firebolt

It's been over a year and a half with AB.

There are good times and bad - like any relationship I suppose.

I have to figure out what to do...this is so sad. I knew from day one that I could end up leaving over his drinking. I haven't experienced much of the hell I keep reading about in here - yet - the strength of you all amaze me - you are all so wonderful.

We have fun - there is no abuse, he works, he supports me, we love a lot of the same things, we're in love, he treats everyone I love well...but - he drinks - ALOT - and it is annoying and degrading to spend so much time - and be in love with a "drunk." Sorry - I am angry after spending the weekend with a happy-go-lucky blithering forgetful drunk child. He neglects his hygiene, I skipped a dinner party this weekend - because he was drunk long before dinner was to begin. I've left him home and made up excuses a couple times because he was in prime form...and God forbid my family knows i'm in this. Aside from obvious loneliness while he and his true love are at it, these are the things i've experienced so far.

Leaving now seems easier than putting myself in counseling, working HARD to make my life happy despite, giving him an ultimatum, sticking to my threat, and ultimately ending up leaving anyway. I am aware that it will only get worse. I am aware that I deserve better. I am aware of his priority no matter how in love with me he is - and how great we are together most of the time.

He wants to get married - so do I - but I won't marry that miserable bottle. It will only get worse.

Please all you x's of a's - tell me it won't stay great (for the most part - of course) forever, and you all wished you would have left sooner. I guess I just need reinforcement of what I already know. Are there really ANY happy endings to staying with them? I'm a numbers person - I need odds. Thanks all - xoxo

LaTeeDa

It may seem like just leaving solves all your problems, but in reality it doesn't. If you truly want a happy life, I would suggest getting that counseling anyway, doing the hard work on yourself anyway, and figuring out why you chose an alcoholic for a partner, and what is it about him that is so attractive to you.

If you want to leave, then leave. If you want to stay, then stay. But don't fool yourself into thinking that getting him out of your life will prevent you from going out and finding "another one."

I'm turning 50 next month and am currently in the first truly happy, honest, equal, fulfilling relationship I have ever had. And I firmly believe it's because I finally decided to buckle down and figure out ME.

L

owathu

In my experience, it will not stay all happy go lucky drunk. My Ah was happy go lucky as well, for a lonnnngggg time. And I thought as you did, well, it's not THAT BAD, at least he doesn't hit me, or is mean to me. Seriously, I was thinking, well, at least I don't get hit.

His disease progressed so much that the happy go lucky loving drunk turned into dis-respectful, annoying, loud, cheating, and down right mean to me drunk. All in the last 6 months. And his drinking got much much worse. From having a 6 pack after work and maybe some scotch to drinking all night (God, I just wanted him to pass out already!) and then getting up around midnight to start drinking again.

I've known him for almost 9 years. When we met, I was 35, I am 44 now, no kids, no more marriage, nothing to show for my commitment to him. I wasted my late 30's on this guy. I am not going to waste the rest of my 40's.

If you think it is a problem now, it will be a worse problem later on. I would sometimes drink with him, trying to keep up, and I just couldn't. My body cannot tolerate that kind of drinking. And I didn't want to start having a problem either. So, even if that last push wasn't cheating, I was on the cusp of leaving anyways. It's not a marriage, I was care-taking someone. Imagine all the dinners, movies, parties, gardening, holidays that you will have to do alone. All the cooking, cleaning, shopping, everything, you will have to do alone. Is that the future you want?

firebolt

Thanks - yeah, Owathu. I am 35 - I don't want to end up 10, 20, 30 years later with nothing to show for this....besides maybe MORE issues than I already have. Leaving is hard - and there will always be this nagging feeling that I split prematurely though.

La Tee Da - you are right. My doc recommended a counselor for me - and I have been threatening myself that I will go to an Alanon meeting. It's time - thank you for the push! I chose him because hes been my best friend for 6 years before we got together. I knew he drank too much....I didn't know the extent until I moved in - armpit deep in love. I'm angry at myself for this. I should have known.

Spes

Hi, I understand your question. I have made the choice to stay. I even made the choice to marry knowing full well she is an addict/alcoholic.

