lillamy

Oh, and I don't know if this helps, but you're not alone.
My best friend from childhood dated an alcoholic. She broke up with him and told him she couldn't date him unless he was sober. He sobered up, went to AA, the whole shebang. They got married. And on the plane to Mexico for their honeymoon, he had the first drink. He was plastered the entire two weeks. They came home and she went straight from the airport and filed for divorce.

So it's no reflection of anything you've done or neglected to do, the fact that your wife chose to drink again. Whatever her excuses are, that's what they are: EXCUSES.

SoaringSpirits

My adopted brother has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. His birth mother drank all through her pregnancy; it's why he was taken away from her. He is 50 years old now and has struggled all his life from the effects of FAS.

If she's drinking and hiding it at 7 months pregnant, you can bet she was doing the same earlier in her pregnancy, when drinking has the most profound effect (first trimester is a doozy) on the fetus.

You have to do whatever it takes to keep her sober through the rest of the pregnancy and protect this baby from any further harm. And read up on FAS. And find out your legal rights. What a mess!

NWGRITS

I've read through your conversations with her today, and all I see is "Quack, quack, quack." She's trying to shift blame onto YOU for this, and you did absolutely nothing wrong. Protect your baby at all costs. I'm going to agree that this probably isn't the first time she's been drinking this pregnancy. I'm 8 months along with my third baby, and when I feel her kicking I just thank God that I am able to be a better mother than so many of these babies have. I'm far from perfect, but the health of my child takes precedence over anything else. Take your son and go, and please don't ever have more children with this woman. It's not worth the risks.

Amber23

my heart goes out to you. I cannot imagine how powerless you feel, I know how angry and conflicted I feel with AH. This is beyond that level. The sense of powerlessness over the health of your unborn baby.

have you considered buying one of those personal breathalyzer things? I don't believe they are expensive and they are tiny to fit in your pocket.

Of course that wouldn't solve things, but might help in some sense......with your anxiety and not knowing what to believe.

Of course there are the usual issues behind all this. Codependency, etcetc....but having a child is scary enough without all these concerns! I second talking to her OB/gyn if that is even possible....

hugs

djayr

Hello friend, your posts are devasting. You should come on here and let it all out. Your AW could be my AW's twin sister but we never got pregnant. Hiding the water/vodka bottle, unwilling and unable to share why, full of baloney, needy needy NEEDY for love and affirmation even in the midst of horrible transgressions, inability to empathize with your feelings, and turning the table on you (as if you are doing something wrong) -- you must be going insane!!

We don't talk a whole lot about higher powers on this board, but it's big time higher power time. I am going to pray for you, your AW, and your baby.

You have every right to the feelings you are having, especially the unbridled fear for your baby and future, frustration, anger, heartbreak, sadness, the whole thing. She is trying to minimize it, but she has SO MUCH to prove at this point. You cannot trust her. I like the breathalyzer idea personally. Unfortunately trust = denial on your part, and you have too much responsibility as a father to play games...fortunately you know all of this.

I have had good results with this breathalyzer: Amazon Link to Breathalyzer

She reminds me so much of AW, unfortunately once she cracks that vodka bottle it's off to the races every single day -- with only 2 months to go and a baby riding on it, what else are you supposed to do for peace of mind and protection? Her "feelings" are going to have to take a back seat for 60 days.

You are being very strong and smart, give yourself some credit! Stay calm, breathe, and try not to lose your temper. I know it's hard.

I'm not an expert on any of this stuff, take what you like and leave the rest, but I feel like you are living some kind a parallel life as mine (with a pregnancy thrown in). You are going to be a great father to this this boy and all this will be worth it when you meet him in 2 short months. God bless and all best...

changeschoices

I would not call her sponsor, I would call child protective services and report her. That is nuts! She could kill the baby by bingeing.

Time to get your ducks in a row because she is incapable of caring for the baby after he's born.

