phoenixlady

This seems like a great group of people. AH and I are newly separated. Started goimg to Al-Anon. Only been 2 times but it has been eye opening. When he first left ( only 3 days ago) I was anxious for him to return. Now after having some peace and quite and lots of time to think about it I am enjoying myself without having all his demands that I wait on him hand and foot. He calls and yells at me from time to time and that makes it easier to not miss him. He told me he could not live with me anymore as I spent too much money on my horses. He knew I loved horses and used to ride and give lessons etc professionally. I also knew he drank so guess I can't say much about it. Always thought I could be good enough and love him enough to make our marriage work. Boy have I learned ALOT and still am learning. He has all these rules I have to abide by in order for him to return. I find after a few days I also have a few rules he needs to abide by for him to return. He tells me I am not smart enough to make it without him. This really pisses me off and makes me more determined to make it. Living well IS the best revenge. Having trouble with the putting myself first most of my life. I am trying to make this the first step to work on. It is like I am waiting for someone to tell me it is OK. Also he is supposed to be he to work on his truck tomorrow so kinda nervous about our first conversation after our time apart. I know detachment with love is what I am striving for but not sure how this works in real life. Any life experience would be gratefully appreciated. Love to all.

Left

Phoenixlady, welcome I'm new to this too, but just to say and welcome to a wonderful resource. Keep reading and posting it does help. Someone more experienced than myself will be along shortly to help you I'm sure.

Take it easy and one day at a time. Oh and get to am al alon meeting they do help.

Hopeworks

Welcome. The best thing you can do for yourself is set healthy boundaries and stick to them...life will get infinately better in a hurry. Secondly... I found counseling very, very helpful with the RIGHT counselor who understands addiction and codependency.

Alanon, the website and read, read,read... knowledge is power.

fourmaggie

if you noticed now the serenity with him NOT there...just imagine the next few weeks and so on....

with living with a A, its all about his demands and his way...now you have a choice...its your way and only your way....boundaries are awesome...

welcome and keep posting and reading and attending meetings...glad you got some bright lite moments...i did too...ALL THE TIME

Chrissy44

Having a peaceful, quiet, predictable existence in your own home can be quite wonderful, can't it? I had a similar realization when my relationship ended. That serenity wasn't something I consciously realized I was missing, but boy did I quickly grow to treasure it!

Can you get out of the house when he's working on the truck? By all means you don't need to let him drive you out of your house. But if you had errands you need to do or friends you need to catch up with or movies you need to see...could be a convenient time to take care of your own life and not have to deal with unnecessary stress. It's ok to put you first!

SoaringSpirits

Phoenixlady, I responded to you on another thread, but also wanted to say that I've been in a similar situation. Have owned horses for 30 years and had them and competed heavily when AH and I met 20 years ago. I've owned horses all the 16 years of our marriage. He was OK with it for the most part, but the resentment of "the horse issue" (among other things he grew to hate about me) grew as his drinking progressed. Then our daughters also got bitten by the horse bug --- and I found myself lugging two happy teen girls to --- gasp --- wholesome events like Pony Club and horse shows. I have come to see it as yet another form of alcoholic blame shifting. My AH used it as a way to evade responsibility for his drinking. He says he is happy to stop drinking if I give up the horses forever. Yeah, right! As I told him, last I've checked there are no 12-step groups for women addicted to horses.

Enjoy the peace and use the time apart to gain perspective. Having a hobby that you love and enjoy is a form of self care. Make a list of things you want in your life, and pros and cons of being with your AH. I found that list when I made it be really eye opening. And I realized I could never go back to being with someone who disliked me on such a fundamental level. Horses or drunk husband? I chose the horses.

jessiec

I understand. I broke up with XABF last week, and I wont't lie -- it's been very difficult (I just moved into a new place too, so I feel like I've been removed from my entire life!), and one day I was literally on the floor sobbing and thought grief might kill me.

But other times, I have felt such a sense of PEACE. I don't have to concern myself with his drinking, his moods, his temper, etc. etc. I can spend my time doing what I want to do. I'm battling loneliness for sure, but my friends and family have been so supportive. I realized tomorrow night makes a week I have not spoke to him. At one point, my codependent self thought I couldn't make it a day -- an hour -- without him! Go figure!

boldaslove

I also used to ride and teach professionally, and I remember one boyfriend who used to get jealous because I seemed to light up around the horses in a way I didn't around him. Well duh, they are always there for me whenever I need them. They were there before you came, and they'll be there after. They're like my children. There is no room in my life for any one who can't understand that or respect my "hobby." It's so much more than that, as well you know.

phoenixlady

Thanks so much. I can see this is going to help alot having this place to go to and have people that have had similar experience.

phoenixlady

OMG. He came back a few minutes ago and I told him I did not think this was a very good idea as we were both the same people that we were a few days ago and what made him think that it would work this time!! With all the help I have had thru al-anon I was finally able to speak my mind calmly. I told him that I was going to al-anon and that I had learned so much. We had a good talk and he says he has quit drinking. I told him I have heard that before and that I didn't think he could do it himself. I asked if he would go to alcoholis anon and he said he would if he couldn't handle the cravings. I am going to ride my colt now and am continuing to live my life as if he is not here. I used to drop everything to take care of him so it is a good first step. Can't deny that I am way nervous and scared but keep reminding myself that I need to take it one day at a time and keep my boundries up.

lizatola

You have gotten some great responses here. I just wanted to say that I love horses, too. I grew up with horses but wound up marrying a guy who was deathly allergic to horses and cats, go figure. The 2 animals that my mom keeps on her property in Virginia, LOL! I live in Phoenix, AZ so I guess your username peaked my interest, too!

