Confused! Please help.

Old 07-03-2012, 10:56 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2
Question Confused! Please help.

Hi... I am new to this group, but not to the alcoholic. I grew up in an alcoholic home and low and behold if I haven't been married to one for 18 yrs. I moved out in December of 2010 into my own home and have one child (special needs) to whom is still at home with me. He is now in rehab and all three kids and I went to go to a family visit yesterday, now this went well and he seems happy, he even said he wanted to stay longer then the 40 days of treatment. Now my confusion is I as the wife am scheduled to go in there next week and tell him how I feel. My thoughts are.... You are in here to work on you... Not our marriage, our marriage hasn't been an importance to you in the last 3 yrs so why now? If I go in there and let off on him, is that going to set him back? Aren't I supposed to be the good wife and sit there and shut up? Move back home when treatment is compleat to make my family whole again? We all know what we give up as parents in order for our children to be happy. My daughter who is the only child at home will never move out. And until right before treatment, ( when I totally lost it) he had never drank around our daughter. As a alcoholic child. Alchol has never been allowed in my home. ( but I don't live there now) and he started getting drunk in her presence .
Mckmad is offline  
Old 07-08-2012, 11:10 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Tuffgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome, mckmad. I was digging up older posts and found yours...must have slipped through the holiday cracks.

I am glad you found us, although not for the reasons why. But this is a great place to learn and gain strength to better handle life with addicts.

My first thought about your question of how to handle the rehab visit is to be honest. You don't have to play any particular role... good wife, bad wife...just be your authentic self. Be respectful, considerate and honest.

Yes, he is there for his addiction, first and foremost. But relationships...even those in ruins...also play a big role in recovery, hence even being asked to join him on this journey. You know you don't even need to go if you are not comfortable. It is your choice.

Do you go to Al-Anon? Might be a good place to start your own recovery journey.

Keep posting and reading and keep coming back. Don't let our oversight of your post discourage you...I blame summer brain...I am only half plugged in these days!

Take good care,
T
Tuffgirl is offline  
Old 07-09-2012, 06:33 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
peaceful seabird
 
Pelican's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!

I hope you will make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

I agree with Tuffgirl about being your authentic self during your visits to rehab. I like to remember the slogan:
Say what you mean,
Mean what you say,
Just don't say it mean.

He is in rehab surrounded by professionals to help him process any feelings he may have as a result of what you share. That is what he is there to learn about: dealing with his feelings without reaching for his drug of choice.

I also agree that you are not obligated to fulfill the request to attend future meetings, especially if it makes you uncomfortable.

Moving him back into your home after treatment is not a requirement. You both have choices after treatment. If you are not comfortable, don't do it.
This is also a time of recovery for you and your special needs child.

I know that living with an alcoholic meant that my home was fragile. We felt like we were walking around on egg shells so as not to *set off* a reaction from the alcoholic. That is no way for a family to live. Our happiness, our lives, our serenity were just as important! Yours is too!

Your life has meaning. You can choose how you spend your one precious life.
Pelican is offline  
Old 07-09-2012, 08:47 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
To thine own self be true.
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by Mckmad View Post
Hi... I am new to this group, but not to the alcoholic. I grew up in an alcoholic home and low and behold if I haven't been married to one for 18 yrs.
There is a term for this, it's called Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACOA for short). I recommend you read Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet G. Woititz. You will be simply amazed by what you read in this book. I also recommend Al-Anon ACOA meetings. You can locate one here How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico. It is recommended that you go to at least 6 different meetings before deciding if Al-Anon is right for you. Personally, I can tell you, Al-Anon changed my life. For the better.

I moved out in December of 2010 into my own home and have one child (special needs) to whom is still at home with me. He is now in rehab and all three kids and I went to go to a family visit yesterday, now this went well and he seems happy, he even said he wanted to stay longer then the 40 days of treatment. Now my confusion is I as the wife am scheduled to go in there next week and tell him how I feel.
I am so glad to hear you moved out. I bet it is a lot of work to care for yourself, your special needs child who is living with you, your home, your job, your car, and all the rest of your responsibilities, isn't it? Each and every adult in this world is responsible for himself. When we take on the myriad responsibilities for an alcoholic or addict, life quickly becomes unmanageable, as I'm sure you are acutely aware. So, I hope you STAY moved out because I never expect an alcoholic or addict to be able to manage theirs lives very well. They very easily become a burden.

