Applying Al-anon Principles to Life in General
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
Applying Al-anon Principles to Life in General
Sorry in advance, a long post! O/T not dealing with an alcoholic, just a painful situation.
I am really, really struggling at the moment. I am upset, stressed and feel like I have got myself backed into a corner. Some suggestions please?
I have worked for my employer for four years. I am pleasant, helpful and have never had any issues with many of the personalities that I have worked alongside before. My issues were with what was happening at home.
This time last year, I left my alcoholic husband following 18 months of SR, Al-anon and personal psychotherapy. My home life changed dramatically and I was in a good place.
I have a new work colleague (past 6 weeks), who is not an employee, a temp. I find her attitude demeaning, argumentative and her manner abrasive. We got into a disagreement which left me feeling uncomfortable, upset and stressed. I ended up taking a couple of days off sick with a migraine attack.
I wrote a statement to HR, saying that I had been upset by a colleagues working style which had led to stress and a severe migraine. HR made a big deal about the time off and suggested that I was finding the job stressful and maybe I should look at another line of work. I disagreed as I have been under many stressful situations that I had coped with.
Last week after a number of smaller issues with this colleague that I brushed off and ignored, we had another disagreement that disrupted the entire office. She had told me something, then when I called her on it, she changed her story and told me I had misheard her. Basically I felt as though she had lied to cover up for herself but unfortunately I let her drag me in to the conversation in sheer frustration by saying 'but you just told me this, now you are telling me this'. She changed what she had said 3 times.
We were both taken to a meeting room by the HR lady, who listened to my colleagues side whilst I shook my head in disbelief at what she was saying. I was unable to speak as I was too upset, angry and shocked. The HR sent us home 30mins early and gave us homework of writing what the other person did that upset us and also to write what we thought the other person did that we admired.
The following morning we were both asked into a meeting with HR. I went first and mentioned to HR that I was uncomfortable participating with my colleague present as I didn't feel safe discussing the situation, I was told to sit down. When my colleague arrive she was asked to sit too. I again mentioned that I wasn't happy to participate but HR continued to talk about the homework she had set.
I said that I felt gaslighted and was asked to explain what I meant. I said that I didnt trust what my colleague says is truthful, I didnt feel safe talking and had no trust in the process. My HR then said to my colleague 'I bet you dont feel safe or have no trust either do you?' she agreed. HR then proceeded to chastise me (in front of colleague) that I didnt want to take part, what did I want to do, HR would have to carry out an investigation and speak to my superiors and the MD and would let me know the outcome. Whilst HR was chastising me, my whole body was visibly shaking. I came away shocked and feeling bullied, with the whole thing blown way out of proportion.
My colleague, who continues to sit next to me, is now contacting me by email.
I am not dealing with the whole thing very well at all. I have the stress knot back in my stomach, feeling sick, stress diarrhea and tearful. I am currently at home sick, worrying about having to go back to work. I feel like quitting but cant afford to.
I am struggling to apply my Al-anon tools to the situation. I'm wondering if its me, that my reactions are not normal. That maybe I am not as mentally well as I thought I was.
Can anyone offer any advice?
I am really, really struggling at the moment. I am upset, stressed and feel like I have got myself backed into a corner. Some suggestions please?
I have worked for my employer for four years. I am pleasant, helpful and have never had any issues with many of the personalities that I have worked alongside before. My issues were with what was happening at home.
This time last year, I left my alcoholic husband following 18 months of SR, Al-anon and personal psychotherapy. My home life changed dramatically and I was in a good place.
I have a new work colleague (past 6 weeks), who is not an employee, a temp. I find her attitude demeaning, argumentative and her manner abrasive. We got into a disagreement which left me feeling uncomfortable, upset and stressed. I ended up taking a couple of days off sick with a migraine attack.
I wrote a statement to HR, saying that I had been upset by a colleagues working style which had led to stress and a severe migraine. HR made a big deal about the time off and suggested that I was finding the job stressful and maybe I should look at another line of work. I disagreed as I have been under many stressful situations that I had coped with.
