Having a tough weekend
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 237
Having a tough weekend
I was doing so much better I thought - I've been angry and rational about our relationship but this weekend hit me out of nowhere and I can't stop crying. I can post on other people's threads about how it gets better and I can be objective about others' situations but when it comes to me and my XABF, I am back to several weeks ago and just feeling sad at the whole thing and missing him desperately.
I've done up my flat (was our flat) so it looks different, like my home, not like it was when he was living here, so nothing reminds me. I even moved the crockery around in the kitchen so everything was different! But now I'm looking at the new stuff and thinking how sad it is that i'm not sharing this with him, that I won't be with him.
I've written down a list of what I won't miss to try and shake me out of this gloom but it just makes me sad. I don't miss the lying, I don't miss wondering if he'd drunk, when he'd drink next, the all consuming feeling of being around him 'in case he drank' and worrying about going out and what i'd come back to. I don't miss feeling responsible for him, for being his social network, his financial support and his destresser without him doing that for himself.
And then I have this panic, not quite guilt, but worry he doesn't know why I ended it, that he thinks i don't love him anymore, or that I don't care. I particuarly am worried about the six months before his relapse in April when he didn't drink but we just argued so much. I could'nt detach and kept getting angry at stupid things like him eating unhealthily (in my head I kept thinking if he couldn't control other aspects of his life, he's never control drinking) but I felt mean. I jsut had so much anger and distrust, I didn't know how to let it out or move on. I sniffed his breath when he kissed me, I asked him constantly if he'd been drinking and his claims were never enough. I keep thinking of this night we went for dinner to celebrate his passing his probation at work and I was still so angry and we didn't really have much to say to eachother. I couldn't let it go and I kept telling him we had nothing to say, and what did that mean. I feel cruel now.
And the thing that is hurting the most and preying on my mind is I rejected him sexually towards the end because I felt betrayed by the drinking from the past. Even though he wasn't drinking at that time (but he was essentially a dry drunk as I think he was doing it for me, not because he wanted to), I put up a protective wall and wasn't ready to let it down. But I wanted to be close to him again and rebuild our relationship but I always worried he didn't understand. Our holiday was meant to be that opportunity, he'd been going to AA since his relapse and I had hopes. Then he went and drank on day two and it was over. One of the things he said to me before he moved out was that I never wanted him to touch me or be close to him which was completely untrue and our relationship before should have told him that. That's the thing I keep playing out in my head when I'm low and I wish I could know he didn't really think that and he knew I really did love him.
Thanks for reading. I just needed to let it out.
I've done up my flat (was our flat) so it looks different, like my home, not like it was when he was living here, so nothing reminds me. I even moved the crockery around in the kitchen so everything was different! But now I'm looking at the new stuff and thinking how sad it is that i'm not sharing this with him, that I won't be with him.
I've written down a list of what I won't miss to try and shake me out of this gloom but it just makes me sad. I don't miss the lying, I don't miss wondering if he'd drunk, when he'd drink next, the all consuming feeling of being around him 'in case he drank' and worrying about going out and what i'd come back to. I don't miss feeling responsible for him, for being his social network, his financial support and his destresser without him doing that for himself.
And then I have this panic, not quite guilt, but worry he doesn't know why I ended it, that he thinks i don't love him anymore, or that I don't care. I particuarly am worried about the six months before his relapse in April when he didn't drink but we just argued so much. I could'nt detach and kept getting angry at stupid things like him eating unhealthily (in my head I kept thinking if he couldn't control other aspects of his life, he's never control drinking) but I felt mean. I jsut had so much anger and distrust, I didn't know how to let it out or move on. I sniffed his breath when he kissed me, I asked him constantly if he'd been drinking and his claims were never enough. I keep thinking of this night we went for dinner to celebrate his passing his probation at work and I was still so angry and we didn't really have much to say to eachother. I couldn't let it go and I kept telling him we had nothing to say, and what did that mean. I feel cruel now.
And the thing that is hurting the most and preying on my mind is I rejected him sexually towards the end because I felt betrayed by the drinking from the past. Even though he wasn't drinking at that time (but he was essentially a dry drunk as I think he was doing it for me, not because he wanted to), I put up a protective wall and wasn't ready to let it down. But I wanted to be close to him again and rebuild our relationship but I always worried he didn't understand. Our holiday was meant to be that opportunity, he'd been going to AA since his relapse and I had hopes. Then he went and drank on day two and it was over. One of the things he said to me before he moved out was that I never wanted him to touch me or be close to him which was completely untrue and our relationship before should have told him that. That's the thing I keep playing out in my head when I'm low and I wish I could know he didn't really think that and he knew I really did love him.
