mdh0723

My AH left me back in February (for the 3rd time). If you want to read our history, please read my first post on SR. Not only is he an alcoholic, but he a “runner” too – and I’m not talking "throw on a pair of Nike’s and go to the park" ... I’m talking about running from EVERYTHING that requires responsibility and commitment.

So, after he left in February, I started to work on me. I was headed in the right direction when out of the blue I get an e-mail from him wanting to see me. I would love to sit here and tell you that I was super strong and said NO WAY, but I didn’t. I BOLTED to his new pad. He said all of the right things (I “looked great”, “sounded great” and he “missed me”). But he was also actually honest with me (he “wished he too was in a good place, but simply wasn’t”). **JUST AS A SIDE NOTE, MY AH ADMITS THAT HE IS AN ALCOHOLIC, BUT THERE IS ALWAYS THE “BUT” AS TO WHY HE DOESN’T GET HELP **. Anyway, all of my codependency issues came flooding back and I figured that this time would be different – that we could get through this together – that I could help him.

So, we started “dating” again – he seemed to be attentive, caring and loving (to a certain degree). But slowly the distance, the coldness, the anger started coming back. Anytime I expressed a need that I had, you would have thought I was asking for the world (when in fact I was asking for something a “normal” relationship gives without having to be asked for!). As much as my heart did not want to admit it, I was starting to realize that nothing changed ~ he simply called me because he was alone and needed someone.

Well, I guess I asked for his attention one too many times because he ended it again with me about 2 weeks ago. The whole PHONE CALL was bizarre. He started off talking about moving to a new place (which would cause him to break the year lease he was in, but according to him “who cares, my credit sucks anyway” – SEE “RUNNER” – PARAGRAPH ONE) and then stopped suddenly and went into “us” – he’s not an affectionate person, never will be and will not change for me. Meeting me in the middle was not an option and if I wanted to have a good marriage “I needed to learn to shut-up”. HUH??? I politely hung up the phone, went to the bathroom, puked, called him back and said “Well, it sounds as if you have said what you needed to say” and he said “Pretty much! Gotta go get some dinner”. And that was it -- haven’t heard from him since.

Every other time he left, I have hit the floor – not running, but crying. Completely devastated, couldn’t function, not eating, not sleeping, etc. But for some reason, not this time. I’m not going to lie … it HURTS and I’m having lots of ups and downs … but I’m functioning and I’m living and I’m eating and I’m sleeping! And while I would still love a miracle, I know now that I need to LISTEN when he tells me he ISN’T IN A HEALTHY SPOT. No, no you’re not, my love – not even close.

I have fought the fight. I know that the only battalion I need to be commander over is my own. I can’t make him love me, I can’t make him commit to me and I can’t make him get help.

So, I was all set to give him the final piece of paperwork for our divorce – a simple paper that requires our signature. I’m not going to lie, it’s SCARY - BIG TIME. Over the weekend I prayed for a clear picture of what my next steps should be – and then on Sunday I go to church … my Pastors message? It was all about MARRIAGE … forgiveness, hard work and reconciliation – he literally ended with “Before you decide to give-up, please try God’s path!” WHAT? Was that my “clear picture” – to fight more?

It’s a very difficult thing to balance life, faith, love and reality ... and addiction! My mind tells me one thing, my heart tells me another, I hear another, I’m told another … no wonder we, at times, are hot messes.

I’m not even sure where the heck I’m going with this other than to say I’M CONFUSED and I just need support. I need support from people that know what I’m going through!!! I need to hear encouragement, tough words, reminders about alcoholics ... why is this so hard??

