How much "meanness is okay?"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 4
How much "meanness is okay?"
I know the family suffers and have every reason to be angry, but when does the name-calling and past issues ever stop? I'm finding it hard to keep being berated and then also have it done in front of my daughter. He's fine when he's not mad but as soon as I say something that may set him off forget it! Sorry So long!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Surrey, UK
Posts: 522
Dear jes17,
sorry that you are finding things tough.
I am not aware of your situation so it is hard to know what to say apart from, in my books, no meanness is ok really, but as you said anger is understandable. Very hard to have to take though.
Wish you well and hope you get some support.
sorry that you are finding things tough.
I am not aware of your situation so it is hard to know what to say apart from, in my books, no meanness is ok really, but as you said anger is understandable. Very hard to have to take though.
Wish you well and hope you get some support.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 41
Hi Jes17
Its never nice to be on the receiving end of someones anger or meanness and doing so in front of children is not great.
All I can say is about my own situation...I'm very angry with my AH, mainly when I see him or something happens and I feel overwhelmed...I'm not meaning to to mean or going out of my way to hurt him but I have gone through so much pain, heart ache, you name it I feel like I felt it. I've been on the receiving end of some pretty nasty out bursts from him which has hurt me to the point I don't even know I can ever forgive him. I'm angry I'm now on my own with 2 little boys, I'm angry about the whole thing and I don't know when I will be able to feel anything else. I know for my own sake I need to stop feeling so angry as it does not get you anywhere in the long run, it's not going to take it away, change it or make it better. I'm not actually saying anything nasty to him...I'm telling him the truth about how all his actions and behaviours have impacted on our lives which I feel I need to do to help me to move forward!
Its never nice to be on the receiving end of someones anger or meanness and doing so in front of children is not great.
All I can say is about my own situation...I'm very angry with my AH, mainly when I see him or something happens and I feel overwhelmed...I'm not meaning to to mean or going out of my way to hurt him but I have gone through so much pain, heart ache, you name it I feel like I felt it. I've been on the receiving end of some pretty nasty out bursts from him which has hurt me to the point I don't even know I can ever forgive him. I'm angry I'm now on my own with 2 little boys, I'm angry about the whole thing and I don't know when I will be able to feel anything else. I know for my own sake I need to stop feeling so angry as it does not get you anywhere in the long run, it's not going to take it away, change it or make it better. I'm not actually saying anything nasty to him...I'm telling him the truth about how all his actions and behaviours have impacted on our lives which I feel I need to do to help me to move forward!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 378
Spouses and families of alcoholics can sometimes stay angry for a long time. Has he tried Alanon? Or come with you to an AA meeting? Maybe you should both go and let him hear the stories from others, it can be a good wake-up call.
I don't think any meanness is OK. Ever.
If he is undermining your recovery, you have to got to find a safer place. This is your life at stake and the well being of a child. Recovery for you is #1, paramount! And congrats on 5 months! Fantastic!
I don't think any meanness is OK. Ever.
If he is undermining your recovery, you have to got to find a safer place. This is your life at stake and the well being of a child. Recovery for you is #1, paramount! And congrats on 5 months! Fantastic!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 41
Well done on not having a drink for 5 months, keep it up!!
You can only be a drunk if you are drunk and you are certainly not drunk if you have not drunk for 5 month!!!
I would think he is only saying "your a drunk and go have another drink" out of frustration and still being angry. Not that this is an excuse for him making you feel bad, its a terrible situation for everyone who is in it. Maybe a time when your daughter is not around you could tell him how much this is effecting you and upsetting you. He(as well as most of us) needs to address this and work out how to deal with this and not lash out at you.
Hope you continue with your no drinking and don't let anyone get in your way!
You can only be a drunk if you are drunk and you are certainly not drunk if you have not drunk for 5 month!!!
I would think he is only saying "your a drunk and go have another drink" out of frustration and still being angry. Not that this is an excuse for him making you feel bad, its a terrible situation for everyone who is in it. Maybe a time when your daughter is not around you could tell him how much this is effecting you and upsetting you. He(as well as most of us) needs to address this and work out how to deal with this and not lash out at you.
Hope you continue with your no drinking and don't let anyone get in your way!
Congrats on your sobritety!
I think the most important thing to remember is to stay true to your path regardless of what your partner says or does.
When one lives with an active alcoholic huge amounts of anger get bottled up, and it takes great deal of strenght and work on oneself to get passed that anger and learn to trust person in recovery.
Of course I don't know your partner, so I can not know if he is a kind of person who talks that way to anyone who upsets him, or is he just scared out of his mind to trust you again, so he rather attack you and not trust you than expose himself again.
I'm not saying he has a right to speak to you that way, but trying to undrstand why he does it could make the things easier on you.
I think it would be a good idea to have a calm conversation about the whole thing.
I wish you well
I think the most important thing to remember is to stay true to your path regardless of what your partner says or does.
When one lives with an active alcoholic huge amounts of anger get bottled up, and it takes great deal of strenght and work on oneself to get passed that anger and learn to trust person in recovery.