Thanks for reading. I just needed to let it out.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
It is such a difficult journey isn't it? where ever we are at on the road.
This is a great place to post as that always makes things abit clearer.
I think we are all good at commenting on others situation and sometimes not quite as good at putting it into proactice for ourselves.
I have just posted how I feel today after a drunken lecture last night.....I then went back and read my first ever post almost three years ago. Not much has changed although actually alot has in baby steps kind of way.
Go with how you feel today......keep posting keep reading and remember this too will pass.
Take Care - Phiz
This is a great place to post as that always makes things abit clearer.
I think we are all good at commenting on others situation and sometimes not quite as good at putting it into proactice for ourselves.
I have just posted how I feel today after a drunken lecture last night.....I then went back and read my first ever post almost three years ago. Not much has changed although actually alot has in baby steps kind of way.
Go with how you feel today......keep posting keep reading and remember this too will pass.
Take Care - Phiz
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Anon12, ditto your post. Some of the details are different but I am feeling the same way as you today. I woke up with sadness and pain in my heart, missing the man I fell in love with, feeling guilt about all the things I did and did not do, and all the things I would have done differently. The pain you feel, I feel. I am sorry you are hurting. But the guilt we somehow need to refuse, because we did the best we could. You try to have a relationship with a person with addiction, but you truly can't. Because they are unable and unavailable. Their loyalty and attention is given to the addiction, not to us, and not to the relationship. Relationships take presence. And attention. And compromise. And sacrifice. And work. But the addiction COMMANDS that the addict give all those things to IT. The addiction makes the addict's everyday life difficult and unmanageable. So the addict uses others to support normal, everyday life because they cannot manage it alone. They are stunted and dependent people. And it is hard to be the one that is doing all the supporting and providing.
We did the best we could do. But a codependent relationship, or one that is so unbalanced, where one person just takes and takes and the other just gives and gives is not sustainable. It is not healthy. And you are capable and worth so much more. Life has so much more to offer than to just continue to be mired in toxicity and ignorance, with a parasite sucking the life out of us, poisoning our minds and the minds of our children.
Don't let the hurt paralyze you into believing your guilt. Everytime you feel the regret, everytime you think you were responsible, let it go. Refuse it. Change your focus. Don't let yourself become mired in it. The man you loved is controlled by a monster. An indestructible monster that only he and God can fight. Let go, hon, and let God.
Love from me to you this morning Anon. Love and (((hugs))). I am with you.
We did the best we could do. But a codependent relationship, or one that is so unbalanced, where one person just takes and takes and the other just gives and gives is not sustainable. It is not healthy. And you are capable and worth so much more. Life has so much more to offer than to just continue to be mired in toxicity and ignorance, with a parasite sucking the life out of us, poisoning our minds and the minds of our children.
Don't let the hurt paralyze you into believing your guilt. Everytime you feel the regret, everytime you think you were responsible, let it go. Refuse it. Change your focus. Don't let yourself become mired in it. The man you loved is controlled by a monster. An indestructible monster that only he and God can fight. Let go, hon, and let God.
Love from me to you this morning Anon. Love and (((hugs))). I am with you.
Let Go or Be Dragged
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 44
Anon12, my heart goes out to you. plz know u are not alone. I and so many others here truly do understand. we r living the same ups n downs. Everything u r feeling is normal. we r afterall, only human. Its NORMAL for a healthy, compassionate person to want to help, fix, take care of people who need helping, fixing, n taking care of. so plz, dont beat urself up. We do, however, need to recognize when a situation is beyond our help...when we just have to let go. Just last nite my ABF called. i could tell he had been crying. he wanted to come over n it took all i had to stay strong n say no. i am working on breaking free from this unhealthy, exhausting, dead end relationship. Had i allowed him to come over, i would have given in to his tears. he would have spent the night, we would have had sex, i would have fixed him breakfast, he would have left feeling we were, as he always put it, "back on track". He would go on to spend this Sunday afternoon drinking with his network of friends cuz thats what they do. And i would be spending the day hating myself cuz i "did it again". I once told him "every time u do that to me, I love u a little less and if it continues, the day will come when i dont love u at all." Maybe that day has come? maybe i was confusing pity for love cuz guess what...i feel pretty darn good this morn. i kept it together last nite. i didnt give in and i work up with a bit more self respect and self esteem. Bottom line...if forced to choose between living with another A, or being a little lonely from time to time, I choose lonely.
