BlueSkies1

I realize this is a big problem for me. I have goals that I haven't even tried to meet. I simply am afraid. Maybe of failure. Maybe of success. It's so much easier to sweep those goals under the rug for another day, and go on status quo.
The thing is, I can't even begin to truly process what is Mine, and what was the stress of the alcoholic relationship, if I don't take care of my self-disappointment. It has to get out of the way, and tackled, FIRST.

I am wondering how many other "codies" suffer from self-disappointment. While we are hiding out in the foxhole waiting for the next alcoholic bomb to be dropped...how many others found themselves paralyzed and unable to act?
Now that I am separated from him I no longer can say he is the cause of paralysis. But I still get stuck in that old mindset. Paralysis is now an old habit.
Fear...and I don't even know what of.
What I am going to do today to start to take care of my self-disappointment: Pay a bill that I have had the money for, which is horribly overdue, but I haven't wanted to pay it because I can't stand the thought of talking to a complete stranger over a late bill. I'm embarrassed. What's up with that? I have to make the call and pay it anyway, embarrassed with a stranger or not...
What are you doing today to get rid of self-disappointment? Or meet your goals? And here's the biggie...first admit here what goal you have fallen short of. It's too easy to simply post how we are improving...instead of where we need to improve.
Me: It's Cut and dry...horrible finances.

LifeRecovery

I found out this "freeze" for me was a reaction typical in unresolved trauma. Doing my work on that helped immensely.

It is hard to be in it though, the first part for me was becoming aware of it.

BlueSkies1

I can't afford a psychotherapist...so knowing if it is unresolved trauma is a difficult call. It could be partly, and it could be partly simply procrastination and understanding the whys.
I will keep that in mind though as I struggle to overcome this. I should understand more as I make progress I hope.

Katiekate

Hi Madeofglass, you are not alone.

The depression I suffered after all the fallout was very intense and difficult. Some days I wondered what there was out there in the world for me, just totally underwater.

You are doing well, the bill stuff you brought up nearly made me spit out my coffee, I have now begun to put my bills inside my laptop, I got tired of opening it and looking at those damn bills, I'm getting better at it. Small steps, you have been through so much, you have nothing to be embarrassed about, I mentioned the late bill thing to a group of girlfriends on night at dinner, they all said they too went through cycles of not paying bills on time, no alcoholic bf's there, you are not alone.

I have decided to just get up every day and do the best I can, walking has been my best tool for getting motivated. You have completely changed your life, it will take some time to get into your own groove. Please be kind to yourself, you deserve nothing but kindness in your life. Hang in sweetie, it get better. Just start to address the finanaces a bit at a time, it's okay, and it will all fall into place.

Love to you Katie xo

BlueSkies1

Thank-you so much Katie, that post was pure compassion from a complete stranger who understands.
I don't use a laptop but I can put each day's bill in my coffee cup...can't have any until I pay it?
Hmmm...maybe next to it would be better...I'd vote for the coffee first and drink coffee with a wet bill in the cup too...
<----True coffee addict, confesses.

Can't just post here...ACTION. ACT. ACT! ACT! MUST ACTUALLY DO!

Being frozen in action is for popsicles not people...must think of the law of motion...things in motion tend to stay in motion, things at rest tend to stay at rest...

WishingWell

This is such a wonderful topic. I left my husband for nearly a year, a few years ago, while he got sober. I wasn't planning on going back. And yes, I was numb for a lot of reasons. There was fear but there was also great relief.

But what I found when I left completely surprised me - a lot of my issues were my issues. No, not the crazy addiction stuff but how I dealt with it. It carried over to every facet of my own life. It was easy for me to blame nearly everything going wrong on HIS ADDICTION. The truth was - my own dysfunctions were there long before I met him and were going to be here long after he left. It was going to haunt me the rest of my life and cause harm, way past the time I left him.

So, I started to do some really deep inner work!! I was in therapy at the time but when I left on my own, I couldn't afford it. So I started to read one book after another. And started writing out my thoughts nearly every day. One big help for me, huge in a lot of ways was Byron Katie. I read one of her books then went to her site. She calls what she helps people do, "The Work". AND it's free on her website. It's a series of questions you ask yourself. Very simple and - wow - very effective. I started to see my own patterns and my own assumptions just jumping out at me. I needed to be ready to take full responsibility for myself - my thinking and my actions, period, for this to work.

