Beginning Again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 20
Beginning Again
Hi Everyone,
Something has been stirring in my soul for months now. I had forgotten who I am and lost myself. I have been with my alcoholic husband for 24 years of marriage and three years of dating. I realized he was an alcoholic before I married him but thought I could change him. One day I came across Al-anon and became a member for about 5 years but that was 20 years ago. I left my AH 4 times and would do well and then get scared and dependent and get back together with him. Fifteen years ago our middle son was killed in a car crash and i blamed myself, thought God was punishing me for leaving my AH and dating someone else. I swore I would never look at another man or leave my husband again. Well now 15 years later, I am so far in the pit that I cant take it anymore. He owns his own business and depends on me to work there and to do all the business/accounting end of the business. Of course I have never been paid, all the income goes into the business account and we have strugged to make ends meet for several years. When we are not working together, we enjoy each other during the day, until the drinking begins. He never drinks on a weekday until evening and he thinks that makes him not an alcoholic. The evenings are spent with him drinking till he is drunk and falls asleep. We have separate bedrooms and even though I go into his room many many nights we never have relations because he gets drunk and falls asleep. Of course he blames me that I am in menopause and so forth. I have caught him watching porn in the middle of the night too many times to count but he never touches me. We have taken a few weekend trips and he brings his bottle, same thing, nice motel room, he is asleep. I am lonely. I am sick and tired. I have been diagnosed with some health problems but many of them can be helped with good eating habits and a minor operation which he doesn't want me to have because I will miss time from his business. Our son lives at home. He is angry all the time and verbally abusive to me like his father. I do everything for the both of them and I have lost myself. The only affection I receive from my husband is a hug or kiss when he wants to manipulate me to do something for him. My son takes me for granted and would never think to hug me or say I love you. I have been having these stirring restless feelings and then I found this board and I have been reading and so many of the al-anon things I learned 20 years ago are resurfacing. I didn't realize how dead I have been inside. Right now I am supposed to be at work and instead I am typing this and I know he is furious that I haven't showed up so tonight the screaming will begin. But I don't care.
He knows I am very dependent. I don't drive too many places and he always takes me to the doctors. I do take myself shopping locally. I am not sure what I am attempting here yet because I think I just WOKE UP. I am 54 years old and can't image starting over after giving him the best years of my life when I was young and beautiful. Do I want to leave him? I am too scared for that. Its too soon. But I do know the rebellion is just beginning. I talked to a friend yesterday, the first time I have verbalized my dissastisfaction and she said you made a first step you opened up. So thank you for listening. I am looking forward to growing and finding my way.
Something has been stirring in my soul for months now. I had forgotten who I am and lost myself. I have been with my alcoholic husband for 24 years of marriage and three years of dating. I realized he was an alcoholic before I married him but thought I could change him. One day I came across Al-anon and became a member for about 5 years but that was 20 years ago. I left my AH 4 times and would do well and then get scared and dependent and get back together with him. Fifteen years ago our middle son was killed in a car crash and i blamed myself, thought God was punishing me for leaving my AH and dating someone else. I swore I would never look at another man or leave my husband again. Well now 15 years later, I am so far in the pit that I cant take it anymore. He owns his own business and depends on me to work there and to do all the business/accounting end of the business. Of course I have never been paid, all the income goes into the business account and we have strugged to make ends meet for several years. When we are not working together, we enjoy each other during the day, until the drinking begins. He never drinks on a weekday until evening and he thinks that makes him not an alcoholic. The evenings are spent with him drinking till he is drunk and falls asleep. We have separate bedrooms and even though I go into his room many many nights we never have relations because he gets drunk and falls asleep. Of course he blames me that I am in menopause and so forth. I have caught him watching porn in the middle of the night too many times to count but he never touches me. We have taken a few weekend trips and he brings his bottle, same thing, nice motel room, he is asleep. I am lonely. I am sick and tired. I have been diagnosed with some health problems but many of them can be helped with good eating habits and a minor operation which he doesn't want me to have because I will miss time from his business. Our son lives at home. He is angry all the time and verbally abusive to me like his father. I do everything for the both of them and I have lost myself. The only affection I receive from my husband is a hug or kiss when he wants to manipulate me to do something for him. My son takes me for granted and would never think to hug me or say I love you. I have been having these stirring restless feelings and then I found this board and I have been reading and so many of the al-anon things I learned 20 years ago are resurfacing. I didn't realize how dead I have been inside. Right now I am supposed to be at work and instead I am typing this and I know he is furious that I haven't showed up so tonight the screaming will begin. But I don't care.