Hugs and keep posting!
Hugs and keep posting!
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 317
Anon, I could have written your post as well, almost verbatum! Makes me feel better...that we are not alone or crazy. Allow yourself to be sad, feel it and then get to the next day. Eventually with time it won't feel like that anymore.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Anon, a tool that has been working real well for me. Every night before bed I sit and meditate for 15 minutes. It doesn't have to be that long in the beginning, even 2 or 3 minutes will work.
My meditation is really simple. The main part is that I focus on my breath, that's it. Sometimes I count breaths, sometimes I focus on the in out and sometimes I say in my head an attribute the I want to cultivate on the out breath. The main one I use is acceptance.
This is strictly speculation on my part but I think it works by teaching me how to be calm and focused again. After all the years of chaos my default setting was worry and panic.
I can honestly say this has been a huge help in my recovery and getting back to a place of sanity and serenity. It doesn't mean I don't get feelings of sadness and missing her but now they don't happen near as often, aren't near as intense and I know they will pass and my serenity will return.
Your friend,
My meditation is really simple. The main part is that I focus on my breath, that's it. Sometimes I count breaths, sometimes I focus on the in out and sometimes I say in my head an attribute the I want to cultivate on the out breath. The main one I use is acceptance.
This is strictly speculation on my part but I think it works by teaching me how to be calm and focused again. After all the years of chaos my default setting was worry and panic.
I can honestly say this has been a huge help in my recovery and getting back to a place of sanity and serenity. It doesn't mean I don't get feelings of sadness and missing her but now they don't happen near as often, aren't near as intense and I know they will pass and my serenity will return.
Your friend,
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Originally Posted by Anon12 
I've been angry and rational about our relationship but this weekend hit me out of nowhere and I can't stop crying. I can post on other people's threads about how it gets better and I can be objective about others' situations but when it comes to me and my XABF, I am back to several weeks ago and just feeling sad at the whole thing and missing him desperately.
In the stages of grief model there is room for both anger and depression. I have experienced both many times on this journey. Just knowing it was "normal" allowed me to not beat myself up so much.
I heard a good quote once that helped me. "Anger is depression turned outward, and depression is anger turned inward."
Anger created movement for me so I preferred it, depression was harder because I could not do anything with it in the same way. They are both parts of grieving though, and often parts we have to experience more than once as we heal.
I do know this though, denying it was there, and what I was feeling just made it worse, and honestly made it last longer.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Sometimes I think we (meaning the people here who love/loved alcoholics) should take a lesson from the Admiral commanding the Queen Mary ship.
Up on that deck, the Admiral surveys the situation, TAKES (not makes) the best decision on the available information, then moves on, never looking back.
It would be too hard to change the course of the Queen Mary on a moment's doubt. You can't move the Queen Mary backwards.
The Admiral just keeps the ship moving forward, and takes the next decision as the next course and choices becomes clear.
I may be only a deckhand on this journey, but I'm trying to point my compass like the Admiral.
BothSidesNow
Up on that deck, the Admiral surveys the situation, TAKES (not makes) the best decision on the available information, then moves on, never looking back.
It would be too hard to change the course of the Queen Mary on a moment's doubt. You can't move the Queen Mary backwards.
The Admiral just keeps the ship moving forward, and takes the next decision as the next course and choices becomes clear.
I may be only a deckhand on this journey, but I'm trying to point my compass like the Admiral.
BothSidesNow
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by Anon12
I was doing so much better I thought - I've been angry and rational about our relationship but this weekend hit me out of nowhere and I can't stop crying. I can post on other people's threads about how it gets better and I can be objective about others' situations but when it comes to me and my XABF, I am back to several weeks ago and just feeling sad at the whole thing and missing him desperately.
I've done up my flat (was our flat) so it looks different, like my home, not like it was when he was living here, so nothing reminds me. I even moved the crockery around in the kitchen so everything was different! But now I'm looking at the new stuff and thinking how sad it is that i'm not sharing this with him, that I won't be with him.
I've written down a list of what I won't miss to try and shake me out of this gloom but it just makes me sad. I don't miss the lying, I don't miss wondering if he'd drunk, when he'd drink next, the all consuming feeling of being around him 'in case he drank' and worrying about going out and what i'd come back to. I don't miss feeling responsible for him, for being his social network, his financial support and his destresser without him doing that for himself.