It is nice that the children could see their father struggle with this disease. I hope it sticks in their minds when they are presented with the choice to drink or not drink. I am glad to hear he is happy and wants to stay longer than the 40 days, but honestly, if I were you, I would not pay a single bit of attention to this. They will say one thing and do the complete opposite.

My thoughts are.... You are in here to work on you... Not our marriage, our marriage hasn't been an importance to you in the last 3 yrs so why now? If I go in there and let off on him, is that going to set him back? Aren't I supposed to be the good wife and sit there and shut up? Move back home when treatment is compleat to make my family whole again?
HIS recovery is NONE of your business. So don't let him MAKE it your business. If you do not want to go and speak with him, don't. If you do not want to get back together with him, don't. You are right, the marriage takes a back seat to the alcoholism, as do the children, and as does everything else.

I wouldn't go in there and release all my anger. What releasing all my anger does to HIM does not matter. The question is, what does releasing all my anger to him do to me? What it does to me is make me look like the insane one. Makes me look like I am the one with the problem, not him. It puts me back into the sick position of being the scapegoat, or taking all the blame. It gives the alcoholic the ammunition he needs in his mind to strengthen the BLAME he places on me for all the problems in the marriage and the family. When dealing with an alcoholic, there is no way to skirt the blame in their eyes. They HAVE TO have a scapegoat. They HAVE TO have someone else to compare themselves to. When you release your anger, you just give them the upper hand. Don't do it. Let go of your anger in healthy ways. Talk to your girlfriends. Go to the gym and punch a punching bag. Go to yoga and learn how to breathe again. Take a stress reduction class, or an assertiveness class.

No, you are not supposed to be the good wife and sit there an shut up. And no, you are not supposed to move back home. You are supposed to figure out for YOURSELF and your dependent child what kind of life YOU want to live. Whether or not you want peace and serenity, or chaos and confusion. You are supposed to formulate your goals and explore your dreams. You are supposed to live YOUR life the best you can, and take the very best care of yourself as you can, and let the alcoholic do the same for himself. I personally think that you sound like a people pleaser. Stop trying to meet everyone else's expectations, wants, and needs. YOU FIRST. Take care of YOUR expectations, YOUR wants, and YOUR needs FIRST.

(((hugs))) Hope something here helps.
Learn2Live is offline  
Old 07-09-2012, 10:21 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2
Thank you everyone for the replys, I was starting to think I Posted in the wrong area and was intimidated to repost anything. I will admit I have been so much more at ease with him in rehab, although for a few days I was mad.... Vary mad, like it was finally my turn to loose it because I know he is safe, can't drink, can't commit suicide. I could breath again not worrying about what he is doing. And you are right, I am a ppl pleaser, but mainly just with him and my kids. And I would go back if that's what it meant to make my kids happy. But now I am starting to see that it was not good on them either. When I left my oldest son steped into my role of taking care of his dad the way I had done for yrs. I couldn't get my son to let go and let god, the suicide issue was huge. So that's when I told him I was there for an intervention and he willingly packed his own bag. I know I shouldn't have done that, but I had just spent hours on the phone with my son who had just pulled the gun from his dads mouth and I couldn't let my son go through that...if he looses his dad that way, I know I will loose my son the same way.

Tomorrow is my visit.... Dear lord, please grant me strength.
And as for moving back home, if I don't he will drink again, and them my kids will loose there dad! How is that not mine to own? That to me, is at the end of the day.... Not taking care of my kids. End result, I have to give up peace and happiness in order to protect them.
Mckmad is offline  
Old 07-09-2012, 10:38 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
NYCDoglvr's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I suggest double checking with the rehab ... I doubt a meeting would be appropriate for spouses living apart.
NYCDoglvr is offline  
Old 07-09-2012, 10:47 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
To thine own self be true.
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
And as for moving back home, if I don't he will drink again, and them my kids will loose there dad! How is that not mine to own?
HE makes the choice to drink or not drink, NOT YOU. It is NOT YOURS to own, and it never was. He wants you to think it is on you, and you have an out-of-control sense of control so you accept it. You are not God.
Learn2Live is offline  
Old 07-10-2012, 12:06 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Tuffgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by Mckmad View Post
Tomorrow is my visit.... Dear lord, please grant me strength.

I have to give up peace and happiness in order to protect them.
First of all - hope the visit goes well. Keep us posted.

Secondly, you don't really have to give up peace and happiness to protect your kids. You just need to find the peace and happiness that extends to your kids, not outside of them.

Take good care, and prayers for a decent visit.
~T
Tuffgirl is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:40 AM.