Are they even emotionally available or capable?
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Are they even emotionally available or capable?
In another thread, "Who TF am I dealing with?", I threw this question out along the way: Learn2Live asked me to clarify so, what I was trying to put my finger on is this. In a "normal" relationship, two people love each other. When one falters, which is inevitable, they talk about and resolve it, or not but then it's clearly "there" between them to be resolved. They're BOTH over it or not. They are emotionally engaged.
With an A, when the other falters, does some or even most of "the issue" fall into an abyss, which Addiction stands guard over? Like some Bermuda Triangle, do some slights, mistakes and missteps disappear or barely register on the A's radar yet somehow eat the A from the inside?
Do As just stash this stuff, only to say later that it was our fault the relationship failed? Do they just fester with their wounds?
Do the As take our apologies and even lie when they say it's okay?
OR IS IT BROADER THAN THAT? Are As emotionally available? Are they at least withdrawn? Can they emotionally deal or relate?
Do As just bury, numb (yes, with their DOC), stuff or suppress events or emotions, temporarily, only to explode later - like a volcano - destroying themselves, their family members and their relationships?
Are they emotionally stunted, unable or unwilling to be in a realistic relationship? Are they emotionally capable of a REAL one? A relationship with a mature adult, not some other unrecovered A or some emotional "child"?
Or is it only some As, some wounds, some apologies, some situations?
Am I at fault even though I apologized (as ones in normal couples do) and worked at the relationship on my end?
Originally Posted by Titanic 
Are whatever missteps we made in the relationship with the As never forgiven or fixable because the As weren't emotionally available in the first place?
With an A, when the other falters, does some or even most of "the issue" fall into an abyss, which Addiction stands guard over? Like some Bermuda Triangle, do some slights, mistakes and missteps disappear or barely register on the A's radar yet somehow eat the A from the inside?
Do As just stash this stuff, only to say later that it was our fault the relationship failed? Do they just fester with their wounds?
Do the As take our apologies and even lie when they say it's okay?
OR IS IT BROADER THAN THAT? Are As emotionally available? Are they at least withdrawn? Can they emotionally deal or relate?
Do As just bury, numb (yes, with their DOC), stuff or suppress events or emotions, temporarily, only to explode later - like a volcano - destroying themselves, their family members and their relationships?
Are they emotionally stunted, unable or unwilling to be in a realistic relationship? Are they emotionally capable of a REAL one? A relationship with a mature adult, not some other unrecovered A or some emotional "child"?
Or is it only some As, some wounds, some apologies, some situations?
Am I at fault even though I apologized (as ones in normal couples do) and worked at the relationship on my end?
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
We are not having relationships with our loved ones, we are having relationships with their addcition, their addcition is impossible to relate to, everything that crosses it's path is a threat to alcohlism.
No they are not emotionally available, no they are not capable of having healthy relationships, they are sick, wounded, manipulative, addiction is cruel.
Trying to make sense of, or befriend addcition is an excercise is futility. When you talk to an alcoholic you are wasiting your time, alcoholism hears what it wants to hear, it twists every thing you say, every action you take, and there is no capacity for the addited brain to take responsibility for it's actions. It's you and only you, who are responsible for disharmony in the relationship.
The addict is a master at pulling transgressions for the past and throwing them in your face to keep you off balance, to strip you of your self esteem, to blame you for everything that ever went wrong in the world and confuse you to the point of uncle. You can not reason with an addict, nor can you discuss any issue that pushes against addictive thinking.
I used to try to figure out WHAT JUST HAPPENED, what just happened always ended up that I , once again, engaged with my axbf, and I got exactly what I always got in the past, blind sided, blamed, put down, brought to my knees once again. I stopped trying to figure it all out, and just began my own journey to healing. No they are not emotionally capable or available, their brain is toxic.
No they are not emotionally available, no they are not capable of having healthy relationships, they are sick, wounded, manipulative, addiction is cruel.
