Please allow me to introduce myself...

Old 09-11-2012, 03:41 PM
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Please allow me to introduce myself...

Hi All...

I've been lurking for a couple of months now, when needed. I am grateful that this site exists because up until now, I've have no experience dealing up close and personal with an alcoholic. I've known people who other people said were alcoholics, I've known people who drink or drugged too much on occasion, but I've never been in any kind of "relationship" with an A.

So...speaking of "relationships"... the A to whom I'm attached is technically only a friend. More honestly, we are friends with benefits (FWB). I suppose the acronym would be AFWB (perhaps it could be added to the acronyms stickie Kidding of course.

My Short Story...

About me:

I'm in my mid forties, single, never married, no kids, happy in my career and relatively successful in that regard. I have good friends and am close with my family. My last major relationship ended in 2005 and although I've dated since then, I've not found anyone I wish to continue with. When I met my AFWB about a year ago, I was living in an apartment that I had lived in for 10 yrs in a neighbourhood I loved. Rent was cheap, I was happy. I wasn't even close to lonely.

In April of this year I took the plunge and bought an awesome condo. The only downside is that since I couldn't afford to purchase a house in my beloved neighbourhood by myself, I'm now about a 45 min walk, or 5 minute drive from there. I know it doesn't sound like much, and I do love my new digs, but almost five months in, I do feel a little isolated in my new neighbourhood.

I met AFWB about a year ago. I met him through other neighbours and my initial take of him was that while he may be handsome, he was clearly drunk, so I dismissed him out of hand. He then went out of his way to introduce himself to me while sober (?) and we became buddies. We bonded over music...I (try to) play guitar and it turns out he has a remarkable ability to hear a tune and play it while I on the other hand need to go find the chords and go from there. We had a ton of fun for a while which included, well, you know...benefits. Even still, I kept him at an arms length always...I never had any illusions that what was going on was a bonafide relationship and never wanted anything more that "what was."

He confided in me that he was an alcoholic early on. I had no experience with A's. I really thought he was making it up and if he just focused on turning his life around he could do it, and/or maybe he just needed some counselling to get it together. He went to rehab for 3 weeks in October 2011. I was prepared to support his sobriety as a friend. He began drinking again shortly after rehab, and I noticed that it seemed to be 'worse' in the sense that he seemed to drink more and be more out of control when he did drink.

Still, I only saw him when it was convenient for me and since he lived across the street, I didn't see the entirety of his alcoholism. For a long time I really had no idea how bad it was.

And then I moved. I thought that what was would die a natural death as it was no longer convenient for him or me. I was now a drive or fairly long walk away. Not so. He was extraordinarily helpful with my move and assisted in all kinds of ways with all kinds of things that I needed to get done. At the same time, I noticed a marked increase in his drinking and drunken behaviour.

After the move, that's when something changed for me...Yikes! I started to care more about him and what I now recognize (thanks to you all) as codie behaviour started kicking in. I was and still am feeling a little out of sorts and missing my neighbourhood. I am feeling vulnerable and a little lonely for the first time in a long long time. I started to miss his company in a way I never did before. I started to accept behaviour that I wouldn't have before I moved. I started to get caught up in his drama. Short story...I got hooked on an addict.

Of course I've left out all the gory details here...and there are lots of them. The above is the short story and my current take on how I got to search out and start posting on a forum for friends and families of A's. I've done a fair bit of reading here, bought a couple of Melodie's books and spent some quality time with myself trying to figure out how I got here and how to get myself out. I think I've made progress. Nonetheless, y'all, more than most folks know how tough it is to care about an A. It friggin sucks!

I'll leave it at that for now...but thanks so much for being here...it's made a huge difference for me. You guys rock.

good roads,
Chick








AFWB was my neighbour until April of this year.
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Old 09-11-2012, 04:36 PM
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Hi Chick, thanks for the post.

It's my story, to a tee. That's how it started, then there was a two year break, he was sober, we hooked up again, it was great for a good year, then the tremors started.

it was agonizing, horrible, someone that I adored came undone.

I am still walking through the burning embers, try to pick my self up. Since January.

I encourage you to get support, make new friends, if you are close to your family, stay close, hunker down and read everything you can get your hands on about alcoholism, and everything you read , you can believe.

We are here, we care. Keep posting.
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Old 09-11-2012, 04:43 PM
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Welcome, Chick. Glad you found a place to learn about addictions. This place, along with Al-Anon, saved my sanity.

I got hooked much later in the relationship...by the time I really had a clue what was happening, I was living with him and engaged to be married in short order. I proceeded on, with massive red flags waiving in front of my face. And went full bore into the very codie behaviors you describe.

We are now divorced, and I work diligently each day to move on from the relationship. Most days I am doing great. But the occasional bad day does pop up, and it seems to coincide with moments where I, like you, feel vulnerable for some reason. Had a bad day at work, not feeling well, kids/family/job overwhelming me...you know...all the usual triggers. Only now I am so much more aware and can check myself before I go completely off the codie wagon.

