New update, the torture continues
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 183
New update, the torture continues
Well. I haven't spoken with him since I left that evening on monday. I am slowly moving into my condo, but with no cable or internet, it's kind of lonely. So I have been staying with my sister who is wonderful support.
The new news is, went to check on the dogs this morning and some of her stuff was there. Devastating to say the least. In addition, he unfriended me from facebook as well. I feel like he is intentionally trying to make me have a breakdown. I don't know what I've done to deserve this treatment or why I am being so devalued this way. I feel like I am going to lose it emotionally any second now.
I just need some words of strength.
The new news is, went to check on the dogs this morning and some of her stuff was there. Devastating to say the least. In addition, he unfriended me from facebook as well. I feel like he is intentionally trying to make me have a breakdown. I don't know what I've done to deserve this treatment or why I am being so devalued this way. I feel like I am going to lose it emotionally any second now.
I just need some words of strength.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I completely understand. Something very similar happened to me two months ago. I am just now coming out of the shock. It is still painful but I know it is going to get better. You need to keep posting here, reading other posts and seeing the similarities of our stories, and surround yourself with positive, supportive people. I again recommend Al-Anon. You will feel better when you are at Al-Anon meeting. You are going to be okay. I can tell from your posts you are a strong woman. This person you married is a sick, dysfunctional person. You have to forget about the "beautiful" person you thought you married, because this IS him and it's not beautiful at all!
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 342
Originally Posted by owathu 
why I am being so devalued this way.
I don't know if you have a HP but if you do ask for help in easing the pain from within.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Hi,
I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through, such a painful experience.
I am almost one month split up from my axbf, I am slowly getting over it but the pain keeps coming back to the forefront of my mind. Instead of being miserable all the time, it has slowed to only 2 days a week...
You deserve something so much better than this creep and so do I. I wasn't cheated on but got constantly verbally abused, interspersed with some rare moments of nice behavior. When things ended with my dude I got a raging alkie narcissistic temper tantrum complete with him throwing things and then got screamed at: "Stop crying you stupid bitch!" and "You ruined everything!"
After that incident was over I was in shock for a while to say the least, did not eat or sleep for 2 days straight. Since then have been cycling through various emotions: anger, depression, relief, happiness. Most days are better but I am totally with you on the pain of it all.
The worst is just the loss of the relationship, the hopes for your future and the things you wanted to be together. Learn2Live is right, these are sick dysfunctional people and we have to try to not take their lunatic actions so personally. I know it isn't easy but hang in there dear, someday you will be so glad he is gone for good!
I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through, such a painful experience.
I am almost one month split up from my axbf, I am slowly getting over it but the pain keeps coming back to the forefront of my mind. Instead of being miserable all the time, it has slowed to only 2 days a week...
You deserve something so much better than this creep and so do I. I wasn't cheated on but got constantly verbally abused, interspersed with some rare moments of nice behavior. When things ended with my dude I got a raging alkie narcissistic temper tantrum complete with him throwing things and then got screamed at: "Stop crying you stupid bitch!" and "You ruined everything!"
After that incident was over I was in shock for a while to say the least, did not eat or sleep for 2 days straight. Since then have been cycling through various emotions: anger, depression, relief, happiness. Most days are better but I am totally with you on the pain of it all.
The worst is just the loss of the relationship, the hopes for your future and the things you wanted to be together. Learn2Live is right, these are sick dysfunctional people and we have to try to not take their lunatic actions so personally. I know it isn't easy but hang in there dear, someday you will be so glad he is gone for good!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by ZiggyB
Hi,
I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through, such a painful experience.
I am almost one month split up from my axbf, I am slowly getting over it but the pain keeps coming back to the forefront of my mind. Instead of being miserable all the time, it has slowed to only 2 days a week...
You deserve something so much better than this creep and so do I. I wasn't cheated on but got constantly verbally abused, interspersed with some rare moments of nice behavior. When things ended with my dude I got a raging alkie narcissistic temper tantrum complete with him throwing things and then got screamed at: "Stop crying you stupid bitch!" and "You ruined everything!"
After that incident was over I was in shock for a while to say the least, did not eat or sleep for 2 days straight. Since then have been cycling through various emotions: anger, depression, relief, happiness. Most days are better but I am totally with you on the pain of it all.