Do I regret it? No. Will I ever leave? No. Both are my choices and I will live with them. The question you are asking....Am I happy? Yes !!!!!!

This is what coming here to SR and working the steps did for me. Made me realize that happiness is a function of me rather than someone else. I am sad that she is so sick and will die sooner than later. I'm a bit frustrated that all my income goes towards self inflicted medical bills. Sometimes I am frustrated that I do all the work and my life is somewhat on hold till she dies. But through all of this, I am inherently happy.

Addiction/alcoholism is progressive and terminal unless the addict themselves decide they want to change. Until you accept that fact, you'll continue to wonder if, as you write, "split prematurely." It's not that you split prematurely; it's that the addict took to long to fix themselves.

Ultimately, you will need to follow the path that works for your heart and safety but just understand that most everyone here can pretty much predict the future of your alcoholic and will lovingly recommend that you start focusing on you.

I truly wish you well.

firebolt

Thanks Spes.

Can I ask - how does it work with your family? Do they know? If I'm being too nosey, please tell me to pound sand! I just feel like is I know everything about this situation, I might get an answer for myself.

I am terrified of my parents finding out. Not because he drinks, because I am embarrassed that I am in love with an alcoholic. I *should know better - but I have never had a relationship with an alcoholic before, and annoying drinking aside - he is by far the best relationship (and I am lucky to say, all of my relationships have been pretty freaking good!)

I know I'm asking for answers no one can give me - just hoping one of you has a crystal ball I guess.

Thank you all so much.

Spes

Everybody knows. The children (all adults now) and everyone else knows who has a need to know. I treat her alcoholism as a disease so I tell people that she is suffering a terminal disease called alcoholism just as I would if it were cancer. I saw in another thread where someone asked about the family's "dirty little secret" and the next reply was asking their motive for disclsure. I think that is the crux of the issue. There is some sort of shame attached to the alcoholic. There is the belief that the addict/alcoholic can simply stop their behaviour if they want it bad enough. I don't look at her disease as a dirty little secret, nor am I ashamed for her, nor do I believe she can think as rationally as I can. Simply put, I do not have the right to judge my alcoholic and I will not allow others to judge her in my presence.

Our family knows everything so I am able to be truthful when I tell them why I can't be somewhere. I'm not a martyr nor am I a saint. I'm simply living with a very sick person who is not a threat to my physical safety and there are no children living with us. If either or both were present, I would be first in line with most everyone here telling you to get out. If and when your alcoholic progresses to the point of physical and emotional abuse, and/or you have children together, then you will be back here trying to regain your sanity.

Read all the literature and read all the stories of others here. Again, the disease is progressive and fatal unless the addict/alcoholic chooses themselves to change their own path.

I'll never tell you that you're to nosy or to pound sand. A lot of people here at SR helped pull me out of my dispair....I am here to return their kindness.

MendipMan

I am the alcoholic, I drank for 40 years and I was drinking when my wife met me, so was she. She grew out of it....I grew into it! 25 years later she left me and divorced me. I lost her, my children, my job, my driving license. I haven't touched the stuff for a year now. How do I view her actions now that I can look at them through sober eyes? I don't blame her one bit!!! She made the decision she made because she needed to look after herself and our daughter! She could not carry on because it was not me she was married to but the demon in the bottle!! The reality is that it will get worse. If you are reasoning with him now and he can't or won't give up. If you are through with the pleading, have issued the threats and still he continues then the voice of the demon is louder than the voice of reason inside his head. I can't remember the exact statistics, but a higher percentage of those who crash to the bottom and survive go on to recover than those who try to give up earlier. The worst part of that statistic is that more who crash do not survive than do. I crashed and I am here, and having gone through it I am now passionate about helping alcoholics avoid the crash but more passionate about saving the loved ones and families of that alcoholic. I have had to face what I did to my family and I am still having to face it (I blogged about this today)

If you don't want to marry a bottle (and I wouldn't) DON'T! I wasted 40 years of my life, I am more sad that I wasted 25 years of my wife's too!

firebolt

Thank you all so much for sharing with me. Wish this was easier. I am going to my first alanon meeting tomorrow ...and made an appointment with a counselor (also a first for me) in 2 weeks. I need to muster up the nards to not be so ashamed of my decision to be where i am to my family. They are loving and supportive..and me being embarassed is my problem that i need to fix. No kids...no abuse here...this is just so hard. I need to figure out if i can live with this...i already know i dont want to...sadly i dont want to be without him either. I wish he was aweful to me..that would make this easy...but it sounds like itll get there soon enough. Thanks again for sharing with me...and congrats to those who quit drinking....those who got away...and those who are happy despite! Hoping i find my place in there!!

