Sadconfused

ABF informed me last night at dinner that his A mother wants to come stay here for a week before she goes back to the west coast. He found this out sat and didn't tell me. I asked him why and he said because she was drinking again and he wasn't sure if he wanted her to come. I in no way, shape, or form want her to, I don't need 2 a's, much less a mother/son combo who are both just a like. She has never met my daughter and I don't really care for her to, that makes me sound like a b@&$* but it is what it is.

Anyways he was pretty drunk by 9 when he decided to call her and I'm sure she was as well. He was asking her if she was and giving her the speech I have given him so many times. It was really weird hearing him tell her all the same things I tell him. He also told her that he was in the same boat and that I was getting sick of his crap and that he had to stop. I don't get it, he clearly understands somewhat how I feel since he feels the same way with his mom yet it does nothing to help his behavior. He was talking about her after he got off the phone and said something about not being able to rationalize with her and I couldn't help to say yea welcome to my world : / it's impossible to rationalize with an irrational person which is why I don't bother anymore. I wish I could say that I had hope that this might open his eyes se but I don't. Sadly I think he will end up just like her. I'm sure my post is all over the place much like my thoughts. It amazes me that so many things I once seen as unacceptable has become normal in my life once again.

Sadconfused

At one point ABF even told her that it didn't even matter what he said to her because the conversation would mean nothing in the morning. I don't know how many times I have said this to him. There is no point talking to him after 9. The person I know is gone after 9 and doesn't return until the morning. It's really sad to see someone follow the same path and hurt the ones who love him the same way he is being hurt.

Pelican

Can you and your daughter find somewhere to stay while she is visiting
OR
Can the mom stay at a hotel and visit during the day when she might be sober?

djayr

You must be dumbfounded at the double standard, that he is smart enough to diagnose, understand, and deal with his mom -- yet is oblivious and lacking empathy for you having to deal with him.

I see this all the time with AW. We watch the show Intervention, she is there drunk, giving advice (good advice actually) to both the addicts and the codependents! But when I apply the identical wisdom to her, she is resentful. What the heck is that all about? Talk about a blind spot!

JenT1968

Of course you don't want yet another alcoholic in your home: entirely reasonable, not a B*$£@ at all.

and yes, ridiculous and stressful to listen to, I wouldn't put myself through that.

I'd say he understands entirely how you feel but it doesn't matter in terms of changing his behaviour.

How do you feel about that?

can you accept that nothing you say or do, or don't say or don't do is going to make any difference to whether he gets help and makes changes?

how do you feel about that?

sorry for the questions, not asking you to explain yourself to me, but interesting things to think about.

Lulu39

This is the truth in my life.

You are powerless over their addiction.

Totally powerless.

choublak

Simple. It's easier to give out advice to others because it's just talking. Applying it to yourself means actually having to DO the work. I think everyone is like this to some extent.

Sadconfused

I honestly think it will fall through, she has said she was coming up at least 20 times in the 2 yrs since my daughter was born and never has. She has no planned place to stay when she moves cause neither of her 2 kids who live there are willing to let her stay with them cause of all the crap she has put them through. If she does come my bigger fear is that she would stay. ABF drives me crazy but he seems normal compared to her. I will most def be looking into a hotel but from what the other siblings have told me, she is pretty much drunk all the time and if not she is shaking and sick.

I'm not sure how I feel anymore, I've become pretty numb to emotion. I don't know happy, sad, mad, etc. Nothing shocks me and I always expect the worse. I told him last night that he should take his own advice, he agrees of course yet it did nothing to stop him from drinking an unknown amount of beer last night and passing out on the couch at 10 leaving me to bath and get our kid in bed alone. I've pretty much accepted there is no helping or changing him and I have accepted its over, I jyst have to work on me and getting him out of my life. I need distance so I don't have to watch him destroy himself, through it all that has been the most painful part.

Sadconfused

He is a very smart man though I must say, he asked me last night " what is the very first thing you about in the morning when you wake up?" I didn't have an answer, I've never really paid a great deal of attention to the first thought of the day. So this morning when I got up my very first thought was of my daughter and then dread for what the day might hold. That says it all for me, my daughter is first above anyone or anything else.

He never clarified what his dirt thought might be, but I have a pretty good ideal.....

Sadconfused

Very very true! I could easily see someone in the same situation as me and give them great advice but to actually take that advice myself and put it into action has clearly proven to be difficult. It's easier to see and dish out advice for others flaws or problems than to do so for ourselfs. It was an enlightening moment that's for sure.