A Message To The Family, Friends & Loved Ones of Alcoholics & Addicts
To thine own self be true.
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Join Date: May 2009
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A Message To The Family, Friends & Loved Ones of Alcoholics & Addicts
I have personally witnessed four alcoholic and addict relapses. Four different men who lived in my home. All four I enabled. And I have learned a valuable lesson from all four. Same lesson, 4 times, over 16 years. When I will heed that lesson myself I do not know. But I want to share it with you, the family, friends, and loved ones of alcoholics & addicts.
When you find your loved one is living in squalor, leave him there. When he is in jail for yet another situation, no matter whose "fault" you think it is, leave him there. When he is living with a crack-addicted woman or roommate, leave him there. When he is sleeping on a urine-soaked mattress, leave him there. When he is living in a place he doesn't want to live, leave him there. When he is crying, separated from his babies, leave him there. When he is homeless, leave him there. Wherever he is, he put himself there, and you only HURT THEM when you remove them from the place they CHOSE to be. You only feed the denial and the disease when you interfere. The ONLY way he can properly find his way out is ALONE. He must get to the point where he is so scared, ashamed, uncomfortable, whatever, where he HIMSELF cries out to those who can truly help him. And we are not them. Do not interfere with or try to change the NATURAL CONSEQUENCES of a person's own choices and behavior. It does not help; it only strengthens the disease.
God bless you all. May you find peace and serenity. May you take care of yourselves as lovingly and attentively as I know you take care of others.
-Learning to Live
When you find your loved one is living in squalor, leave him there. When he is in jail for yet another situation, no matter whose "fault" you think it is, leave him there. When he is living with a crack-addicted woman or roommate, leave him there. When he is sleeping on a urine-soaked mattress, leave him there. When he is living in a place he doesn't want to live, leave him there. When he is crying, separated from his babies, leave him there. When he is homeless, leave him there. Wherever he is, he put himself there, and you only HURT THEM when you remove them from the place they CHOSE to be. You only feed the denial and the disease when you interfere. The ONLY way he can properly find his way out is ALONE. He must get to the point where he is so scared, ashamed, uncomfortable, whatever, where he HIMSELF cries out to those who can truly help him. And we are not them. Do not interfere with or try to change the NATURAL CONSEQUENCES of a person's own choices and behavior. It does not help; it only strengthens the disease.
God bless you all. May you find peace and serenity. May you take care of yourselves as lovingly and attentively as I know you take care of others.
-Learning to Live
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thank you very much for posting this...
ive been cracking my brains, thinking over and over the whys but this message is the same message my xabf mom told me and thought she was upset with me for saying the exact words..."if you love him, leave him be, let him do what he wants, for this way he will realize what he missed out on...he knows where to go and what help to get, so leave him be, if he chooses to be with another alcoholic or recovering addict, leave him be".
its hard for all of us who loved and continues to love our As', but this is what it is.
ive been cracking my brains, thinking over and over the whys but this message is the same message my xabf mom told me and thought she was upset with me for saying the exact words..."if you love him, leave him be, let him do what he wants, for this way he will realize what he missed out on...he knows where to go and what help to get, so leave him be, if he chooses to be with another alcoholic or recovering addict, leave him be".
its hard for all of us who loved and continues to love our As', but this is what it is.
To thine own self be true.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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My XABF has had problems with drugs & alcohol since he was a teenager. That's 30+ years. Three years ago, he got into awful trouble and his family pulled him out of where he was, told him to get a divorce, and told him what to do everyday for at least a year. When I met him, I didn't realize (or let myself see, not sure which) how bad off he really was. Now that he is gone (back to where they pulled him out of), I can see exactly why he relapsed. Got clean & sober overnight, got no program, but took on a whole lot of responsibilities including a relationship he had no business being in. I think the entire family thought I would "fix" him somehow because I am a recovering alcoholic and know a little about this disease. No doubt this man loved me immensely, but the call to return to that life was stronger than any love can ever be. I feel a little guilty for being so selfish wanting him here, while all the while he should have been going to AA, working a program.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: CA
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Great post. Right now because my separation with AH is so raw...I have so many unanswered questions and this post just affirms what I already knew...no matter what the answers are...my action should be the same: "Leave him there."
My AH walked out on me 2 months ago and now lives in a scuzzy motel, drinking, avoiding reality and missing out on his wife and kids: "Leave him there."
Love this post, thank you.
My AH walked out on me 2 months ago and now lives in a scuzzy motel, drinking, avoiding reality and missing out on his wife and kids: "Leave him there."
Love this post, thank you.
To thine own self be true.
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Join Date: May 2009
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Thanks for the share sweetteewalls. My AXBF walked out on me a month ago. Left half his worldly belongings and bolted. At first the reason for leaving was benign, said we were still together. Story changed day by day and within 3 weeks, he said he wanted "to see other people." I had no clue any of this was coming.
To thine own self be true.