The worst is just the loss of the relationship, the hopes for your future and the things you wanted to be together. Learn2Live is right, these are sick dysfunctional people and we have to try to not take their lunatic actions so personally. I know it isn't easy but hang in there dear, someday you will be so glad he is gone for good!
I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through, such a painful experience.
I am almost one month split up from my axbf, I am slowly getting over it but the pain keeps coming back to the forefront of my mind. Instead of being miserable all the time, it has slowed to only 2 days a week...
You deserve something so much better than this creep and so do I. I wasn't cheated on but got constantly verbally abused, interspersed with some rare moments of nice behavior. When things ended with my dude I got a raging alkie narcissistic temper tantrum complete with him throwing things and then got screamed at: "Stop crying you stupid bitch!" and "You ruined everything!"
After that incident was over I was in shock for a while to say the least, did not eat or sleep for 2 days straight. Since then have been cycling through various emotions: anger, depression, relief, happiness. Most days are better but I am totally with you on the pain of it all.
The worst is just the loss of the relationship, the hopes for your future and the things you wanted to be together. Learn2Live is right, these are sick dysfunctional people and we have to try to not take their lunatic actions so personally. I know it isn't easy but hang in there dear, someday you will be so glad he is gone for good!
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 266
Originally Posted by owathu
I know, but the shock of it all is leaving me breathless. Like, I cannot believe this is happening.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
For me, I had to make as clean a break as possible...that meant going into the house with my girlfriend and a giant truck and making one big clean sweep of the things I needed to establish my new home. There was a bunch of stuff that had to get left behind to keep the house stage for sale - but what I ultimately wanted was to get myself to a point that I didn't have to keep entering that toxic place!
6 months later when I had to go back in to do the final clear out (right before the sale cleared)... it SUCKED. It was like ripping the band aid off all over again. There was liquor bottles all over the kitchen counter (he had converted our house to a bar for crying out loud!!), empty beer bottles, condoms all over the master bedroom and bathrooms. UGH.
I was GRATEFUL that I had to witness it only that one last time. I cleared everything out and got the hell out of dodge.
Going to the scene of the "crime" (so to speak) will only leave YOU with mental scars. Spare yourself the pain and stay away as much as you can.
6 months later when I had to go back in to do the final clear out (right before the sale cleared)... it SUCKED. It was like ripping the band aid off all over again. There was liquor bottles all over the kitchen counter (he had converted our house to a bar for crying out loud!!), empty beer bottles, condoms all over the master bedroom and bathrooms. UGH.
I was GRATEFUL that I had to witness it only that one last time. I cleared everything out and got the hell out of dodge.
Going to the scene of the "crime" (so to speak) will only leave YOU with mental scars. Spare yourself the pain and stay away as much as you can.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Oawthu-
May I gently say that you are dealing with two huge issues at a time. Someone with alcoholic drinking patterns and an affair.
They are both very challenging to deal with, and you are trying to juggle them both at the same time.
I was in shock for months, and I had known about the drinking for years when the affair came into play.
In affairs and alcohol both they talk about the "fog" that people are in. He is experiencing that right now, and there is a huge chance that none of his behavior will make any sense. It is not about you, it is all about him (that one took me a long time to understand).
You did not cause it, can't control it and cannot cure either situation. It is even hard to take care of yourself right now.
I have a lot of helpful suggestions for books for both alcohol and affairs if/when you are ready for them. Al-Anon really helped me to heal from both, especially learning about detachment.
Keep posting, and keep taking care of you.
May I gently say that you are dealing with two huge issues at a time. Someone with alcoholic drinking patterns and an affair.
They are both very challenging to deal with, and you are trying to juggle them both at the same time.
I was in shock for months, and I had known about the drinking for years when the affair came into play.
In affairs and alcohol both they talk about the "fog" that people are in. He is experiencing that right now, and there is a huge chance that none of his behavior will make any sense. It is not about you, it is all about him (that one took me a long time to understand).
You did not cause it, can't control it and cannot cure either situation. It is even hard to take care of yourself right now.
I have a lot of helpful suggestions for books for both alcohol and affairs if/when you are ready for them. Al-Anon really helped me to heal from both, especially learning about detachment.
Keep posting, and keep taking care of you.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
I know you will think that I am crazy to suggest this---But stop for just a minute and be grateful---even in the midst of your pain.
Why? Because you are so much more blessed than your husb. or this female he has latched onto.
He mind and body are being ravaged by an illness that obliterates his character and judgement and will take from him everything he has ever had.