Keep coming back, it really does help!
~T
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Old 09-11-2012, 04:55 PM
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I think it's great you are reading Beattie and making the effort to examine yourself, Chickadees, but I'd sincerely like to know, what leads you to believe you're codependent?
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Old 09-11-2012, 05:23 PM
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to L2L re: What makes me think I'm a codie?

Hi L2L...I've read lots of your posts...thanks for that. I've learned so much from all of you.

I posted on another thread before I introduced myself here. I posted a quote from a friend (of a friend) of mine who is 23yrs sober and who I've been recently confiding to and asking advice from as I've been trying to wrap my head around the whole concept of codependency and he offered this:

"Feelings can be our downfall, and feelings are not facts....feelings change, facts are constant. Do not over analyze, being co-dependent is no more than trying to live/improve someones life who is not helping themselves. Making excuses, changing plans, foregoing our own needs for the bent ones of the dependent. Not a dirty word or concept, just a brick wall unless we change tact."

What he said made sense to me. As per my post, since I've moved, I'm feeling particularly vulnerable and lonely. For me, I think those emotions are what pushed me over the edge into codie-dom. Suddenly I was willing to make excuses, change plans, and forego my own plans to accommodate my AFWB's needs.

As I said in my OP, I have only given y'all a bare bones description of how and why I got here at SR. I can look back and see that my descent into codie-dom was likely more gradual than my brief description.

Does that shed more light on to why I think I'm a codie?

Again, thanks to everyone for sharing their stories and experiences. It has meant a lot to me.

Good Roads,
Chick
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Old 09-11-2012, 05:31 PM
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Originally Posted by Katiekate View Post
Hi Chick, thanks for the post.

It's my story, to a tee. That's how it started, then there was a two year break, he was sober, we hooked up again, it was great for a good year, then the tremors started.

it was agonizing, horrible, someone that I adored came undone.

I am still walking through the burning embers, try to pick my self up. Since January.

I encourage you to get support, make new friends, if you are close to your family, stay close, hunker down and read everything you can get your hands on about alcoholism, and everything you read , you can believe.

We are here, we care. Keep posting.
Thanks so much Katiekate... I appreciate your support. I have only recently signed up but will make an effort to go back an read your posts. I can't imagine what may happen if this was to continue into the future. It's so damn hard.
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Old 09-11-2012, 05:46 PM
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The way I read your post, you don't sound CoD to me. You sound independent and accomplished and like you know what you want, except that you got involved with an A, and since you moved you feel lonely and vulnerable. What do you suppose you are dependent on him for??
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Old 09-24-2012, 05:03 PM
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Good Question L2L

Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
The way I read your post, you don't sound CoD to me. You sound independent and accomplished and like you know what you want, except that you got involved with an A, and since you moved you feel lonely and vulnerable. What do you suppose you are dependent on him for??
Truth is...I'm not dependent on him for much. At most, he filled a void (loneliness) that only arose since I move from my most favourite neighbourhood and I was feeling a little isolated. He did a great job of filling in the gaps for me after I moved...he was around, he fixed things, he moved things. And I enjoyed his company, was comforted by his familiarness and his connection to my old neighbourhood. Soon enough I started to miss him, like a 'real' lover in a 'real' relationship. And then I started thinking/feeling things for him and started to want and wish for more of that.

What I've learned...I need to take care of my need for social time now that I'm a little farther away from my usual fixes (i.e. I could walk out my door at anytime, chat with neighbours for a minute or an hour, then happily go back inside and go about my day). Now I need to plan for that...on Friday after work for instance, or Saturday morning with friends over coffee.

I've also learned that although I've been good at avoiding or ignoring it, I still do want a partner to enjoy life with. My AFWB awakened feelings I had either long ago buried or just plain learned to 'forget about.' I still have hope that I will meet someone who I can have a healthy relationship with. I need to make more of an effort to put myself in situations where there is potential of meeting that person. I've even been considering internet dating (yikes!) .

So maybe my AFWB served a purpose for me. Maybe these are lessons I needed to learn and maybe this was life's way of telling me so (I'm a little stubborn, so of course a little nudge in that direction wasn't going to work

Anyway...thanks L2L, and to everyone else here. If I'm a codie or not, the lessons I'm continuing to learn about myself and my own 'issues' are priceless.

Good Roads,
Chick

Last edited by Chickadees; 09-24-2012 at 05:12 PM. Reason: hear to here
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Old 09-24-2012, 05:31 PM
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Thank you for posting all that Chick. Because it makes me realize I am in the same boat as you; need to focus on my social life and I realize that I do like the comfort of being in a committed relationship. I think I need to focus some energies on making a list of the kinds of characteristics I am looking for in a mate, and also make a list of what I want in life.

Thanks again!
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Old 09-24-2012, 05:51 PM
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L2l

You are most welcome. I have read so much wisdom here that it's an honour to think that my experience may be useful to someone else.

On another note...throughout my 'relationship' with my AFWB, this song has repeatedly come to mind. To me it's source of strength. It was one of the first songs I learned to play after picking up a guitar after 20 odd years. Funnily enough...when I played it for AFWB he said it was one of his mother's favourite songs. His mom was with his father for 18 yrs. I don't know how long or how bad his alcoholism really was, but I know it was pretty darn awful. I've never asked but I suspect she thinks of the wife in the story is Alcohol. I do too.

