Diva76

I think it's best that I remove myself from this thread...
It's starting to feel counterproductive for me..
I apologize if you feel my post was off-topic...
However, when I read through it once more, I felt it was clearly showing empathy for your situation, yet...it is OK if you felt otherwise...
Ok...now it's time for me to go back to focusing on myself!

Be well....

seek

I think it is rude to tell other people they must go to meetings after they have stated they are not into going to meetings. And why is this now your cause?

Why aren't you taking what you like and leaving the rest?

seek

And I do not wish to argue, but I do stand up for myself and I have said over and over again I do not wish to go to Alanon.

Maybe you were being empathetic - I am not doubting that - I just don't understand why people don't stick to the topic - I honestly do not "get" that.

Learn2Live

Wow. Talk about stinking thinking.

seek

Wow. Talk about taking inventory.

seek

In an effort to get this thread back on track:

“Accept The Unacceptableâ€� « The Amyra Records

I just skimmed this article, but it seems very meaty.

Hypatia

What?! Only 12 steps? NOW you tell me! I'm on step #42!

CatsPajamas

There is much great information about acceptance and unacceptable behavior. What I learned was that accepting something didnt mean I had to like it. It simply meant I came to understand and accept this simple fact: it is what it is. period.

I'd like to recommend a few things: 1) if someone's posts make your teeth hurt, feel free to use the "ignore" function for awhile. To do that, simply click on that person's name and then click "add so and so to your ignore list"
2) Also, feel free to move on to some other threads and topics if this one bothers you. 3) remember we are all at different places in our recovery journeys.

Thanks. You can always PM me or another mod if you feel strongly about something.

Carry on

Cats
Forum Mod

seek

Thank you.

The way this subject came up is that for a few days I was seething with resentment over a bunch of stuff I am powerless over. When I began to deconstruct my beliefs, I saw that I had a belief that "it isn't fair" (I posted an EFT vid on the subject elsewhere). I really got in touch with my anger, rage, and grief, and then began to investigate HOW to accept the unacceptable.

I had a lot of expectations that people "should" be doing better, all around . . .

Instead of saying "accept it" (I never knew HOW), these particular articles I linked to offered more information to me - the last article talks about resistance . . . somehow I just needed to work on this in this way . . .it's a piece of the puzzle for me because I will never be "ok" with my grandson being an alcoholic and my family disappointing me, but somehow on some level, I might be able to accept it a little more . . .praying for more insight.

choublak

I think people who may come off as "pushing" Al-Anon, are simply sharing/suggesting what has worked for them. People sharing their own personal experiences.

My grandmother had to accept the unacceptable when my uncle drove drunk in the rain and crashed his car head-on into a tree. His neck snapped and he was killed. He was 24 years old.

My aunt has a son with autism. I'm sure her ideas/expectations of "family" changed somewhat.

I have ADHD, wasn't diagnosed until about age 20. My mom had me tested when I was about 14, but I didn't want to accept it back then because I was naive and uninformed of ADHD and what exactly it entails, and I didn't want to be labeled "special ed" (the school system puts any child with any remote deviation into that category). Fast-forward to college, I was in so much mental pain from trying to focus long enough to read one textbook page, I felt something wasn't "right" and one day I took some adderall I'd gotten from a friend, was able to focus, called my mom and said something to the effect of "okay I have ADHD, I'll get tested now, I surrender" I guess you could say I'd "hit bottom" in a way. Although being diagnosed and on medication is by no means a magic pill/bullet; I hated myself after that, too. Much of my life growing up I spent trying to be other people because I didn't want to accept myself. Now I feel like the way I am has worked for me in my relationship with RABF because once I learned about how alcoholism works, I completely stopped trying to "help" him, and he doesn't drink anymore. I'm still trying to figure myself out; I remember when I was in high school thinking I would one day just "get right" and I've had to realize and accept that it's not going to happen the way I once thought it would.

As for family, my mom is one of twelve siblings. I don't even know how many cousins I have. We "rely" on each other somewhat, but trust me, it's not like we're one happy cohesive blob. Certain individuals don't get along because of beef or bad blood and there is also a lot of gossip especially among my aunts and, to a lesser extent, my mom (who prefers to stay out of the thick of any drama). So, I'm not sure if what you're craving is even all that realistic. But that's just my opinion.

seek

I don't know if it is realistic or not, but it was my heart's desire. I always had a very strong urge for a solid family unit of loving people who would treat each other kindly.

I had a very good dad so I had some exposure to a loving presence, but he's gone and the ones who are left are all "difficult," and I just found out, back-stabbing and not to be trusted - that's a new one for me - I had no idea, but the alcoholism brought a lot of stuff to the surface . . .