She is merely a puppet for his temporary amusement. She may be an addict also. She will gain nothing from him of value. She is bring harm to herself.
When the wave of shock and pain passed (and it will), you have the chance to live a fulfilling life of serenity and peace of mind. The most precious gift in life is still freely available to you.
It is all in how you choose to look at it.
The pain of a break-up will eventually pass ...BUT
the pain of living with active addiction goes on and on and on...
Have faith, this too, shall pass. You are going to be o.k.
dandylion
Why? Because you are so much more blessed than your husb. or this female he has latched onto.
He mind and body are being ravaged by an illness that obliterates his character and judgement and will take from him everything he has ever had.
She is merely a puppet for his temporary amusement. She may be an addict also. She will gain nothing from him of value. She is bring harm to herself.
When the wave of shock and pain passed (and it will), you have the chance to live a fulfilling life of serenity and peace of mind. The most precious gift in life is still freely available to you.
It is all in how you choose to look at it.
The pain of a break-up will eventually pass ...BUT
the pain of living with active addiction goes on and on and on...
Have faith, this too, shall pass. You are going to be o.k.
dandylion
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
People who jump from one relationship to another are sick. These folks are just looking for another enabler. A person can enable an alcoholic by drinking with them. The actual PERSON does not matter to the A, it's the enablement they seek. It is nothing to do with us. I have watched AXBF fly into my life like a tornado, disrupting everything and just spinning his wheels in life at a thousand MPH, getting no where, and then goes flying out of my life the same way he flew into it. It's insanity. When you can get enough emotional distance from him, you will begin to be able to see it. It will help you to learn about Detachment and the disease of alcoholism, to get your emotions under control.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: rural Germany
Posts: 311
Originally Posted by owathu
I don't know what I've done to deserve this treatment or why I am being so devalued this way.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
It takes time. Everything you are doing right now is going to, as time goes by, put you at peace. My original break up was in Jan. I had several instances of engaging again, those instances always set me back. I'm doing really well now, it's a process, and I really had to start seeing things for what they were, chaotic, crazy making, and completely unstable. I was not and am not willing to live the rest of my days in that misery, and I am responsible for that.
Hang in, keep posting, get your condo fixed up and homey, that will take sometime, but it will become you sanctuary, I moved in April to a new place, we were living separately , it now really feels good and like home.
Be good to yourself. Love Katie
Hang in, keep posting, get your condo fixed up and homey, that will take sometime, but it will become you sanctuary, I moved in April to a new place, we were living separately , it now really feels good and like home.
Be good to yourself. Love Katie
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 76
Originally Posted by dandylion
It is all in how you choose to look at it.
The pain of a break-up will eventually pass ...BUT
the pain of living with active addiction goes on and on and on...
Have faith, this too, shall pass. You are going to be o.k.
dandylion
The pain of a break-up will eventually pass ...BUT
the pain of living with active addiction goes on and on and on...
Have faith, this too, shall pass. You are going to be o.k.
dandylion
LOVE THIS!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: the shire
Posts: 379
hugs to you...
i dont what's with our As...after we showered them with love...(enabling actually) they unfriend us on facebook, and do those hurtful things.
just hang in there...im not going to say stay strong because after 4 months with NC with xabf, im still struggling...but i can say this tho...it gets better everyday.
peace to you and just keep sharing and you will definitely get a lot of support in this community.
i dont what's with our As...after we showered them with love...(enabling actually) they unfriend us on facebook, and do those hurtful things.
just hang in there...im not going to say stay strong because after 4 months with NC with xabf, im still struggling...but i can say this tho...it gets better everyday.
peace to you and just keep sharing and you will definitely get a lot of support in this community.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 266
he unfriended me from facebook as well
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Originally Posted by Katiekate
I'm doing really well now, it's a process, and I really had to start seeing things for what they were, chaotic, crazy making, and completely unstable. I was not and am not willing to live the rest of my days in that misery, and I am responsible for that.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
Originally Posted by Learn2Live
This person you married is a sick, dysfunctional person. You have to forget about the "beautiful" person you thought you married, because this IS him and it's not beautiful at all!
My ass-hole is out of here soon.
Whenever I feel a bit sad about it all I have to make myself remember that I am sad about the person he promised he would be. The person he sometimes is, but very, very rarely these days. The person I have here now, drunk as a skunk on my couch right this very minute, is not that person.
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