Trying to make sense of, or befriend addcition is an excercise is futility. When you talk to an alcoholic you are wasiting your time, alcoholism hears what it wants to hear, it twists every thing you say, every action you take, and there is no capacity for the addited brain to take responsibility for it's actions. It's you and only you, who are responsible for disharmony in the relationship.
The addict is a master at pulling transgressions for the past and throwing them in your face to keep you off balance, to strip you of your self esteem, to blame you for everything that ever went wrong in the world and confuse you to the point of uncle. You can not reason with an addict, nor can you discuss any issue that pushes against addictive thinking.
I used to try to figure out WHAT JUST HAPPENED, what just happened always ended up that I , once again, engaged with my axbf, and I got exactly what I always got in the past, blind sided, blamed, put down, brought to my knees once again. I stopped trying to figure it all out, and just began my own journey to healing. No they are not emotionally capable or available, their brain is toxic.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 75
I think the addiction part gets far to much excuse 'airtime"
I went through every stage with my Ex Ah partner. It all comes down to how much a person wants something. And for a AH its embracing a recovery ethos ie AA and sticking with it.
I see so many stories as to what how and why and have the greatest respect for the evil that is alcholism.. What I dont have respect for is the impact a relapse has on for everyone- not just the AH. Was my sober recovering A good person .. Yes however it dawned on me that to get to the stage of alcholism a individual has to be damaged in my case very damaged..
A yes there emotionally available - just in a situation that suits them. Mine was the master of not taking responsibility - why should she mummy and daddy were there to pay for everything..
Be angry but be kind to yourself.. The kicker for me was the head of rehab saying its takes 5 years of sobriety not ONE for full changes to have been seen.. Lifes to short , its not your problem and it never was !
Take care
I went through every stage with my Ex Ah partner. It all comes down to how much a person wants something. And for a AH its embracing a recovery ethos ie AA and sticking with it.
I see so many stories as to what how and why and have the greatest respect for the evil that is alcholism.. What I dont have respect for is the impact a relapse has on for everyone- not just the AH. Was my sober recovering A good person .. Yes however it dawned on me that to get to the stage of alcholism a individual has to be damaged in my case very damaged..
A yes there emotionally available - just in a situation that suits them. Mine was the master of not taking responsibility - why should she mummy and daddy were there to pay for everything..
Be angry but be kind to yourself.. The kicker for me was the head of rehab saying its takes 5 years of sobriety not ONE for full changes to have been seen.. Lifes to short , its not your problem and it never was !
Take care
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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Titanic, when I read your post, what came to mind were two things: Interdependence and Resentment.
You ask about what is "normal" for a relationship. And to me, ALL of what we talk about is "normal," whether it is sick behavior or sick thinking, or not. The question for me is not about normalcy, but instead my focus is on what is healthy. And what I have learned (although I am not great in practice, YET) is that Interdependent relationships, which is what I think you are describing regarding communication and emotional engagement, are the healthiest. And IMO, you cannot have an Interdependent relationship with an alcoholic or addict. In Interdependent relationships, EACH person is strong, healthy, and balanced in their own life and they come together strong, healthy, and balanced, and share, relate, communicate, grow, etc. TOGETHER. They cooperate with one another and work together toward a shared goal. I've yet to meet an alcoholic or addict who is strong, healthy, or balanced. The relationships with As & As I've had and heard about are SEVERELY skewed. And ALWAYS toward the A's use of their DOC.
The second issue you talk about in your post sounds to me like Resentment. And if you Google "resentment alcoholism" or something like that, I am certain you will get plenty of information about it. The alcoholics and addicts I have known are the most resentful people I've ever met. They hold onto resentments for decades, if not their entire lives. It is the way they THINK. And the way one thinks determines how they relate to others. And until they let go of that way of thinking, they will not change.
Here are my answers to your questions.
Probably. I think it depends on the issue. What did you do that the A is holding a resentment about?
Yes, they can do this.
Yes.
I've never met or known an emotionally available alcoholic or addict. Alcoholism and addiction are means of escape from emotions and feelings. The substance numbs them and their feelings. Numbs the world. They are not fully participatory.
Yes.
Yes.
Doubtful.