He knows I am very dependent. I don't drive too many places and he always takes me to the doctors. I do take myself shopping locally. I am not sure what I am attempting here yet because I think I just WOKE UP. I am 54 years old and can't image starting over after giving him the best years of my life when I was young and beautiful. Do I want to leave him? I am too scared for that. Its too soon. But I do know the rebellion is just beginning. I talked to a friend yesterday, the first time I have verbalized my dissastisfaction and she said you made a first step you opened up. So thank you for listening. I am looking forward to growing and finding my way.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Welcome to SR, friend -- I hope you will find your way out of the pit soon; you've lived there long enough.
I can relate to a lot of what you say. I was married for 20 years to an alcoholic as well, and I recognize this:
I've been there. And I am glad to tell you that you didn't lose yourself forever. You can find yourself again. I did. And I'm glad you're digging up the Al-Anon literature, and I'm glad you're here. There is a wealth of information and much love here.
And 54 is not too old to start over. You're just a tad older than I am.
I can relate to a lot of what you say. I was married for 20 years to an alcoholic as well, and I recognize this:
I had forgotten who I am and lost myself.
And 54 is not too old to start over. You're just a tad older than I am.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
I lost myself too. I am also finding myself again, but not simply by being by myself, but by connecting to others in a normal way. I tried to live too much in the alcoholic's head, and my normal friendships and relations seemed less important.
Now I am back to placing importance on my other relationships. I think this is key to getting healthy again. Opening up to your friend was a very good first step. You need the normal thought pattern communication and connection that you will find with others who are not alcoholic, and that the alcoholic cannot give you because they are unable-they have lost that. You can unload best on others who have been there and understand--have you considered alanon? Other friends who don't understand alcoholism too often grow tired of hearing it, and don't know the methods that are used to help yourself heal. They are still great friends to have, but those friendships can be taxed or become problematic in themselves because they don't understand.
Another choice is individual counseling, especially if the counselor understands addiction. They may usually treat addiction, but they will certainly understand the other side of that also.
Yep on the porn thing, been there, done that. It is secondary to the alcoholism which you righty recognize as the main problem. For too many years I was focusing on my anger with the porn, and that was a mistake. I wasn't accepting to that he had a disease. It took me too long to accept that alcoholism is a progressive disease. Now I finally get it...watching his thinking patterns deteoriate over a decade finally led me to understand.
Congrats on the first steps to your new journey of rediscovery of self! You have been through the worst by ignoring your own needs, and with starting to address them, you can only begin to feel better about yourself.
Now I am back to placing importance on my other relationships. I think this is key to getting healthy again. Opening up to your friend was a very good first step. You need the normal thought pattern communication and connection that you will find with others who are not alcoholic, and that the alcoholic cannot give you because they are unable-they have lost that. You can unload best on others who have been there and understand--have you considered alanon? Other friends who don't understand alcoholism too often grow tired of hearing it, and don't know the methods that are used to help yourself heal. They are still great friends to have, but those friendships can be taxed or become problematic in themselves because they don't understand.
Another choice is individual counseling, especially if the counselor understands addiction. They may usually treat addiction, but they will certainly understand the other side of that also.
Yep on the porn thing, been there, done that. It is secondary to the alcoholism which you righty recognize as the main problem. For too many years I was focusing on my anger with the porn, and that was a mistake. I wasn't accepting to that he had a disease. It took me too long to accept that alcoholism is a progressive disease. Now I finally get it...watching his thinking patterns deteoriate over a decade finally led me to understand.
