Unexpectedly Free
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 50
Unexpectedly Free
It was as much as a month ago that I realized the need to reclaim some time and space for me. Knew it had to happen, just wasn't sure how to go about making it happen. There was never any intent to dump the XABF, just take some space for myself and have a few of my own activities. That all changed last Monday when he crept into the house and hid in the guest bedroom all night without telling me while I was at my first Al-Anon meeting.
I've been struggling for the past couple of days. That's not to say I want the crazed stalker back. Rather, I had not foreseen or prepared for completely erasing him from my life. I had no idea how much of my life he and his son occupied. Now I have whole days with no "urgent" things to hop up and run to do. If I stay up until 4am, there is no one here to complain about how I kept him awake all night when he rudely wakes me up at 7am. Instead of savoring that, I feel guilty because I slept until 10:30am!
Was never the type of person who had to have every moment of each day filled to capacity before the XABF, but 4 years of someone else who feels like something has to be going on during every waking moment of the day seems to have changed me some. I'm a little lost with the return of quiet and solitude to my rural homestead.
It is what it is and I will deal with it, of course, but it feels so awkward. I wanted to fill my evenings with Al-Anon meetings, but there wasn't one nearby on Wednesday and the one I thought was being held on Thursday must have ceased to exist. I did read a couple of chapters of my new "Al-Anon Works" book while waiting for it not to happen, so that was a good thing. Tonight there is a long established meeting nearby, so maybe I'll feel a little more anchored after an hour of human contact. Tomorrow morning is dance class, for which I have to travel a fair distance. I purchased coupons for eight classes at a studio months ago, but XABF seemed determined that I never have a single weekend moment free from him. Tai Chi and Self Defense. Between the two classes and travel time, I'll be busy for the better part of the day. Sunday morning, I can find a new church to visit.
I guess at the heart of all this is I have no one close to talk with. I keep doing things hoping to find friends and build a new network/support system. Guess I'm reeling at starting out blind like this...
I've been struggling for the past couple of days. That's not to say I want the crazed stalker back. Rather, I had not foreseen or prepared for completely erasing him from my life. I had no idea how much of my life he and his son occupied. Now I have whole days with no "urgent" things to hop up and run to do. If I stay up until 4am, there is no one here to complain about how I kept him awake all night when he rudely wakes me up at 7am. Instead of savoring that, I feel guilty because I slept until 10:30am!
Was never the type of person who had to have every moment of each day filled to capacity before the XABF, but 4 years of someone else who feels like something has to be going on during every waking moment of the day seems to have changed me some. I'm a little lost with the return of quiet and solitude to my rural homestead.
It is what it is and I will deal with it, of course, but it feels so awkward. I wanted to fill my evenings with Al-Anon meetings, but there wasn't one nearby on Wednesday and the one I thought was being held on Thursday must have ceased to exist. I did read a couple of chapters of my new "Al-Anon Works" book while waiting for it not to happen, so that was a good thing. Tonight there is a long established meeting nearby, so maybe I'll feel a little more anchored after an hour of human contact. Tomorrow morning is dance class, for which I have to travel a fair distance. I purchased coupons for eight classes at a studio months ago, but XABF seemed determined that I never have a single weekend moment free from him. Tai Chi and Self Defense. Between the two classes and travel time, I'll be busy for the better part of the day. Sunday morning, I can find a new church to visit.
I guess at the heart of all this is I have no one close to talk with. I keep doing things hoping to find friends and build a new network/support system. Guess I'm reeling at starting out blind like this...
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I've been struggling for the past couple of days. That's not to say I want the crazed stalker back. Rather, I had not foreseen or prepared for completely erasing him from my life. I had no idea how much of my life he and his son occupied. Now I have whole days with no "urgent" things to hop up and run to do. If I stay up until 4am, there is no one here to complain about how I kept him awake all night when he rudely wakes me up at 7am. Instead of savoring that, I feel guilty because I slept until 10:30am!
Was never the type of person who had to have every moment of each day filled to capacity before the XABF, but 4 years of someone else who feels like something has to be going on during every waking moment of the day seems to have changed me some. I'm a little lost with the return of quiet and solitude to my rural homestead.
Was never the type of person who had to have every moment of each day filled to capacity before the XABF, but 4 years of someone else who feels like something has to be going on during every waking moment of the day seems to have changed me some. I'm a little lost with the return of quiet and solitude to my rural homestead.
