seriynochi

Hello all,

Been lurking on these forums the past week or so. My husband of three years is an alcoholic. Lately his drinking has been a lot worse. I'm really starting to consider separation or divorce. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this because I don't have many friends and I'm embarrassed. He doesn't physically hurt me when he's drinking but he's really disrespectful and acts like a totally different person. He's in his thirties and doesn't want to work, etc to support us because he "just wants to have fun". Thankfully, we don't have children. I'm going to try to find an al-anon meeting to go to (and I'm terrified of going alone, but yeah), and I see my therapist this week so maybe she can give me advice. Anyway, that's my story, thanks for reading.

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Katiekate

Welcome Seri, So glad you found us.



Looking forward to hearing more from you.

Katie xo

Seren

Hello seriynochi!

I'm really sorry to hear about your husband. There is no one here who can tell you whether to stay or go, and that is a decision you don't have to make right this second. It's wise of you to take your time, gather support, and decide what will be best for you!

Yes, Mr. HG and I were a bit nervous about going to our first Al-Anon meeting, too. But getting real-life, face-to-face support was invaluable for us!

Tuffgirl

Welcome, seriynochi! I am glad you found us and hope you find the strength and understanding here that I have.

That first AL-Anon meeting is tough. Took me a few tries to stop driving through the parking lot and actually go in. But once I did, it was like i was right at home. Give it a few tries. It's like coming here, only in real life, and being surrounded by people who have all been right where you are today. Instant understanding and support.

Keep reading here, and keep posting, it really does help to get it all out of our heads. Lastly, keep coming back!
~T

Learn2Live

This is EXACTLY what my A&AXBF just said to me last week, after he walked out on me, our relationship, our home, and our future; he just wants to have fun. Nevermind how much work this house is. Nevermind the commitment he made to me to be mutually supportive. Nevermind EVERYTHING. Thank you for sharing. In the past day and a half, I have had to Accept that THIS is who he is. He is not going to change. He has the emotional capacity of a 13-year old. I've been trying to have a mature adult relationship with a 13-year old "man." Do I want to get back together with him, or try to lure him back here? HELL NO. My life and my responsibilities are more than enough for me to handle. I do not need a big giant baby who sucks the life out of me and doesn't take adult responsibilities, dragging me down and stressing me out. NO ONE is worth my own peace and serenity.

OhBoy

Going to my first ALANON meeting was quite possibly the hardest thing I had ever done. That being said, when I left I was wondering why in the hell I didn't do it earlier! When you walk you through that door you will instantly have a whole bunch of friends who have/are going through exactly what you are going through! When I walked out of there, the feeling of being all alone in the world was gone. Knowing there is someone to talk to who genuinely understands is HUGE! I used to try to talk to people about what I was going through with my AW & they just didn't get it. It made me feel so isolated, like it was my problem alone.

I second Hydrogirls comment about not needing to make a decision this second. I thought I needed to make a lot of decisions right away & I wasn't able to make a good choice for any of them because in my head they were all mangled together. I had to take a look at em & figure out what my choices were.

For me it was really hard to make myself see that my wifes drinking was as bad as it was (is). It was tough for me to accept that it was real. I lurked here for months, if I posted, then it was real. Same thing with my first meeting, it would be real if I went. I couldn't just dismiss it into that comfortable blanket of denial. It's such a warm, cozy, comfy blanket too! Now I'm better, not great, not even good sometimes but A WHOLE LOT BETTER THAN WHAT I WAS!!!!! I still visit that place occasionally but know I need to leave there & know I have the power to.

allysen

Welcome! I also hid my AH's drinking from everyone for years. Once I opened up, it was like the weight of the world lifted. And I finally realized that his drinking is NOT a reflection on ME. I also learned some of my friends had gone through the same thing - go figure! My first Al-Anon meeting was hard. I cried during the meeting, I cried in the parking lot after, and I cried driving all the way home - like others said, it was because it was all of a sudden real. But it got easier and I did go to Al-Anon again. Now, when I leave the meetings I feel so much better and I'm so glad I went.

Left

Sometimes it just the holding of their secret that weighs on us. I've had to learn to let go of xaw secrets, I can't protect her anymore up to her now.

seriynochi

Thanks everybody. I am going to al-anon on Tuesday. We had a big fight last night and this morning he told me he was going to stop drinking.. Wouldnt that be nice. He's said that before a million times and I won't believe it. Ugh. Looking forward to Tuesday.

FifiRhubarb

Seriy, you started your post out like me AND we both live in the PNW! I am thinking about going to a meeting too, but don't know if I should...

seriynochi

Fifi, you should go, I am going with a friend tomorrow night so it's not as scary. Will let you know how it goes. Hubby said he was going to stop drinking but then announced he's not going to, just going to "cut back". We'll see. Actions speak louder than words.

rebeccarobinson

Very often that first step is the most terrifying.
I wonder what would have happened to me if my friends had not used a tough love approach. Sure, I didn't like it, but, I respected their position. I guess what I am sayiing is... if you haven't said anything to him about this you really should, if you have and you are getting nowhere fast. Then consider your options and do what is best for you, always thinking about how you can help him without putting yourself in emotional turmoil.
Am glad to hear he has not been abusive, however, from what I am reading, correct me if I am wrong, he is emotionally abusinve by his being disrespectful.
Go to Al-Anon and remember they all had to take the first step, too. No one is there to judge you or anyone else. We are all in this together, it is a community just like this is a community of people with common denominators who want to seek answers, get help, find comfort and yes even let their hair down a little.
Good luck and remember your husband makes his own choices and please don't fall into the trap of thinking you did something to cause his problem. Itis his problem and simply because of relationship, you are drawn in. You did not cause any of it.
We love you and are pulling for you!