Congrats on the first steps to your new journey of rediscovery of self! You have been through the worst by ignoring your own needs, and with starting to address them, you can only begin to feel better about yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Pacific NW
Posts: 152
Hello and welcome.
I am right there with you sister feeling a bit lost. It seems there a lot of us at this crossroads of life and are at this age. I have been married for 28 years and am 50 years old. I am so sorry for the loss of your son. Just remember God is loving and is gentle and we are His children. He would never blame you. We have an enemy that loves to whisper into our thoughts things like this that can hold us captive, just like your husband is doing. You have many years to live life, and life is wonderful. Keep reading on this site. It will bring you much encouragement and you will realize that you are not alone.
grizz
I am right there with you sister feeling a bit lost. It seems there a lot of us at this crossroads of life and are at this age. I have been married for 28 years and am 50 years old. I am so sorry for the loss of your son. Just remember God is loving and is gentle and we are His children. He would never blame you. We have an enemy that loves to whisper into our thoughts things like this that can hold us captive, just like your husband is doing. You have many years to live life, and life is wonderful. Keep reading on this site. It will bring you much encouragement and you will realize that you are not alone.
grizz
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 342
(((HUGS))) Be kind and gentle to yourself on your journey. I hope you can take care of yourself and get the minor operation regardless of how your AH views it as time away. How very sad of him not to be looking out for your best interest.
SR as well as alanon, counseling, reading, meditation has been so helpful for me to get myself back. I am on this journey like you, one day at a time. Sometimes it is 1 minute or 1 hour. Awareness, Acceptance, Action has helped me a lot too.
SR as well as alanon, counseling, reading, meditation has been so helpful for me to get myself back. I am on this journey like you, one day at a time. Sometimes it is 1 minute or 1 hour. Awareness, Acceptance, Action has helped me a lot too.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 338
You are taking some important steps for ourself. Saying it out loud-it makes it real. You are coming out of the denial. 3 A's-awareness, Acceptance, Action. You are becoming aware of YOUR feelings and making them important. Coming to the board and Al Anon will help you accept what is your reality. Eventually you will know yourself more and be ready to take action. It is along process. I am 51. I've been married since I was 20. The thought of starting over is frightening. The last few years have been a time of personal growth for me even when I was kicking and screaming that I wanted my old life back. I have been able to see the positive in my life more clearly and feel there is a happy ending for me out there. I just haven't envisioned it fully yet.
Keep coming back. You are worth it.
Keep coming back. You are worth it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 20
Yesterday was the first day I did things that would please me. I appreciate everyone's advice and I have re-read it numerous times. This is definitely a wonderful support system. I am also looking for a local meeting. I spent the day by myself and did things. My mind is racing with hope and opportunities of activities I would like to do. I haven't been to work (his business)for two entire days and today will be the third if I have the nerve to go thru with it. AH is not speaking to me at all. I recognize it as a mind game. Instead of the usual response when I have "abandoned him" at his business which in the past has always been due to illness, he did not come home screaming and cussing instead he quietly went to bed. Now I keep wanted to talk to him and to explain, make him see where I am coming from. I also recognize that as useless and co-dependent. He is playing the game "I don't want you either and I don't need you" because he knows I usually can't hold out. I made a date with a girlfriend that I haven't seen in awhile tomorrow to talk and maybe have some lunch. What am I gonna due next week when I want/need him to drive me to the doctors? I can't stop something I started (out of fear). He is so almighty and puffed up like she can't make it without me but I can make it without her. I can't believe for 15 years after my son died that I completely gave up the belief that my AH was an alcoholic. Peace has been in my home because i no longer acknowledged or fought the problem but I also lost myself in the process. Now the ocean is getting wavy and I am afraid I will lose my footing. I must take it one day at a time. So today I am gonna go get my hair cut and eat healthy and where the day takes me from there I don't have a clue.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Isn't there someone else you can call to ask to take you to the doctor's? A neighbor, a friend, a relative? ANYONE but him? I think that would be a really good first step in regaining your strengths and independence!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
That is a great second step! Reaching out to your friend and to your new friends here at Sober Recovery was a great start! You will find a wealth of resources, compassion, empathy and just plain straight talk here.