Of course I don't know your partner, so I can not know if he is a kind of person who talks that way to anyone who upsets him, or is he just scared out of his mind to trust you again, so he rather attack you and not trust you than expose himself again.
I'm not saying he has a right to speak to you that way, but trying to undrstand why he does it could make the things easier on you.
I think it would be a good idea to have a calm conversation about the whole thing.
I wish you well
This is totally different. I recommend AA for you, alanon for him. Are either of you using either fellowship?
Congratulations on your 5 months! That's great!!
I'm sorry you are on the receiving end of verbal abuse. That's never OK.
Your husband, at this point, has some healing to do, too. He is not used to the new, sober, you. And he doesn't trust it yet....and he has the right not to trust your sobriety yet. He does not have the right to be abusive.
It kind of works two ways: He has every right to take whatever time he needs to get over his anger, and hurt, and fear that you will relapse. He has every right to not be around you if you have been drinking.
You have every right to pursue your own recovery with everything you have. You also have the right to leave the room or end the conversation if he is being abusive and mean.
Congratulations, again! Good luck as you continue on this path!!
I'm sorry you are on the receiving end of verbal abuse. That's never OK.
Your husband, at this point, has some healing to do, too. He is not used to the new, sober, you. And he doesn't trust it yet....and he has the right not to trust your sobriety yet. He does not have the right to be abusive.
It kind of works two ways: He has every right to take whatever time he needs to get over his anger, and hurt, and fear that you will relapse. He has every right to not be around you if you have been drinking.
You have every right to pursue your own recovery with everything you have. You also have the right to leave the room or end the conversation if he is being abusive and mean.
Congratulations, again! Good luck as you continue on this path!!
Hi Jes17,
Welcome to the forum and congrats of 5 mos of not drinking!
Not drinking is a great start and the most important component to a successful recovery and the path to healing relationships and a potential healthy family home for your child.
Is your partner committed to your marriage and is he willing to grow and change if it meant a happier future?
While alcoholism is beyond awful for the partner no one is perfect and often there are underlying issues that need to be worked out and understood by both parties to improve communication and build the love back to the place it was when you fell in love back in the day!
Alanon for your spouse, AA for you... and this is working the steps, a sponsor and not just meeting attendance which is just the tip of the iceberg!
The action that best helped my family (including my children) was counseling... individual and joint with a GOOD counselor who understands addiction issues.
Pick your counselor like you would pick a brain surgeon... they are not all created equal.
Last... I want to tell you how proud I am of you for looking for answers and willingness to come to a website like this. You can make it... your marriage may not and you only can control what you can control... but YOU can make it!
It will get better if you keep doing the next right thing... let us know how it goes.
Welcome to the forum and congrats of 5 mos of not drinking!
Not drinking is a great start and the most important component to a successful recovery and the path to healing relationships and a potential healthy family home for your child.
Is your partner committed to your marriage and is he willing to grow and change if it meant a happier future?
While alcoholism is beyond awful for the partner no one is perfect and often there are underlying issues that need to be worked out and understood by both parties to improve communication and build the love back to the place it was when you fell in love back in the day!
Alanon for your spouse, AA for you... and this is working the steps, a sponsor and not just meeting attendance which is just the tip of the iceberg!
The action that best helped my family (including my children) was counseling... individual and joint with a GOOD counselor who understands addiction issues.
Pick your counselor like you would pick a brain surgeon... they are not all created equal.
Last... I want to tell you how proud I am of you for looking for answers and willingness to come to a website like this. You can make it... your marriage may not and you only can control what you can control... but YOU can make it!
It will get better if you keep doing the next right thing... let us know how it goes.
jess if you are in recovery...you know the rules...you are accountable for YOU and your behaviours and attitudes....with that being said
you beloved may need his/or her own recovery path also...sounds like alot of resentments towards you...(mu 2cents)...
give your love ones the gift of their own 12 step program, mine is AL ANON...
ooh and ps...if your love one is off and mouth is shooting off, use your words, just say..."when you are calm, I will talk to you, otherwise i am leaving this conversation"...works for me...
good luck!
you beloved may need his/or her own recovery path also...sounds like alot of resentments towards you...(mu 2cents)...
give your love ones the gift of their own 12 step program, mine is AL ANON...
ooh and ps...if your love one is off and mouth is shooting off, use your words, just say..."when you are calm, I will talk to you, otherwise i am leaving this conversation"...works for me...
good luck!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Michigan
Posts: 73
I am in the same situation as you are. I am 10 months sober and have no desire to drink it has taken a lot of work on my part. My husband will probably never forgive me and I have accepted that. I also have learned that he has always been an angry person. I drank out of anger at him after our second child was born. I see what a huge resentment can do to your life. I have had to really look at my marriage and decide if this is what I want. I wish he would seek recovery for himself but I cannot make him. He basically does not talk to me and I just stay out of his way. I do not react to anything he does anymore. He has cheated on me and for all I know he still is. If something goes wrong or breaks it is always that we did something. I don't have a clue as to why he doesn't file for divorce. I will hopefully soon. Before I do I need to make sure I'm healthy emotionally. He has already made it known that everything is his. Your husband may come around but there is no excuse for him to treat you that way. Try to talk to him but be prepared that you may not like what you hear. Just keep working on you and be there for your kids. Like they say in AA more will be revealed. I am in a very good place right now I do not allow my husband to take my peace away anymore and I try not to think of what he thinks anymore because it does me no good. I guess you could say I have detatched from him.
