Titanic

My experience is that your answers are in Al-Anon. Perhaps you've already gotten to several meetings. Al-Anon is about sharing experience (including those about change), strength and Hope.

It is about Serenity and Change. "God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference." In Al-Anon, one of the slogans we learn is Easy Does It. That applies to living changes more than anything.

From your posts, it sounds like you've done Step 1, admitting that you are powerless over alcohol and that life has become unmanageable. I don't know if you've taken Steps 2 and 3. Take a look at the F&F Step Study forum here on SR, and the Intros to each of those Steps. These first three Steps are about a positive surrender, turning it over, a letting go and letting God. A recognition that what we have been doing was ineffective. That our going round and round on a hamster wheel while expecting different results is not sane. That we need help in changing our attitudes and actions so we can become sane and serene.

Getting to that point is just the beginning of your changes. I think that you will find the answers to your very first three questions in Step 4. That's what that Step is all about. There is a workbook for Step 4 Al-Anoners called "Blueprint for Progress." That is exactly what you seem to be looking for. It will lay out all the areas as to which change may be needed. It will ask you questions. There, you can track your answers over time, i.e. the progress of your changes.

That is the key for the door you want to open. Make sure you've gone up Steps 1-3 (Going Up) at least once before you get to that door.

Steps 4-7 are about Change: taking an inventory; a real reckoning; becoming ready and humbly asking to have the shortcomings identified in Step 4removed. Owning Up.

Steps 8-9 are about Making Up to oneself and others. Lots of Change required there. Forgiveness is among the hardest of them, if not the hardest.

Steps 10-12 are about Keeping Up with necessary Changes. A daily inventory and prompt admission of wrongs done. Daily conscious contact with that Power greater than ourselves and learning new things we need to change for a better, saner and more serene life. Service and practice.

Peace, Serenity and Hope, I wish for you.

CentralOhioDad

EnglishGarden, thank you for your thoughtful and insightful response. (Both of them, I needed the first one too, though she isn't to many of the points you made.. at least not yet).

Being that I have a 30-minute commute into work in the morning, I have time to think, but mostly pray. And I prayed for two things this morning: 1) thanking Him that I found this website and have learned so much and felt cared for and loved.; and 2) I apologized for trying to do everything and control everything, and BE everything, and just hand over the reins and let Him steer. This part is hardest for me, and I was doing it fairly well for a time, but then it seemed too overwhelming, and I think my impatience took over and I wanted 'things' to move along at MY pace, not God's.

I need to learn more, I need to listen more, I need to let go more. I need to remember that my son is ONLY 2.5, and that I can't worry about tomorrow, that I just have to do my best for him TODAY, and we'll get thru tomorrow as it comes. Just like one of his meltdowns - it passes, we talk about it and learn from it, and we kiss and hug and move on to dancing around the living room again.

Again, thank you for all those thought-provoking sentiments, I really appreciate them. I will probably read and re-read this and many other responses that you and all these wonderful people (friends) have given me.

Titanic

One of my favorite Al-Anon devotionals is about and is titled "Courage To Change!"

BlueSkies1

COD,

Line 10 of the sticky how we can help an alcoholic:

10) Do focus upon your life and responsibilities.
Family members must identify areas of there lives that have been neglected due to their focus on, or even obsession with, the alcoholic or addict. Other family members, hobbies, job, and health, for example, often take a back seat to the needs of the alcoholic or addict and the inevitable crisis of addiction. Turning attention away from the addict and focusing on other personal areas of one’s life is empowering and helpful to all concerned .

This is why I posted the questions I did for you. As long as they are actively drinking, and we are not enabling, rescuing, or provoking, we are still left with what to do with ourselves.
The best way we can help the situation is to take care of ourselves. That's because we become sick too.
I became very ill indeed. I obsessed about my AXH to the point I neglected my needs completely. I drowned in anger, my health suffered, my relationships with others suffered (partly because I didn't want to talk about anything but my anger toward the A), my career suffered, and etc. Every part of my life suffered from neglect except obsessing about the A--that I didn't neglect at all, but was consumed by it.
If you do the work on you---you will become stronger, healthier, and happier.
That is nearly guaranteed--every book, forum, and knowledgable person will tell you this.
Whether your wife gets better or worse, you will be stronger and healtheir and happier.
It's a win-win for you. You can't lose when you are betting on healthier behaviors and moving forward, even if the alcoholic stays stands still in the same place.
Forward momentum.
This doesn't mean working yourself to death, worrying about those dirty windows, or critizing yourself for every imperfection. It does mean that you live a life you can be proud of, and you will have no regrets about yourself!

That is my new goal. Living a life that I can be proud of myself. I realize it is not too lofty of a goal, and not very far out of reach! Do-able and I can get there fairly quickly...I sense from what I read about you that this is also within your easy reach. It's do-able, it's not too high of a goal, it's not a goal that is hundreds of light years away, it's not an aspiration that is unsurmountable, it's simple really...and can be as simply achieved. Lots of repetition there, but I am trying to emphasize what is reasonable to ask of ourselves, and making a goal that we can surely meet without self-disappointment.

As for your line about not meeting your potential, well, we all have that in ourselves--I'm sure even Einstein thought he should have/could have/would have done more, only if...!

m1k3

Yeah, I remember that stage.

By being selfish I don't mean at the expense of your son or even other people. It's more like, I'm allowed to take care of my self, my wants and my needs.

It's not the greedy selfishness of "gimme, that's mine" but more of a balance where my needs count as well. For me this has been a hard thing to learn. It's OK to say no. It's OK to take some time out for myself.

It's OK for me to put my needs ahead of those of my AW.

I went completely in the other direction. I was only allowed to meet my needs once my wife's needs were met. I didn't count.

I still have lots more work to do in this area but I now have a sense of awareness that my needs count as well.

Think of it as a mindful, balanced, Al-Anon selfishness where I take care of myself as well as others.



Your friend,

FireSprite

I had/have a difficult time being selfish too. It's an ACoA trait that is like a wolf in sheep's clothing.... it sounds positive but it can be really detrimental a lot of the time too.

What helped me is to think of it like the old airline safety tip where they tell you to attach your OWN oxygen mask before assisting someone else.

So now when I have a selfish moment & feel guilty about it, I visualize myself putting my oxygen mask on & realize that because of it, I'll be stronger for myself AND others (like my DD).

EG nailed this exactly in both posts, IMO, I can't possibly add anything except Just Wow.

Hypatia

Folks have articulated everything so well that there is little I can add except for one little comment referring to something EnglishGarden suggested earlier:

Do consider just taking off her shoes or you could end up with mud in your bed like I did.

LifeRecovery

I just want to add a small comment about selfish discussion. I have struggled all of my life with feeling selfish when I want to care for myself.

I am doing better (I have a long way to go) when I ask myself are my desires selfish or selfcare. Usually those two are not the same, but I get them very, very confused.

Great thread.