A Message To The Family, Friends & Loved Ones of Alcoholics & Addicts
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I am having a really hard time related to this right now. AXBF sent me an email late this afternoon that got me all shaken up. His actions over the last month were deceitful and hurtful, especially because he KNEW that what he was doing would hurt me and yet he did them anyway. I feel I have been gaslighted and the way he talks to me is so very hurtful I cut off contact w him other than email for only those issues that still need to be cleared up. So he sends me this email this afternoon getting involved about what he thinks is my worry about something related to the house. And I recognize it as a manipulation!! This is not the first time an alcoholic addict puts himself in a position as tho he is superior to me and all concerned about my feelings, when I know in fact he is not!! So I said you will stop concerning yourself with my feelings about ANYTHING, mind your own business, I will no longer be manipulated by you.
I recognize this as how he treated his ex-wife, like she is incapable of doing anything with the house and he JUDGES her for it so that he feels superior to her. But what pisses me off is that his family pulled him out of that marriage and joined in on the judging the ex-wife, putting her down in order to show that HE was better than her. They should have just left him where he was! I can't tell how I feel, whether angry or what. All I know is I was FINE until I got that email!
I recognize this as how he treated his ex-wife, like she is incapable of doing anything with the house and he JUDGES her for it so that he feels superior to her. But what pisses me off is that his family pulled him out of that marriage and joined in on the judging the ex-wife, putting her down in order to show that HE was better than her. They should have just left him where he was! I can't tell how I feel, whether angry or what. All I know is I was FINE until I got that email!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 19
Many thanks L2L 
Yes I have be attending Al-anon, I do struggle with it tho' on one hand the support and knowledge of people who 'know' exactly what I am going thru' and knowing that they 'understand' how I feel and then on the other hand the steps are not what I want to do, I am not the alcoholic and I don't want to do the steps.
But one thing I have learnt in the last 3 weeks....sometimes you have to do what you don't want to do.
Yes I have be attending Al-anon, I do struggle with it tho' on one hand the support and knowledge of people who 'know' exactly what I am going thru' and knowing that they 'understand' how I feel and then on the other hand the steps are not what I want to do, I am not the alcoholic and I don't want to do the steps.
But one thing I have learnt in the last 3 weeks....sometimes you have to do what you don't want to do.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Thank you sewmad, for talking about how you don't want to do the steps because I have found I need to go to AA and I am going to my first meeting tonight. I also didn't want to do this because although I am a binger, and have abused alcohol in the past, and identify myself as an alcoholic, all these years I thought I do not need AA because I don't hurt anyone, everyone else hurts me! But what I failed to realize until Anvil had posted on one of my threads about having abandoned myself when I drank again this past January, was that I HURT ME TOO. And I am just so distraught right now. I cannot believe I am going through this.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Honey, it was always the way with me, any contact just knocks me off my feet.
This feeling will pass, it is just the hook trying to wedge it's way into the side of your mouth, you have come to far to not recover from this.
Give yourself a break, go get ice cream, move away from the xabf, lol easier said than done , but the dark road that looms ahead will scare you enough so that you again find your footing.
For me, I just could not hear one more time what a horrible human being I was. He was so nice during the day when he wasn't drinking and then turned on a dime at night when he was. The phone would ring, it got to the point where I would get sick to my stomach. I know this sounds familiar.
love to you Katie xoxoxo:ghug3
This feeling will pass, it is just the hook trying to wedge it's way into the side of your mouth, you have come to far to not recover from this.
Give yourself a break, go get ice cream, move away from the xabf, lol easier said than done , but the dark road that looms ahead will scare you enough so that you again find your footing.
For me, I just could not hear one more time what a horrible human being I was. He was so nice during the day when he wasn't drinking and then turned on a dime at night when he was. The phone would ring, it got to the point where I would get sick to my stomach. I know this sounds familiar.
love to you Katie xoxoxo:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Oh L2L. 
It does not matter what he says. Do not give his words value for you know they are the words of alcoholism. They are a reflection of the person saying them. He is projecting his faults and insecurities out to anyone within range because he will not look at himself - at any cost.
When I got emails like that I would come here when it was just to much and post for support, sometimes I even posted the actual content and our fine SR friends helped me see where the projection and blame shifting were. You do not have to defend yourself to him. I can remember only one email response that I don't regret and/or that gave me any kind of satisfaction. I came here for validation and release of tension/fear/guilt when I felt sucker punched. It was hard to ignore them at first but ignoring them entirely is what brought my power back, even when they kept coming - and they came for a long time.
It does not matter what he says. Do not give his words value for you know they are the words of alcoholism. They are a reflection of the person saying them. He is projecting his faults and insecurities out to anyone within range because he will not look at himself - at any cost.
