seek

I have been doing some reading on "accepting the unacceptable," and it is helping me. A lot of my resentments have to do with expectations and health. I never *expected* there was even a remote possibility my grandson could ever be alcoholic . . .I think some part of me feels I could have prevented it.

Now I have to accept it and I also have to accept a host of other things related to it:

I vacillate between being extremely resentful, rageful, and grieving various losses.

It is pretty devastating. Just got done crying over my powerless in getting my grandson to see anything, but namely, that he should take care of himself. It is beyond my level of comprehension that someone would willingly give up their health. It makes me angry and sad.

choublak

I don't think it's that he's unwilling; I think it's that he just doesn't know what to do, maybe.

And no, you couldn't have prevented it.

There is also a generational gap between grandparents and grandchildren, something to keep in mind.

fourmaggie

Boundaries is a great way to start...and to start with boundary #1 is to get to a 12 step program for yourself....please go, it will help

this is a disease, yes, i know it couldnt be and he has control over it..but its a progressive one...

we have a choice, being with an A with think we dont because its all about the A and his way....this is a validation that there is another way for this...

3Cs
you did not cause this
you can not control this
and there is no cure

please read as much as you can,and to as many meetings as you can and take care of YOU

is your grandson living with you?

OhBoy

I enthusiastically endorse the "Three C's". It is tough to learn what you can own & what you can not. When I realized there was nothing I could do for my wife's drinking, I was angry, sad, & confused. And often all at the same time! Then one day I looked at it a little differently. I can't control it, there is nothing I can do to change it. Why am I taking responsibility for something I didn't cause, can't control or cure? I let it go. I let all that weight of doing all the work for her float away. It was like someone took the world off of my shoulders. I didn't forget that my AW was killing herself but I detached from the idea that I should be responsible. It was tough because after all, someone has to take responsibility, right? It sure as hell ain't gonna be her so that leaves it to me. That is exactly how the disease works, how it traps people that love the alcoholic. But it was never mine to own.

seek

I don't go to meetings and will not be going. I went for years. I have read much of the literature. I appreciate people sharing from their hearts adnd their experience, but telling someone what they should do, in my estimation, is going over the line. Especially here where many of us have learned how futile that is and that cleaning up "our side of the street" is our only job. Thank you.

seek

It's weird that no matter, WHAT the title of the thread, someone usually tries to push the Alanon agenda.

The title of this thread is "Accepting the Unacceptable." If anyone would like to share on that subject, that would be awesome.

It was really helpful for me to do some of the online reading, from Biblical quotes to Cheri Huber . . .it really helped me.

Key to Serenity - Acceptance Is the Key to Serenity

Acceptance Of The Unacceptable | LIVESTRONG.COM

Seren

I think acceptance for me is not about trying to convince myself that what my stepson is doing to himself is just fine and dandy.

Oh, sure, there have been times when I really wanted to grab the young man by the shoulders and scream at him "Don't you realize what you are doing to yourself...doing to your family! How can you be soooooo destructive and thoughtless!!" But I never did.

Acceptance for me is realizing that no matter how "right" I think I am, no matter how much I believe that everything will be just fine and dandy if he would just do what I think he should do, he won't.

And here's the clincher....he doesn't have to.
And here's the other clincher....I don't have the right to expect him to.

Acceptance to me is pushing my ego out of the way and allowing the young man to live his life however he chooses as an adult with free will. And this has not been easy, but life has been much better since Mr. HG and I let him go. For us, and probably for him, too.

Hypatia

I originally bought into the whole idea of family sticking together and helping each other out through thick and thin. But over the years I have abandoned that fantasy and faced the reality that people are people. Common DNA or marriage certificates are not enough to ensure that we all get along and share common goals.

My first real lesson in reality was in my early teens when my father chose to divorce my mother because he couldn't handle her mental illness. In a perfect fantasy family, he would have stuck by her and helped her through the many years it took before Mom finally became a stable person again. Perhaps it would have even taken less time for Mom to stabilize if he hadn't abandoned her for another woman. But he gave up and quickly found himself a new wife.

My rose tinted glasses were irreparably shattered by the divorce and I realised that family members are no different than any other people on this planet. The only difference is that I don't get to choose my family of origin and am sort of stuck with them. So I had two options: I could go no contact, or I could drastically lower my expectations.

I decided to lower my expectations and maintain contact. As a result, I am no longer disappointed for long by anything a family member does or says. I constantly remind myself to demand no specific behaviour from them and let them be themselves. I've gotten flack from various members for being myself in turn, but here I am take it or leave it. And I will take or leave a person based on their own merit and not based on my own fantasy image of how I think they should be.

This somewhat unorthodox attitude towards family has saved me a lot of grief over the years. It has actually helped me rebuild relationships and get closer to some family members, like my mother. With other family members, it has had the opposite effect and they have chosen to go no contact with me, like my father. Sure, it hurt a bit at first but once I acknowledged the fact that my father has just as much right as I do or anyone else to choose his own path, I could accept his decision.

What is unacceptable is not his behaviour, or that of other family members. What was truly unacceptable was my expectation and my requirement that my family be somehow a bunch of special people made according to my image of what they should be, and acting within my own specified parameters.