I am really sorry you are going through this but this is no time to analyze her alcoholic lies. Report her immediately and save your child!

changeschoices

P.S. I am a mother and I wouldn't even drink a diet Coke when I was pregnant with my children! Also, I know someone with fetal alcohol syndrome and he is a severely mentally delayed adult. You do not want to have a child with FAS; you could end up with a child who needs daily assistance with living for the rest of his life. That is no quality of life for a child or for you. Save your son and yourself!

jessd

Bless you for having a heart. I hope you know that she is sick and not thinking clearly. my thoughts and prayers are with u in this time of need hugs to u

PohsFriend

Not a good night.

I sent her an email and in it I told her very clearly that I love her and am terrified and that I don't trust her or believe her when Alcohol is involved. What she sent back blew me away. We argued loudly tonight. She says I hate her - not that I said or wrote that but I am constantly critical and picking at everything she does and keeping a list ....
the thing is that for the past few weeks she has broken several promises and has acted in ways that are reminiscent of her drinking days. It was just a year ago that she was in the hospital after a seizure and congestive heart failure when she tried to quit on her own after losing her job. A week before that I came home to find her unconscious and she had lost control of ...well you have been there.
Then there were the arguments when I begged and pleaded with her to get help until I finally could not deal with it - it was destroying me and we had a big fight when I found the hidden bottles in a drawer and she was plastered. She tossed a bottle at my head and was screaming at me and refused to let me take her to a hospital so I took her to her family and she was furious. To this day she says I abandoned her and has never acknowledged or understood... or maybe just admitted that it is too much to ask anyone to do that. I was trying to keep her out of withdrawal by 'hiding' portions around the house so she could have a drink every few hours but not all at once so I could work, it was insanity.

But... she cobered up. I knew her before the drinking got crazy and I've known her since. I sound like I am dumping on her because I am venting right now but I love her very much. She can be the kindest and most loving person you ever met and she has awesome good qualities.

I can't afford to trust her if she is willing to go buy a bottle and hide what she did not drink, the stakes are way too big right now. I do believe it was the first lapse but I can't know that. I begged her to come clean if there was more because I NEED TO KNOW. I told her I am committed to making this work and will give 100% but I need her to do the same. I need her to keep her promises and I need her to be honest with me. I also told her that I scared and that my confidence in our future is really shaken by this. We were in a resort town, alcohol was everywhere, I get it.... but I don't get that she did not call me or her sponsor because after 8 months of sobriety and 100s of meetings she knows that one sip could kill her and she is pregnant - very pregnant. I can't wrap my head around how she could buy it, go back to the hotel. put some in a cup, the rest in a bottle, hide the water bottle, then go have the drink.... that took time, that took planning. That I am now suspicious and asking a lot of 'mean' questions is not so mean.

Here is what she sent me, cleansed of some details like names.... I am not ready to throw in the towel but I am scared to death that if I don't stand very firm it could kill her and my son and I already learned my lesson once about enabling. I am not going to do that again. Her reply to me seems completely unfair.

I also might be too suspicious and not letting the small things go like she claims but I am seeing a pattern that is building so I pointed out several broken promises and impulsive behavior because it scares the **** out of me. She says it is because I think she is awful and I hate her.... ok, enough ranting. Here is what she sent back. I replied but she refused to read it and said she was going to her meeting, alone, and I should go to al-anon because she can't handle her problem and mine, I just need to go get help dealing with my feelings and stop picking on her. Objective opinions welcome, especially if they are constructive (building our marriage and trust) without being too soft... I am looking to find a balance here, drop the small sh1t and focus on the big problems... picking my battles sort of thing. How to respond to this???? Obviously I am somewhere between furious and deeply hurt but I read this as absolute manipulation and turning it around on me rather than confronting her own behavior. I never said she was evil, I did say she had lied and deceived and broken promises and that it scares/hurts/angers/upsets me.
____________________________________

Her note back to me....

I cannot control your doubts. I have apologized for everything that has happened so far but I am not going to apologize for something I have not done.