If your husband were in an Al-Anon recovery program to deal with the issues that you mentioned, and if he also related the above quote, his sponsor most likely would tell him this.
"Just remember that neither you nor your second child caused her to drink. The disease of alcoholism did. You did not Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it. Do not take her blaming you to heart as she's in early recovery. She needs more work on her program, but you need to work on yours. Things like your anger and resentments towards her, your dishonesty and unfaithfulness, and forgiveness. That's all part of your Step 4 to 9 work, and of keeping your side of the street clean. Do so and you will find serenity, contentment and even happiness, whether your wife is still drinking or not."
Sounds like each of you might do well to focus on your own recoveries. Congratulations on remaining sober for 5 months!
"Just remember that neither you nor your second child caused her to drink. The disease of alcoholism did. You did not Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it. Do not take her blaming you to heart as she's in early recovery. She needs more work on her program, but you need to work on yours. Things like your anger and resentments towards her, your dishonesty and unfaithfulness, and forgiveness. That's all part of your Step 4 to 9 work, and of keeping your side of the street clean. Do so and you will find serenity, contentment and even happiness, whether your wife is still drinking or not."
Sounds like each of you might do well to focus on your own recoveries. Congratulations on remaining sober for 5 months!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Michigan
Posts: 73
I in no way blame my husband for my drinking. That was my choice. The only thing one can do is keep their side clean. I was trying to help the OP so she can deal with her husband in a way that is best for her. I come and read here often and have read a lot of great things that have helped me. I have posted once before and decided not to post anymore since I felt attacked (which I understand many of you have been through a lot with your alcoholic). I decided to post since she was dealing with the same thing I have been. I have let go of my resentments toward him and it has freed me. He has not and that is something the OP has to be prepared for with her husband. To the OP congratulations and keep up the good work it is well worth it )
It comes down to how much abuse I'm willing to take. Today anyone who talks to me without respect is immediately out out of my life. But back when I chose to be in a relationship with an alcoholic I took much more for much longer than I should have. I recommend Alanon which taught me to take responsibility for my life and build the self-esteem I needed to have a much better life.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Richland Center, WI
Posts: 38
By the time my RAH went into treatment I was very angry and resentful. It takes time to work through that resentment and anger. I am still working through it. I'm always having to work at my reactions and think before I speak. I tend to be very sarcastic in my responses and I need to work on toning my reactions down.
Name calling is not productive for anyone involved. It sounds like your spouse needs some outside support. AL-ANON and/or individual counseling to help him work on himself. None of us our perfect and all need some help in this situation. I'm sure your drinking problem has been difficult for everyone in your family and it is a process we all have to work through in recovery.
Try and have some alone time where you can talk about how things are making both of you feel.
Name calling is not productive for anyone involved. It sounds like your spouse needs some outside support. AL-ANON and/or individual counseling to help him work on himself. None of us our perfect and all need some help in this situation. I'm sure your drinking problem has been difficult for everyone in your family and it is a process we all have to work through in recovery.
Try and have some alone time where you can talk about how things are making both of you feel.
jes17, how old is your daughter? You may be right that none of it may be appropriate around her!
Your husband could benefit from going to Al-Anon and working a program, no doubt!
As for how long your past behavior gets brought up, that is a really good question and a hard one at that. I must let more years go by before I truly know, maybe. I will think more about your question.
Part of it is how long for forgiveness. Another part is the forgetting, or at least the biting of one's tongue. Detaching, perhaps, but having a daughter together adds to the difficulty of that.
In the meantime, I ask you to think about how long he legitimately COULD spend time worrying about your condition affecting all of your lives down the road? How long does HE need to heal even if he is in recovery? Recognize that the kinds of wounds we "codies" suffered, and the number of times they were inflicted upon us, does affect how tender we are in those places TODAY.
Your husband could benefit from going to Al-Anon and working a program, no doubt!
As for how long your past behavior gets brought up, that is a really good question and a hard one at that. I must let more years go by before I truly know, maybe. I will think more about your question.
Part of it is how long for forgiveness. Another part is the forgetting, or at least the biting of one's tongue. Detaching, perhaps, but having a daughter together adds to the difficulty of that.
In the meantime, I ask you to think about how long he legitimately COULD spend time worrying about your condition affecting all of your lives down the road? How long does HE need to heal even if he is in recovery? Recognize that the kinds of wounds we "codies" suffered, and the number of times they were inflicted upon us, does affect how tender we are in those places TODAY.
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