TakingCharge999

Venting...

Episode 1:

So I see my mom after more than a year of not seeing her! and after the first greetings she asks if I still have my cats

I say "yes" (of course I have them!! they are my family)

And she answers: "I just read cats do not help depressed people, in fact people with cats suicide more than people without them"


This is not a normal comment to make to your daughter, is it?


Episode 2:

I say I plan to finish my 2nd career and get a Masters degree overseas, maybe UK. I mention the tuition is cheaper than I initially thought for a well known university.

My sister says in a pejorative manner: "well that is the tuition only, how on Earth are you going to pay for accommodation and food?"




I guess expecting a normal conversation is too much to ask.




Thanks for letting me vent.

In the end, I realize we all live in our own little worlds. But these phrases made me understand more why I feel like jello often, where my insecurities come from. Sheesh.

dandylion

WoW, takingcharge. You have some good insight. Did you ask them to pause a minute while you removed the knife from your back?

I empathize with you because I have been crying this evening due to some hurtful crap from my family of origin. After all these years, they can still rattle my cage. I have come to understand the dynamics better, though. My biggest mistake is that I wish I had understood how messed up they were. I spent so much of my time beating up on myself because I assumed the problems were with me. I think I was the family "scapegoat", and I bought into that when I was younger. Sooo many oceans of useless tears!

At least, if you have some insight, and know where they are being dysfunctional---you will, at least know where to detach. Don't follow in my foot steps and beat yourself up over their shortcomings.

Nobody can hurt us as much as our loved ones--huh?

dandylion

LifeRecovery

I am finding that as much as I love my family they are the hardest place for me to hold onto my well learned/earned lessons of growth.

Awareness
Acceptance
Action

It has taken me a long time to even realize that my family was not "normal." Longer to realize how worked up (even with all the recovery under me) I get when I see them.

Finally I am starting to understand (therapy session yesterday) how outside driven I am.

If I feel something internally, and someone outside of me says something incongruent to that...to make my world congruent I always default to the outside of me.

Now I am aware of it and I get to work on the other parts.

Hypatia

You know all that talk around here about detaching from your partner with love?

The same technique works really well with families.

Freedom1990

Indeed it does. I no longer go to the hardware store for bread, and that includes dealing with my mother.

Also, when insecurity pops up in my life (which it does from time to time), I have inventory to take and inner work to deal with those insecurities. I no longer blame family members for whatever I'm dealing with at the moment. I just know that is what has worked for me.

Sending you hugs of support!

fourmaggie

i guess we really choose our attitudes eh?

with mom...i learned some phrases in time...like one that is used alot is: thats your opinion, there are many...stuff like that...
I am wondering why though, why you didnt say something to your mom about YOUR cats? to me there is something MORE going on than just the cats...

This is not a normal comment to make to your daughter, is it?....I would have said that to her...

and as for your sister..."thanks for the concern about me" would stop short in her tracks...

in AL ANON we need to learn not to take it personal...they are what they are...thats all

gerryP

Maybe I'm playing devils advocate- I know its difficult when we begin to dream of the course we want our future to take and we have a family member quash that with a comment. However, it is incredibly expensive to live in London even as a student. Perhaps your sister was just trying to bring you around to reality. For example, if you really do want/plan to move to London for school, you would need to make that decision based on knowing how you would support yourself and know having information already researched-maybe also have a job lined up. Didn't your sister tell you that she would help support you financially if you needed it when you left your engineering job? Maybe she was trying to tell you gently that she wouldn't be supporting you indefinitely. (if you lived in London)

As far the the Cats go and suicide-Hmm. I think if you found a friendly crocodile it would support the evidence that having an animal/reptile helps those with depression. Have you ever had a dog? They certainly get you up and out even when you don't feel like it, rain or shine. Mine stands over me at 6 am while I am still sleeping because It's a New Day! (arrg) I can feel his breathing on my face. He waits for me to open my eyes and if i don't within a few minutes, I get a gentle sweep of his paw. Are ya wake??

Tuffgirl

Interject humor into these episodes... I assure you dealing with controlling people with humor is far more fun than fretting about it all!

Episode 1: Interesting, I read a story about a (person) who had cats and when (that person) tried to commit suicide, the cats dialed 911 (or whatever your emergency line is). Cats are soooo smart!

Episode 2: I was thinking of selling my body for extra cash (dramatic eye roll)...

Is it normal you ask...define normal...all families have dysfunction in them. I come from a family of opinionated over achievers. When I told my folks at a family dinner that I was going to work on a 2nd master's degree, my brother scoffed at my field of study and said "why don't you get a real degree, like engineering" and my response was "because I don't want to end up being a huge dork like you" (no offense engineers here on the board, he's my brother, I couldn't resist...!)

