Adventure

Hi everyone,

Well, finally, I am really getting somewhere with moving on with my life. I have viewed a couple of houses/apartments and think I have found one that feels right. I am scared, sad, guilty, excited and so much more.

I am trying my hardest not to think about what is going to happen to AH when I leave. I know I can’t predict the future, but I can give it a pretty good guess. But regardless I need to focus on me, and not on him. I really am trying to do this.

AH is doing his best to make it easier on me to leave – without realising it! He was a total a-hole last night, more couch-wetting, left the freezer open, destroyed the toilet, left stuff all over the kitchen, was dribbling/drooling at one stage, passed out on more than one occasion and on and on. According to him I am paranoid and looking for things to nit-pick about LOL! So I am taking it as a good thing for me that he is behaving this way, as it significantly reduces the worry and guilt I have about leaving!

I have been telling him for a long time (several years) that I am going to leave. So many ultimatums, i.e. empty threats, that if he didn’t get help for his drinking that I’d be gone. I recently told him again, properly this time, but I know he doesn’t believe me because of saying it so often before, so I’m just not saying it anymore.

I’m not sure how to handle the actual moment that I leave. Do I bother telling him the truth – “I’m leaving you for good”? Or is it better that I just go, say nothing, and tell him after the fact to avoid confrontation? He has once been threatening towards me, which was through a locked door, but still scared me. I don’t think he will get violent or aggressive but I suppose I can’t be 100% sure. I think it is way more likely that he will get very, very upset, beg me to stay, and all that drama. I have no intention of saying anything to him if he is under the influence at the time, which is more than likely. It would be relatively easy for me to just go without saying anything. Is this what other people have done? I’m just looking for other people’s experiences/suggestions.

So that’s my update, life is about to change for the better for me, and while I’m petrified, I’m focusing on the positive when I can.

Thanks for reading this LONG post!
Adventure

Hypatia

Looks to me like you've already told him the truth. Why bother repeating yourself yet again? He won't believe it until he sees it, so just go ahead and do it.

Good luck!


That was long?!? You obviously haven't waded through some of mine.

GettingBy

When I was planning my escape from the asylum, my wise sponsor reminded me that in recovery... we stay in TODAY. No mulling over the past because we can't change it... and no projecting into the future because we just don't know what will happen.

What I have learned in my own journey is that I spent wayyyy too much time *talking* to people about what I'm going to do. I wasted so much time talking and explaining to my XAH about how unacceptable the living situation was. It never really communicated the message I was hoping to convey.

Packing up my stuff and moving out spoke loud and clear. There was no talking to him at that point. He knew where I stood. We had beat the horse dead with talking. It was time for action.

Stay focused on why YOU are mving. What YOU need to do to get YOU moved. That's YOUR job. That's it. Just for today!

dandylion

Remember the NIKE (shoe) Ad?--- JUST DO IT!

Also--dispense with the "guilt" You did not cause the illness.

Happy new home!

dandylion.

Adventure

Thank you all so much, you are all so right. Why am I bothering to worry about this, and to plan it?

This is huge for me, and I need to keep remembering it. I’m doing this for me, not to punish AH or his rotten to the core family. I’m doing this to move on with my life.

Dandylion, I’m getting some help with the whole dispensing with the guilt thing – I struggle with this in every area of my life!

Must go buy myself some Nike gear!!!

NYCDoglvr

I would wait until I'm safely in my new home. Better yet, it can be done through lawyers. I'm very happy you're leaving the alcoholic. I don't know you but I'm sure you deserve better than this.

Eddiebuckle

Adv,

The idea of closure is tempting, but in my view there is absolutely no upside to having that conversation with your AH as you leave. If he is half of what you say, the only thing he will hear is that you are unfairly punishing him. Make your arrangements, move your things out while he is at work or away for a predictable amount of time and leave. This isn't a movie, and there is no guarantee that his response will be rational or safe. Bring a friend while you are moving to make sure this goes as planned.

Good luck,
Edd

Adventure

Thank you Eddiebuckle for your very helpful, realistic post. This is exactly what I will be doing - packing and getting the hell out when his back is turned. I have posted separately today about the horrible night last night, and this proves to me that it won't matter what I say or when I say it. He is spiralling out of control, that could lead to anything, so I must protect myself now. And yes, absolutely, I will have someone with me when I'm moving.

Adventure

JenT1968

no - there is nothing to be gained from having a final conversation - it is unlikely to give either of you closure. It didn't for either me or exAH, and I not only had many long "final" conversations about why I was leaving/had left, I also wrote it all down for him in a letter, because he was very apt to forget things - he kept telling me he didn't understand why, that there were questions he had to ask me, and then he'd ask all the same things again (mostly centred around how I must be having an affair). You've told him that you're leaving if he doesn't sort out his drinking, he hasn't and now you are.

Go forward, and stay safe, thankfully exAH didn't drive, but all the rest of it is very familiar to me, having a front row to this is completely exhausting. I think trying to stay away for as much as possible until you can leave is very wise.

Katiekate

So proud of you Adventure.

You are an inspiration to me.

Soon you will be posting about your new place, your new paradise.

Keep us posted. katie xo

Adventure

Thank you so much Katiekate. I can't wait to have my new place and to make it home.

This is the plan. I'm blessed to have some very kind friends who want to look after me, especially when my family are in a different part of the country. The next two weeks will be difficult, but I'm nearly there, and I know I can do it.

Adventure