I did it, I went to my first Al-anaon meeting Tuesday
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I did it, I went to my first Al-anaon meeting Tuesday
It was good I guess. I feel lost and somewhat hopeless for this relationship - but am excited of the prospect of not letting alcoholism consume my thoughts one day because of some help. I have a meeting with a counselor in 2 weeks - recommended by my doctor after my first anxiety attack EVER, and I told her about the AB. The counselor specialists in people in relationships with addiction. That all gave me some hope for myself other than just packing up and leaving - which may happen anyway.
I sent AB a long email - with links here in hopes that he learns, what I have learned. Alnong with a plea to read the stack of literature I now have at home on this disease. I need him to learn that this is only going to get worse, that it is terminal, and that hes going to send us both through hell if I stay, and if he keeps drinking. I emailed him because talking about his drinking while he was drinking got me the bird, and a nice FU in the past.
He said he felt bad that I didn't think I could talk to him and had to email. And then, the rest of the conversation went word for word of how so many in here have described. "He can quit at any time. He holds a good job for 10 years. He doesn't treat me bad. He doesn't drive. He enjoys it. He WANTS to drink - he doesn't need to drink."
"He feels deceived because I drank with him before we got together, and now I want to change him." Yeah....I didn't realize you drank a quart of vodka a day or more when left to your own devices until we moved in together.
We made a deal - of course - I'll be less "controlling" (yeah - like asking him to do the dishes, or writing a list when were leaving for a weekend." QUUAAACKK. And "he will drink less" wtfe that means...
I feel better we had a civil conversation. I feel worse about our situation. I feel miles apart from him. I feel sad for him. I will not go through hell with him. I won't.
One lady at Al anon told me not to make a big decision for a year - I don't think I can be audience to his "wanting to drink - non addiction" for a year.
Wish me luck.
xoxo
I sent AB a long email - with links here in hopes that he learns, what I have learned. Alnong with a plea to read the stack of literature I now have at home on this disease. I need him to learn that this is only going to get worse, that it is terminal, and that hes going to send us both through hell if I stay, and if he keeps drinking. I emailed him because talking about his drinking while he was drinking got me the bird, and a nice FU in the past.
He said he felt bad that I didn't think I could talk to him and had to email. And then, the rest of the conversation went word for word of how so many in here have described. "He can quit at any time. He holds a good job for 10 years. He doesn't treat me bad. He doesn't drive. He enjoys it. He WANTS to drink - he doesn't need to drink."
"He feels deceived because I drank with him before we got together, and now I want to change him." Yeah....I didn't realize you drank a quart of vodka a day or more when left to your own devices until we moved in together.
We made a deal - of course - I'll be less "controlling" (yeah - like asking him to do the dishes, or writing a list when were leaving for a weekend." QUUAAACKK. And "he will drink less" wtfe that means...
I feel better we had a civil conversation. I feel worse about our situation. I feel miles apart from him. I feel sad for him. I will not go through hell with him. I won't.
One lady at Al anon told me not to make a big decision for a year - I don't think I can be audience to his "wanting to drink - non addiction" for a year.
Wish me luck.
xoxo
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
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Good for you! Keep going back, and if you don't like one group, try another until you find a group that suits you. Or several...I had groups in different parts of town that I rotated.
You are being gaslighted - my ex told me for months that I was the alcoholic because I drink too. And if he has to stop, then I should stop smoking too. It's all geared to take the focus off of them and put it back on you. Just ignore it all.
Keep us posted on how Al-Anon goes. Hope you picked up a daily reader or two. I've read mine over and over again the last two years. They are wonderful!
You are being gaslighted - my ex told me for months that I was the alcoholic because I drink too. And if he has to stop, then I should stop smoking too. It's all geared to take the focus off of them and put it back on you. Just ignore it all.
Keep us posted on how Al-Anon goes. Hope you picked up a daily reader or two. I've read mine over and over again the last two years. They are wonderful!
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Better than where I was
Posts: 267
Congrats on the first meeting! It was tough for me to get to my first! There's a good chance he already knows what that literature says. It is part of the disease to deny it, or at least look past it. The disease tells them that it won't happen to them. The only voice that they will listen to is their own telling them when it is time. Keep the focus on yourself. I know for me I had become very sick from the disease. When I make an effort to make myself better, I get less wrapped up in the disease & life is much better & easier. Alanon is teaching me how to do this.
I know the feeling about waiting a year. Really a WHOLE YEAR? But after today, your one day closer to a year! One day at a time!
Here is today's reading from One Day At A Time. It's on page 243. It helps me get through many hard days when I don't think I can wait for the "sign" to guide me. Thanks to MeridethD1 for posting this, it saved me a lot of typing! (also saves me when I forget my daily reading!)