You dont trust me and you dont believe me? Well thats a problem ....... Because I have not lied to you. Im with you every single day every single night. Twenty minutes out of the entire ordeal you were nice and understanding and I felt like we were a team and you were giving me the support I needed, that was when you laid down next to me and told me you understand I am embaressed and that is why you dont want to talk to your sponsor right now. Where that 20 minutes of (me) came from and where he went I dont know.....but I sure do wish he was the one I was around all the time....instead of you who I feel is constantly judging me and making me out to be this evil, lying, dishonest and inconsiderate person.



I did feel bad, i told you how bad i felt, i told you i made myself throw up i told you i felt so guilty that i cried.....you did not believe a single word i said. Where is the guilt and manipulation coming from? You asked me to help you understand what went through my head to make it ok for me to drink, I gave you example of how its hard for you to control yourself around sweets.



I am more upset about you being upset with me than what I actually did and thats wrong. I did speak to my counselor, you want to call her then go ahead. You are not my father so stop acting like one. I freaked out because I did something I had promised myself I would never do. If you ask me a question and I answer you then I am answering honestly. If you are not going to believ me than dont bother asking me. I am tired of this constant battle of you trying to put me down and point out every single mistake i make......blowing it out of porpotion.





Ambien story, go ahead and ask (her counselor) if she said that to me. Again, you dont believe me and I am sick of it. You talk about us being a team and yet you are always against me, I feel like I have to constantly defend myself and have to walk on eggshells around you.....worry about every word being taken in the wrong context, im starting to understand how you felt around (my ex). I can put on my "how would (me) analyze this" and think maybe he is still making up or his past mistakes and is on a mission to make me look like an awful person to make hinself feel better. But Im not doing that. (Note - could have fooled me)



I did not hide it (Note: WTF: she poured it in a water bottle hidden in her suitcase and only fessed up when I confronted her), I have not been hiding it. That was the first time I did in 8 months, I swore to you and you still dont believe me. I dont what is the list of things you couldnt put your finger on but now you know it was because i was drinking.....I was NOT drinking. I hate you for even thinking that......you hurt my feelings really bad by so many things you have been saying about me for the last month. I cant believ you think Im the kind of person that you have been saying I am, and now this??



I am not being defensive, Im hurt and I am telling you once again that everything I told you was the truth, I have NOT lied to you. You either believe me or you dont. Right now you dont believe me so I would appreciate it if you give me space and find something else to focus on. You are not being supportive or my partner, you are blaming me and making me feel like ****. I dont deserve that.



I am going to my meeting and will do whatever my sponsor suggests I do. I do not want you involved because I dont believe you undersgtand me for who I am and what I do. I have nothing to hide, yet I also do not need to repeat myself over and over again wasting my words when you dont beleive me.



Making the mistake of putting (son's) life in danger is what I am worried about, Im not going to worry more about trying to convince you that this drinking has not been going on for a while. Not going to waste my words anymore. I know and my God knows what the truth is, you are not my god.



I have always come clean to you.......I am not going to make up a lie or admit to something I have NOT done.

PohsFriend

Here is what she was replying to... It's only fair to give context. My intent was to be firm but not harsh, factual but not judgmental... I must have missed the boat pretty badly....

Again, not looking for pats on the back - if you see where I could have done a better job of communicating my intent (I am scared sh--less, I am afraid for you and our son and our future and I need your help because I love you and want this to work) then kick me in the butt.

My Note:
_________________________________
really don't know what to think or say or do right now but I am beyond frightened and worried.

I am not going to give up on you or quit trying but I am going to stop trying to fix it on my own because I can't. Our marriage is pretty much in your hands right now. I am committed to doing whatever I must because I want to. I have serious doubts as to whether you are willing to do the same.

So here's the thing. I do not trust you and I don't believe you. (NOTE: OK, I was a d-ck here, I should have softened that up some and let her know that I want to believe her and trust her because I really do) The ambien story... just doesn't pass the smell test and there have been a lot of odd things I just could not put my finger on but I wrote it off to you being pregnant and tired. The guilt and manipulation and threats Saturday - don't say anything because you already feel so bad, don't call your sponsor (I STRONGLY advise you not to!),

Tonight I hope you will go get your 24 hour chip and start fresh on AA. When you get home I hope you will come all the way clean with me and tell me everything about what has been going on and start a '24 hour chip for our marriage.