I left my AH of almost 20 years just 5 weeks ago, and this forum has been my lifeline. I couldn't have done it without the generosity of these folks and their wisdom.
As to starting over - well you are in a wonderful position. When you get emotionally more separated from the crisis you are in now, you will realize that you have incredibly marketable business skills. You have run the administrative/financial/accounting side of a business, and probably lots more than that. That is worth a good income in the business world. You will not have to "start over"; you will finally be PAID for all the work you do.
With me, my thinking had become so submerged to my AH who controlled the finances, and actually, in truth, mostly everything else in my life. When he did such outrageous things with porn on top of the alcohol - sending over $1500 to prostitutes on MY credit card in MY name - the fraud squad called me and I left the house forever within 2 hours.
I posted here so often in the midst of my crisis, and people kept on sorting out for me what was real and what was my AH's bizarre mind games. They - we - can do that for you too.
I am so very sorry for the loss of your son; what a devastating blow that must be. It was not your fault, and you do not have to do penance or feel guilty. There was nothing you could have done. You are free to grieve as often and deeply as you need to, and you are free to move on to a happier and healthier life for yourself.
Alanon has lots of wisdom, and one of the first things we're told as newcomers is the three c's:
You didn't cause this;
You can't control it;
And you can't cure it.
Beyond your husband's alcoholism, you sound like you are suffering other abuse, including at the hands of your son. You don't deserve that, and you can move beyond it a baby step at a time, and soon, you'll be in a different emotional place.
As for your life decisions, maybe just think of the next step to become more independent. Driving again would be very helpful. Do you have a friend who could coach you? Try the high school parking lot and just drive around for an hour or two, and you'll start to feel more comfortable. Or take a few driving lessons. When you go to your doctor, try to go on your own, and talk to him/her about what is going on in your life. There are many resources out there, and they're available for people like you and me.
Take care, post often,
BothSidesNow
I left my AH of almost 20 years just 5 weeks ago, and this forum has been my lifeline. I couldn't have done it without the generosity of these folks and their wisdom.
As to starting over - well you are in a wonderful position. When you get emotionally more separated from the crisis you are in now, you will realize that you have incredibly marketable business skills. You have run the administrative/financial/accounting side of a business, and probably lots more than that. That is worth a good income in the business world. You will not have to "start over"; you will finally be PAID for all the work you do.
With me, my thinking had become so submerged to my AH who controlled the finances, and actually, in truth, mostly everything else in my life. When he did such outrageous things with porn on top of the alcohol - sending over $1500 to prostitutes on MY credit card in MY name - the fraud squad called me and I left the house forever within 2 hours.
I posted here so often in the midst of my crisis, and people kept on sorting out for me what was real and what was my AH's bizarre mind games. They - we - can do that for you too.
I am so very sorry for the loss of your son; what a devastating blow that must be. It was not your fault, and you do not have to do penance or feel guilty. There was nothing you could have done. You are free to grieve as often and deeply as you need to, and you are free to move on to a happier and healthier life for yourself.
Alanon has lots of wisdom, and one of the first things we're told as newcomers is the three c's:
You didn't cause this;
You can't control it;
And you can't cure it.
Beyond your husband's alcoholism, you sound like you are suffering other abuse, including at the hands of your son. You don't deserve that, and you can move beyond it a baby step at a time, and soon, you'll be in a different emotional place.
As for your life decisions, maybe just think of the next step to become more independent. Driving again would be very helpful. Do you have a friend who could coach you? Try the high school parking lot and just drive around for an hour or two, and you'll start to feel more comfortable. Or take a few driving lessons. When you go to your doctor, try to go on your own, and talk to him/her about what is going on in your life. There are many resources out there, and they're available for people like you and me.