Keep taking small steps for yourself. I have to tell you that I have pulled away from my AH because he's just not acting like an adult these days when it comes to the crap he's pulling and he's very confused. He's so not used to me just living for me, that he now thinks our marriage is over and that I must be cheating on him. LOL, like I really want to deal with another man at this point? Don't think so!

FYI: My AH was dry for 15 years, he didn't use a program but life got hard and he got depressed and he started drinking again 2 years ago. He quit when he got a DUI back in February but I know he has been drinking again since then. Actually, he drank the weekend before he went to tent city jail here in AZ. Without a program, it's really hard for them to stay sober and AA will help them heal their thinking problems along with staying away from booze. Keep focusing on yourself and enjoy your life. It takes time, believe me as I'm still working on it myself!

DefofLov

Just wanted to give you some

You are in the right place for support. A lot of us totally understand the crazy that comes along with alcoholism.

I love horses. I think they are beautiful and spiritual creatures. I haven't been around any since I was very young, but I would love to be around them again.

Much love, light, and support to you,

Lily

fourmaggie

u will find it so powering for you to set your boundaries and say what you mean....you do have choices...

phoenixlady

Thanks for all the support. I told him he could stay but things would be much different. I would keep a bedroom to myself and my privacy until he could prove he was worth my tender heart that he has trampled on tooo many times. I am very angry at some of the things that he said last time and will need time to get over it. I was punished for being angry as child so this is a good first step for me. Went out to mess with horses this evening when it cooled down and when I came in he had made himself something to eat and had left a mess on the counter. I went in and told him that he did not have maid service that I knew of. I used to clean up after him and wait on him hand and foot, which he took for granted. He took it better than I thought he would. He says he is done with drinking, like I have not heard that before. I told him there would NOT be any beer in THIS house. If he wants to drink he would have to go to do it and would not be allowed back into the house until I decieded that I wanted him back. Enjoyed the serenity in the house with him gone the last few days. From all your experience do you think I am being to hard or not hard enough? I feel comfortable with this situation for now and feel much better about myself for having told him that there are consequences for your actions and he would not just get to walk all over me without having a price to pay for the hurt he has caused. I used to just let it go and go on like nothing happened. Since going to al-anon I have learned so much. Still need to get stronger but with time and support I believe I will get there. It is so nice to hear from people that have been where I have and have you all take the time to respond with your support. THANKS A MILLION!

Bluebonnet1

I think if this is all that YOU feel comfortable with right now, then it doesn't matter about too hard or not hard enough. Everyone's experience is different, and letting go completely is tough. I felt that pain all too well tonight. Keep your separate room, mAke him accountable, and keep visiting al anon. You'll know in your gut when and if it's time to move on.

SoaringSpirits

Sounds like you are on the right track. Figure out your boundaries, set them and communicate them to your AH (in writing is always good, since drunks don't remember anything), then stick by them no matter what. This will go a long, long way in helping you feel less crazy. And it's better for your AH in the end.

For me, boundary setting meant telling my AH (when we still lived together) that drinking had become a deal killer for our marriage. I gave him a week to figure out what he was going to do --- leave and keep drinking or stay and pursue recovery. At the end of the week, I hauled 6 bottles of vodka out of hiding places, he was still drinking in secret. I fully expected this. I took our kids to their grandparents' home, dropped them off, returned home and told AH he had to leave right then. To my surprise, he did, he was in fact already packing a bag. After he left, I met with him a few days later and told him I'd only consider reuniting if he had a year of sobriety under his belt. He kept drinking, in fact drank more than ever. Attended 2 AA meetings but pronounced them "full of losers."

A year later, with nothing changed, I told him the year was up and since he'd made no effort to seek recovery, we were done and I wanted a legal separation.

I am grateful to have set these boundaries and stuck by them.

Once, while I was still married, I was telling my mom about what I was going through, and was so surprised when she said (my mom who has been married 50+ years) "LEAVE him. You are far too young to live like this. Life is too short, don't waste another moment." I have thought about her words so many times, and I decided that I didn't want to waste any more of my life going down the rabbit hole with my AH.

fourmaggie

they say not to make any hesty decision for at least a year of AL ANON under your belt...

everything is at YOUR PACE...its you choice and life...