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"Detach with love," what is your definition of that?

Old 08-11-2012, 05:25 PM
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"Detach with love," what is your definition of that?

I am 35 and still living with my functioning AH. Married for 9 yrs, 3 children under the age of 6. Good days and bad, the bad days are BAD. No physical abuse, just verbal, not like that's ok. I keep reading the phrase "detach with love." I know they say that means don't try to control him and just go about my life and do things to better life for myself and the kids, etc.. I do that already. But last night, after I ate dinner alone, did the dishes, put the kids to bed, and finally sat down, getting ready to go to bed alone, (AH in the garage drinking the night away) I realized that my "detaching with love" has become nothing more than me accepting a marriage that really doesn't even exist. Accepting that the man I love no longer shows any interest in being an active member of our loving family. Accepting that eating and going to bed alone every night is normal. Accepting that I have to be 100% responsible for all housework and raising/caring for the children. Accepting that I can not rely on him for much of anything, other than bringing home a paycheck. He thinks that because he works fulltime, that he's not an alcoholic. We've had a million talks, I've begged, I've cried, I've gotten angry, set boundaries, asked him to go to counseling with me, he tried to quit a few times on his own, with no success. I guess my question is for anyone who decided to stay and ride this rollercoaster for whatever reasons, what does "detach with love" mean for you? And how do you live like this?
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Old 08-11-2012, 05:40 PM
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IMHO, if you have to "detach with love", there's no point in continuing the relationship.

Others will be along with more perspectives.
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Old 08-11-2012, 05:58 PM
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some one just posted how do you not care and move on?

I think here my reply belongs also....*How do you stop caring and move on?* was the question...

why do you feel you need to STOP caring?...you can stop alot of things but feelings need to be GRIEVED and there is a process...until you are aware that you need to greive him and all those resentments, will only and only will you be able to move on...

my A left me for I was able to stop all my co dependent ways..enabling was the worse...he left...I still care for him, but not his disease..and so far, his disease is his #1 in his life and after 2 1/2 years still is...I feel compassion for him that he feels he is not worthy of alot of things, including getting well for himself...but he can only do that for himself...

I have not stopped caring...but i refuse for my well being and my health to be him...and I can SEE CLEARLY NOW

I guess in your case, its accepting the REALITY of you life with your A and how nothing will ever change

choices...you have many
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Old 08-11-2012, 06:06 PM
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Some one posted this earlier. Big wake up call!

LETTING GO TAKES LOVE
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,

Hang in there. This also your process.
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Old 08-11-2012, 06:09 PM
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^^ its from the BIG BOOK edition 1...
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Old 08-11-2012, 10:15 PM
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Originally Posted by ukiah77 View Post

I guess my question is for anyone who decided to stay and ride this rollercoaster for whatever reasons, what does "detach with love" mean for you? And how do you live like this?
Hi ukiah77,

I have read all your posts so I won't repeat what others have already said nor will I give you advice. I also read carefully your first posts about being married to your soulmate so I truly understand where you're coming from.

To answer your question above. For me, detach with love means that I have accepted that I am powerless over the disease while still loving the person. I live my life in much the same manner as a caregiver does with an someone with Alzheimer disease. Your husband is still functioning. The disease is progressive and, if he chooses not to stop, the progression is inevitable. My alcoholic can no longer work. My definition may not be right nor be agreeable to most but the definition allows me to cope. It is the only way to keep me centered as I wait for the disease to take my alcoholic's life.

The difference bewteen you and I is that my kids are grown and have moved out and on. Your decisions affect your children.

How do I live like this? Good question. Maybe it's with a sense of resignation. I am much older than you and have already done with my life most of those things I wanted to do so I'm ok living as a caregiver. You have a whole life ahead of you with your children so you need to decide which paths to take.

You are going through a very difficult time. I hope you are able to go to Al-Anon because the folks there can give you the support you need, and will need.

It's not an easy life living with an alcoholic/addict even if they are not physically abusive. It's not easy because you and I have lost our soulmates to the bottle and somehow we hope to get them back some day.

I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better. Maybe just knowing that all of us here at SR knows how you feel will help. Take care of you and your children.
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