Last week after a number of smaller issues with this colleague that I brushed off and ignored, we had another disagreement that disrupted the entire office. She had told me something, then when I called her on it, she changed her story and told me I had misheard her. Basically I felt as though she had lied to cover up for herself but unfortunately I let her drag me in to the conversation in sheer frustration by saying 'but you just told me this, now you are telling me this'. She changed what she had said 3 times.
We were both taken to a meeting room by the HR lady, who listened to my colleagues side whilst I shook my head in disbelief at what she was saying. I was unable to speak as I was too upset, angry and shocked. The HR sent us home 30mins early and gave us homework of writing what the other person did that upset us and also to write what we thought the other person did that we admired.
The following morning we were both asked into a meeting with HR. I went first and mentioned to HR that I was uncomfortable participating with my colleague present as I didn't feel safe discussing the situation, I was told to sit down. When my colleague arrive she was asked to sit too. I again mentioned that I wasn't happy to participate but HR continued to talk about the homework she had set.
I said that I felt gaslighted and was asked to explain what I meant. I said that I didnt trust what my colleague says is truthful, I didnt feel safe talking and had no trust in the process. My HR then said to my colleague 'I bet you dont feel safe or have no trust either do you?' she agreed. HR then proceeded to chastise me (in front of colleague) that I didnt want to take part, what did I want to do, HR would have to carry out an investigation and speak to my superiors and the MD and would let me know the outcome. Whilst HR was chastising me, my whole body was visibly shaking. I came away shocked and feeling bullied, with the whole thing blown way out of proportion.
My colleague, who continues to sit next to me, is now contacting me by email.
I am not dealing with the whole thing very well at all. I have the stress knot back in my stomach, feeling sick, stress diarrhea and tearful. I am currently at home sick, worrying about having to go back to work. I feel like quitting but cant afford to.
I am struggling to apply my Al-anon tools to the situation. I'm wondering if its me, that my reactions are not normal. That maybe I am not as mentally well as I thought I was.
Can anyone offer any advice?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
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Guess she never got the memo about making a positive impression when starting a new job. She certainly is drawing attention to herself, with all her unprofessional chaos.
Human resources missed the boat here.
If she isn't a good fit for your organization, they obviously need to replace her.
I am sorry your HR person is a bird brain. But now you see the situation for what it is.
There will always be personality conflicts in the work place. Choose to not engage with her. You now see her for what she truly is, keep the dialogue professional and to a minimum.
Wishing you peace.
Guess she never got the memo about making a positive impression when starting a new job. She certainly is drawing attention to herself, with all her unprofessional chaos.
Human resources missed the boat here.
If she isn't a good fit for your organization, they obviously need to replace her.
I am sorry your HR person is a bird brain. But now you see the situation for what it is.
There will always be personality conflicts in the work place. Choose to not engage with her. You now see her for what she truly is, keep the dialogue professional and to a minimum.
Wishing you peace.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I have been thinking about this post all night.
When I left my exAH (or we left each other). I got a new boss who in many ways reminds me of him.
I have spent a lot of hours working on that relationship now. It included some very big lows and all came to a head in January for me.
It has FORCED some healing that needed to happen. I am now capable of standing up to myself with him. I have now decided that his opinion of me does not matter (he told me I had a personality disorder), but then three weeks later gave me the best eval of my life. In the short-term though it has felt like living with active addiction all over again.
I actually brought it up as a topic at meetings, got support from my therapist and have been fortunate to get support from my co-workers.
I know there is more in there for me, so I will post more later when it sort of settles out.
Sending hugs to you this morning. Keep your chin up, and yes I think this is a place that working your recovery can be helpful. I know I did ask at times if the stress was worth it (I have worked there prior with a lot of stress too, but as I have been recovering not all of it is acceptable anymore). That is part of what I am still working on.
When I left my exAH (or we left each other). I got a new boss who in many ways reminds me of him.
I have spent a lot of hours working on that relationship now. It included some very big lows and all came to a head in January for me.
