Please Help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 1
Please Help
Im a 17 year old daughter in a family of 6 kids. I think my dad is an alcoholic. my mom told us a few years ago that he was depressed but now I think it might be because of his alcoholism. Even though my mom never mentioned alcoholism, I think he has it. I remember when I was about 9 I found an Alcoholics Anonymous book in our house but it went right over my head. but the other day it clicked. the other day i was helping my older sisters clean our cabinets out before they went back to college and we found about 15 beer cans and bottles. mostly dusty but some seemed newer. Then we also found some on top of tall cabinets and under my parents' bed and in our truck and under sinks, basically everywhere. in total we found Id say about 30 or so cans and bottles, mostly beer but also some whisky, brandy, and other types of hard alcohol. im really worried because my dad seems like all he does is buy beer and drink it. he mostly buys the big 16oz cans and drinks 2 or 3 every night. I dont know what to do. last year he said he needed to stop drinking. i reminded him, but he got really mad at me and said he never said that but that he said he maybe wanted to. I want to confront him about it, but i know he will get mad. our relationship isn't good but it's not bad, i don't want to ruin it by talking to him about it. i cant tell my mom i know because she goes through a lot to pay for my older sisters for college and she is always stressed out and stuff. Im just trying to protect my 2 younger sisters from finding out, so i go around in search of bottles and cans. i hate being so responsible for my irresponsible dad. im beginning to hate him in many ways even though i love him. every time i look at him i think of the problems he is causing. I need to know what to do. please. thank you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 173
Hi PeaceForever;
Wow, that is a lot on your young shoulders. I want you to remember this little saying,
"I didnt cause this, I cant control it and I cant cure it." That may help you sort out what you can and cannot do in this situation. It is very sad to see someone in our lives that we love so much hurt themselves this way. Maybe your parents are struggling to hold it all together and sometimes you feel like you are not having your needs met. I hope that you can rely on a responsible adult to help you and your siblings through this. There are Al-anon meetings to help family members of alcoholics - and of course this website. Glad you are here!!
Wow, that is a lot on your young shoulders. I want you to remember this little saying,
"I didnt cause this, I cant control it and I cant cure it." That may help you sort out what you can and cannot do in this situation. It is very sad to see someone in our lives that we love so much hurt themselves this way. Maybe your parents are struggling to hold it all together and sometimes you feel like you are not having your needs met. I hope that you can rely on a responsible adult to help you and your siblings through this. There are Al-anon meetings to help family members of alcoholics - and of course this website. Glad you are here!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Oh, PeaceForever, this is so much for you to shoulder, and you are being very brave. Try looking at the posts on lots of the Sober Recovery forums. There is one for Adult Children of Alcoholics and you might find lots of people who struggled with what you are dealing with now.
It is always right, useful, necessary to talk to people about what is going on, and I think you can find lots of help here. I'm sure tomorrow, when lots more people are up and about, you'll get lots of responses.
If you can find a local Alateen meeting, that would help you so much. Just google Alanon or Alateen and you can enter your city and state and see what's available.
Talk to you again,
BothSidesNow
It is always right, useful, necessary to talk to people about what is going on, and I think you can find lots of help here. I'm sure tomorrow, when lots more people are up and about, you'll get lots of responses.
If you can find a local Alateen meeting, that would help you so much. Just google Alanon or Alateen and you can enter your city and state and see what's available.
Talk to you again,
BothSidesNow
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Welcome, Peaceforever.
It is very likely your mother knows that your father is an alcoholic.
To not communicate about an alcoholic in the family does not have a good outcome. It is common for families of alcoholics to not communicate about it. In fact, there is a phrase that describes what the unspoken rule is in a family of alcoholism: Don't Talk, Don't Trust, Don't Tell.
What happens when that rule is followed is that nothing changes, no one gets help, and the family continues to be damaged.
My suggestion is that you ask your mother to lunch or for a drive to a park. You sit down and you say, "Mom, we need to talk about Dad's alcoholism. We need to talk about it, and we need to go to Al-Anon for help in dealing with it. Will you go with me to an Al-Anon meeting for families of alcoholics?"
You can tell her about all the hidden bottles, but I think she already knows.
If she will not go to a meeting with you, you can go on your own. Or you can ask her if you can see a counselor for a while because you need support as the child of an untreated alcoholic.
If she will not support you in either of those options, you can find a meeting of Adult Children of Alcoholics and just go on your own. All you have to do is sit in the room and listen to people talk. They have experience and wisdom, and they share how they are dealing with alcoholism in their families. There are also free materials at meetings you can take home and read and perhaps share with your mother if she is open.