When I got emails like that I would come here when it was just to much and post for support, sometimes I even posted the actual content and our fine SR friends helped me see where the projection and blame shifting were. You do not have to defend yourself to him. I can remember only one email response that I don't regret and/or that gave me any kind of satisfaction. I came here for validation and release of tension/fear/guilt when I felt sucker punched. It was hard to ignore them at first but ignoring them entirely is what brought my power back, even when they kept coming - and they came for a long time.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Thank you!
I hope that new people and those who need to read this the most will actually do so and understand the experience, strength, and hope behind it, and will realize that it is, in fact, one of the most loving and kind posts on this forum.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
It helps to understand that when an alcoholic drinks, he/she is making a choice. When he lies, is unfaithful, neglects his kids and work, he is making a choice to do so. In recovery we learn that we don't have to drink. Alcoholics can choose to get to meetings, get a sponsor. When we pick up a drink we could have called another alcoholic but choose to. When we put alcohol before our spouse, children, family, friends and work we shouting what our priorities are.
Of course alcoholics have a much easier time being married to a bottle when they have a super caring codependent in our lives. Someone to pay the bills, clean up after us, comfort us when we get in trouble. Oh yes, the terrible depression! It's great to have someone who feels sorry for us and makes excuses.
As a sponsor pointed out in early sobriety, this isn't a disease of the elbow. We aren't struck drunk. There are a million excuses but not one reason to pick up the drink.
Great thread, thanks!
Of course alcoholics have a much easier time being married to a bottle when they have a super caring codependent in our lives. Someone to pay the bills, clean up after us, comfort us when we get in trouble. Oh yes, the terrible depression! It's great to have someone who feels sorry for us and makes excuses.
As a sponsor pointed out in early sobriety, this isn't a disease of the elbow. We aren't struck drunk. There are a million excuses but not one reason to pick up the drink.
Great thread, thanks!
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
The last time I picked up a drink it was specifically to get drunk and I led another alcoholic to drink, for my OWN SELFISH, IMMATURE REASONS. Alcohol solves nothing and only serves to make things WORSE.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I guess this is the wrong place to share my alcohol issues, I'm sorry about that. I just don't know where to go with this. I went to AA but all we talked about was pills and I didn't share what I felt I needed to share at the meeting. I do feel a little better though, got my mind off AXBF for a few hours.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 88
Thank you so much for posting this. I'm struggling a lot this weekend and this was something good for me to read.
I wrote our and deleted a whole rant, this isn't the place. I appreciate your wisdom and hope that I can heed it.
I wrote our and deleted a whole rant, this isn't the place. I appreciate your wisdom and hope that I can heed it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 202
L2L I have read and reread this post so many times over the last couple of days. I have cried almost every time. It is a "WOW" post for me so thank you, thank you, thank you......
Your name always reminds me of the song "Jar of Hearts" which is a big, big song for me in my recovery. It makes me very sad, but also makes me want to get better, and to me reflects a lot of how AH has treated me over the years. I learn a huge amount from all your posts, so think it is great that your name brings this song to me all the time.... OK, weird ramble over!!
Your name always reminds me of the song "Jar of Hearts" which is a big, big song for me in my recovery. It makes me very sad, but also makes me want to get better, and to me reflects a lot of how AH has treated me over the years. I learn a huge amount from all your posts, so think it is great that your name brings this song to me all the time.... OK, weird ramble over!!
I know I cant take one more step towards you
Cause all thats waiting is regret
And don't you know im not your ghost anymore
You lost the love
I loved the most
I learned to live, half alive
And now you want me one more time
Who do you think you are
Runnin round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are
Cause all thats waiting is regret
And don't you know im not your ghost anymore
You lost the love
I loved the most
I learned to live, half alive
And now you want me one more time
Who do you think you are
Runnin round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 19
Wonderful words Thumper.....I hear them very clearly.
I amd feeling the same, I can't listen to the alcoholic and the alcohol anymore....it seems to be all lies that are coming out....all the name calling and verbal abuse were all lies.....so why did I listen to them? because I didnt have anything else to listen too.
My self esteem has grown since I realised this.
( Love the Maori proverb in your signature, I am a Bi cultural New Zealander pakeha by colour and raised Maori as well)
I amd feeling the same, I can't listen to the alcoholic and the alcohol anymore....it seems to be all lies that are coming out....all the name calling and verbal abuse were all lies.....so why did I listen to them? because I didnt have anything else to listen too.
My self esteem has grown since I realised this.
( Love the Maori proverb in your signature, I am a Bi cultural New Zealander pakeha by colour and raised Maori as well)
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Wow Adventure, thank you for such an amazing post. Reading your words I feel such a sense of closeness. I am so sorry for your tears, and your pain. I feel them with you; we are together. I know we are going to be just fine. And we will be stronger and happier in the end.
PS Thank you for sharing that song. I am going to have to find it on-line and give a listen
PS Thank you for sharing that song. I am going to have to find it on-line and give a listen
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