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Join Date: May 2009
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I just read this post from BlueBonnet on my other thread, Boundaries and I think it fits this thread too. So, in case anyone can benefit from this line of thinking, I wanted to repost it here. Hope that's OK and hope this helps someone. It is helping me this morning. It is scary to see someone relapse and revert to old, very unhealthy ways. But I should not intervene. And for those who believe, the following shows how Higher Power, in this case God, does not want us to intervene in his will. God knows what is best for a person to experience so that they can learn whatever it is God intends them to learn.
Originally Posted by Bluebonnet1 
I found this on livingfree.org.
Learning to be at Peace with God
You can rest in the peace that God has the address of your loved one, no matter how deep they are in sin. His love far surpasses your love. He knows what will work best to bring your loved one to that point of change.
You've got to trust God-even when things are going from bad to worse. Stop offering the wrong kind of help. Stop feeding the problem. Stop being deceived. Stop mocking God. Trust Him.
Place Your Hope in Him
In Galatians chapter 6, Paul goes on to give words of encouragement after challenging us not to be deceived into ignoring God's law of sowing and reaping. "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers." (Galatians 6:9-10 NIV)
Two times Paul refers to "doing good" to people. I think it would be very appropriate to say that he is referring to offering the right kind of help-not enabling. Let us not become weary of offering the right kind of help, which in some cases is offering "tough love."
Learning to be at Peace with God
You can rest in the peace that God has the address of your loved one, no matter how deep they are in sin. His love far surpasses your love. He knows what will work best to bring your loved one to that point of change.
You've got to trust God-even when things are going from bad to worse. Stop offering the wrong kind of help. Stop feeding the problem. Stop being deceived. Stop mocking God. Trust Him.
Place Your Hope in Him
In Galatians chapter 6, Paul goes on to give words of encouragement after challenging us not to be deceived into ignoring God's law of sowing and reaping. "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers." (Galatians 6:9-10 NIV)
Two times Paul refers to "doing good" to people. I think it would be very appropriate to say that he is referring to offering the right kind of help-not enabling. Let us not become weary of offering the right kind of help, which in some cases is offering "tough love."
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 237
Thank you for this, I am struggling today but will try and remember these words - my XABF has his court hearing in a week's time for DUI related charge and I am finding it hard to let go. I just want to call him to be a friend but I know I will want to fix him or tell him what to do and I need him to face consequences of his actions.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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Learn2Live, this post has been with me since I read it yesterday, the power it has had for my recovery has been amazing, I have processed so much since reading this.
Somehow, it helped me so much to know , not only that it is imperative that I walk away, but also, and this is the key, that it is okay.
I want to thank you so much , again, for posting this. Your wisdom is shining through.
love to you always Katie
Somehow, it helped me so much to know , not only that it is imperative that I walk away, but also, and this is the key, that it is okay.
I want to thank you so much , again, for posting this. Your wisdom is shining through.
love to you always Katie
To thine own self be true.
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Join Date: May 2009
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Thanks Anon12. I find that the less I know about what is going on in their lives, the better off I am. The less I struggle. I have put boundaries into place to protect myself and keep moving forward. I do not and will not speak to him in person or on the phone. I do not accept any personal information from him. I deal only with him on those issues I must deal with at the current time. He may not come to my home to retrieve anything he left here until I determine that I am ready for this to happen. I deactivated my Facebook account so that I am not asked any questions about him, do not see anything related to him or his life at all. I practice letting go of the past, what we had together, what went wrong, what I could have done differently. When I find myself stressed and thinking about him, I practice deep breathing, that is, breathing that causes my stomach to rise. As I breathe in I say to myself that I am breathing in my Higher Power, then As I slowly exhale, I say to myself that I release XABF, I release the past, I release the need to hold on or control.
Hope something I've shared is helpful.
Hope something I've shared is helpful.
To thine own self be true.
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Oh my gosh Katie, thank you so much for sharing. It helps me so much to read your words. I am so glad you are able to benefit from my share. Thank you for your words of Love. Love to you too.
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Good advice. I can't help but think it is easier with a "contracted relative" (like a husband) than an blood relative like a son or daughter.
I think what makes it extremely difficult is you seeing "how far down the scale they have gone" and having intense, negative feelings of despair and grief over it.
They are drunk and "in their disease," so they don't see what they are doing to themselves, but you do . . . If you believe God created us all for a reason, it is traumatic to see someone throw their life away or live in squalor.
Many women who are mothers or grandmothers are also natural nurturers - and when your child or grandchild is hurting, it is natural to "want" to fix it (I said "natural," not helpful) - especially if you did that as a good, positive way of parenting when they were young. You didn't let the child refuse a bath or live in filth . . .that's the pull of "wanting to fix" and make things better.
So when you "leave them there," then you have to deal with your feelings of worry, grief, disappointment, fear . . .and hope and pray that they will find recovery. Maybe they will and maybe they won't . . .it is not easy to accept that if you love the person.
So it sounds easy and reasonable, but it is an emotional landmine . . .if it is your child, it's not as if you can just "forget them."
If there are mothers or grandmothers who can post their experiences in this area and how they managed their own emotions when their child was living in filth and squalor, please share your process. Thank you.