I would love to have a lot of cousins - out of that huge brood, I bet there is someone you can call when you need something or a shoulder to lean on.

choublak

Probably, I wouldn't know because I've never tried it. Word travels fast (I've seen it with others) and before you know it everybody is up in your business.

Although, actually, when I was first realizing that RABF was an alcoholic, I did tell one of my cousins (and she actually set me up with him btw) that he had a drinking problem, her response was, "you should drink more, you'll notice it less".

LifeRecovery

Yes having a large family can be great because there is more chance for support. There is also more chance for drama however, and at least in my family that often revolves around alcohol. I am one of 24 first cousins on one side of my family (father was an alcoholic). No siblings are alcoholics as far as we know, but all are adult children. At least two siblings married alcoholics, one married someone with problems with rage. I have at least 5/24 siblings dealing with their own problems drinking, one who committed suicide last year.

Seek could I ask you what is working for you in your recovery now? I wanted to ask on the other post because you asked a similar question a number of months ago, and I am trying to get a handle on where you are at? I think you posted on that one (from months ago) what is working for you now, but I can't find it.

Thanks

Edit: I just saw a new post started by you that might answer what I just asked. Ignore if that is the case.

fourmaggie

you asked a question in this forum FRIENDS AND FAMILY OF ALCOHOLIC:
12 step based recovery forum- for families, relatives, and friends whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking. If someone close to you, such as a family member, friend, co-worker, or neighbor, has or has had a drinking problem you'll find support here.

I ask...do you want to be stuck? or move forward?

I have had a dear cousin commit his own death by being an addict/alcoholic..this 12 step program has worked wonders for me...as usuall at the end of all of my meetings "take what you want and leave the rest"

if you dont find what your looking for here, thats fine...but dont cut up my 12 step program and me and my growth in it because you did not like my comment....

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Hypatia

Thanks. I had a long response typed out to fourmaggie, but have now deleted it without posting. I'm going to follow your advice and just move on.

seek

Just a note that your program is your program - Whatever works for you is great, but it is crossing a line to tell others what to do, regardless of the motive - unless they ask. Thank you.

seek

Accepting the unacceptable seems to be a key element today in allowing me to let go of resentments, which are so poisonous to me and anyone who comes in contact with me.

My unhealed rage at some members of my family of origin is coming up for healing, as is my rage at my current family for being unhealthy, unkind, and unfaithful.

I always had this idea that there was goodwill - I have had it all of my life, and have projected it everywhere from companies I worked at to my family.

I am learning to be more discerning and to notice what is in front of me and try to take it more at face value without getting paranoid or weird about it (which is the delicate balance for me).

This is not easy to do and I can't do it alone. I do need spiritual help and help of friends on the path, which for me have been paid professionals.

Accepting the unacceptable is key for me in not rejecting what is happening as being "unfair" or not to my liking. I do feel the feeling of wanting everything my way is very young and almost primal . . .maybe from not getting my needs met as an infant and feeling cheated and that I "deserved" better. I think it goes back that far.

coffeeclouds

I will post once here. Seek, you did not mention in the OP that you don't go to meetings. Maybe you mentioned it in another thread, but we can't all keep track of that all of the time. So, one person said in this thread that you should go to meetings. Then you said you don't go, but in another post, rode that horse again. You did post here, so why do you defend against the other people's posting? We don't know you or your circumstances. We are doing the best we can in life and here. You don't have to accept what people say here. You also don't have to respond if you don't like the responses.

You can let it be as well as we can. Sorry if this seems off topic to your original thread topic, but frankly, what does it matter?

coffeeclouds

I have also had to re-evaluate what is acceptable and unacceptable. I have been told all of my adult life by my (R?)AH what is acceptable. Then he went off of the wagon after 25 years. So, now I have to evaluate what is acceptable to ME and not what he said was acceptable. It is hard. I have a large family (not extended) and I(we?)(he?) had this dream of what that meant. But then he threw it all away with unacceptable behavior. So, now what? I will not accept that behavior anymore, but also reserve the right to learn what I will accept now under my own power and not his. And it may take me some time, though I expect that, based on previous behavior, he may want to see that happen sooner. He is in rehab now, so I will wait and see and take it easy on myself in the meantime.

fourmaggie

thank you


i hit a nerve thats why...

but my question is...so? i use a 12 step program that happens to be AL ANON...i could refer to other 12 step programs that use the same FORMAT...

ask your paster see if there is a 12 step program in your church...i know one church here in my community uses the same FORMAT of the 12 steps