August 30 in The Little Blue Book ONE DAY at a TIME in AL-ANON:
When a family situation becomes really desperate, and we think we just can’t go on another day living in uncertainty, fear, deprivation and general misery, we may decide to take action. That’s good. But what action? So much depends on taking the right course. Let me consider:
Is my present frame
of mind, whether of anger, bitterness or confusion, one in which I can make a wise choice? Have I yielded too readily to friendly advice, well meant, but based on only limited knowledge of all the factors?
TODAY’S REMINDER
If I have come to the end of my rope, I have lived in this turmoil for a long time. Let me be patient a little longer while I weigh the alternatives. Will a radical change really work out better for me, for my children and, yes, for my spouse?
Before I make a decision, or take a step, I will redouble my efforts to apply the Al-Anon program. It could bring me to an entirely different, more constructive solution than the drastic ones I was considering.
“Make sure that the medicine you decide on in a rash and desperate moment doesn’t turn out to be worse than the malady.”
Try a few different meetings, they're all different. Way to go!
I know the feeling about waiting a year. Really a WHOLE YEAR? But after today, your one day closer to a year! One day at a time!
Here is today's reading from One Day At A Time. It's on page 243. It helps me get through many hard days when I don't think I can wait for the "sign" to guide me. Thanks to MeridethD1 for posting this, it saved me a lot of typing! (also saves me when I forget my daily reading!)
August 30 in The Little Blue Book ONE DAY at a TIME in AL-ANON:
When a family situation becomes really desperate, and we think we just can’t go on another day living in uncertainty, fear, deprivation and general misery, we may decide to take action. That’s good. But what action? So much depends on taking the right course. Let me consider:
Is my present frame
of mind, whether of anger, bitterness or confusion, one in which I can make a wise choice? Have I yielded too readily to friendly advice, well meant, but based on only limited knowledge of all the factors?
TODAY’S REMINDER
If I have come to the end of my rope, I have lived in this turmoil for a long time. Let me be patient a little longer while I weigh the alternatives. Will a radical change really work out better for me, for my children and, yes, for my spouse?
Before I make a decision, or take a step, I will redouble my efforts to apply the Al-Anon program. It could bring me to an entirely different, more constructive solution than the drastic ones I was considering.
“Make sure that the medicine you decide on in a rash and desperate moment doesn’t turn out to be worse than the malady.”
Try a few different meetings, they're all different. Way to go!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Thanks guys!
I know - a friend of mine tells me that in every relationship i've had (I'm 35, unmarried, and have cohabited with more boyfriends than I'd care to admit - all pretty great men in their own right) I've always had 1 foot out the door. She thinks that I never really go all - in. She's right.
I'm going to give it the old college try, for sure. I will wait my year pending nothing goes drastically downhill, and I'm going to make myself a better person out of it all - no matter the future, and no matter how hard it is.
How many times have you all heard this? - aside from the addiction, this is the most wonderful, love of my life relationship - AND, this is my first relationship with an alcoholic. Go figure.
Thanks everyone - without you all and SR, I'd be in hell, semi alone.
I know - a friend of mine tells me that in every relationship i've had (I'm 35, unmarried, and have cohabited with more boyfriends than I'd care to admit - all pretty great men in their own right) I've always had 1 foot out the door. She thinks that I never really go all - in. She's right.
I'm going to give it the old college try, for sure. I will wait my year pending nothing goes drastically downhill, and I'm going to make myself a better person out of it all - no matter the future, and no matter how hard it is.
How many times have you all heard this? - aside from the addiction, this is the most wonderful, love of my life relationship - AND, this is my first relationship with an alcoholic. Go figure.
Thanks everyone - without you all and SR, I'd be in hell, semi alone.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
He is not going to learn anything from reading any books or literature. Reading is not going to open his eyes. We expect them to act and behave like normal-thinking human beings, like if you read something that said who you were and how much the substance is hurting you, you would say, "Oh, this sounds like me; maybe I should do something about it." But they are not normal-thinking people, and they are irrational. He is not going to change and you are going to waste an entire year waiting for someone who will not change, to magically become someone other than who he is. I don't recommend it.
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Learn2live - I appreciate your feedback. Believe me - much of me is saying run like the wind. Thats difficult (more difficult than trying right now)- we were best friends for 6 years before we got together for the last year and a half. I feel compelled to try - don't get me wrong, I can be out in 4 hours while hes at work if need be - I am not afraid of being alone - and once I'm done - he'll never see me again. Ask any ex of mine...
That being said - your probably right, learning might not help. But he is my partner, and I have to share with him all i have learned about this. Even if the bs that I will go through is the only thing that registers (and will put him through in turn
) I can only focus on me, right?!
Anyone here a RA, or know one that took a self test, read anything brilliant, or talked to a RA or A that gave them an eyeopener and caused them to realize theres a problem - WITHOUT losing everything? Yay or nay - I want him to read what I have.
Many HAVE changed. Obviously not magically - and obviously not without a lot of hell for them and those around them. No one even knows who he truly is - not even him. Active As are defined by the bottle i am finding out. To themselves, and often to those that are around them. I would like to know who he truly is one day. Not if it means sacrificing who I am though. I hope the year is not a waste - so far the years we've spent together have not been - in fact they've been among the best.