Even though the family wants to pretend that one of its members is not an alcoholic, the alcoholic is in fact addicted for life. He will be an alcoholic all his life. Drinking, as he is now. Or sober, which he may become. And his family will always be a family of alcoholism. In recovery or not in recovery.
It is well known that recovery for an alcoholic usually begins with recovery first in the family. The family leaves him to his drinking but they seek help in knowing the right way to handle their feelings and reactions to the drinking. They begin their own recovery.
They learn not to be enablers. When they do this--especially if your mother does this--then the alcoholic is helped to face the reality of his addiction. But families have to be taught how to stop enabling. Al-Anon meetings and literature can help. A counselor can help.
You can be the person in your family who starts recovery. Doing so actually gives your father has a much better chance to get well. You cannot control his drinking or cure his drinking. You never cause it and have not ever caused it, it is a brain disease.
But when one member of a family of alcoholism seeks help, then unhealthy patterns in the family start changing to healthier ones. And when that happens, consistently, over time, it can influence an alcoholic's decision to seek treatment or to go to AA.
Please remember that your parents' marriage is not and never will be your concern. It is private and the effects his drinking have on the marriage are private. As well, your father's potential sobriety or perhaps his continued drinking to the end of his days..is his business. Your mother's choice to seek help as his spouse or not to seek help....is her business.
You can make your choices, however, to help yourself deal with the effects on your life and on your emotional health from living with an alcoholic father.
When family members stop pretending and acknowledge to each other that a family member has an addiction, when the denial and the pretending stop, each family member feels less crazy, less confused, and is helped to live without so much dread.
When communication is open and honest between family members about the addiction, everyone feels saner and safer.
I hope you begin to seek help for yourself. And I hope your mother and father enter recovery. But that will be up to them.
When you go to college, you will usually find an Al-Anon meeting on campus or very nearby. It will feel so good when you sit with other young people and get recovery.
We are glad you found SR. Post anytime you need support, we are here for you.
It is very likely your mother knows that your father is an alcoholic.
To not communicate about an alcoholic in the family does not have a good outcome. It is common for families of alcoholics to not communicate about it. In fact, there is a phrase that describes what the unspoken rule is in a family of alcoholism: Don't Talk, Don't Trust, Don't Tell.
What happens when that rule is followed is that nothing changes, no one gets help, and the family continues to be damaged.
My suggestion is that you ask your mother to lunch or for a drive to a park. You sit down and you say, "Mom, we need to talk about Dad's alcoholism. We need to talk about it, and we need to go to Al-Anon for help in dealing with it. Will you go with me to an Al-Anon meeting for families of alcoholics?"
You can tell her about all the hidden bottles, but I think she already knows.
If she will not go to a meeting with you, you can go on your own. Or you can ask her if you can see a counselor for a while because you need support as the child of an untreated alcoholic.
If she will not support you in either of those options, you can find a meeting of Adult Children of Alcoholics and just go on your own. All you have to do is sit in the room and listen to people talk. They have experience and wisdom, and they share how they are dealing with alcoholism in their families. There are also free materials at meetings you can take home and read and perhaps share with your mother if she is open.
Even though the family wants to pretend that one of its members is not an alcoholic, the alcoholic is in fact addicted for life. He will be an alcoholic all his life. Drinking, as he is now. Or sober, which he may become. And his family will always be a family of alcoholism. In recovery or not in recovery.
It is well known that recovery for an alcoholic usually begins with recovery first in the family. The family leaves him to his drinking but they seek help in knowing the right way to handle their feelings and reactions to the drinking. They begin their own recovery.
They learn not to be enablers. When they do this--especially if your mother does this--then the alcoholic is helped to face the reality of his addiction. But families have to be taught how to stop enabling. Al-Anon meetings and literature can help. A counselor can help.
You can be the person in your family who starts recovery. Doing so actually gives your father has a much better chance to get well. You cannot control his drinking or cure his drinking. You never cause it and have not ever caused it, it is a brain disease.
But when one member of a family of alcoholism seeks help, then unhealthy patterns in the family start changing to healthier ones. And when that happens, consistently, over time, it can influence an alcoholic's decision to seek treatment or to go to AA.
Please remember that your parents' marriage is not and never will be your concern. It is private and the effects his drinking have on the marriage are private. As well, your father's potential sobriety or perhaps his continued drinking to the end of his days..is his business. Your mother's choice to seek help as his spouse or not to seek help....is her business.
You can make your choices, however, to help yourself deal with the effects on your life and on your emotional health from living with an alcoholic father.