Take care, post often,
BothSidesNow
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 20
Today was a good day. I still didn't show up at work (his business). I took a long morning swim. Went out for a hugh delicious salad and then took myself to the movies to see "Hope Springs". If you haven't seen it I recommend it. It is about a couple who have lost touch with each other, separate room, no sex. Boy do I know the feeling. The only difference was this man was not an alcoholic. But it made me see my lonliness even more. A couple of bad things did happen today. First my son went off on me and threatened to hit me because I wasn't at work. He said I am killing his father by not being at the business helping him. He said his father works so hard to provide and I better get my you know what up there now. He told me he hated me and for me to move out. I just replied booze is killing your father not me and then I left the house. Then this evening my AH told me he wanted out of the marriage a long time and now I am giving him a reason to end it by desserting him at work. He said I was a bad influence on the his employees anyway. I told him I would no longer manage the shop but would continue to do his accounting if he paid me weekly. He laughed and said he will find someone else to do that. Son is in the basement as always. Husband in his bedroom probably drinking, eating and watching tv till he passes out. Same routine every night for years and years. And I am on the computer in the family room but all is quiet.
I need the support so badly during this beggining of the my journey that I have to keep posting. I don't have one place I can go except my moms and she is from the old school of keeping the peace, don't rock the boat and I don't want to hear it. I hope you all don't mind my rambling. And thank you everyone for your advice.
I need the support so badly during this beggining of the my journey that I have to keep posting. I don't have one place I can go except my moms and she is from the old school of keeping the peace, don't rock the boat and I don't want to hear it. I hope you all don't mind my rambling. And thank you everyone for your advice.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
Inthepit,
You are not rambling. What you are doing is making baby steps to get to the place you want and need to be. Reaching out to us here is a baby step. We want you to post here as often as you need to. I know that I've received so much support from SR in my short time here that I want to be a support for others here too. That's what this is all about. We are here for you. I'm sure it's been a very long time since anyone has said that to you. But we are and we care.
Give yourself credit for taking even the smallest baby step and soon you will feel strong enough to make a bigger one.
I can see in your posts that you have been living, thinking, behaving, acting, working with everyone else in mind but yourself. Well, YOU deserve to be first. Your deserve peace, respect and happiness. Know that.
Hugs,
MamaKit
You are not rambling. What you are doing is making baby steps to get to the place you want and need to be. Reaching out to us here is a baby step. We want you to post here as often as you need to. I know that I've received so much support from SR in my short time here that I want to be a support for others here too. That's what this is all about. We are here for you. I'm sure it's been a very long time since anyone has said that to you. But we are and we care.
Give yourself credit for taking even the smallest baby step and soon you will feel strong enough to make a bigger one.
I can see in your posts that you have been living, thinking, behaving, acting, working with everyone else in mind but yourself. Well, YOU deserve to be first. Your deserve peace, respect and happiness. Know that.
Hugs,
MamaKit
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 47
wow, I relate to so much you've said. You are in a good place here. I too am back to alaNon after being away 12 years. And I the same answers I got years are still here.I have been told that when i focus on me, take care of me and try to find a way to be honest with myself I can get better, which makes other things get better. Keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Inthepit, you are making lots of progress, even if you can't see it. You refused to be abused by working for no pay. You refused to be manipulated and blackmailed by your husband into going back to work. You refused to crumple when your son was abusive.
These are big changes and they show me that your sense of self is emerging.
Post here absolutely ALL that you want and need. We're all here for you.
I found that, even if I basically was asking the same question over and over just with different details, people here were immensely patient and kept repeating the answer over and over until finally I would begin to get it.
We've been brainwashed, and I think that even if you can take the actions you need to, at least for me, the real emotional understanding lagged way behind.
BothSidesNow
These are big changes and they show me that your sense of self is emerging.
Post here absolutely ALL that you want and need. We're all here for you.
I found that, even if I basically was asking the same question over and over just with different details, people here were immensely patient and kept repeating the answer over and over until finally I would begin to get it.
We've been brainwashed, and I think that even if you can take the actions you need to, at least for me, the real emotional understanding lagged way behind.
BothSidesNow
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