I still want that marriage and family and dream more than anything in the world. My confidence and belief that you will allow that to happen is severly shaken right now.

So you do the plan - you tell me what I need to do. You tell me how you hide it, what goes through your mind when you are trying to avoid the hospital or your AA sponsor finding out. That scared me more than the drink - that's you when you're drinking baby. The Sober you is so terrified of drinking again that she told me to call her sponsor if I even SUSPECTED she might be drinking, do you remember that?

You can have a healthy son, a loving husband and a big daughter/little sister who all love you more than anything. We choose you but unless you choose us you will ruin all of us. You could kill (son) in the womb or after he is born if you drink. once you start you can't stop. You can only NOT START. I have to understand how and when it started again and I think it was well before Saturday. Look at your journal, back when you drank your writing and wording got lousy as you got more drunk... it is there again baby,

I want to believe you and I want to trust you and I want to be your husband so badly honey. I will give 100% but that won't do it. I need you to be all in. Doing the work, hiding nothing, telling me the whole truth.... what is going on honey? have you been taking too much ambien or Xanax? Drinking? what is it? You haven't been the person you were when you were fully sober lately, the last few weeks there is a big difference and I need to understand it. YOU need to understand it.

Responding with anger and guilt and saying I am picking on you won't work this time. You got all upset because I got angry with you for breaking all of the promises you've been making. If I started reverting back to the old behavior that hurt you I am sure you would not accept it and if I just turned it around on you and blamed you for it you woud get angry.

Come clean, tell me what is going on and let's do that plan for our marriage. Tell me what it means to you, what are you promising? what kind of marriage do you want me to have? What kind of life do you want our son to have? What kind of life do you want? Write me instructions for how to deal with (wife) if she relapses - what lies should I look for? What signs? How can I tell?

On Saturday, you made a plan to go get alcohol in secret, you got it, you hid it, you drank it and afterward you used manipulation and contempt and guilt to try to prevent me from making you follow your own plan for what to do. That is the behavior of an active alcoholic - classic example. When it comes to alcohol you are deceptive, manipulative, dishonest and selfish. That is not who you are when your disease is not in control. You could have killed our son and my wife. If anyone else in this world threatened you two that way I would give my life or take theirs without a second thought to protect you. When it is you doing it, I need your help.

You have to tell me absolutely everything. Not revealing is a lie too, don't just admit what I know - tell me EVERYTHING.

If I can't trust that you will do that I can't trust you. I can't go to work, I can't live my life and I will be miserable. What do I do? Buy a breathalyzer and get you on Facetime every two hours to do it live on screen? Keep you to a strict card-only allowance where I can watch every penny and lock away all of your valuables in a safety deposit box so you can'tpawn them for money? Have you locked up in rehab until (Son) is born? I also need to know that you care about that and you do not want me to spend my life babysitting and managing a drunk and trying to keep her alcoholism hidden and secret. That life is hell for both of us and I do not choose that life. Only you can choose it for us.

I love you. I am begging you to fight with everything you have for your son, your husband and your daughter. We need you and we love you and my heart is completely broken right now. I thought this day would come and accepted that when I asked you to marry me so coming clean and turning TO ME will not hurt us. Hiding, turning away, deceiving.... that will doom us, nobody can live with that.

I need your help, you are the only one who can do this and that starts with a decision. I hope you decide you want two chips tonight. I love you, I hate this.

sugarbear1

um, there are NO group dictates on how to work the steps. Also alcohol is absorbed directly into our membranes, so throwing up didn't get rid of all of it.

I really don't have much to say, but I have much empathy for you.

With love & hugs,

ZiggyB

I think the bottom line here is, do you really trust her? I wouldn't...

I felt the same way after my exbf violated several promises he had made to me, blew me off for dinner after he was too drunk to come see me at 6 p.m., starting smoking again and even posted the pictures of him drinking at the bar on a FB page. I know this isn't as dire as the situation with your unborn child but I still felt totally violated.