TakingCharge999

Thanks SR friends for the support! no its not about blame, its about realizing stuff; not because of these episodes I am not making my own inventory.

gerry my sister is not supporting me per se, she sent me some money and I agreed to pay her back every single cent. I have lived and studied abroad and in my country and supported myself many years, we have gone together to UK as well. I never implied for her to pay me anything in the future or that anything was free in this life! I guess my problem was to expect encouragement, as Freedom says, bread from a HW store. Also, one thing is to mention other stuff like you said, the other the tone of the message. She basically said "don't kid yourself, you will never be able to do it". That was my issue..

As you all said, time to apply the tools here at home as well. In any case I know I won't be seeing them soon again, so I am doing my best letting go of what is not working for me...

Thanks for listening!!

TakingCharge999

fourmaggie your intuition is right .. I remembered, my mom got toxoplasmosis when she was pregnant with my sister.. so she HATES all cats. I can imagine how scary it was for her (although she got it from stray cats)

Impurrfect

((TC)) - since I LIVE in dysfunction junction, I try REALLY hard to just say "hmmmm" when they say something I don't agree with or if I feel it's a jab at me. I don't always succeed, there are times we have screaming fights but they are rare now. My dad is VERY opinionated and he expects everyone to agree with him. I finally tell him "you're entitled to your opinion and I'm entitled to mine" and I walk away.

I know how it wears you out, dealing with this stuff, but the more you get away from the conversation quick, the better it gets. Trust me, "hmmmm" or "that's interesting" and walking away works pretty good. If they follow you, lock yourself in a room and say "I'm done TALKING now!!!"...sigh.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

TakingCharge999

Hugs Impurrfect, thanks! I will try the tactic if needed...

I guess living by myself I did not have to use the tools often (at least not in close relationships) and it took me off guard.

I should be more grateful, I HAVE a family, they are well & alive. For some reason I do not feel grateful.

I am asking God to help me ignore my ego and let me be more in touch with my real self.

I was thinking when I go back to my new place by myself and I will be sad I am no longer with them! talk about neurosis.

Fathom

Hugs, TC.

I know I've had similar conversations with some of my family members, and it is often difficult to understand just where those comments are coming from. They aren't always about you, like you said with your mom's general feelings regarding cats. But, it's really difficult to not taking discouraging comments like that personally. My (socially inept) aunt asked me a few years ago, while my entire family was standing around my newly-deceased grandmother in the hospital, if I regretted moving out of the state for grad school because I wasn't around her very much for the last few years of her life. What the heck was that about?! I have not really forgiven her for that insensitivity, but I do know that it stemmed from some warped insecurity within her that has actually nothing to do with me. I'm still working on not taking it personally.

Also, my brother commented on some potential financial drawbacks this last time I chose to move out of the state away from my family. Your sisters comment reminded me of that. I think he was just trying to come up with a reason for me not to move so far away. I bet your sister likes having you nearer. Maybe that's all it is?

Peace,
Fathom

TakingCharge999

Thank you for your empathy Fathom.

My mom's comment reminded me of another friend's, she said "we have to look for ways for you to get rid of the cats".

I was wondering why she said that ... then I remembered one member of her family had a son who looked like a cat and meowed like a cat .. some weird disease.

I have told both of them my doc. sees nothing wrong in cats. But they still think they will cause me some harm. I guess we have to agree to disagree and that's the end of it.


I was remembering another comment a "friend" said recently, which I found hurtful. I remembered it like remembering these comments - ok, its ONE comment, none of these people are not constantly attacking me or being abusive. I realized I am focusing on the negative and also being too harsh with all of them. BECAUSE I am negative about myself and I judge myself way too harshly as well.

Lightbulb moment over here at 4 am... (thanks Freedom for reminding me about my own inventory... I was kind of defensive earlier)

TakingCharge999

I don't know why, but my mom and sister fell sick today. And we have eaten exactly the same stuff the last days so I am not sure what it is. My mom said it was probably emotional.

So I am thinking "thank God, maybe by being humble and observing my negative feelings beforehand, I did not have to fall ill in order to acknowledge them".

TakingCharge999

Fathom, your aunt's comment was very inappropriate, I would have been very upset as well. Death and guilt go together very often.. over here, my uncles try to make us feel guilty because we don't go to the cemetery to "visit" grandma.. but to me, she is not there.. her spirit is with God and I 'tell her' things in my mind.. specifically I have asked her to forgive me for my mistakes and my immaturity.

Maybe your aunt and my uncles feel guilty about something and are projecting, in their denial.