LifeRecovery

I was in therapy way before realizing I was living with alcoholism.

I continue to go to therapy and Al-Anon even though I no longer live with problem drinking. Why you might ask?

Because they both help me to be the best person I can be.

I do best when I consider loving a problem drinker as the incentive I needed to learn what I needed to learn to be the best person I can.

To me there is no shame in that.

itsmylifenow

I got away after 3 long years of back and forth, on and off relationship with my abf.

I knew he drank too much when we first went out. Saw his anger, saw his drug use, saw it all.

He started with manipulation, then verbal abuse, angry outbursts, lying, cheating and using alcohol as his reason to say and do inappropriate things. He needed to control everything about our relationship, from how we had sex to what we did on the weekends. He wanted me to fit into his mold, his life, his expectations. He was selfish and had only one concern - his needs.

In the 3 years we went out I suffered two bouts of heart palpitations, one leading me into the hospital, from the mere stress of our relationship. He was the most negative person I have ever met. He sucked every bit of life out of me.

We broke up at least a dozen times in 3 years. Each time I went running back to him because I said I loved him. I needed him. Had to have him. Eventually, I started to realize that I had an addiction to him. That I was getting an adrenaline rush from the drama and chaos that surrounded him. It mimicked a relationship I had with my mom (who wasn't an A but had similar qualities).

I tried to counter what his negativity was doing to me with meditation, energy healing, smudging my house of his energy. Instead of leaving, I was trying to adjust to the turmoil of the relationship and somehow take care of me in the process.

I finally broke free last week when he lied and cheated on me for the last time. I'm now working the 12 steps and attending Coda meetings.

Inside, I feel like my soul is black. I'm hoping with enough time and work I can restore myself to something loving and free once again.

I stayed way too long. I thought I could handle it. Thought I could work through it, accept it, work around it, ignore it. I was sure I had it all figured out. I knew how to back off to avoid an argument, knew when to say something and when not to, what I could and couldn't tell him, how to lie by avoidance, how to do what I wanted to when he wasn't around. Oh, I learned a lot of things by being in a relationship with an A.

But, the biggest thing I learned was that I was no longer the person I used to be. I was damaged beyond anything I imagined. And, now I'm trying to pick up the pieces and put myself back together.

Only you can choose what's right for you. Attending any type of meeting, reading info on this forum and in books will hopefully give you whatever insight you need into what is your answer.

SundayGirl2012

Hi Firebolt
If you're asking yourself whether it's time to leave the relationship, then it probably is.
I'm in the middle of disentangling myself from my alcoholic boyfriend. He moved out of my flat 2 weeks ago. We haven't actually decided it's over but I think it probably is. He's a lovely man - but I can't live with his alcoholism. I thought that once he moved out, it would all be fine - but I'm finding that 2 years of living with an alcoholic have taken their toll. I feel intense sadness, possibly grief about the loss of the relationship but it only really comes out at Al-Anon meetings so I suspect it's something else. I've noticed that I react strangely to certain behaviours in other people: whenever someone doesn't do what they say they're going to do (even if there's an innocent explanation), I overreact - I get angry, upset and generally make a whole drama out of a fairly normal occurrence. These behaviours didn't start when the alcoholic entered my life but they certainly got a lot worse during that period.

I wouldn't let your family's possible views hold your back. I'm beginning to see that alcoholism is so common that everyone has a view on it - some of those views are helpful to me and some aren't. When I told my mother that I'd asked ABF to move out "because of his drinking behaviours" (I didn't use the word 'alcoholic'), she commented that we did live in a very small flat. Personally I don't think the flat has been picking up the bottle and putting it in my ABF's hand - but if my mother thinks the flat size is responsible, it doesn't really harm me.