I think what makes it extremely difficult is you seeing "how far down the scale they have gone" and having intense, negative feelings of despair and grief over it.
They are drunk and "in their disease," so they don't see what they are doing to themselves, but you do . . . If you believe God created us all for a reason, it is traumatic to see someone throw their life away or live in squalor.
Many women who are mothers or grandmothers are also natural nurturers - and when your child or grandchild is hurting, it is natural to "want" to fix it (I said "natural," not helpful) - especially if you did that as a good, positive way of parenting when they were young. You didn't let the child refuse a bath or live in filth . . .that's the pull of "wanting to fix" and make things better.
So when you "leave them there," then you have to deal with your feelings of worry, grief, disappointment, fear . . .and hope and pray that they will find recovery. Maybe they will and maybe they won't . . .it is not easy to accept that if you love the person.
So it sounds easy and reasonable, but it is an emotional landmine . . .if it is your child, it's not as if you can just "forget them."
If there are mothers or grandmothers who can post their experiences in this area and how they managed their own emotions when their child was living in filth and squalor, please share your process. Thank you.
To thine own self be true.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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Related to this thread, from the Cloud/Townsend book on Boundaries I've been reading, p79: Sometimes recovery comes in the form of hospitalization, sometimes in divorce, sometimes in jail, and sometimes in disease. But no one can escape the disciplines of life. They will always win out. We always reap what we sow. And the later in life it is, the sadder a picture it is, for the stakes are higher.
To me, this reinforces my belief that, the faster a person's addictive disease progresses, the sooner they will feel the effects of their disease. As long as I try to help and support them (which is actually enabling them), the longer it will take for them to feel the effects. Although it doesn't feel like it, it is the more loving thing to step aside sooner rather than later.
To me, this reinforces my belief that, the faster a person's addictive disease progresses, the sooner they will feel the effects of their disease. As long as I try to help and support them (which is actually enabling them), the longer it will take for them to feel the effects. Although it doesn't feel like it, it is the more loving thing to step aside sooner rather than later.
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Thank you for this, I needed it today 
I made one of the hardest decisions of my life today. I informed my A partner (we are separated) that I wanted NC and this included my children. One of which calls him Dad as her own father doesnt have anything to do with her.
My 2 little girls understood why I did this, we all cried and prayed that we all would be ok
About 5 times today I thought 'What have I done?' he lives in a horrible YMCA and isnt eating right, work is going crappy for him and hes hitting the bottle badly and Im scared that I will never see him again since I said NC until you have stopped drinking.
I know in my head that I have made a good choice but my heart is so heavy that I will not be able to cope with my decision, and I made it in haste.
I realised last night that I must let him go and let him make his decisions and choices, and can still love him even if I never see him again.
The 3 months we have been separated have had me on a roller coaster ride and I needed to stop it and make it MY life again.
I have lost alot of friends because of my shame of AP and the embrassing behaviour in front of them, I have isolated myself and become someone else. I look in a mirror and I don't see ME anymore.
I see a sad, frightened, overweight woman that I don't recognise. Looking for things to be grateful for is my first goal.
Sorry this is so long, I just needed to 'say' these things to another person.
eg.....I quit smoking 2.5 weeks ago and even tho' I have been stressed out so much for the last few days I havent gone back to the evil fags
I made one of the hardest decisions of my life today. I informed my A partner (we are separated) that I wanted NC and this included my children. One of which calls him Dad as her own father doesnt have anything to do with her.My 2 little girls understood why I did this, we all cried and prayed that we all would be ok
About 5 times today I thought 'What have I done?' he lives in a horrible YMCA and isnt eating right, work is going crappy for him and hes hitting the bottle badly and Im scared that I will never see him again since I said NC until you have stopped drinking.
I know in my head that I have made a good choice but my heart is so heavy that I will not be able to cope with my decision, and I made it in haste.
I realised last night that I must let him go and let him make his decisions and choices, and can still love him even if I never see him again.
The 3 months we have been separated have had me on a roller coaster ride and I needed to stop it and make it MY life again.
I have lost alot of friends because of my shame of AP and the embrassing behaviour in front of them, I have isolated myself and become someone else. I look in a mirror and I don't see ME anymore.
I see a sad, frightened, overweight woman that I don't recognise. Looking for things to be grateful for is my first goal.
Sorry this is so long, I just needed to 'say' these things to another person.
eg.....I quit smoking 2.5 weeks ago and even tho' I have been stressed out so much for the last few days I havent gone back to the evil fags
To thine own self be true.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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Oh sewmad, my heart aches for you. I am sorry you have to go through this. But at the same time, I see that it really is an opportunity for you. Every time I have a relationship break-up, I make sure that I try to find the lesson in the pain. For me this time, I think the primary life lesson I need to learn is related to my Boundaries. Al-Anon is VERY helpful for helping you discover your lesson. Have you given Al-Anon a try? It is great support for you also, while you are going through this difficult time. Surround yourself with positive, supportive people during this time. I have been amazed this past month at how many complete strangers have approached me and asked to hug me. I let them because I know I need people in my life. (((hugs))) sewmad. I am with you.
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