Everyone is different but one thing is for sure, alcoholism is progressive and the longer they use their DOC, the harder it is to be in relationship with them. You can generalize, but I think only so far.
Why do you feel at fault? This way of thinking is the realm of the alcoholic and the addict, and it will keep you MIRED in their world. REFUSE their world; create your own. Surround yourself with healthy thinking people and watch as the addict's world melts away. Have you seen the movie "What Dreams May Come?" If not, watch it to get an idea of what I am talking about. Alcoholism and addiction create a world that exists only to support and feed the addiction. And those who choose to remain close to the alcoholic or addict live in THEIR world. OUR world, our wants, our needs, our goals, our desires, our thoughts, etc all slowly become an unreality. If we let them. I believe that is what drives so many of us to feel like we are insane, going crazy, constantly hurt and feeling badly. And that is what Al-Anon and strongly maintaining our own lives help us to prevent.
IMO, there is no such thing as fault. Fault is something that is made up in your head, it's just a way of looking at things. If a tree falls on a house and injures a person living there, what good does it do to find fault? In our society, if we find fault we can determine who should PAY for the damage. And if they do not pay, we can sue them to try to make them pay. But beyond that, what good does fault play? You can blame whomever you want for the failure of a relationship but in the end, what does it get you? Blame myself so I feel bad about me? Blame the alcoholic so they feel bad about them? Maybe the person who accepts the blame will jump off a bridge to pay penance?
Anyway, that's my thinking about what you posted about. Please take what you like and leave the rest.
You ask about what is "normal" for a relationship. And to me, ALL of what we talk about is "normal," whether it is sick behavior or sick thinking, or not. The question for me is not about normalcy, but instead my focus is on what is healthy. And what I have learned (although I am not great in practice, YET) is that Interdependent relationships, which is what I think you are describing regarding communication and emotional engagement, are the healthiest. And IMO, you cannot have an Interdependent relationship with an alcoholic or addict. In Interdependent relationships, EACH person is strong, healthy, and balanced in their own life and they come together strong, healthy, and balanced, and share, relate, communicate, grow, etc. TOGETHER. They cooperate with one another and work together toward a shared goal. I've yet to meet an alcoholic or addict who is strong, healthy, or balanced. The relationships with As & As I've had and heard about are SEVERELY skewed. And ALWAYS toward the A's use of their DOC.
The second issue you talk about in your post sounds to me like Resentment. And if you Google "resentment alcoholism" or something like that, I am certain you will get plenty of information about it. The alcoholics and addicts I have known are the most resentful people I've ever met. They hold onto resentments for decades, if not their entire lives. It is the way they THINK. And the way one thinks determines how they relate to others. And until they let go of that way of thinking, they will not change.
Here are my answers to your questions.
With an A, when the other falters, does some or even most of "the issue" fall into an abyss, which Addiction stands guard over? Like some Bermuda Triangle, do some slights, mistakes and missteps disappear or barely register on the A's radar yet somehow eat the A from the inside?
Do As just stash this stuff, only to say later that it was our fault the relationship failed? Do they just fester with their wounds?
Do the As take our apologies and even lie when they say it's okay?
OR IS IT BROADER THAN THAT? Are As emotionally available? Are they at least withdrawn? Can they emotionally deal or relate?
Do As just bury, numb (yes, with their DOC), stuff or suppress events or emotions, temporarily, only to explode later - like a volcano - destroying themselves, their family members and their relationships?
Are they emotionally stunted, unable or unwilling to be in a realistic relationship?
Are they emotionally capable of a REAL one? A relationship with a mature adult, not some other unrecovered A or some emotional "child"?
Or is it only some As, some wounds, some apologies, some situations?
Am I at fault even though I apologized (as ones in normal couples do) and worked at the relationship on my end?
IMO, there is no such thing as fault. Fault is something that is made up in your head, it's just a way of looking at things. If a tree falls on a house and injures a person living there, what good does it do to find fault? In our society, if we find fault we can determine who should PAY for the damage. And if they do not pay, we can sue them to try to make them pay. But beyond that, what good does fault play? You can blame whomever you want for the failure of a relationship but in the end, what does it get you? Blame myself so I feel bad about me? Blame the alcoholic so they feel bad about them? Maybe the person who accepts the blame will jump off a bridge to pay penance?