He also claimed that I was keeping a list of resentments against him - I wasn't, but when you make agreements in the relationship and the agreements are broken it is very difficult to trust the other person. After that I assumed he was drunk all of the time.

I'm sure she feels terrible about what she has done but the hallmark of addiction is denial and they will hide it from you, distort the truth, go behind your back and do whatever they want to do. Sadly all of the lectures in the world, the begging, the pleading, crying, and yelling did not make one bit of difference in my situation. He did whatever he wanted to in the end.

djayr

Hello friend, I am really sorry for your drama. This is just the worst. The problem is that one person simply cannot control another, yet you have no choice but to try, for the sake of the baby.

The exchanges that you are having are understandable, but from my personal experience with my own AW (who almost died on several occasions), this is a dysfunctional downward spiral. Her light bulb might turn on, but it's NOT going to be the result of your convincing, your logic, warnings, persuasive arguments etc. I can relate to your situation so much.

What has worked for me, in the sense of keeping my own sanity: detach by looking at her as a sick person. Yes, she has lied and will likely continue to lie. That is what alcoholics do. You have to be prepared to NEVER get the real answers, for her to "tell you everything". I've been waiting 17 years, I don't think A's even know why they drink, let alone explain it...the disease is baffling to anyone who dares to understand it! So you are powerless. Step one.

Since you are powerless, then you are in the hands of fate, or better yet, a power greater than yourself. This is how you can pray for your unborn baby. And pray for yourself, that you can go have peace and patience and mercy and gentleness. You can't control her, but you can control yourself. Take her advice and go to al anon, if she is going to meetings, perhaps she will have a spiritual awakening. Let go and let God. This is the wisdom of the program that has helped others in your same situation.

Your faith is being severely tested, but hang in there! I know you probably want to lose it completely, but things actually might work out OK. Millions of healthy babies have been born to women who drank during pregnancy, it is not a death sentence. If she is as nice and deep-down sensible and caring as you say, then she will fight the fight. You can only do so much.

I just feel like you might catch more flies with honey at this point. She is wounded, she is already lying, I personally think verbally pounding on her any further, may send her deeper into her secret (and rebellious) thought life where she will isolate in the self destructive world of "no one loves me".

IMHO, maybe just tell her you are going to pray like crazy and work on yourself, that you are there to support her, and take a detached and gentle posture. A rubber room and some restraints might be more tempting at this point, but since those aren't an option, what else can you do?

Best wishes and whichever way it goes, I know you are giving this 100%. You are going to survive this nightmare!

NWGRITS

Quack.

You need to take care of your son, which requires have her committed somehow. Make sure she knows you're doing it for YOUR SON. I've been praying for you at night when I do my daily gratitude and prayer journal. Keep up your strength. You're going to need it.

Tuffgirl

Wow. I too am speechless, but glad you have found a place where you can vent and get some experience, strength and hope (aka ES&H if you see the acronym around).

After 4 years of conversations like your email exchange above, my ex and I are divorced. And he found sobriety through AA (if that is the truth). I don't want to sound discouraging, because I know when I was standing in your shoes, minus a baby on the way, the last thing I wanted to hear was discouragement. But you don't know her sober. I mean really truly sober and working a program to maintain it. I didn't know my husband sober, either.

Prayers to you that there is no permanent damage to the baby and she is being truthful about the one slip. But as you can now see - alcoholism is a force much stronger than you or this unborn child. Yes, A's will throw it all away for booze - the compulsion is that strong.

My humble suggestion would be to be quiet now. Enough said. And I can't help but wonder how often you have been 'all talk, no action' and she is comfortable calling your bluff. She owned this, now let her fix it. But you'd best be on guard. What I hear in your posts is more to be revealed. She isn't quite ready to give up the drinking entirely.

Prayers and take good care.
~T

PohsFriend

Thanks all.

I really wanted to scream last night but as a few mentioned, that would just make her pull away and rebel and give her an excuse to to hide things in the future - I can't tell you because you are mean.

She told me how she got lots of hugs and support at her meeting last night which is what she needed, not my questions and accusations. She said this is between her AA sisters and her and I just need to deal with my problems.