Thanks for your comment about your brother... well, my sister lives in France, if I go somewhere nearby we would be closer! (we are from Mexico originally). BUT what I think is happening is that she has been the star of the family: her career has made her travel everywhere, she married a rich guy in the oil business and they are very much in love, she had the first kid and looking for the second..

And I am here, 30, single, without excelling at anything in particular... from job to job in IT.. currently without a cent... loser boyfriends+addicted boyfriends.. bad financial choices.. two cats.. :S BUT I have done small appearances in the artistic world: already shown some clothing at a runway and now preparing a fashion collection; some theater lessons; exhibited a 'contemporary art piece' and some illustrations in different parts of my country, just going to publish some photographs and an article in a small magazine.. :S

I kind of sense my sister envies the kind of freedom I have and the stabs at the artistic world I have taken... and perhaps the lack of 'pressure' to be perfect as my parents already know my life is messy, I never wanted kids and probably I won't be adding any grandkids to the family, I am not even close to becoming rich nor marrying anyone rich ... they all swear they don't care about these things but I know they do. MAYBE its that.. that she needs to keep being the star and if I am remotely successful at my 2nd career it may rob attention??


Just rambling here. But I feel better about it all. .it really helps writing things down... thanks friends

dandylion

NO-NO-NO, takingCharge999. Don't give your own self a hard time for your feelings. You see, they are already giving you a hard time and causing you to feel bad---don't join them and make yourself feel even worse. You are human and your feelings are normal.

You ARE NOT neurotic because you are sad and miss your family. After some of the most hurtful interactions with my family while on a visit, I have cried my eyes out because down deep I love them and miss them and wish that things were different.

It is HUMAN to get caught off guard, especially when you were hoping for a positive response and got a boot in the face. Who can always be poised and ready for that? Don't fall into the trap of blaming the victim---esp. if you are the victim, yourself.

I congratulate you on the wisdom of knowing that striving to be in touch with your authentic inner self is the antidote to the sometimes misery of the "ego driven world" . That sounds pretty wise from someone of your age.

Over time, and maybe with some understanding of the dynamics of why they are the way they are, you will be able to arrive at easier detachment and acceptance. But, for right now, at least be very kind and not so judgemental of your own self.

I wish someone would have told me this when I was your age. It would have saved me so much suffering---much of which was from my own hands.

Enjoy everything there is to savor in the UK!!!

dandylion

dandylion

TakingCharge, I must tell you this story, related by Jay Leno (from late-night talk show), about his family. He says that his mother, especially, feared that he would never be able to make a living and support himself (especially in show-business). He had just finished his first year of television (with a several year contract signed) and was making tons of money.

He told his mother that they would not be filming the show over the summer. She asked him, in alarm, "Oh My, what will you be doing for work?!"

dandylion

CeciliaV

Ain't family grand?! They seem to have special skills to hit us just where it hurts. I love my family, but man...can they really get to me at times! I'm not sure whether they mean it or if they just have a partially inserted brain-to-mouth filter, but sometimes the things they say can just gut me and leave me agape. My mom is especially "skilled" at this. I suspect that she's jealous of the lives that me and my sister lead - she's quite smart and she definitely didn't get to put her smarts to their full potential in her career, and it shows in how she treats us sometimes. She's also fickle and quite sensitive - just last year, she decided that we don't love her and support her enough and we don't do enough for her, so she decided to not talk to us for almost a month. This comes after I spent probably close to 100 hours researching family land abroad, all in a language that I don't understand, mind you! My sister had DARED to suggest to my mom that she lay off me a bit and understand that keeping me on the phone for 2-3+ hours multiple times a week to go through land records and giving me deadlines of having to put in 20+ hours of research weekly (I work full time) was a bit much....harumph, the NERVE!

I do have to add though...yes, my family does drive me crazy, but they are the only family I have. I don't think they hurt me intentionally, and over the years, I've learned to counter with just the right amount of sarcastic replies to let them know when they need to lay off. And I'm glad I actually have a family that loves me enough to make me batty. Dear AH's parents have been out of his life for 20+ years, and whenever I complain about my family, he reminds me that I HAVE a family to complain about.

Fathom

Ha! Oops. I'm sorry, I didn't know the whole history. But, I have seen the work you've shared with us so far, and I have really enjoyed it! You have the freedom now to follow whatever directions you choose in life, and I have to say that that is a beautiful thing. Keep your focus on what feels right to you, for you, and let everyone else stew in their own madness if that's what they choose.

I think I heard it from you first...
"What others think of me is really none of my business." I guess we should add, "even if they are my family."

Peace,
Fathom