Anyway, that's my thinking about what you posted about. Please take what you like and leave the rest.
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Thanks for your thoughtful and detailed response, Learn2Live! I think that in an Interdependent relationship (both "share, relate, communicate, grow, etc. TOGETHER"), couples can make mistakes, have weak moments, be sick ("for better or worse") and be off-balance sometimes yet get back on track. Unless, of course, the sickness is addiction.
What did I do? Who knows because her list is a moving target. I know what I did or did not do. I know that a healthy or "normal" couple would've worked through things.
What does she resent? I don't know if there's something else that she resents but hasn't told me about because she's not communicating (as usual). I don't know if there's some slight I might have forgotten or been clueless about.
I'll have to check out the movie! Looking forward to it.
I do feel that she should do penance. Make amends. Correct what can still be fixed. Do the right thing. Be contrite and mean it. Apologize. Empathize. Any of it. But no, who knows if that'll ever come. She's too wrapped up in her own world, and I don't matter one whit. I might as well get rid of the emotional tug under water from these feelings. Maybe there will never be real consequeces for her, or justice for the rest of us who were in this family.
What did I do? Who knows because her list is a moving target. I know what I did or did not do. I know that a healthy or "normal" couple would've worked through things.
What does she resent? I don't know if there's something else that she resents but hasn't told me about because she's not communicating (as usual). I don't know if there's some slight I might have forgotten or been clueless about.
I'll have to check out the movie! Looking forward to it.
I do feel that she should do penance. Make amends. Correct what can still be fixed. Do the right thing. Be contrite and mean it. Apologize. Empathize. Any of it. But no, who knows if that'll ever come. She's too wrapped up in her own world, and I don't matter one whit. I might as well get rid of the emotional tug under water from these feelings. Maybe there will never be real consequeces for her, or justice for the rest of us who were in this family.
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Originally Posted by Titanic
Am I at fault even though I apologized (as ones in normal couples do) and worked at the relationship on my end?
We are all human; we make mistakes, communicate badly, or otherwise act inappropriately sometimes. In a healthy relationship, this is ok, and expected.
Stable and emotionally available people can forgive and oftentimes, forget too. Or at least leave it in the past where it belongs.
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When I spend a lot of time delving into the theories and whys about things, I know that I'm trying to hold something at arm's length that's very painful for me. It is as if I think that by understanding, I could remove the pain. That if only I could understand how and why my AXH behaved the way he did (and does), I could shrug my shoulders and go, "Oh -- OK. I get it. Alrighty then. No need to feel hurt."
I have a need to understand. But sometimes, I've found, for me, it's more effective to just let things go. Let them be what they are. Allow myself to feel the pain. And then move on.
I'm not saying this is what anyone else is doing. But I have a tendency to theorize and analyze to avoid feeling.
I have a need to understand. But sometimes, I've found, for me, it's more effective to just let things go. Let them be what they are. Allow myself to feel the pain. And then move on.
I'm not saying this is what anyone else is doing. But I have a tendency to theorize and analyze to avoid feeling.
Iceberg Ahead!
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Yes, lillamy , there is some "If I only understood it better, I might learn that it was all or mostly the disease or her, and not me."
But there's also some "Where was the wrong turn?"
Some "How can I make the best of it for the kids and me, given her possibly being in 'early recovery?'" Yes, she's lied about being sober and working her program before.
Some "How can I keep this from happening again with anyone else?"
, there is some "If I only understood it better, I might learn that it was all or mostly the disease or her, and not me."But there's also some "Where was the wrong turn?"
Some "How can I make the best of it for the kids and me, given her possibly being in 'early recovery?'" Yes, she's lied about being sober and working her program before.
Some "How can I keep this from happening again with anyone else?"
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The maddening thing is - a lot of it won't make sense, because its irrational.
Not a week goes by without the "why's" bubbling up from my little hurt subconscious.
