Amber23

okay so I know i can't enable etc, but I can't pay the rent. I don't want to ask my family as they are not in a position and I want him to figure it out. I know his family would do it as AH is putting his sober "plan" in action....or so he says.

He is going to AA (tho still drinking) and once his insurance starts in 2 weeks he plans to get a therapist and see dr. for withdrawal meds....honestly I doubt he is ready to stop drinking that soon, but for basis of my question I will go along with this idea.

My point is that I have not dealt with the rent issue because I want him to deal with it, but as it approaches I am nervous. I pay the rent and the bills with my meager paycheck..(I work part-time because I have a daughter and AH cannot always watch her).cannot imagine not paying MY rent & bills. I know he plans to ask his mother and I bet she will agree. I know this is enabling...but what else can I do?

I thought about disagreeing to it and making him talk to the landlord (we can pay it mid month), but this makes me feel so ashamed. And maybe that's the key.....That this is the state of my life and I need to accept it.

I just don't know what to do. I don't want the landlord to question our ability to pay rent as this is a great place for what we can afford and we rent month to month. He seems to be confronting his issues (although slowly) which makes it "seem" less enabling...

Katiekate

Hey there. You said you were going to let him deal with it.

Let him.

This recovery is about you, you will never stop others from enabling him, you can only control what you do.

I'm sorry you are stuggling.

love to you Katie

Adventure

Hi Amber

I wasn't sure what to tell you, but having read Katie's response she is absolutely right.

I know we've "discussed" the topic of in-laws before, and you're aware of my feelings about in-laws and their involvement in my life. I wouldn't want a single thing from mine, but I do understand that you are in a difficult situation if your rent won't be paid.

It's a shame you feel this way. Maybe you just mean in the right now? That you have to accept how things are right now? You know we don't have or need to accept anything that is unacceptable, and unfortunately how your AH is choosing to live his life is unacceptable. It is now having a dramatic financial affect on you which is made all the more frustrating because he won't have to suffer the consequences as his parents will cover his a$$, and will continue to do so.

Katie has hit the nail on the head - YOU can only control what YOU do - and you can choose to accept this life or you can choose not to accept it. So long as his parents continue to enable, it is way less likely anything will change.

Mind yourself
Adventure

Thumper

Agree!!

I would also start putting together a very concrete plan to become financially independent.

Tuffgirl

I am going to take a different point of view here...given I have been a landlord in the past as well as been in a situation where I had to pay rent late, as well. First of all, if you are on the lease, I believe you have a financial obligation to your landlord, too. If its only in his name, well...then you can decide if you want to turn this one over to him and tell him to fix it.

My humble suggestion would be to talk to the landlord together. Go into this meeting with a payment plan that shows you intend to pay rent, just a little slow as you "get back on your feet" or whatever your reasoning is. Let your landlord know you have no intention of completely defaulting. Show your husband how to have a rational conversation while accepting your responsibilities. It may be a lesson he's needing to learn.

I much preferred accepting late rent to no rent at all, and if someone made a concerted effort to work with me, I was very reasonable about it all. Life happens, ya know?

But if you turn it over to him, and he asks his Mom for the $, you will have to be ok with that, too. If you make his problem to fix and he fixes it, it really leaves you no right to come back and judge him on how he chose to fix it...

Take what works and leave the rest...
~T

outtolunch

Active addicts and alcoholics and those new to recovery tend to make lousy parents. This guy bought beer just days into sobriety after a visit to the ER. Attending an AA meeting is just pretending, assuming he even attends.

You have no control over any of this and he's not going to just snap out of it.

As for the rent, how does your husband plan to handle this?

Learn2Live

Amber, whether or not someone ELSE chooses to enable him is out of your control and therefore not your business. Just focus on YOUR side of the street.

Amber23

Thanks all. Good points...

His mother sent a check for rent (and wrote Rent in the memo) AH says he didn't ask for it, but knowing him he probably hinted. I thought I would feel relief upon getting it, but I was detached and then annoyed. his mom sent us a text letting us know she sent it and said that if we could put $150 aside a week of our monies for rent she would continue to cover the remaining of rent....

whaaaatt??

This is exactly why I don't like accepting people's help....

MIL is very type A personality and an accountant (i am studying and working as a bookkeeper) so I understand her good practical intentions. BUT I don't need help int the theory of budgeting for my expenses....I have only once ever asked my family for money ($150) and returned it quickly after.....So a) i feel slightly insulted (although i can process and get past that), b) feel like there will be expectations on her end, c) slightly controlled as if this is her way of controlling how our money is spent....

If she only understood it's not a budgeting issue but unemployed AH spending $20 - $30 a day that is causing this.

I have been working part time and going to school. Remaining financial aid has made AH unemployment manageable. I messed up on my school dates and would have had the rent, but have to wait 3 weeks.

I want to thank her for the generous offer, but graciously decline and pay her back in a few weeks....but I know she will balk at this...

Am I crazy to think this is a little too much?

I grew up in poverty and I pride myself on not being a victim and I believe I am responsible for my own path in life.

Thumper

I think you are focusing on the wrong thing. I spent 15 years trying to manage a budget with my xah, including hiding checkbooks and cards, separating accounts, leaving my purse at work, and dozens of different budget plans and strategies. It does not work. He always found a way around it. He sold things ( like his vehicle ! ) bartered things, took loans from family promising tax returns, raided his 8yo's piggy bank, and more. It is like staving off the ocean with a tea cup.

Don't waist your time wringing your hands over your MIL. She is not the problem.