Someone said to me yesterday, be kind to yourself and find your authentic self again. That's what I'm doing.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Gosh, i thought i was the only one....
"coffee anyone? sit and lets chat"....
I cover my days with Al ANON meetings also.
this weekend is gonna be a weird one for me...my kids r off to my brothers in TORONTO, and staying the nite, my girlfriend is bringing them up there for me and i pick them up on Sunday for breakfast....i have all day to myself....dunno what i am gonna do...? movie?
"coffee anyone? sit and lets chat"....
I cover my days with Al ANON meetings also.
this weekend is gonna be a weird one for me...my kids r off to my brothers in TORONTO, and staying the nite, my girlfriend is bringing them up there for me and i pick them up on Sunday for breakfast....i have all day to myself....dunno what i am gonna do...? movie?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
Once my exah moved out I suddenly had time to do all the things I could not do while he was sucking up all my time with his drama. After 16 years I had LOTS of catching up to do
- Read books I avoided reading in front of him
- watch whatever TV shows I wanted
- go shopping and take as long as I wanted
- talk to friends openly without having to watch what I said
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 50
I was just about to post and revel about my new found comfort in freedom from AXBF at the end of my first week living alone again, and then came the message, "I'm having problems getting any help or truck. Would you help (him to move the rest of his things from my home)?" 
He has no day to day living items left in the house. Other than his gigantic dog and her ton weight house, he has nothing left here of urgent need. There is a massive amount of equipment and construction type items out in the yard. I am anxious for that junk to leave, but I can't move it alone. I do not wish to spend a very long day with the ex helping him to move it. I had hoped he would get his father and son to help him so I could just leave for the day.
For the moment, I am putting the issue in the hands of my HP. I am also putting it out here in case someone might have a creative idea for handling this that hasn't occurred to me. I want him to have his junk back, but I do not care to have direct contact with him ever again.
He has no day to day living items left in the house. Other than his gigantic dog and her ton weight house, he has nothing left here of urgent need. There is a massive amount of equipment and construction type items out in the yard. I am anxious for that junk to leave, but I can't move it alone. I do not wish to spend a very long day with the ex helping him to move it. I had hoped he would get his father and son to help him so I could just leave for the day.
For the moment, I am putting the issue in the hands of my HP. I am also putting it out here in case someone might have a creative idea for handling this that hasn't occurred to me. I want him to have his junk back, but I do not care to have direct contact with him ever again.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Just say no.
If I can figure out how pack a house, sell a house, buy a house and move four kids (the oldest being 10) with a car and zero help from my separated ah - I think he can figure out how to move some non-essential items out of your yard. He is trying to keep you on the dance floor.
If he never gets it done you can speak to a lawyer about sending him a letter giving him a deadline to get it out or you'll get rid of it on your own. Not sure what the laws on that are hence, the legal consult
If I can figure out how pack a house, sell a house, buy a house and move four kids (the oldest being 10) with a car and zero help from my separated ah - I think he can figure out how to move some non-essential items out of your yard. He is trying to keep you on the dance floor.
If he never gets it done you can speak to a lawyer about sending him a letter giving him a deadline to get it out or you'll get rid of it on your own. Not sure what the laws on that are hence, the legal consult
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
CodieBird, that desire to have no direct contact with him again is your boundary and I feel you need to honor your boundary no matter what the alcoholic needs. Even if they were urgent items.
I have noticed with alcoholics and addicts that they do things very strangely. They are inefficient and do things backwards, creating more work for themselves. And they leave their belongings all over the place, in other people's houses and yards and basements and storage places. Even important stuff like credit cards and checkbooks. I think that is part of the unmanageability of their lives the alcoholism creates. My point? They so often call on us to HELP them manage what is theirs alone to manage and we get drug into doing all sorts of things we do not want to do. For me, that has often meant manual labor that I am not built for.
Honor your boundary. Don't help him. Give it a certain amount of time he has to have the junk off your property and tell him what the due date for removal is. If and when he does not meet the deadline, call a charity or a second-hand place, or a junk man and have the stuff removed.
I have noticed with alcoholics and addicts that they do things very strangely. They are inefficient and do things backwards, creating more work for themselves. And they leave their belongings all over the place, in other people's houses and yards and basements and storage places. Even important stuff like credit cards and checkbooks. I think that is part of the unmanageability of their lives the alcoholism creates. My point? They so often call on us to HELP them manage what is theirs alone to manage and we get drug into doing all sorts of things we do not want to do. For me, that has often meant manual labor that I am not built for.
