lilly54

This may be very wrong. But has anyone ever felt this way? He is on such a rollercoast ride with everyone and everything. I really don't want him to start drinking again but sometimes I cant handle him and his extreme mood changes, I am alway to cause some how, even if I am not here.

lilly54

My husband has 60 days sober. this is his 4th attempt at recovery. his longest was 2 years. We have only been married 2 1/2 years and it has been something else. We have went from very successful jobs and building a new home to him losing is job, me losing mine and having to sell everything move to my family home all in 1 1*2 yrs

Gabe

Spicoli went through rehab twice while we were still together. The weeks after he came out were really rugged. Unfortunately, removing the alcohol from the equation is not the magic wand we all hope it will be. It's just the first step.
I never actually wished he was drinking again. His brother did though.
Hang in there lilly.
Peace,
Gabe

lilly54

Thanks Gabe,
With the alcohol gone it opens up everything else he has used the alcohol to hide, cover-up or just plain stuff into the dark recesses of him self. I see him not wanting to deal with all the pain and hurt but not having his drink to shield him has caused him to shut down but only with me, I find it harder this time to deal with him . although I love him very much and want him to get healthy I hate being shut out, yes it is being co-dependent and I am trying to get a handle on it, it is just very hard

Gabe

It's very hard to feel shut-out by someone you love. And it's hard to watch someone you love go through something difficult. I suffer from "Magic Wand Syndrome". When people that I love are going through something difficult, I want to wave my magic wand and make it all better.
I have dealt with this in three positive ways:
1) I purchased a real magic wand. It is way cool. When you press a button, the star at the top lights up and it makes this wonderful magical/jingly noise. Armed with this wand, I wave it over loved ones, or at the world in general whenever the mood strikes me. I wave it over myself too, when I need a little magic.
2) I light candles to remind me that there is still light in the world, no matter how dark it seems.
3) I pray. And I'm so glad that I still believe in the power of prayer.
Peace,
Gabe

journeygal

Hi Lilly,

When my husband went into recovery, he was depressed and withdrawn for about 4 months. It was hard and it sucked and I didn't know what to say to him or do. At the time I was still of the mindset that I could help him or fix him, so dealing with him was very difficult.

It got better for few months, but then he had a slip and I pretty much went off the deep end. After that I started working on my own recovery and stopped focusing on his.

We don't have to own their misery, their drama, or their happiness for that matter. I know it feels like he's shutting you out, but he's trying to live life sober, and that's not an easy thing to do, especially if he's dealing with a lot of guilt and regret.

Find ways to take care of yourself. Call a friend, read a good book, get a manicure, anything to make you feel good and get your mind off of him. Eventually he'll come around, he just needs some time.

Hugs,
JG

lilly54

JG, I know what your saying is right, but last night he informed me that he doesnt want to be married and the only reason he is still here is because his councelor and sponsor said he cant leave or make any changes for the first year,, how should I take this? he says that he loves me , but is emotionally void , doesnt want to work on a marriage he doesnt think he should be in and that even though I have lost everything because of his drinking that I need to find a new job because if he decides to leave anyway I will be on my own and he wont help with anything,,now does that sound like someone who is practicing sound soberity?

journeygal

((((((Lilly))))))

Wow, that really sucks. What I do know is getting or expecting them to be able to work on their marriage, financial problems, or anything else during early recovery is almost a waste of time. He is emotionally incapable of dealing with anything right now other than trying to stay sober. He may want the marriage to end, maybe not.

What do you want? I know you love him and you guys have been through a lot together. But I would have a hard time staying with someone who said he didn't want to be married to me anymore, early recovery or not. I would be pissed, hurt, angry, and confused, but I would leave. I'm not saying you should, but if he's telling you to prepare for a life without him, then maybe that's something you should consider. He's not in control here and he doesn't have to keep jerking your chain every day. Chances are he'll be singing a different tune tomorrow, but you don't have to buy into the BS. Decide the life you want - is this it? If not, then take control and decide for yourself how this is going to turn out.

You deserve peace and happiness - never forget that.

Hugs,
JG

Daffodil

(((((Lily)))))

I have to agree with Journey on this one...You say neither of you have a job and you've lost everything, all that is very sad but you desereve better than living like this...You getting a job will help to bring back you self worth and diginity....It is amazing what a pay check can do for our own self-worth...I believe it is especially important for those of us who live with the family disease of alcoholism to be self supporting by our own means...I am not suggesting that the A.s not work and carry their own weight but I do believe that I should be prepared to support myself if the unthinkable happens and the A. has a slip....I also believe I need to have my own emergancy fund or bank account so that I never have to depend totally on someone else's goodwill....I am sure all this sounds harsh but coming from where I've been It makes sense to me...

I believe at some point I have to take someone at their own
words.....even if I don't think they really mean it....I can't put my life on hold til they make up their minds....If they don't mean it they shouldn't say it...not should I for that matter...the point is, whether he means it or not you need to decide where you want your life to go and then make a plan to get it...Keep the focus on you and you will find a wonderful person.

Love and prayers from one who cares,
Daffodil

myles1

Hi,

I agree, get out and get yourself a job. That's part of taking care of YOU!!!!!

Is it worth it to be on this downward spiral with him? There are more legitimate reasons for losing things and active alcoholism ISN'T one of them.

Ngaire

lilly54

thanks everyone for your sound advice, I am looking for a new job but as far as leaving, well this is my home not his (converted building on my family homestead).
And JG is right he is singing a new tune this afternoon but I can't do the yo-yo dance anymore, or having the feeling of panic 24/7. I need to be healthly, but I am finding it very hard right now. I do have separtate accounts (although almost empty) I just need to go to meetings and stay on the right road for me. As far as what I want, I want my life back and I guess only I can do that. Thanks again everyone and please keep talking to me , it helps..

Lilly

tootiredmom

yes!!!!! I said this to a friend just today. I told a friend it was easier when he was drinking and not around than it is now when he goes through panic attacks and thinks I am leaving or punishing him or sleeping around or whatever. He went through a period where he stalked me and called me four or five times a day at work and if I wasn't back to work by 1:00 he drove around looking for me. I am a professional and I can't have my husband, shaking and not making sense, interupt meetings and phone calls and it is exhausing. It just happened again last night. I was talking with a city commissioner and he called paniced, where was I, and so I rushed home. It was easier when he just drank and came home from work, ate and then went to sleep and ignored us all.

McKrazy

one of the few things I've decided is to trust that waiting has never hurt me as much as rushing a decision based on feelings of the day. You can always decide to leave, but maybe right now, you've been "given a year" to not have to focus on anyone but you. You can still do that while together. You don't have to make grand gestures, but small choices everyday. And then maybe you will hear that small voice inside (God, to me) that lets you know when/if leaving is the best choice and in the right timing. And I've only recently realized that saying nothing sometimes just means I don't have to apologize for statements meant to hurt or retaliate. I'm learning the power of taming my tongue and holding back when it's something that's not productive or important. I pray for peace for you and for strength, and for ears to hear what's best for you and when you need to move or stay still. We are all here for you and want your best whatever you decide. (((((((hugs)))))))