Stay (Sugarland version)
Songwriter: Nettles, Jennifer;

I've been sitting here staring at the clock on the wall
And I've been laying here praying, praying she won't call
It's just another call from home
And you'll get it and be gone and I'll be crying

And I'll be begging you, baby, beg you not to leave
But I'll be left here waiting with my heart on my sleeve
Oh, for the next time we'll be here
Seems like a million years and I think I'm dying
What do I have to do to make you see she can't love you like me?

Why don't you stay? I'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely, don't I give you what you need?
When she calls you to go, there is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way, baby, why don't you stay? Yeah

You keep telling me, baby there will come a time
When you will leave her arms and forever be in mine
But I don't think that's the truth
And I don't like being used and I'm tired of waiting
It's too much pain to have to bear to love a man you have to share

Why don't you stay? I'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely, don't I give you what you need?
When she calls you to go, there is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way, baby, why don't you stay?

I can't take it any longer but my will is getting stronger
And I think I know just what I have to do
I can't waste another minute after all that I've put in it
I've given you my best, why does she get the best of you?
So next time you find you wanna leave her bed for mine

Why don't you stay? I'm up off my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely, you can't give me what I need
When she begs you not to go, there is one thing you should know
I don't have to live this way, baby, why don't you stay? Yeah, oh
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Old 09-24-2012, 07:18 PM
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Originally Posted by Chickadees View Post
Hi All...
After the move, that's when something changed for me...Yikes! I started to care more about him and what I now recognize (thanks to you all) as codie behaviour started kicking in. I was and still am feeling a little out of sorts and missing my neighbourhood. I am feeling vulnerable and a little lonely for the first time in a long long time. I started to miss his company in a way I never did before. I started to accept behaviour that I wouldn't have before I moved. I started to get caught up in his drama. Short story...I got hooked on an addict.

good roads,
Chick:You_Rock
It's right there=--the bolded part.

The heartache from being lonely is nothing compared to the heartache you will experience if your life becomes too entwined with an active A.

The price you will have to pay--you have already started accepting behavior you wouldn't have before, you have said it yourself. Codies lose not only respect for the A's, codies lose respect for themselves.

This is a slippery slope--sure you don't want to get yourself out while you still can?
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Old 09-25-2012, 05:38 AM
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So smart of you to educate yourself, think this through and get support.

What would be harder, walking more often to your old comfy neighborhood or walking away from the A?

Also, do you think that once it became WB, your feelings began to deepen for him. Is that a big part of the entanglement equation? Just something to ponder on.

All the best to you!
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Old 09-25-2012, 03:02 PM
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Oh yah...

Originally Posted by MadeOfGlass View Post
It's right there=--the bolded part.

The heartache from being lonely is nothing compared to the heartache you will experience if your life becomes too entwined with an active A.

The price you will have to pay--you have already started accepting behavior you wouldn't have before, you have said it yourself. Codies lose not only respect for the A's, codies lose respect for themselves.

This is a slippery slope--sure you don't want to get yourself out while you still can?
Absolutely MadeOfGlass...I agree %1000. In another posted I described the events of a week ago Sunday (I tried to post the link but apparently don't have enough posts to put links in my posts).

I have had no contact with my AFWB since that day. He did call last Sat night but I was already in bed (I had been away for a few days having fun with friends and family) and didn't even bother to get up to see who was calling, so didn't know it was him until the next morning. He didn't leave a message.

I plan to remain mostly no contact (i.e. maybe email only? I dunno yet). I haven't made an issue of it, and haven't communicated my 'no contact plan' to him or his family. I kind of feel as though I should put something in writing as I'm fairly certain he will show up one way or another within relatively short order. I'm hedging communicating that to him in part because I really don't want to deal with him or his issues right now. Right now, I'm just focusing on me, my life, my needs.

Maybe I don't need to communicate anything to him or his family? I'm back and forth about this and any insight anyone might have would be appreciated.

Thanks for your input MOG,
Good Road,
Chick
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Old 09-25-2012, 03:43 PM
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Originally Posted by Titanic View Post
So smart of you to educate yourself, think this through and get support.

What would be harder, walking more often to your old comfy neighborhood or walking away from the A?

Also, do you think that once it became WB, your feelings began to deepen for him. Is that a big part of the entanglement equation? Just something to ponder on.

All the best to you!
Thanks for your reply Titanic...I've read lots of your posts.

Walking through my old neighbourhood would be a lot easier now if my AFWB didn't live there (and out and about a lot, walking his dog)! But yes, I get what you're saying.

Oddly enough, at least initially the WB thing didn't really change much. My feelings seemed to deepen after I moved (and was a bit out of sorts and a little lonely).

I just posted to MadeOfGlass above re: any advice with going either limited or no contact. Your input on that would be appreciated too.

be well,
Chick

Last edited by Chickadees; 09-25-2012 at 03:53 PM. Reason: lost to lots ...doh
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