onceuponadream

So at this point I've isolated myself pretty good (as a good codependent would right?) ... I don't have many friends anymore (beyond acquaintances) and my family RARELY talks about feelings so things are pretty on the surface with them...except for my older sister who I've divulged everything (almost) too because she is all that I have right now...basically I've told her everything except for the part about alcohol...yup, I'm still having a hard time climbing out of this hole of denial. AH decided to go to an AA meeting the other day and he's asking me not to tell anyone about it...but I feel like a lot of the puzzle pieces would fit together for my sister if I let her in on this other piece of what's been going on and I really need SOMEBODY to talk to (besides my therapist)...do you keep their secret for them? I'm tired of pretending like everything is happy happy joy joy to the outside world when its really so awful inside....

choublak

Well, I'd say go ahead and tell her, but I don't know your family dynamics. Does word spread fast?

Katiekate

Personally , if it were me, if my sister were my friend and confidant, I feel I would have the right to tell her all.

If my AH told me not to tell anyone, I would make it clear to him that my sister is someone I trust, I need her for support, I would let him know that she knows everything that goes on in my life.

Alcoholics feel that it is a betrayal to talk to anyone, I kept the secret in my family of origin for years, it is unfair to be asked promise not to talk to anyone. I felt a lot of shame, as if I wasn't suppose to tell because somehow I was responsible. I do have a friend that I trust, I tell her anything, it is unwritten that what we talk about is confidential, she as never broken a trust.

Just my take, others may feel differntly. If your motivation is not vengeful, then I see nothing wrong with it.

choublak

There are several recovering alcoholics in my extended family, and the family as a whole is of the attitude that alcoholism isn't something to be ashamed of. LOL @ calling it "the dirty little secret"...

CentralOhioDad

There have been several posts regarding this same thing, one that's close to the top of boards currently, and it was also part of a thread I started awhile ago.

Everyone who thinks that my bing-drinking MIL is the sweetest thing in the world, I want to pit it out there on the front pages. But, what purpose would it serve. If there is someone with whom you can confide, then maybe, but a secret is no longer a secret when more then one person knows about it.

I got this quote from somewher on this site: "I cannot destroy another person without inflicting great damage on myself."

JrsJourney

OH YES I remember those days. They feel like crap. Sorry you are feeling stuck and keeping "secrets". I am an ACoA (adult child of alcoholism) so my feelings on this stem all the way back to my childhood. I married an A and there were secrets there too. The only place I have felt freedom from all this secret keeping is by going to Alanon and AA. I sat and listened for a reallllllllly long time. I never spoke at first (and the cool thing is you can go to tons of meetings and NOT talk). I did come to learn that, by going to a bunch of different kinds of meetings, that so many have the same story as me. It made me feel like i wasn't so alone in this whole secret keeping game. I finally was able to relax and start talking. MAN it felt GREAT to get stuff out!! Surrounding yourself with Alanon people (I preferred to go to the all women meetings and started sharing there) is such a gift. I think my own recovery really got rolling when I finally opened my mouth and started talking. You know I didn't even say much DURING the meetings. I found the most support either BEFORE or AFTER the meetings. I ended up finding a circle of trust. A handful of women who I started calling and texting and asking advice (first on little things). Once I finally got a sponsor healing began in leaps and bounds!!! I feel like she is my "soul sister". It was really important to find someone who really understood and her story really mirrored my story (ACoA, RAH). I'm not sure if you have discovered Alanon meetings in your area yet but if you haven't try them. Go to as many as you can and see which ones you like the best. I also went to a ton of AA meetings (mostly open meetings, Combination couple meetings AA/Alanon together, and celebration meetings) I have to say the sunday night celebration meetings were real eye openers for me. There was no discussion in those meetings. We sat and listened to 2 different people share their story. Most of the sharing was from people who had 5, 10 or 15 years of sobriety. Only a few have had fewer years then that. Just sitting and listening to the stories of what people lived and the stuff they did really helped me understand that we all have things in common. WE are not alone. It's okay. Other's have been there and done that...some stories were not as bad as mine but honestly most stories are so much worse than I could ever imagine. So, anyways, that's what I did...that's how I got past the whole keeping secret thing. I'm telling you it is the most freeing experience to be able to sit down and tell my sponsor serious stuff and know she understands and is not judging.

Sorry this became such a long post. Just wanted to share my experience, strength and hope. Have a wonderful day

dollydo

IMO the more secrets we codies have the sicker we become. I like to deal my cards straight up, no hidden agendas.

I don't go around shooting my mouth off, but, when asked, I do tell the truth. I don't like lieing, whether it be by ommission or commission.

FireSprite

Yes, my thoughts exactly. I can't lie well anyway, so it benefits me all around to be truthful.

Honestly, I never stopped to consider AH's feelings about outting his 'secret'.... because I feel like once his secret started inflicting collateral damage, it wasn't "his" anymore.

That said, if he were abusive toward me or DD, our safety would have had to come first if I felt like there would be repercussions to telling... while I worked on Plan B to get away.

ShootingStar1

It's your life, too. And unfortunately, his alcoholism is a big part of what your life is like. You deserve to express yourself freely and fully about your life experience. And that includes living with an alcoholic.

I agree with others, that you don't have to do this from the rooftops. Your sister is very close to you, and her support would be invaluable for you in these tough days.

BothSidesNow

velma929

This is part of your life. You should be able to share it with your sister.

I summoned up my courage to share with a friend after AH's death...only to have him reply that he'd known about the alcoholism all along. I had a colleague who didn't let on to anyone how miserably her husband treated her...only to have friends and family ask, "What took you so long?" when she decided to leave. Don't be surprised if she already heard from other sources, or she's inferred the situation from what you haven't said.

fourmaggie

Secrets keep us SICK...

i work my 12 step program, and NOT ashamed of it...i work hard to where i am...

are you going to a 12 step program? you know your sister can go also..its for anyone anywhere who wants to change......