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Selfish and Entitled; Low Self-Esteem and Clarity

Old 08-30-2012, 08:29 AM
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Selfish and Entitled; Low Self-Esteem and Clarity

Selfish and entitled is kind of a theme around here, no?

There was a part of me that knew that I had relationships with a lot of damaged and disordered people. I guess I thought I didn't have anything to offer to normies. With all the time and energy being put into healing and changing my thoughts and feelings about myself, so much clarity has come into my life. Clarity and humor!

I've never had a clearer picture of how alcoholics and codependents work than recently, watching my in-laws do the codependent dance around my thirty-year-old alcoholic sister-in-law, who has a graduate degree in selfish and entitled. The parents-in-law are lifetime hobbyists of the codependent lifestyle, with generations of addiction behind them. What's particularly sad is that they are so invested in keeping up the facade of a nice, middle-class family that they absolutely will not acknowledge the role that drug and alcohol use has played in their lives, their parents lives, or their kids' lives. Even though my husband went through a pretty dramatic rehab cycle for two years and finally came out clean on the other side (touch wood) they have had the blinders on. It's like none of it happened.

Being right next to the alcoholic like I was with my RAH was really disorienting and I had a tendency to take every quack to heart. I've been focusing a lot of therapeutic work on myself and what it is exactly I want, and what traumas made me make the crappy choices I did in love and relationships to lead me where I am. But it's also really clued me in to how close I've been to toxic behavior and people and how I fed on the anxiety and drama of it all, especially being able to "help" and "fix" other people's problems. (Like I didn't have any. Ha!)

The latest drama was ASIL leaving her car parked in the parking lot where they hold the Farmer's Market after a weekend bender. Saturday morning at 5am, my FIL gets a phone call from the police telling him to come get the car or it's getting towed. Of course he got in the car at 5am, drove several miles into town, moved the car, and left her a message to let her know where he'd moved it to. She didn't get the message until 2pm, when she finally woke up.

Why do I care? Because the in-laws want to keep telling us these stories about her crazy hijinks like they're harmless fun (what's fun and crazy at 21 is sad at 30). They also bought her a car and are helping her finance a house, because they think these things will make her more responsible.

In hindsight, the obvious thing to do is to say that I, or we as a couple (my RAH agrees with me), don't want to know about the ASIL's latest drunken shenanigans anymore. At the time, both of us blurted out, almost in unison, "You shouldn't pick up the car anymore." It's not the first time. The in-laws had a lot of excuses as to why the car should be moved, she needs help, it's not her fault, it's no big deal. I think my FIL really likes to be the fixer, and that as long as his family has needs, he will try to anticipate and fill them, to their detriment.

It was instructive to me about the lies we codependents tell ourselves to believe that everything is okay, when everything is obviously not okay, and how we help addiction along by refusing to let the addicts face the consequences of their addiction.

I thought I'd share. Peace.
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Old 08-30-2012, 08:41 AM
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WOW is right...

i have to think about the "old timers" in the way they think ....
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Old 08-30-2012, 09:47 AM
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Thank you so much for sharing that, Florence. I cannot tell you how very much I needed to read this today. Thank you Thank you Thank you!
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