I worked with this for quite awhile, so many times that now I automatically question my own thinking for clarity. It's been an enormous wake-up call. You can also watch free videos on her site of her taking people through the process and see all of their "light bulbs" going off, as it did for me!

The Work of Byron Katie :: Homepage

I think it's great that you are seeing the need to grow. Congratulations - that is where life truly begins, IMO.

ShootingStar1

How funny, MadeOfGlass, KatieKate, LifeRecovery, I am suffering from the same thing. I like numbers, I like making things balance, I like order, but for 20 years AH controlled all the finances, bill paying, everything.

It has seemed like a monumental mountain to me to figure out how to do on-line bill pay. I had a monstrously large credit card bill to pay, and the money to pay it, and it weighed on me like cement on a Mafioso. The time went by and it was too late to mail a check. So yesterday, I HAD to pay it. First I sat at the computer, blank, like a virus had erased my brain. I even drove to the bank to see it they could do it, but drove back home, disgusted with myself for not just DOING IT.

Eventually, I DID IT! I paid the sucker!!!! On-line!! From the bank account that actually had the money in it!!! And this morning, the correct amount was deducted from my checking account and the correct amount was credited to my credit card bill!!!!!

And last night I was on such a roll that I balanced the checkbook on line with Quicken, which I haven't used for a hundred years. And I used to run a business. OMG, what has happened to me? Why does this seem like a miracle?

Today I have to figure out ANOTHER set of bank accounts. I am sitting at my computer, as blank as a virus.....

And the Monday meeting-with-the-lawyer-deadline to bring the divorce financial affidavit is coming closer and closer... Why do I feel like these things are stalking me? WHAT IS MY PROBLEM????? I am so annoyed with myself about this.

What has happened to all of us? LifeRecovery, that was a good suggestion about unresolved trauma. There must be some emotional undercurrent that is pulling us down into these stupid rapids. Any ideas?

BothSidesNow

WishingWell

BTW - I remember being so freaked out financially that my legs shook - for a few months. I actually wondered if I had MS!! No income, he made all the money and he was going down hard. So scary.

I hand it anyone leaving a relationship and starting over - it's a mountain to climb.

But I have to say - it was one of the very best things that ever happened to me. One reason - I was reminded of how strong I am and that I can survive. In fact - once I got my "sea legs" and he was sober, we were dating - I was in no hurry to go back. None.

Good to lift those weights and rebuild our muscles . . . Hugs!

Katiekate

Every little thing is going to be alright!

wicked

I have filed for Chapter 7. I was stuck for so long (I have a depressive disorder) that it was impossible for me to catch up.
My point is this: Get some knowledge, if you used to do it, you can certainly do it again.
I am using a service on the internet called LearnVest.com. It has been wonderful to learn how to handle my check, take charge, save money. I have no stake in the company, there are many out there (personal finance education) who have the knowledge and can guide you in the right direction.
Being accountable is the most important to me. I cannot just throw money around anymore, I must have a plan. It can be done, done well, by you!

Beth

Katiekate

thanks Beth!

dollydo

I think that many women turn all their financial power and well-being over to men, why?
Cause that's what their mothers did, once they married, it became the husbands responsibility to support the family, plan for the families future, invest the money and so on.

To me, it is a learned behavior, not a good one, yet one that can be relearned, we can all learn how to manage our money, invest and provide for our future...it is up to us.

LifeRecovery

Okay so first you need to know that my mom was the math person in my family, and I get anxious about money to the extreme (it is a control issue for me). I tend to go the opposite extreme when it comes to money (not any healthier, but the other side of the pendulum). With that take what I say about it all with a grain of salt.

What has helped though.

1. I took a money related class. The one I did was Financial Freedom with Dave Ramsey (offered at many community colleges and churches). It helped A LOT for me to have a "plan" and to get myself organized and off the ceiling about money specific type stress. I think the books cose 90dollars and the class was free. You can look it up on line. I did end up buying Qwicken after the class and it has been a lifesaver for me. This class allowed me to divorce my hubby when the time was right, buy our house from him (I am 35), and pay all the bills, and still AFFORD therapy which was very needed, and continues to be.

My first suggestion about the freezing though is kind of different then where the thread has gone.

Initially they thought that we only had two response when faced with a challenge, fight or flight. Now they are realizing there is a third viable option and have expanded the choices to include freeze (think deer on a road in headlights). We use all three as options, but we tend to have a fave...mine is freeze. It saved me in many occasions when I was little because it allowed me to not be seen.