Honor your boundary. Don't help him. Give it a certain amount of time he has to have the junk off your property and tell him what the due date for removal is. If and when he does not meet the deadline, call a charity or a second-hand place, or a junk man and have the stuff removed.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 50
Excellent suggestion on the legal consult, Thumper! 
I told him that I didn't care to have direct contact, so no "help" from me. That his dog needs to leave by this Wed., but he could take until Aug 31st to make arrangements and move the rest of his things.
Given the best of all possible solutions, I'll be off of his hook by a set date. It would certainly be a relief to "lawyer up." I find it utterly bemusing that such a scofflaw has the temerity to threaten me with the force of the law whenever things don't go his way. Last Tuesday was not the first time.
I told him that I didn't care to have direct contact, so no "help" from me. That his dog needs to leave by this Wed., but he could take until Aug 31st to make arrangements and move the rest of his things.
Given the best of all possible solutions, I'll be off of his hook by a set date. It would certainly be a relief to "lawyer up." I find it utterly bemusing that such a scofflaw has the temerity to threaten me with the force of the law whenever things don't go his way. Last Tuesday was not the first time.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Great way to solve this, Codie! You might send him a registered letter or whatever they call it so that you have proof that you set these deadlines in case he ignores them and you decide to get his stuff out of your home.
BothSidesNow
BothSidesNow
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 50
Originally Posted by Learn2Live 
I have noticed with alcoholics and addicts that they do things very strangely. They are inefficient and do things backwards, creating more work for themselves. And they leave their belongings all over the place, in other people's houses and yards and basements and storage places. Even important stuff like credit cards and checkbooks. I think that is part of the unmanageability of their lives the alcoholism creates. My point? They so often call on us to HELP them manage what is theirs alone to manage and we get drug into doing all sorts of things we do not want to do. For me, that has often meant manual labor that I am not built for.
Prior to the blowup, Bozo had spent an incredible amount of time examining and pondering the soffit overhanging my front porch. A previous owner had used drywall with a vent to craft a hillbilly soffit. It had become soaked with moisture and desperately needed replacing. It has yet to be replaced. Imagine my surprise when watching HGTV's Holmes on Homes last night to see that modern pre-made soffit is available, no vents or undue labor required other than to remove the old and nail in the new (as far as I can tell). I visited the Lowes web site and learned that I could buy 100' of this stuff (of which I only need a small amount) in the correct width, for ~$12.
Money. Ugggh. Anytime I ever mentioned buying even the least little item to make a task or project less difficult, I could look into his eyes and watch his @ssh**e contract! Once he undertook to change the oil on my truck and needed an oil filter. The nearest auto parts store is a 20 minute, 10 mile drive. The rest are a 30 minute, 20+ mile drive. He was at the nearest store on an unrelated errand and inquired of my oil filter, then refused to buy it because it cost more than he thought it should. I wound up making a special trip to a further away auto parts store to spend what turned out to be $1 less on the filter. It cost me well more than $1 in gas to make the special trip!
He was brought up to keep cobbling what was broke back together and making what didn't work to work. I was not. As much as I tried to view this positively as a 'gift' he possessed, I will not miss his 'gift' at all.
I have received word back that he intends to come collect his things on Wednesday. Amazing how quickly Mr. "Helpless" worked that out, huh?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 50
Originally Posted by BothSidesNow
Great way to solve this, Codie! You might send him a registered letter or whatever they call it so that you have proof that you set these deadlines in case he ignores them and you decide to get his stuff out of your home.
Since he's moving faster than initially indicated, I'll send a letter detailing our agreement and get a Delivery Confirmation put on it (doubtful he'd pick up a signature required letter). That way I have some bit of quasi-formal documentation regarding the communication that transpired between us about his things. I hope that's enough?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 50
Even though communication was brief and to the point, it has somehow drained me. That and the thought of the freezers that must be defrosted and rearranged, with the bulk of the food mine and needing to fit into my small freezer so he can take his larger one from the porch.
My blood sugar (diabetes) is way out of whack and will probably remain so until Wednesday has come and gone.
Want to attend an Al-Anon meeting tonight. Opting a 'no excuses' attitude. I must build a support network for myself. That's probably more important than defrosting freezers or hanging onto frozen chickens and a side of pork.
My blood sugar (diabetes) is way out of whack and will probably remain so until Wednesday has come and gone.
