons to believe he is trying when he is not. taking off those rose colored glasses is really hard. I think harder than anything I ever had to do. But once I did there was no turning back. I had to keep going, it was getting harder and harder until it finally started getting better. There is no other way than that.
The way you're living now can go on for ever. can you do that? Do you want to do that?

If he is true to his recovery, he doesn't need your help, he doesn't need anything from you. He'll stick to it no matter what.

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh.

take care
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