gfneedshelp22

Hello everyone! And thank you for clicking on my thread. I am a newbie here, and in need of some advice. Let me give you some background information.

My boyfriend and I are recovering opiate addicts. We were actively using for 2-3 years (can't remember exact time, it was all kind of a fog) and have been sober from opiates for 10 months now. It is the best gift that I have given myself. I have now found healthy outlets such as fitness, nutrition, and dieting. I am back in nursing school, and enjoying life to the fullest. I am on suboxone for maintenance, and am slowly tapering off. I would like to call my new found sobriety a success story, but I am taking it one day at a time, so for now, it is a successful journey.

I write to you today, because I can't exactly say the same for my boyfriend. For some reason, he found it to be a bad thing to be on suboxone. He wanted off as quickly as he could. He actually managed to come off of a high dose quite quickly, which I was proud of. Except for the fact that he did it by replacing one evil with another. When he would experience withdrawal symptoms from tapering down quickly from the suboxone, he would drink some whiskey to take the edge off. At first, I didn't think much of it. (Probably not the best thought or lack of thought I have ever had). He only did it every once in a while, so I didn't even consider it becoming a problem. However, over time it got more and more frequent, and he began to drink even when he wasn't withdrawing. So 3 months down the road, he completely quit the suboxone, and was now drinking about a half pint of Jack every other day. This has slowly progressed from them, and he is now up to a half pint, often more, rarely less of Jack daily. I know he has a problem, but as a recovering addict, I also know that it is nearly impossible to get somebody to quit if they are not ready themselves.

His mother and I don't get along, because of mistakes I made as a user. However, she has recently come to me as she has noticed his problem as well. She wants to meet with me tonight for coffee, and discuss what we can do to stop this. I noticed a trend when we were discussing quitting opiates with her. She often blamed me for his habit, said that he wasn't the "addict type," and his addiction was just physical and not mental. She holds him on a pedestal (which I can't blame her for, he's really an amazing guy) and I fear that this will prevent her from truely seeing that he is in fact an alcoholic. The other day, she had him promise not to drink, and he did anyways. This hurt her, and she couldn't understand why I was telling her not to take it personally. She also blames the carpenters that he works with. They are not to blame, although they don't help. They are all alcoholics themselves. (I am a secretary for the place he works for, I know them all personally) She refuses to look up information on alcoholism, as she believes he doesn't have alcoholism, he is just addicted to alcohol temporarily. If that makes sense. Anyways, I was wondering if any of you have any advice on what I can talk about with her tonight? To help her not push him away and just make him angry? I get the feeling that she wants him to just quit because he loves her. I know he loves her, but addiction is a powerful thing, and at this point I don't believe he is capable of making his own decision on choosing the bottle or his mother. Advice for me would be great too. I am a recovering addict, and I was great at helping myself, but not so sure how I will be helping someone I can't relate to at the present moment. Again, I know I can't do anything to make him want to quit unless he wants to do it himself, I am just hoping to get some advice on coping, helping his mom cope, and being there for him once he is ready to quit. Thank you!

Pelican

For you both, I recommend the 3 C's of addiction:

You did not Cause it
You can't Control it
You won't Cure it

His addiction belongs to him.

and for you if she tries to manipulate you into controlling her son:

Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I can not change (people, places, things)
Courage to change the things I can (me, myself and I)
and Wisdom to know the difference.
(repeat as needed)

Learn2Live

I'm not sure what she thinks you are going to be able to do, or why his addiction and alcoholism is your problem. Because his addiction and alcoholism are HIS problem, solely his, and you cannot help him. Neither can his mother. If it were me, I would tell her what I've just told you and suggest she go to Al-Anon and Nar-Anon.

gfneedshelp22

Thank you for your response. I have suggested these things to her, and she has denied them previously. I'm looking for ways to help her to see that her son is no different than any other alcoholic/addict. She refuses to read literature on it, and refuses to attend meetings. I am aware that I can't help him until he asks for help, as I have been through addiction as well.

suki44883

Just as you realize you cannot help him stop using, you cannot help her stop trying to help him. There are many MANY mothers here who have dealt with this issue, and they will tell you that they ran themselves ragged trying to fix things, but finally had to accept that there is nothing they can do until the addict decides ON THEIR OWN to get help.

If she refuses to read literature or attend meetings, there is nothing more you can do for her. Detachment doesn't just mean from the addict themselves, it also means from anyone who attempts to involve you in the drama.

Adventure

Hi GF

Firstly, can I just say well done you for your successful day-by-day journey. From where I’m sitting, you sound like you have your head screwed on as far as your own well-being is concerned.

With regard to your BF’s mother, welcome to my world (kind of). My MIL was making a lot of contact with me a month or so ago to see how she can help AH. She is an “undiagnosed” A herself, in total denial, so it was always going to be a struggle/pointless dealing with her. I tried to explain that everything she was suggesting for AH were things I had tried many, many times before I started my own recovery, but it didn’t make a difference. I have had to completely distance myself from her for a long time – she can be a nasty piece of work to be honest – and I’ve had to do that again now.

If your BF’s mother is refusing to consider Al Anon and refusing to educate herself there is ZERO you can do for her. Personally, I would suggest going No Contact with her – nothing productive can come of these conversations. You have enough on your own plate.

As someone who has battled addiction, I am sure you will recognise that there isn’t much you can do for your BF if he’s not willing to consider quitting. You need to look after yourself now. Figure out what you are willing to put up with, set your boundaries and stick to them.

You are the most important person in your life and you deserve happiness, peace and serenity.

Adventure

Katiekate

She is using you as a buffer, she fears that it she presses him about his addiction he will go away. She is probably right.

Tell her she needs to talk to him. Get yourself out of the middle of this.

Protect your sobriety, that is your main concern. I;m not sure this is a good situation for you to be in.

sparklingeyes

You can say what I told my fiancee's mother, "When he and God are ready, God will remove his additional tion. The best way for that to happen is for you to focus on your own life and pray for him."