A plan I can live with
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
Originally Posted by fourmaggie 
you have MEN meetings....? sweet...
we dont have that around here...Ladies AA meeting only, but no Al ANON...*got me thinking now....
*
we dont have that around here...Ladies AA meeting only, but no Al ANON...*got me thinking now....
*Just a good rule for life, never turn to an opposite sex friend for comfort when your sig other is breaking your heart. That would be kinda like wearing gasoline soaked clothes to a bonfire.... could turn out fine but, yeesh.
Big group mixed? great. But I want a small circle of solid guys who are further down this path when it comes time to let it all spew out like I did last night.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
You get it...
...and by that I mean your attitude, focus, and direction. What a great, great start towards serenity, peace, and happiness. As you go along remember the goal is progress, not perfection.
Have a great weekend.
C-
Have a great weekend.
C-
Originally Posted by PohsFriend
Been a long week and a long day but a good one.
I have reallllly wasted a lot of energy being stupid lately. Spent a long time apologizing to wife tonight for that.
Men's al-anon meeting was super. When I had my turn to talk I got pretty choked up and the tears let loose for a bit but that was good for me.
I know the road ahead is a long one, I'm just so much more relaxed now that I realize that all I can do is focus on my recovery which began when she lapsed. We've been playing tug of war and it is time to drop the rope, I'm tired. Letting go is helping.
She may never lapse again, she probably will and the only thing worrying about it will do is make me into the unhappy ***** who makes her feel worse and more stressed... Thus more likely to drink.
It's like a lightbulb went off. I don't have to solve this and couldn't if I tried so screw it. I'm dealing with what DID happen and not what might happen or what could have happened. Alanon will help me, I need it as much as she needs Aa and we share what we are learning since we have been learning about this disease together since she first started coming apart two years ago.
I get it now, going to her open meetings was good but Aa is for them, alanon is for my sanity. Now I know where to focus, on making MYSELF sane, healthy and rational and most of all happy again. That way I can enjoy loving the woman I adore instead of drowning in fear of what might happen.
Funny... That lapse is looking like good luck now. It woke us both up and pulled us closer together. While we each have out own path to recovery I am very blessed. Today was a good day, tomorrow is another day and it will be another good day or it won't, the odds of it being a good one go down the more I worry about it.
I have reallllly wasted a lot of energy being stupid lately. Spent a long time apologizing to wife tonight for that.
Men's al-anon meeting was super. When I had my turn to talk I got pretty choked up and the tears let loose for a bit but that was good for me.
I know the road ahead is a long one, I'm just so much more relaxed now that I realize that all I can do is focus on my recovery which began when she lapsed. We've been playing tug of war and it is time to drop the rope, I'm tired. Letting go is helping.
She may never lapse again, she probably will and the only thing worrying about it will do is make me into the unhappy ***** who makes her feel worse and more stressed... Thus more likely to drink.
It's like a lightbulb went off. I don't have to solve this and couldn't if I tried so screw it. I'm dealing with what DID happen and not what might happen or what could have happened. Alanon will help me, I need it as much as she needs Aa and we share what we are learning since we have been learning about this disease together since she first started coming apart two years ago.
I get it now, going to her open meetings was good but Aa is for them, alanon is for my sanity. Now I know where to focus, on making MYSELF sane, healthy and rational and most of all happy again. That way I can enjoy loving the woman I adore instead of drowning in fear of what might happen.
Funny... That lapse is looking like good luck now. It woke us both up and pulled us closer together. While we each have out own path to recovery I am very blessed. Today was a good day, tomorrow is another day and it will be another good day or it won't, the odds of it being a good one go down the more I worry about it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
Originally Posted by Cyranoak
...and by that I mean your attitude, focus, and direction. What a great, great start towards serenity, peace, and happiness. As you go along remember the goal is progress, not perfection.
Have a great weekend.
C-
Have a great weekend.
C-
Another good day today, time to go have her lay her hea on my shoulder for an hour while I feel my son kick. Every day, good or bad, ends like that.
Hell of a motivator.
aboutdone
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midwest
Posts: 191
First off, I am so sorry you are dealing with this.
As others have said, the answer is clear after the baby is born. I do like the rehab idea, but ultimately its Wifes decision. I personally left my AH and then stood beside him during rehab and recovery. It was hard for us, because it is very difficult to find a marriage counselor for an alcoholic and someone drove crazy by being a codie for the alcoholic. LOL. We made it through though and RAH has 3 years of sobriety. We actually got divorced through it all but are now living as if we are still married. Odd to some, for us its perfect.
MY AH went on a binge 2 weeks before I was due with out daughter. It was a horrible situation and one I wouldn't want anyone to go through.
I understand your desire to stay, and make things right. I understand your standpoint of protecting your unborn child. Unfortunately its not up to you. I am not all about a woman has the right to decide, I'm not a huge supporter or womens rights when it comes to children, but I also know the legal aspect of it.
Boundaries are just that. Boundaries to protect you, and at this point your trying to put them to protect your unborn. I get it. Don't think its going to work.
You can't force her to do anything, even if she is stating the fact that she wants to agree to all these things. Its not your job.
I would at this point be lining up and getting my ducks in a row. I would be speaking with an attorney. I would be speaking to the DR. I would have everything documented as much as possible. If your wife is truly on board, she won't be upset about this at all. If she is being deceitful about anything, this will serioulsy upset her.....