I resisted the urge to scream or ask where the f--- they were when I was sitting by the hospital bed crying or why they don't chip in on the bills this disease has caused me.

I had a couple epiphanies:
1. I lost my mind over this because it shocked and terrified me. I was aware that this day would come but I figured I had a grace period while she was pregnant. The fact that she could go buy it, bring it back, pour some in a glass and hide the rest ...all before drinking it means there was over an hour between seeing it at the store and buying it on impulse and actually pouring it down her throat. So that tells me that I did not understand the power of alcohol over her. I knew that the first sip is almost a certain path to disaster but I really thought she was in control of whether she has the first sip. I was wrong.
2. She is humiliated and embarassed and guilt stricken. Kicking her won't help.
3. I will never again live with an active alcoholic. If she drinks she goes to the hospital and stays there and I will do breathalyzers or whatever else is required. No amount of begging, pleading, guilting or manipulation will change that. She may or may not be able to control her decision to drink. I have made my decision that I will not lose my career and my sanity negotiating with and caring for an actively drinking alcoholic. That does not mean I will throw her out, it does mean I will put her in rehab. I understand that this is her disease, not her. I hate her disease, I love her.

So we'll see what happens. While she is pregnant there will be ZERO tolerance and I do mean ZERO. She went and got a new 24 hr chip last night and sees the OB/GYN today and will tell them she had two drinks and then puked. I am assuming the docs will be somewhat skeptical and run whatever tests they need to.

Meanwhile I protect myself and my kids. There may well come a time when she decides to give up her home, husband, stepdaughter and son for alcohol and she may decide she doesn't like me much because I won't tolerate being responsible for her when she drinks. I hope not. I hope the idea of losing everything and only seeing her son under supervision would be sufficient incentive but I'm learning that applying logic to alcoholism is not rational. You can't reason with a mentally ill person while the illness is present and in control.

So we will see. She will get well or she won't. I am going to start going to al-anon and I did tell her I can and will do everything in my power to be soothing and supportive but on one condition - I will not be understanding or listen to her at all if she drinks. Drink - hospital, Sober - home... end of discussion.

I have to hope and pray that she makes it. I don't have that luxury with myself, I have to manage everything and make certain that I insulate myself and my kids from her if she fails.

That is the part I hate the most. I want to be building a strong marriage, instead I need to build some walls and make plans so that if the worst happens I can do what I have to do to protect our son first, myself second and her third. That sucks. It sucks even more knowing that despite all of the things I have done for her and all the hell it caused me when she was drinking, she sees me as the mean bully and her AA sisters as the kind ones. The unfairness of that reallllllly sucks but I guess there is a lesson there. If helping and taking on all of the emotional and financial messes she made for herself makes her resent me and me resent her then I just need to stop doing it. Insulate myself and just let her fix the messes she makes in the future and let her figure it out.

Hate this.

Cyranoak

Dude. She's not the problem, you are. You picked a train wreck and within a year married her. And, guess what? She's a trainwreck.

You need to, immediately, stop focusing on her and start focusing on yourself to figure out how in God's name you got yourself into this (Alanon and counseling will be a really good start). Your picker is broken my friend, as is mine, and I'll tell you this: you didn't cause her problems, you can't control her problems, and you can't fix her problems, but you can contribute to them and you have been since you picked her.

She's not a car you can throw parts at to fix, nor is she a child, nor are you her parent. She's an adult responsible for all of her own decisions, issues or not, and so are you.

This is from one dude with an alcoholic bipolar wife to another. The difference is I'm 15 years down this road-- it's paved with metal spikes and it leads to hell. I'm not proud I made it 15 years-- I'm ashamed. I should have move on after one.

Focus on yourself and your recovery, not hers, or get used to your life as it is today because it will never change if you don't.

Cyranoak

PohsFriend

Yup, that is true. When she got pregnant it was a shocker and I knew full well that she had been a trainwreck and might well continue to be a trainwreck but one way or another I was going to be tied to her for the rest of my life.