I thank you for the warning - in a year, I might be right here, saying damn I shoulda listened...who knows.
That being said - your probably right, learning might not help. But he is my partner, and I have to share with him all i have learned about this. Even if the bs that I will go through is the only thing that registers (and will put him through in turn
) I can only focus on me, right?!Anyone here a RA, or know one that took a self test, read anything brilliant, or talked to a RA or A that gave them an eyeopener and caused them to realize theres a problem - WITHOUT losing everything? Yay or nay - I want him to read what I have.
Originally Posted by Learn2Live 
He is not going to change and you are going to waste an entire year waiting for someone who will not change, to magically become someone other than who he is. I don't recommend it.
I thank you for the warning - in a year, I might be right here, saying damn I shoulda listened...who knows.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 32
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl
You are being gaslighted - my ex told me for months that I was the alcoholic because I drink too. And if he has to stop, then I should stop smoking too. It's all geared to take the focus off of them and put it back on you. Just ignore it all.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 253
Originally Posted by firebolt
Many HAVE changed. Obviously not magically - and obviously not without a lot of hell for them and those around them. No one even knows who he truly is - not even him. Active As are defined by the bottle i am finding out. To themselves, and often to those that are around them. I would like to know who he truly is one day. Not if it means sacrificing who I am though. I hope the year is not a waste - so far the years we've spent together have not been - in fact they've been among the best.
When I came here, I was so deep in that hole of dispair, I didn't know what to do, what to think, and even if it was possible to dig myself out. The people here, some great support, and working the steps dug me out so that today I am inherently happy standing outside that "hole" which seems to be where you are today.
What you do in the immediate, or the long term, future is whatever will match your personality and heart. You have taken the most important step to recovery by your first Al-Anon meeting and I am so very happy that you are facing your present relationship fully aware of what may happen down the road.
Take care.
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THanks Spes - i'm a work-in-progress for sure. I have this terrible habit of basing much of my life on "what-ifs." I guess the blessing in that is that I figured out what's going on early and am taking (hopefully) logical positive action. You give me great inspiration, and I hope to have my happy place despite - like you one day. THANK YOU for the motivation!
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Please consider continuing with Alanon...
...it will help you with this, and it will help you to not have a need for him to know things. It will help you to focus on you, and it will help you to know when to be all in, and when to be out the door. It will also help you understand the futility of talking to him about his drinking.
Keep an open mind, try at least six meetings, and see what you think.
Take care,
Cyranoak
P.s. That whole thing about "waiting a year." Consider taking it with a grain of salt. IMHO if you want to leave, then leave. If you want' to stay, then stay. I think it's more about when you are considering cohabitation, marrying, having children, etc. I'm not sure it applies to your situation.
Keep an open mind, try at least six meetings, and see what you think.
Take care,
Cyranoak
P.s. That whole thing about "waiting a year." Consider taking it with a grain of salt. IMHO if you want to leave, then leave. If you want' to stay, then stay. I think it's more about when you are considering cohabitation, marrying, having children, etc. I'm not sure it applies to your situation.
Originally Posted by firebolt
THanks Spes - i'm a work-in-progress for sure. I have this terrible habit of basing much of my life on "what-ifs." I guess the blessing in that is that I figured out what's going on early and am taking (hopefully) logical positive action. You give me great inspiration, and I hope to have my happy place despite - like you one day. THANK YOU for the motivation!
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
I really wish you luck. I had never tried AlAnon but sent axbf plenty of things to read about how he was hurting me and himself. He did manage to quit for about a week or two but then went right back to it. Sometimes he was better and sometimes he was worse but he definitely loved his vodka more than he loved me, or at least it felt that way. Sadly denial is a hallmark of the addiction and I sure felt he would come to see things my way eventually. Never happened... the booze broke us up and he blamed me and my "character flaws" for everything.
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I took the piece about waiting a year to mean that I did not have to make a decision yesterday about the situation (because I kind of had a lot of pressure on myself to do that).
For me more was revealed in that time, and the decision was painful, but straightforward.
For me more was revealed in that time, and the decision was painful, but straightforward.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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I definitely plan to continue with Alanon - 2nd meeting is tonight. We had a great weekend on vacation with friends - he kept from drinking except for a couple beers the whole time, so after7 days, he seems like his keeping with his part of what sounds like will be many of our first "bargains."
ONLY from reading everything here, I know that this comfy place we're in for the last week probably won't last - and ONLY because of my first meeting and reading in here am I going back to Alanon tonight. Today seems like *BAM - drinking problem fixed - all better - forward ho. But thanks to you all, I know better..
ONLY from reading everything here, I know that this comfy place we're in for the last week probably won't last - and ONLY because of my first meeting and reading in here am I going back to Alanon tonight. Today seems like *BAM - drinking problem fixed - all better - forward ho. But thanks to you all, I know better..
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