When I divorced my AH I sought full and sole custody of our newborn child. At the time the divorce was signed off through the courts, RAH had been through 28 days of rehab, and had around 3 months of sobriety. He was upset about me going for sole custody, and at this time we were pretty much back together. How I explained it was this. I don't ever want to be in a position someday that our daughter will be with you, and you will make the choice to drink and have other alcoholics around her, and I will be in a position that I have to wait for the courts to decide what is best for our daughter. I simply want the ability to protect her to the fullest. He agreed that was best. Even though he plans to never drink again that is something that is put in place to protect our daughter. Its not a consequence. Its not a punishment. Its not you can't see your daughter. Its simply if you drink, she isn't going to be around it.
As I said, we now live together, and our daughter is a daddys girl. She goes and does everything with her Dad. I wouldn't dream of taking her away from him ever. Even if he made the choice to drink again, I wouldn't cut that bond. I simply would make sure she wasn't around the drinking side of it.
Make boundaries for you. Make boundaries for the children. Maybe set up some documentation to help you in the future if you ever need to be the single parent.
We take one day at a time. Its been very hard work. We both know RAH may drink someday and if he does, we both know the outcome, so we don't spend time dwelling on it.
I think having a relationship with an RA is different than other relationships, but there are some key factors involved. Trust, communication, respect. You wouldn't want to be followed around like a child, and I am sure she doesn't either. I don't think whipping out a breathalyzer would help recovery at all. I don't think following up with her sponsor is good either.
The alcoholic has to commit to sobriety first and everything else comes second. Her sponsor isn't supposed to tell you things, and if the sponsor is, I would question the integrity of that sponsor. My RAH needs a place to go, free of me, where he feels comfortable in his skin, and AA and a sponsor are those places. He needs to be able to go talk about all the things in his life that make him mad, and his triggers. Honestly I am sure some of those days, I myself am the one that makes him mad, or pushes a few triggers. You know?
Your in a tough situation, and I feel for you. Hopefully this all goes smooth for you, with little to small obstacles to cross.
As others have said, the answer is clear after the baby is born. I do like the rehab idea, but ultimately its Wifes decision. I personally left my AH and then stood beside him during rehab and recovery. It was hard for us, because it is very difficult to find a marriage counselor for an alcoholic and someone drove crazy by being a codie for the alcoholic. LOL. We made it through though and RAH has 3 years of sobriety. We actually got divorced through it all but are now living as if we are still married. Odd to some, for us its perfect.
MY AH went on a binge 2 weeks before I was due with out daughter. It was a horrible situation and one I wouldn't want anyone to go through.
I understand your desire to stay, and make things right. I understand your standpoint of protecting your unborn child. Unfortunately its not up to you. I am not all about a woman has the right to decide, I'm not a huge supporter or womens rights when it comes to children, but I also know the legal aspect of it.
Boundaries are just that. Boundaries to protect you, and at this point your trying to put them to protect your unborn. I get it. Don't think its going to work.
You can't force her to do anything, even if she is stating the fact that she wants to agree to all these things. Its not your job.
I would at this point be lining up and getting my ducks in a row. I would be speaking with an attorney. I would be speaking to the DR. I would have everything documented as much as possible. If your wife is truly on board, she won't be upset about this at all. If she is being deceitful about anything, this will serioulsy upset her.....
When I divorced my AH I sought full and sole custody of our newborn child. At the time the divorce was signed off through the courts, RAH had been through 28 days of rehab, and had around 3 months of sobriety. He was upset about me going for sole custody, and at this time we were pretty much back together. How I explained it was this. I don't ever want to be in a position someday that our daughter will be with you, and you will make the choice to drink and have other alcoholics around her, and I will be in a position that I have to wait for the courts to decide what is best for our daughter. I simply want the ability to protect her to the fullest. He agreed that was best. Even though he plans to never drink again that is something that is put in place to protect our daughter. Its not a consequence. Its not a punishment. Its not you can't see your daughter. Its simply if you drink, she isn't going to be around it.
As I said, we now live together, and our daughter is a daddys girl. She goes and does everything with her Dad. I wouldn't dream of taking her away from him ever. Even if he made the choice to drink again, I wouldn't cut that bond. I simply would make sure she wasn't around the drinking side of it.
Make boundaries for you. Make boundaries for the children. Maybe set up some documentation to help you in the future if you ever need to be the single parent.
We take one day at a time. Its been very hard work. We both know RAH may drink someday and if he does, we both know the outcome, so we don't spend time dwelling on it.
I think having a relationship with an RA is different than other relationships, but there are some key factors involved. Trust, communication, respect. You wouldn't want to be followed around like a child, and I am sure she doesn't either. I don't think whipping out a breathalyzer would help recovery at all. I don't think following up with her sponsor is good either.
The alcoholic has to commit to sobriety first and everything else comes second. Her sponsor isn't supposed to tell you things, and if the sponsor is, I would question the integrity of that sponsor. My RAH needs a place to go, free of me, where he feels comfortable in his skin, and AA and a sponsor are those places. He needs to be able to go talk about all the things in his life that make him mad, and his triggers. Honestly I am sure some of those days, I myself am the one that makes him mad, or pushes a few triggers. You know?
Your in a tough situation, and I feel for you. Hopefully this all goes smooth for you, with little to small obstacles to cross.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