When family members stop pretending and acknowledge to each other that a family member has an addiction, when the denial and the pretending stop, each family member feels less crazy, less confused, and is helped to live without so much dread.
When communication is open and honest between family members about the addiction, everyone feels saner and safer.
I hope you begin to seek help for yourself. And I hope your mother and father enter recovery. But that will be up to them.
When you go to college, you will usually find an Al-Anon meeting on campus or very nearby. It will feel so good when you sit with other young people and get recovery.
We are glad you found SR. Post anytime you need support, we are here for you.
BeenThere
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 7
I surely do relate to what you are sharing here, and I would encourage you to go to an Al-Anon or Al-A-Teen meeting to find out how to deal with your dad's drinking. I'm in AA, and I can tell you that our Big Book text reminds us that we don't label another alcoholic, that is one disease that they must admit/diagnose for themselves. He's obviously got a problem with drinking, but try hard not to label him, he will resent it and resist any type of suggestions you have for him to get help.
Get help for yourself so that his ongoing drinking will not cause you further angst. The first post stated: "I didnt cause this, I cant control it and I cant cure it." is the mantra of Al-Anon, and they learn to detatch from the problem with love. You will still love your dad, but you will accept your own powerlessness in trying to change him. Get a solid conscious contact with your own Higher Power, talk to that HP and share your concerns and do this everyday....then trust Him for whatever the outcome.
I'm sure your dad is aware of how upsetting this is to the family, and he is still in denial that he has a problem. Seeing you get help for yourself will show him that he too possibly needs help, and when he asks, you can suggest AA or rehab to him. In my experience, interventions are very problematic. Unless everyone involved is of one accord, there will be divisions and the drinker will see that they are not united for his cause. Still, those that are united usually have good results. Discuss it with the rest of your family, have resources available for your dad and your family, have your facts on drinking (printing them out is very good) and present a united appeal to your dad. Be sure that you all agree on the same way to do this.
For the you and the family, Al-Anon and Al-A-Teen are very helpful. Tap that resource and become a participant in those meetings. I assure you, it will help you immensely.
Good luck, PF, I will pray for you and your family.
Get help for yourself so that his ongoing drinking will not cause you further angst. The first post stated: "I didnt cause this, I cant control it and I cant cure it." is the mantra of Al-Anon, and they learn to detatch from the problem with love. You will still love your dad, but you will accept your own powerlessness in trying to change him. Get a solid conscious contact with your own Higher Power, talk to that HP and share your concerns and do this everyday....then trust Him for whatever the outcome.
I'm sure your dad is aware of how upsetting this is to the family, and he is still in denial that he has a problem. Seeing you get help for yourself will show him that he too possibly needs help, and when he asks, you can suggest AA or rehab to him. In my experience, interventions are very problematic. Unless everyone involved is of one accord, there will be divisions and the drinker will see that they are not united for his cause. Still, those that are united usually have good results. Discuss it with the rest of your family, have resources available for your dad and your family, have your facts on drinking (printing them out is very good) and present a united appeal to your dad. Be sure that you all agree on the same way to do this.
For the you and the family, Al-Anon and Al-A-Teen are very helpful. Tap that resource and become a participant in those meetings. I assure you, it will help you immensely.
Good luck, PF, I will pray for you and your family.
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
I could have written something very similar to this when I was your age (but I only have one sibling, and both of my parents were drunks equally in denial about the others' problems). The internet didn't exist when I was your age (crazy !!), I'm SO happy you found this place. I had no one to talk to, and I internalized most of the crap I was growing up with. None of it is your responsibility.. not facing it, hiding it, protecting it, or trying to address it. My parents stopped drinking when I was 19 after we had a blow up because I was concerned about my younger brother having to deal with their **** alone (I had gone away to college) and I pretty much threatened to call child protection (I don't think I was serious, I was just desperate, and I don't really recommend that route.. it's just what I did). I have absolutely no idea what I would have done if they had continued drinking, even though it wasn't something I could control, I had parented my brother for years and felt responsible for him (so unfair..). I went through bouts of feeling suicidal, depressed, I was (and still am) so angry.. I stuffed it down and eventually became an alcoholic despite how much I hated alcoholism.
Please try to find some support, and please keep posting here. Growing up with alcoholics affected me for life... but there are some things you can learn to do to distance yourself from all of it. PM me if you'd like.. there's a lot I would tell my 17 year old self looking back now
Hugs to you, I know how much it hurts.
Please try to find some support, and please keep posting here. Growing up with alcoholics affected me for life... but there are some things you can learn to do to distance yourself from all of it. PM me if you'd like.. there's a lot I would tell my 17 year old self looking back now
Hugs to you, I know how much it hurts.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