Want to attend an Al-Anon meeting tonight. Opting a 'no excuses' attitude. I must build a support network for myself. That's probably more important than defrosting freezers or hanging onto frozen chickens and a side of pork.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 149
:rotfxko
Money. Ugggh. Anytime I ever mentioned buying even the least little item to make a task or project less difficult, I could look into his eyes and watch his @ssh**e contract!
My ABF is the SAME when it comes to money, this litterally made me laugh out loud, sometimes it just feels good to laugh.
Money. Ugggh. Anytime I ever mentioned buying even the least little item to make a task or project less difficult, I could look into his eyes and watch his @ssh**e contract!
My ABF is the SAME when it comes to money, this litterally made me laugh out loud, sometimes it just feels good to laugh.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 50
Nice to enjoy a bit of fleeting humor, Shutterbug! There is so much to laugh about once thoroughly divested of stbx.
Sadly, he used vagueness to once again have me preparing for something that wasn't really going to happen. I broke down and defrosted both of our freezers, putting his side of pork and a few other items into his freezer. It was an exhausting job. When done, I dozed off and didn't wake up until too late for my local Al-Anon meeting. Earlier, I'd texted my best friend offering her some home raised chickens that wouldn't fit into my small freezer. She later replied to say that stbx had phoned her husband asking to borrow his trailer "sometime" and said that he had no room for the freezer, that I could keep it. She also said that stbx had told her hubby that he really wanted to talk to me. My friend knows I've had enough, and probably her husband too.
So I mistook his saying that he'd be here on Wednesday to mean that he would be here to collect everything that was left. I guess he's only coming to collect his dog. How many times have I made this mistake over the course of 4 years?
Instead of spending a glorious day out hiking in the woods and attending a far away CoDA meeting while stbx clears out, I must back up a few steps and visit a local lawyer for a consult. It is unlikely that stbx's visit to pick up his dog will take more than 30 minutes, but he has not specified a time. That's no accident. (sigh) If the past is any indicator, he has done this so I have to call or endure an endless round of texts and blow a whole day to not find out what he intends to do. Control, control, control...
Sadly, he used vagueness to once again have me preparing for something that wasn't really going to happen. I broke down and defrosted both of our freezers, putting his side of pork and a few other items into his freezer. It was an exhausting job. When done, I dozed off and didn't wake up until too late for my local Al-Anon meeting. Earlier, I'd texted my best friend offering her some home raised chickens that wouldn't fit into my small freezer. She later replied to say that stbx had phoned her husband asking to borrow his trailer "sometime" and said that he had no room for the freezer, that I could keep it. She also said that stbx had told her hubby that he really wanted to talk to me. My friend knows I've had enough, and probably her husband too.
So I mistook his saying that he'd be here on Wednesday to mean that he would be here to collect everything that was left. I guess he's only coming to collect his dog. How many times have I made this mistake over the course of 4 years?
Instead of spending a glorious day out hiking in the woods and attending a far away CoDA meeting while stbx clears out, I must back up a few steps and visit a local lawyer for a consult. It is unlikely that stbx's visit to pick up his dog will take more than 30 minutes, but he has not specified a time. That's no accident. (sigh) If the past is any indicator, he has done this so I have to call or endure an endless round of texts and blow a whole day to not find out what he intends to do. Control, control, control...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 50
For once he got clear and told me his plan for picking up his dog. I took one of my dogs to the vet while he visited to collect her.
The blood values of my dear 11yo veteran leader are hinting at liver cancer. She's barely eaten for the past week. Given her age and reticent personality, my emphasis will be upon keeping her comfortable and enjoying good quality of life. Invasive procedures or intense treatments just wouldn't be her style. The vet has her on antibiotics and a liver support supplement with milk thistle. We'll evaluate the situation again once she's finished off this round of meds.
Stbx left a letter for me on the porch. I set it aside. Maybe I'll take a peek at it when I'm done my busy week and back from D.C.
The blood values of my dear 11yo veteran leader are hinting at liver cancer. She's barely eaten for the past week. Given her age and reticent personality, my emphasis will be upon keeping her comfortable and enjoying good quality of life. Invasive procedures or intense treatments just wouldn't be her style. The vet has her on antibiotics and a liver support supplement with milk thistle. We'll evaluate the situation again once she's finished off this round of meds.
Stbx left a letter for me on the porch. I set it aside. Maybe I'll take a peek at it when I'm done my busy week and back from D.C.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