But lillamy is right in that it doesn't matter why. It just is.
I really hate that statement sometimes.
Not a week goes by without the "why's" bubbling up from my little hurt subconscious.
But lillamy is right in that it doesn't matter why. It just is.
I really hate that statement sometimes.
Iceberg Ahead!
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl
The maddening thing is - a lot of it won't make sense, because its irrational.
Not a week goes by without the "why's" bubbling up from my little hurt subconscious.
But lillamy is right in that it doesn't matter why. It just is.
I really hate that statement sometimes.
Not a week goes by without the "why's" bubbling up from my little hurt subconscious.
But lillamy is right in that it doesn't matter why. It just is.
I really hate that statement sometimes.
P.S. or my hurt conscious!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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Originally Posted by lillamy
When I spend a lot of time delving into the theories and whys about things, I know that I'm trying to hold something at arm's length that's very painful for me. It is as if I think that by understanding, I could remove the pain. That if only I could understand how and why my AXH behaved the way he did (and does), I could shrug my shoulders and go, "Oh -- OK. I get it. Alrighty then. No need to feel hurt."
I have a need to understand. But sometimes, I've found, for me, it's more effective to just let things go. Let them be what they are. Allow myself to feel the pain. And then move on.
I'm not saying this is what anyone else is doing. But I have a tendency to theorize and analyze to avoid feeling.
I have a need to understand. But sometimes, I've found, for me, it's more effective to just let things go. Let them be what they are. Allow myself to feel the pain. And then move on.
I'm not saying this is what anyone else is doing. But I have a tendency to theorize and analyze to avoid feeling.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl
In a healthy relationship, things are forgiven and moved on from...not tucked away for later use when p'd off. No one keeps score. There aren't the "yeah but you" conversations.
We are all human; we make mistakes, communicate badly, or otherwise act inappropriately sometimes. In a healthy relationship, this is ok, and expected.
Stable and emotionally available people can forgive and oftentimes, forget too. Or at least leave it in the past where it belongs.
We are all human; we make mistakes, communicate badly, or otherwise act inappropriately sometimes. In a healthy relationship, this is ok, and expected.
Stable and emotionally available people can forgive and oftentimes, forget too. Or at least leave it in the past where it belongs.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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Thank you for this thread Titanic...I'm going through the same exact feelings. I especially agree with this statement "She's too wrapped up in her own world, and I don't matter one whit." As much as I would like to try and reason with her, I know that there's no use. She's not listening, and if she is, she doesn't care.
My wife went to rehab and the first half of rehab she was missing me and making plans with me for when she got out. Then, the last 10 days, no more calling me or wanting to live with me. Somehow I got all the blame for what happened, and I don't even know for what because there's NO COMMUNICATION! Now I'm left with trying to stay afloat financially and emotionally without her while she's living with her dad without any responsibility or empathy for all the stress and pain I've been going through for her.
Anyway, I'm trying to get through the pain while still hoping for her to come around. But at the same time, I'm hoping to move forward and be content with the very real possibility that it's over (even though she finally appears to be healthy again, despite the fact that she's still exhibiting those addictive behaviors: selfishness, resentment, poor communication and self-destructive).
Glad I found this forum, it helps.
My wife went to rehab and the first half of rehab she was missing me and making plans with me for when she got out. Then, the last 10 days, no more calling me or wanting to live with me. Somehow I got all the blame for what happened, and I don't even know for what because there's NO COMMUNICATION! Now I'm left with trying to stay afloat financially and emotionally without her while she's living with her dad without any responsibility or empathy for all the stress and pain I've been going through for her.
Anyway, I'm trying to get through the pain while still hoping for her to come around. But at the same time, I'm hoping to move forward and be content with the very real possibility that it's over (even though she finally appears to be healthy again, despite the fact that she's still exhibiting those addictive behaviors: selfishness, resentment, poor communication and self-destructive).
Glad I found this forum, it helps.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl
Stable and emotionally available people can forgive and oftentimes, forget too. Or at least leave it in the past where it belongs.
