Buffalo66

I have been, through my search to uderstand my RAexH diseases, blessed to find some resources that are really turning the light onto me. IN a deeper, more direct way than alanon, I think.

About my family of origin, about my still unhealed past, about my CoD drive, and my incomplete healing.

I have pangs of wanting to call him and tell him what I have been learning. BUt that is the old pattern, to download into him, or anyone else what I "get" for myself.

I am just letting myself get it now, though.
And I am very grateful, because I want to be on that path of ME again.

Its not going to be easy, but I really am recommitting to healing work that I began way back before I met HIM.

I stopped all of that, as you know being with a disordered A is like triage in a war zone, and they are ALWAYS the patient.

So, I am setting out on that work. And I am scared, but ready.
Whats the worse that can happen?
I may find myself happy. And I guess my greatest fear there is that I wont recognize it, or it wont feel like a La Z boy chair the way triage and dysfunction have all these years.

I want so much to allow ease, and I am getting glimpses.

Thanks for reading

NYCDoglvr

Thank you so much for this very honest post. In my experience life is much easier when you ask "what's my part in this"? It decreases the feeling of being a victim and rage at others, although it's important to let go of criticism of ourselves. Most importantly it has taught me to be honest with myself when making choices. When a red flag comes up I pay attention. And, I realize I am responsible for the people I bring into my life, my thoughts and actions.

You are a power of example.

lillamy

Wise words. That resonate with me. That's exactly my MO, too -- not wanting to call my ex, but wanting to share before I've even gotten it myself.

LifeRecovery

The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.

Nietzsche

Argnotthisagain

asking myself what my part has been in "this stuff" has always been extremely helpful.

It shows me what I need to work on, and helps me look more deeply at how I behave, how I contribute to hurting myself.

It helped me immensely after breaking up with someone--not an A, just an incredibly immature and irresponsible one. I saw that I needed to deal with my finances myself (wasn't able to even consider that untill I got diagnosed and got meds for ADD)

I saw that I needed to stop supporting people who refuse to work.

Whew, more to say, but I'm at an outdoor BBQ place and it's too hot to think anymore!



Just wanted to comment that I agree, looking at the CAUSES you made, and how they lead into the effects you experience is infinitely helpful.

transformyself

So true! Sending you love and hugs Buffalo