MsPINKAcres

((mdh))
my Pastors message? It was all about MARRIAGE … forgiveness, hard work and reconciliation – he literally ended with “Before you decide to give-up, please try God’s path!” WHAT? Was that my “clear picture” – to fight more?

my understanding of this is that this requires two healthy people trying for the same goal ~ for me I knew that I couldn't make a marriage work by myself ~

my exah was unwilling and unable to do his part to contribute to the relationship ~ I had done everything in my power to try to make it a healthy marriage, but I am unable to do HIS part for him ~

For me, that released me from any obligations I had toward making my marriage work ~ I knew the God of my understanding didn't want me to be in an abusive situation any longer ~ He had much better planned for me.

Today my life is proof of those miracles ~

I pray your God's very best for you!!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

owathu

Oh sweetie, this reminds me so much of my AH. I am as much as fault for going back so so many times. Each time he ran, I was left with having to put my life together again, piece by piece. I thought marrying him would stop the running, it didn't. I completely understand 100% where you are coming from, because you guys got back together so much after they ran, you never moved on, because each time, you were hoping he would come back, and he did, and I guarantee he will again.

Only you can stop the merry go round. I have to as well, and trust me, this is probably the hardest thing I am dealing with right now, knowing that I am the one who is going to have to make it permanent. And it's killing me.

I just can't anymore. I can't find myself here again, ever. So, I am actually moving through and really, truly grieving the end of US, instead of hoping that he'll come back. I don't want him back. But there is that little part of me that is wishing that he would go, get sober, be single and become healthy. I just don't think he has it in him. So, I have to say NO. No more. I spent almost 10 years grieving him repeatedly, over and over again. And it's just too much. I'm tired and I want a normal life. You can do it too. But it has to come from you, from your end point. No one else will be able to know when that point is for you. Figure out what it is. The biggest problem is giving up hope, I know, I am trying to do it now. Past behavior on the part of my AH has shown me exactly how it will be the next time, if I allow it. I will no longer allow it.

laurie6781

(((((mdh)))))

my Pastors message? It was all about MARRIAGE … forgiveness, hard work and reconciliation – he literally ended with “Before you decide to give-up, please try God’s path!” WHAT? Was that my “clear picture” – to fight more?

I agree with MsPinkAcres, your Pastor's message is about TWO people BOTH working on the Marriage. You might want to go talk to your Pastor, and ask him to expound more to you on what to do when only ONE (you) has been willing to give their all to make the marriage work? I do believe you will get a bit different explanation than what you thought he was saying and I do believe your Pastor will be able to help greatly with your 'confusion' of the moment.

To me, the Vows stated in the Marriage Ceremony by both parties is a CONTRACT of partnership, wherein each partner is literally agreeing to give 120%. When one person in the partnership refuses or cannot fulfill their end, they have broken the contract. I think your Pastor will help you 'settle' this dilemma that is going on in your head and you will be able to move forward with your divorce.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Tuffgirl

This. Write this down - carry it in a place you can read it whenever you feel hurt, confused, or tempted to reach out.

And maybe you should try God's path...because it doesn't seem to me that God's path for you regarding marriage includes someone who is not emotionally nor physically present.

P.S. Its hard because it hurts like a son of a b. And because there is always that little gremlin voice in the back of our minds still living the "if only..." fantasy.

mdh0723

Owathu - that statement is huge and really tugged at my heart. Divorce is NOT something I want, but something I know deep inside is inevitable. I can't uphold a marriage by myself, but just like you, the fact that I'M going to be the "bad gal", when it is totally against what I truly want, is killing me too. But sadly, what I want, who I want, what I need, who I need is NOT there ... and may never be there. His actions, repeatedly, have SHOWN me that.

A friend recently said to me "You have tried everything to make this marriage work. You gave it 150%. Walking away is the ONLY thing you have not yet done. What if it's the one thing he needs and you're not letting him have that?". She's right.

"The less you plug into the alcoholic's nightmare, the more it becomes his nightmare and not yours. This gives him the dignity to resolve it for himself, if he chooses to. It also frees you to make healthy decisions in your own life, with the relationships you have that are healthy and need your attention and love" - SO VERY TRUE.

Wishin my heart didn't ache, but I guess that's part of the process.