And then I have this panic, not quite guilt, but worry he doesn't know why I ended it, that he thinks i don't love him anymore, or that I don't care. I particuarly am worried about the six months before his relapse in April when he didn't drink but we just argued so much. I could'nt detach and kept getting angry at stupid things like him eating unhealthily (in my head I kept thinking if he couldn't control other aspects of his life, he's never control drinking) but I felt mean. I jsut had so much anger and distrust, I didn't know how to let it out or move on. I sniffed his breath when he kissed me, I asked him constantly if he'd been drinking and his claims were never enough. I keep thinking of this night we went for dinner to celebrate his passing his probation at work and I was still so angry and we didn't really have much to say to eachother. I couldn't let it go and I kept telling him we had nothing to say, and what did that mean. I feel cruel now.
And the thing that is hurting the most and preying on my mind is I rejected him sexually towards the end because I felt betrayed by the drinking from the past. Even though he wasn't drinking at that time (but he was essentially a dry drunk as I think he was doing it for me, not because he wanted to), I put up a protective wall and wasn't ready to let it down. But I wanted to be close to him again and rebuild our relationship but I always worried he didn't understand. Our holiday was meant to be that opportunity, he'd been going to AA since his relapse and I had hopes. Then he went and drank on day two and it was over. One of the things he said to me before he moved out was that I never wanted him to touch me or be close to him which was completely untrue and our relationship before should have told him that. That's the thing I keep playing out in my head when I'm low and I wish I could know he didn't really think that and he knew I really did love him.
Thanks for reading. I just needed to let it out.
I've done up my flat (was our flat) so it looks different, like my home, not like it was when he was living here, so nothing reminds me. I even moved the crockery around in the kitchen so everything was different! But now I'm looking at the new stuff and thinking how sad it is that i'm not sharing this with him, that I won't be with him.
I've written down a list of what I won't miss to try and shake me out of this gloom but it just makes me sad. I don't miss the lying, I don't miss wondering if he'd drunk, when he'd drink next, the all consuming feeling of being around him 'in case he drank' and worrying about going out and what i'd come back to. I don't miss feeling responsible for him, for being his social network, his financial support and his destresser without him doing that for himself.
And then I have this panic, not quite guilt, but worry he doesn't know why I ended it, that he thinks i don't love him anymore, or that I don't care. I particuarly am worried about the six months before his relapse in April when he didn't drink but we just argued so much. I could'nt detach and kept getting angry at stupid things like him eating unhealthily (in my head I kept thinking if he couldn't control other aspects of his life, he's never control drinking) but I felt mean. I jsut had so much anger and distrust, I didn't know how to let it out or move on. I sniffed his breath when he kissed me, I asked him constantly if he'd been drinking and his claims were never enough. I keep thinking of this night we went for dinner to celebrate his passing his probation at work and I was still so angry and we didn't really have much to say to eachother. I couldn't let it go and I kept telling him we had nothing to say, and what did that mean. I feel cruel now.
And the thing that is hurting the most and preying on my mind is I rejected him sexually towards the end because I felt betrayed by the drinking from the past. Even though he wasn't drinking at that time (but he was essentially a dry drunk as I think he was doing it for me, not because he wanted to), I put up a protective wall and wasn't ready to let it down. But I wanted to be close to him again and rebuild our relationship but I always worried he didn't understand. Our holiday was meant to be that opportunity, he'd been going to AA since his relapse and I had hopes. Then he went and drank on day two and it was over. One of the things he said to me before he moved out was that I never wanted him to touch me or be close to him which was completely untrue and our relationship before should have told him that. That's the thing I keep playing out in my head when I'm low and I wish I could know he didn't really think that and he knew I really did love him.
Thanks for reading. I just needed to let it out.
When I start feeling that "missing him" feeling, I ask myself who am I missing?
You made a list - keep adding to it and keep it with you all the time. At some point, your "missing him" will turn into "missing the fantasy guy you wanted him to be". I miss the heck out of my fantasy guy. Seriously! I dream about him all the time. ; ) But he's NOT REAL. And now that I can find some acceptance in that...I can enjoy Mr. fantasy guy with some humor, and not attach all that to my stbx RAH.