I don't think you'll be able to predict your family's reaction - but you need to do what's right for you regardless. Perhaps it would be helpful to work out what kind of reaction(s) you're most afraid of - and why?

I only disentangled after a miserable weekend proved the final straw - I'd been doing some reading and realised that in the absence of any steps towards treatment or recovery, my ABF's disease was just going to get worse and living with it was turning me into someone I didn't want to be. I wish you lots of luck for whatever you decide is right for you, now and in the future.

SG
x

firebolt

Itsmylifenow. Im so sorry for everything youve gone through. I know statistically he will eventually abuse me in one way or another, start lieing to me, and or cheat on me. Odds are...thats what i have to look forward to from this loving man if he doesnt stop....or if i dont leave. Im proud of you for getting out. Stay strong!! We deserve reciprocal relationships!

Spes

You know firebolt, this is exactly it.

We all have widely different reasons for doing what we do based on our own personalities and the dynamics of our individual lives that the rest of the world can't possibly understand.

In the end, the alcoholic is really married to his bottle and you are his mistress even if there is no abuse in the relationship.

But you are very correct; YOU deserve a reciprocal relationship.

Take care.

firebolt

Thanks Spes. It is a reciprocal relationship most days...well except 2 - 3 days a week after 9 pm and most weekends starting at noon. lol God...that's painful to think that it will only continue to dwindle..

I have my first alanon meeting tonight. I'm scared and excited - i might be picking your brain here and there on the whole staying happy thing between now and him getting better or me leaving - whenever all that may be. I was very happy as a single girl.

His problem is becoming a miserable obsession to me. I have to find my happy single girl self again - while hes passed out on the couch You give me a lot of hope - no matter what the future holds.

MendipMan

@itsmylifenow I am sorry you had to go through all that, and as an Alcoholic... I want to apologise on his behalf for the sh** you have had to suffer. Testimony is a vital part of helping people recover and helping people make the right informed decisions... thank you!!

ZiggyB

In my opinion you are playing with fire... and things will likely get worse if you did get married. And are you planning to have kids? Would you want them to grow up with an alcoholic father? I wasn't even living with my axbf and he put me through hell. They will always love the bottle more than you or anything else.

Mightyqueen801

I wish I had left sooner. I wasted so many years of my life with my ex husband. Divorced now for ten years, and he's still merrily drinking.

The odds are against you being happy in this relationship.

djayr

Hello, since you asked, I will answer: it won't stay great, wish I had left sooner, in particular wish I hadn't married at all. You hear the word "progressive" - it is absolutely true. Take the worst times you have had so far (embarrassing situations, cleaning up his messes, worrisome behavior), then imagine 2x, 3x, 5x, and eventually 10x worse - things you cannot imagine, from incredible embarrassments at huge occasions, to unthinkable medical emergencies, to legal and financial problems.

This is what progressive means...right down to him wetting the bed, acting outrageous, becoming someone you love and hate at the same time.

Whoever you are now, you will not recognize yourself in another 10 or 20 years.

That's not how it always works out, there are exceptions, but when I read stories like yours when you are still blessed to be single, no kids, and smart enough to have already noticed that something may be very wrong, I like to say: RUN.

Take what you like and leave the rest...sorry if this came out harsh...

tigerlilly4

Everyone wants to believe their relationship is the exception, and maybe it can be...but at what cost to you? To your dreams? To your integrity?

I had a similar story to you. My ex had so many fantastic qualities...if only he wouldn't drink! I went back and forth to him many times during a five-year period. He even went to rehab twice and got sober. But the pattern always repeated itself. Every time I thought, "This is it! He's really serious this time!" only to wind up in the same position again and again. The pain I experienced -- financially, emotionally and physically -- make me cringe to think about. I wasted so much energy on someone who simply could not care.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. People show us who they are with their actions and choices...why not believe them? If where you invest your blood, sweat and tears is not consistent with the person you want to be, you'll never become that person. If your boyfriend is not investing his blood, sweat and tears into recovery, he will never recover.

Moreover, it's important to remember that your sacrifice deepens your commitment. Make sure the person you're sacrificing for is worthy of that commitment. Find someone whose happiness is worth devoting yourself to!