I can't because his addictions and behaviour toward me have turned me into an unstable and emotionally unavailable to anyone except my children type of person.
His addictions have caused most every single f*ck up in my family's life. I can't forgive or forget: every job he has lost, every Xmas morning he was too hungover to be with the kids, every DUI he has got, every car he has crashed, every lie he has told, the time when he was unemployed and he managed to rack up a phone bill of $700++ calling sex phone lines while I was at work, and on and on and on the list goes.
Without him here I am learning what a "quiet evening at home" feels like.
I don't have to listen to him shouting at the TV then shouting at me: "Well? WELL? Don't you agree with me? That's ********! You women are all the same."
Sorry. I'm done now. Carry on.
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I know this probably won't make anyone feel better but I'm a recovering A having a relationship with another recovering A and we have 50 years between us of sobriety. Even with all those years, all that work it doesn't make relationships any easier,saner,emotionally available. All that crap is still there it's almost like ingrained learned behaviour and unless one is really aware of it and really wants to deal with it it's there. I don't know if it's because those are universal traits from being ACOA's on top of it, I don't know.
Earthworm
Earthworm
Originally Posted by Titanic
In another thread, "Who TF am I dealing with?", I threw this question out along the way:
Learn2Live asked me to clarify so, what I was trying to put my finger on is this. In a "normal" relationship, two people love each other. When one falters, which is inevitable, they talk about and resolve it, or not but then it's clearly "there" between them to be resolved. They're BOTH over it or not. They are emotionally engaged.
With an A, when the other falters, does some or even most of "the issue" fall into an abyss, which Addiction stands guard over? Like some Bermuda Triangle, do some slights, mistakes and missteps disappear or barely register on the A's radar yet somehow eat the A from the inside?
Do As just stash this stuff, only to say later that it was our fault the relationship failed? Do they just fester with their wounds?
Do the As take our apologies and even lie when they say it's okay?
OR IS IT BROADER THAN THAT? Are As emotionally available? Are they at least withdrawn? Can they emotionally deal or relate?
Do As just bury, numb (yes, with their DOC), stuff or suppress events or emotions, temporarily, only to explode later - like a volcano - destroying themselves, their family members and their relationships?
Are they emotionally stunted, unable or unwilling to be in a realistic relationship? Are they emotionally capable of a REAL one? A relationship with a mature adult, not some other unrecovered A or some emotional "child"?
Or is it only some As, some wounds, some apologies, some situations?
Am I at fault even though I apologized (as ones in normal couples do) and worked at the relationship on my end?
Learn2Live asked me to clarify so, what I was trying to put my finger on is this. In a "normal" relationship, two people love each other. When one falters, which is inevitable, they talk about and resolve it, or not but then it's clearly "there" between them to be resolved. They're BOTH over it or not. They are emotionally engaged.
With an A, when the other falters, does some or even most of "the issue" fall into an abyss, which Addiction stands guard over? Like some Bermuda Triangle, do some slights, mistakes and missteps disappear or barely register on the A's radar yet somehow eat the A from the inside?
Do As just stash this stuff, only to say later that it was our fault the relationship failed? Do they just fester with their wounds?
Do the As take our apologies and even lie when they say it's okay?
OR IS IT BROADER THAN THAT? Are As emotionally available? Are they at least withdrawn? Can they emotionally deal or relate?
Do As just bury, numb (yes, with their DOC), stuff or suppress events or emotions, temporarily, only to explode later - like a volcano - destroying themselves, their family members and their relationships?
Are they emotionally stunted, unable or unwilling to be in a realistic relationship? Are they emotionally capable of a REAL one? A relationship with a mature adult, not some other unrecovered A or some emotional "child"?
Or is it only some As, some wounds, some apologies, some situations?
Am I at fault even though I apologized (as ones in normal couples do) and worked at the relationship on my end?
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by Lulu39
(vent from me follows)
I can't because his addictions and behaviour toward me have turned me into an unstable and emotionally unavailable to anyone except my children type of person.