Sometimes it is part of my default when I don't want to deal. Not always and not all of it (some of it is habit). Some of it is feeling down because of all the changes in my life in the past few years (time helped with those).

A great book on this is called "Waking the Tiger" by Steve Levine. It helped me to realize that trauma included more than what I thought was trauma (I thought it was war time stuff only). It helped me to learn that my responses were pretty much in line with "normal" for trauma responses from earlier in my life. Also when we experience trauma our brain does not put a time stamp on it....thus anything similar to it feels like that original experience. That was a huge relief to here too. For me accepting that I had trauma was a start....and the rest kind of fell into place.

I have a website somewhere on some of this stuff that is great...but it might take a day or two to find....I will post when I can. I am excited for the one posted above to try it out. Again it is kind of out there....so take with a grain of salt.

To deal with the trauma I used therapy, but have also used a meditation class, and am currently taking a class called Tension Release Exercise...which is all about neurogenic shaking. I found a huge amount of relief/release from the first and am finding this to be great also.

ShootingStar1

Initially they thought that we only had two response when faced with a challenge, fight or flight. Now they are realizing there is a third viable option and have expanded the choices to include freeze (think deer on a road in headlights). We use all three as options, but we tend to have a fave...mine is freeze. It saved me in many occasions when I was little because it allowed me to not be seen.

Wow, LifeRecovery, this is so important to know. That's exactly what is happening to me. Like you, when I was a child, "not being there" was life saving. And you're right, I did freeze. Actually, I also really held my breath, so as to not take up any space at all. I still find myself holding my breath at the oddest moments. I loved it when that song "just breathe" would come on the car radio - it was like a reminder to me had been sent out by the universe!

Clearly, I need to do more work on trauma. I am having PTSD flashbacks to some of the porn crap my AH made sure I saw - he would have it playing on his office computer, then call me in - before I left home.

On the money front, those sites you've all mentioned sound great. My son and daughter-in-law used Mint.com when they saved for a house, and recommend it. It is a free money management site that seems to be particularly good at budgeting. I think you can pay your bills from it, but it doesn't balance the checkbook register. It has been bought by Intuit, who owns Quicken, so I'm going to try it for budgeting, and also balance my checkbook in Quicken. Evidently the "what if" budget feature is very good, as are the progress reports on meeting goals.

BothSidesNow

lizatola

Oh, I just ordered this book because my cousin and aunt told me about how wonderful it was. Can't wait to start reading it!

MadeofGlass: I, too, struggle with the bill thing and I put up a really nice cork board above my desk, instead of the painting that I had there before. I bought pretty decorative pins to hold stuff in place and I started pinning up my Al Anon slogans, appointment cards, bills tacked randomly so they're in front of my face, etc. Then I realized the bills were out of control and I finally organized them by due date. I am a bit of a 'clutter hater' and that board looks like a cluttered mess but I have come to realize that it keeps me motivated to work my program and to also stay on top of appointments and bills. That's about as organized as I can get right now, LOL!

BlueSkies1

Ha...yes, I knew this was my issue and my issue alone long before I split up with him. I never pulled the wool over my eyes and blamed it on his alcholism.

Things were complicated because he was a control freak, and one of the only ways I could frustrate him as much as he frustrated me was to not pay my bills on time.
I think this falls into the cutting off your nose to spite your own face category.
But more than that...it's the deer in headlights theory, the freeze. It is my response too often, to believe that doing nothing is the safest way to let problems in life pass. Umm...doesn't work with bills.

Yes, I agree, thanks so much lifereocovery, it is true that trauma has something to do with this type of response! Dad was a tyrant and I learned long ago to simply try to disappear.
bothsidesnow...I think you are simply a deer in headlights that you have this individual power now to run your own life. You haven't done that in so long, and tied your identity to your tbx, that you don't believe you have the power you do.
I think that goes for me too. Acknowledging my own power...I'm onto something here...it's still foggy...I have the power over my own life yet I struggle with the concept. I was so used to feeling helpless for so long...wow, to combat and rise above it...I AM POWERFUL WHEN IT IS ABOUT ME! WHOO-HOO!

BlueSkies1

I hold the power when it is about me! He doesn't! WHOO HOOO HOOO HOOO HOO!

You readers and posters...YOU HOLD THE POWER WHEN IT IS ABOUT YOU!

Whoo hoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am laughing my ass off right now!

Katiekate