He thinks... you don't know what he thinks. It may sound mean here, but you are not a mind reader. And you are dealing with an alcoholic manipulator anyway, so what he thinks should have no bearing on your decisions, thoughts, feelings, and actions.
Last bolded item from above..."completely untrue". When you start slipping into fantasy land, keep in mind how many things you tried to correct in his stinkin thinkin only to come back to complete untruths. Is this a healthy relationship?
It sounds to me a simple bout with grief over the loss of the dream you had for this relationship, and that is normal. Recognizing it for what it really is keep us in reality. Be careful not to slip the rose colored glasses back on as you look over your shoulder at the past.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
I can definitely relate to your pain here... you are not alone
I am missing my axbf as well, I even did some crying last night. But when I look back on the last few months I realize that I miss the guy he was when he was sober and nice to me. Sadly those moments were becoming few and far between at the end and were replaced by constant arguing. I think perhaps part of the struggle is just coming to terms with the loneliness.
I am still beating myself up a lot for some of the things I said as well. I know I was angry at him for continuing to drink, but am trying to find a way to be peaceful with the situation. It just wasn't working. I did not have the patience to go through so much pain and neither do you. When trust gets eroded it is a HUGE issue for both parties.
I think you probably did the best you could at the time, I know I did.
I am missing my axbf as well, I even did some crying last night. But when I look back on the last few months I realize that I miss the guy he was when he was sober and nice to me. Sadly those moments were becoming few and far between at the end and were replaced by constant arguing. I think perhaps part of the struggle is just coming to terms with the loneliness.
I am still beating myself up a lot for some of the things I said as well. I know I was angry at him for continuing to drink, but am trying to find a way to be peaceful with the situation. It just wasn't working. I did not have the patience to go through so much pain and neither do you. When trust gets eroded it is a HUGE issue for both parties.
I think you probably did the best you could at the time, I know I did.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 237
Thank you everyone for your kind and helpful posts - once again, this place is a huge support for me during this time.
Tuffgirl - yes, I am missing the fantasy, the dream of what I'd hoped we'd have but that didn't pan out. It helps to realise that as otherwise it's easy to spiral into 'what if' and 'i wish i had/hadn't'.
Mike - thanks for the tips on meditation. I am going to give that a try.
Tuffgirl - yes, I am missing the fantasy, the dream of what I'd hoped we'd have but that didn't pan out. It helps to realise that as otherwise it's easy to spiral into 'what if' and 'i wish i had/hadn't'.
Mike - thanks for the tips on meditation. I am going to give that a try.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 87
Originally Posted by Anon12
I can post on other people's threads about how it gets better and I can be objective about others' situations but when it comes to me and my XABF, I am back to several weeks ago and just feeling sad at the whole thing and missing him desperately.
I've written down a list of what I won't miss to try and shake me out of this gloom but it just makes me sad. I don't miss the lying, I don't miss wondering if he'd drunk, when he'd drink next, the all consuming feeling of being around him 'in case he drank' and worrying about going out and what i'd come back to. I don't miss feeling responsible for him, for being his social network, his financial support and his destresser without him doing that for himself.
And then I have this panic, not quite guilt, but worry he doesn't know why I ended it, that he thinks i don't love him anymore, or that I don't care. I particuarly am worried about the six months before his relapse in April when he didn't drink but we just argued so much. I could'nt detach and kept getting angry at stupid things like him eating unhealthily (in my head I kept thinking if he couldn't control other aspects of his life, he's never control drinking) but I felt mean. I jsut had so much anger and distrust, I didn't know how to let it out or move on. I sniffed his breath when he kissed me, I asked him constantly if he'd been drinking and his claims were never enough. I keep thinking of this night we went for dinner to celebrate his passing his probation at work and I was still so angry and we didn't really have much to say to eachother. I couldn't let it go and I kept telling him we had nothing to say, and what did that mean. I feel cruel now.
If/when he gets to where he needs to be, he will look back at his behavior in all areas of his life and see all the mistakes he made. And then it will be very clear to him why you ended it. And honestly (I recently realized this in my own situation too), you don't owe him anything. Think of all the pain and anguish he subjected you to. If he goes through any of that as the result of you ending it, he should be glad that's all he has to endure.
And the thing that is hurting the most and preying on my mind is I rejected him sexually towards the end because I felt betrayed by the drinking from the past. Even though he wasn't drinking at that time (but he was essentially a dry drunk as I think he was doing it for me, not because he wanted to), I put up a protective wall and wasn't ready to let it down.
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