I suppose I should be disappointed that I don't have a perfect family. But I have yet to meet anyone who does. Holding on to an illusion and requiring that others live out your fantasy version of life is what is truly unacceptable.

Learn2Live

For me Acceptance is allowing others to make their own decisions about their own lives, and not pushing my own ideas onto them. It's about stepping aside and allowing things to happen naturally. And doing what I need to do to protect myself from destructive people and the pain they cause. Boundaries.

seek

I supposed everyone is different, so I have no idea why this would be so easy for you and so difficult for me. I LOVE that you were able to pull it off, and I hope to be able to in the future.

I had such an attachment to the idea of family and such a craving and a desire for a nurturing family . . . it feels like it is innate. But for some reason, I was given a really ****** family and I have to accept that.

Hypatia

Oh, it wasn't all that easy and I've been working on it for over 30 years now. What helped is that I was 13 when my parents separated and 16 when the divorce was finalised. At that age I was a normally selfish and egotistical teenager which actually helped. Most kids at that age are naturally inclined to put their own needs first.

For some reason, as adults we adopt the attitude that it is somehow always bad to be selfish and egotistical. But I have found that giving both myself and others permission to be selfish and egotistical, to be regular human beings, makes my life much easier. Obviously I have my own set of morals and principles but I cannot require that anyone else follow the rules which I have established for myself. That is something which each person has to decide for himself.

So perhaps you could try giving yourself permission? You already have mine.

Diva76

I don't see how FourMaggie was "telling you" what you should do?
Believe me, I "get" how much pain you're feeling over your grandson's demise; it's devastating to watch the progression of this
disease regardless of whether it's a family member or not...

I have experienced both...yet, that doesn't give me the right to wallow in self-pity....

Having your family ideals demoralized by alcoholism is downright awful, but the only person you can truly heal is yourself...

Besides this forum, I truly hope you will find an additional source of support that feels right for you...

From what I've read in your posts over the past two days, I can sense that you are really hurting...

I wish you the best and sincerely hope you start to feel better soon....

All the best,



Linda

seek

Um, she told me to read as much as I can and go to as many meetings as I can. I have stated over and over again, ad nauseum that I will not be going to meetings . . .

As for your assertion that I am "wallowing in self pity," that is a judgment and from the program "taking my inventory." Not helpful. You didn't say ANYTHING AT ALL about the subject matter of this thread. Weird. Just really weird.

Diva76

Nor, do you have the right to judge my observation...

Diva76

And I just re-read my own post...
I only mentioned MY tendency to wallow in self-pity..
I find it rather interesting that you identified with that as well...

Good luck...

seek

It's interesting how our personalities develop. I had this thing about CRAVING a family . . . and also I am kind of naturally an analytical person (a problem-solver) and a nurturing person. Health and values are really important to me and I identified strongly with being a mother and a grandma, so I thought it was "my job" to teach values, etc.

And of course you normally just love your kids and grandkids and want to see them healthy and happy. So when they do things that do not bring happiness, if they are young enough, you try to set them straight somehow - you try to "do something."

As a family, we have done a lot. We had a family intervention, sent him to rehab, set him up in an SLE, etc., etc. I am not an alcoholic so I don't know what it is like. I thought he really wanted to get sober and in fact, I didn't even know he was an alcoholic in the first place, so I was shocked and had a lot of processing to do (and am still doing) . . . there was a lot of family trauma and a lot of acting out . . . so things have been complicated and "every 'man' for 'himself.'"

I thought I was taking care of myself - I didn't realize I was overdoing anything or doing things that weren't helpful . . .I had this mindset that he was sick, had seen the error in his ways, and was now trying to get better. Very idealistic and simplistic, but what I wanted to believe and what I thought was "true."

Now I see I have no idea what is going on . . .and I have to take care of myself BETTER . . . and other people aren't looking out for me (I had the mistaken idea that my family would at least not attack me - I thought it would be "all for one and one for all" - I thought we would "have each other's backs" . . .I didn't know all of the wounds that would be opened and how some people would deal with things. But now I do know and I will now arm myself with knowledge when interacting with people.

Also, people who have PTSD, do actually tend to "forget" - I guess it is a defense mechanism, but it isn't very effective because it makes you put yourself in bad situations, over and over again . . .and I am learning from that.

So it is baby steps for me. I am just realizing some stuff.

seek

Why did you bring it up?

And why did you not comment on the thread topic?

Are you trying to teach me something? I just wonder what the point of your posts are.

Thank you.

Learn2Live

Seek, you should know that this is a 12-step forum. Check the description.

Learn2Live

And by the way, FourMaggie took the time to respond to your post to try to help you. To complain about her offering up what she did is just rude. Take what you like and leave the rest.

seek

What does that have to do with anything?

Does that mean that no matter what the thread title and what a person says about their involvement or lack of involvement in "the program," that people have a right to tell them to go to Alanon, over and over again?

If that is the case, I stand corrected.

I thought it was "live and let live" and while the forum has a 12 step format, I didn't know Alanon was mandatory as a belief system and practice.

I may indeed be in the wrong place.

I got the idea it was a more open environment because on the alcoholic, substance abuse side there is tolerance for programs other than A.A.