The best case scenario under those circumstances is if she can get well and stay well and be a wife and mother.

The worst case scenario was co-parenting a child with a raging alcoholic.

The middle case was raising a child solo with an absentee alcoholic mom who is not involved.

So knowing all that I decided, not quickly or easily, to give the best case scenario my best shot. Had she not been pregnant things would be different but she was and is and so I have to deal with life as it is and that means doing everything within reason to make this work. Had she not been then marrying her would have happened only after 2-3 years of sobriety and a much greater level of comfort that she was indeed well.

But life doesn't always go according to plan and that means dealing with the issues that are in front of you. I brought these issues on myself and have to deal with them.

As you point out, that means taking care of me and not trying to manage her and letting her sink or swim on her own because a year ago I probably made it take longer for her to hit bottom because I enabled - bigtime.

So my picker and I may have some issues and I don't mind you taking that swing since I earned it but that is not real helpful. There is a baby coming. His best shot is two healthy and happy parents so I am focusing on that first. If that turns out to be impossible then whatever is best for him becomes the plan.

Did not plan for this, just not running from it. And I am scared to death because I already raised one child whose mom wigged out 17 years ago and who has been a nightmare to deal with for 18 years.

...and while no woman is worth dealing with an active alcoholic, this one is well worth the effort if she makes it. I do get that I can't fix it and that is tough for me but I will heed your advice about worrying about myself and focusing on my mental health, not hers. Meanwhile I know full well that loving her may be the worst mistake I ever make or the best gamble I ever took and that the odds suck. I'm hoping... but bracing.

NWGRITS

A good portion of us are here because our pickers are broken (or were, at some point in time). Though the main reason I'm here is being an ACoA, which led to my seeming inability to pick a decent human being as a partner. I finally got it right, years down the road with therapy.

Your worst-case and middle-case scenarios shouldn't even be in the picture here. My mother has been an A all my life, and let me tell you what kind of hell that is for a child. No child deserves to grow up in a home with an A. If you stick around in a home with children and an active A, you're just as guilty of abusing those kids as the addict. You have the choice to remove them from the situation and having them stand a chance at a somewhat healthy, normal life. If they stay in a home with an active A, then that chance all but goes right out the window, and they'll grow up to be just like you.

PohsFriend

Wow.

1. My 17 year old has not seen my wife drink. My wife took a drink this week after 8 months of sobriety.

2. I already said that if she goes back to drinking, she will not be around the kids - mine or ours - or me for that matter. That would break my heart because I adore this woman and she has a disease that I hate but kids would come first and she knows that and actually that is something she loves about me.

3. You suggest that the worst thing that could happen to my children is for them to grow up to be just like me. OK, so let's see.... hmm, top of my class, full scholarships to college & graduate school, successful career, raised one child who is an honor student who has never drank or smoked or been in trouble one day in her life and raised her solo... I did however fall in love with a wonderful woman who happens to have a horrible disease. So I came here because I know that if she does not beat that disease I will lose her to it and I'm heartbroken by that. ...but I never once suggested I would let her live the life of an active alcoholic in front of my children.

So you did help me in one way, you reinforced my belief that allowing a child to grow up with an actively drinking alcoholic mother is no option, lest they grow up to be a bitter, nasty and mean-spirited jerk who doesn't bother to read before spewing bitterness at strangers. That doesn't take much backbone. Walking to the front of the room 7 months pregnant to take a 24 hour chip last night because she took one drink... wow, that had to be so humiliating and take so much more courage than I can imagine.

Are you drunk and blaming mom for your drinking or are you just looking for someone to crap on? Move along now troll, back under your bridge. Meanwhile I will not allow an active alcoholic in my life or those of my children but nor will I discard a good and decent person without doing everything I can to encourage her and give her the chance to save herself before casually discarding the person because her didease may come back.

If I am being to harsh in my reply to you then I'm sorry - I need to be calm and gentle with my wife right now so kicking some a-hole in the teeth for attacking me is an inappropriate but satisfying outlet for the frustration right now and well, she has a disease - what's your excuse?