His addictions have caused most every single f*ck up in my family's life. I can't forgive or forget: every job he has lost, every Xmas morning he was too hungover to be with the kids, every DUI he has got, every car he has crashed, every lie he has told, the time when he was unemployed and he managed to rack up a phone bill of $700++ calling sex phone lines while I was at work, and on and on and on the list goes.
Without him here I am learning what a "quiet evening at home" feels like.
I don't have to listen to him shouting at the TV then shouting at me: "Well? WELL? Don't you agree with me? That's ********! You women are all the same."
Sorry. I'm done now. Carry on.
I can't because his addictions and behaviour toward me have turned me into an unstable and emotionally unavailable to anyone except my children type of person.
His addictions have caused most every single f*ck up in my family's life. I can't forgive or forget: every job he has lost, every Xmas morning he was too hungover to be with the kids, every DUI he has got, every car he has crashed, every lie he has told, the time when he was unemployed and he managed to rack up a phone bill of $700++ calling sex phone lines while I was at work, and on and on and on the list goes.
Without him here I am learning what a "quiet evening at home" feels like.
I don't have to listen to him shouting at the TV then shouting at me: "Well? WELL? Don't you agree with me? That's ********! You women are all the same."
Sorry. I'm done now. Carry on.
Give it time LuLu. Soon, you and the kids will find your new normal.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 32
Originally Posted by Katiekate
We are not having relationships with our loved ones, we are having relationships with their addcition, their addcition is impossible to relate to, everything that crosses it's path is a threat to alcohlism.
No they are not emotionally available, no they are not capable of having healthy relationships, they are sick, wounded, manipulative, addiction is cruel.
Trying to make sense of, or befriend addcition is an excercise is futility. When you talk to an alcoholic you are wasiting your time, alcoholism hears what it wants to hear, it twists every thing you say, every action you take, and there is no capacity for the addited brain to take responsibility for it's actions. It's you and only you, who are responsible for disharmony in the relationship.
The addict is a master at pulling transgressions for the past and throwing them in your face to keep you off balance, to strip you of your self esteem, to blame you for everything that ever went wrong in the world and confuse you to the point of uncle. You can not reason with an addict, nor can you discuss any issue that pushes against addictive thinking.
I used to try to figure out WHAT JUST HAPPENED, what just happened always ended up that I , once again, engaged with my axbf, and I got exactly what I always got in the past, blind sided, blamed, put down, brought to my knees once again. I stopped trying to figure it all out, and just began my own journey to healing. No they are not emotionally capable or available, their brain is toxic.
No they are not emotionally available, no they are not capable of having healthy relationships, they are sick, wounded, manipulative, addiction is cruel.
Trying to make sense of, or befriend addcition is an excercise is futility. When you talk to an alcoholic you are wasiting your time, alcoholism hears what it wants to hear, it twists every thing you say, every action you take, and there is no capacity for the addited brain to take responsibility for it's actions. It's you and only you, who are responsible for disharmony in the relationship.
The addict is a master at pulling transgressions for the past and throwing them in your face to keep you off balance, to strip you of your self esteem, to blame you for everything that ever went wrong in the world and confuse you to the point of uncle. You can not reason with an addict, nor can you discuss any issue that pushes against addictive thinking.
I used to try to figure out WHAT JUST HAPPENED, what just happened always ended up that I , once again, engaged with my axbf, and I got exactly what I always got in the past, blind sided, blamed, put down, brought to my knees once again. I stopped trying to figure it all out, and just began my own journey to healing. No they are not emotionally capable or available, their brain is toxic.
As trite as it sounds, how can people who don't love themselves, love anyone else?
The focus has to be on healing and nurturing ourselves and, as L2L says, choosing to be healthy.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
All of this make's me love my "Blow Up" dolly man - even more today!!!!!!!!
Bwhahahahaaaawahahha - Thanks, I needed this :rotfxko
Alot of good word's, pointer's and tip's on relationship's though..
>Gotta admit that one!
Bwhahahahaaaawahahha - Thanks, I needed this :rotfxko
Alot of good word's, pointer's and tip's on relationship's though..
>Gotta admit that one!
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