It has FORCED some healing that needed to happen. I am now capable of standing up to myself with him. I have now decided that his opinion of me does not matter (he told me I had a personality disorder), but then three weeks later gave me the best eval of my life. In the short-term though it has felt like living with active addiction all over again.
I actually brought it up as a topic at meetings, got support from my therapist and have been fortunate to get support from my co-workers.
I know there is more in there for me, so I will post more later when it sort of settles out.
Sending hugs to you this morning. Keep your chin up, and yes I think this is a place that working your recovery can be helpful. I know I did ask at times if the stress was worth it (I have worked there prior with a lot of stress too, but as I have been recovering not all of it is acceptable anymore). That is part of what I am still working on.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
((((hugs))))
Al-Anon principles work great in the work place. I am much more comfortable in my job now that I am working a recovery.
A couple of things that have worked for me. One is to simply focus on my job. I no longer assume responsibility for things that I can't control. I simply document the situation and let my manger know what's going on. If he wants me to lend a hand he will let me know.
Two is to not engage. If someone is being a jerk I don't have to choose to react. By staying polite and professional I avoid making myself look bad.
Three is "how important is it". That is a great saying. In the whole scheme of things it really isn't that important. It is just a job. It's not worth my health or my sanity. By changing my attitude and focusing on only what I am responsible for I am doing much better at work and even enjoying it.
I hope this helps.
Your friend,
Al-Anon principles work great in the work place. I am much more comfortable in my job now that I am working a recovery.
A couple of things that have worked for me. One is to simply focus on my job. I no longer assume responsibility for things that I can't control. I simply document the situation and let my manger know what's going on. If he wants me to lend a hand he will let me know.
Two is to not engage. If someone is being a jerk I don't have to choose to react. By staying polite and professional I avoid making myself look bad.
Three is "how important is it". That is a great saying. In the whole scheme of things it really isn't that important. It is just a job. It's not worth my health or my sanity. By changing my attitude and focusing on only what I am responsible for I am doing much better at work and even enjoying it.
I hope this helps.
Your friend,
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
I hate so much that you are dealing with this ~ it does sound like the HR dept didn't do a professional job at handling the situation ~
I have had similiar situations with non-alcoholic/addict issues & have applied the principles of the program to help me in dealing with what's the Next Right Thing ~
I like to use the Steps (especially 1, 2 & 3)
Step 1 - I am powerless over my co-worker & our inability to get thru this situation
It is making my "work" life unmanagable
Step 2 - I believe in my HP and his/her ability to restore ME to sanity
Step 3 - Making a decision to turn my co-worker, my pain, my feelings & my resentments and ALL of this situation over to the care of my God, as I understand Him
and then I read Tradition ONE ~ Our common welfare should come first - personal progress for the greatest number depends upon unity. ~ although this other person may not be interested in unity ~ it is my responsibility to keep my side of the street clean for harmony in the office ~ i make sure that everything I need to do to be healthy, polite, and kind is done ~ for my own recovery
Then I wait ~ for my HP to direct me to show me what is the First Thing First for me to do to take care of me and yet making this a sane & safe environment for ALL to work in ~
Just my e, s, & h ~
wishing you healing & peace!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
I have had similiar situations with non-alcoholic/addict issues & have applied the principles of the program to help me in dealing with what's the Next Right Thing ~
I like to use the Steps (especially 1, 2 & 3)
Step 1 - I am powerless over my co-worker & our inability to get thru this situation
It is making my "work" life unmanagable
Step 2 - I believe in my HP and his/her ability to restore ME to sanity
Step 3 - Making a decision to turn my co-worker, my pain, my feelings & my resentments and ALL of this situation over to the care of my God, as I understand Him
and then I read Tradition ONE ~ Our common welfare should come first - personal progress for the greatest number depends upon unity. ~ although this other person may not be interested in unity ~ it is my responsibility to keep my side of the street clean for harmony in the office ~ i make sure that everything I need to do to be healthy, polite, and kind is done ~ for my own recovery
Then I wait ~ for my HP to direct me to show me what is the First Thing First for me to do to take care of me and yet making this a sane & safe environment for ALL to work in ~
Just my e, s, & h ~
wishing you healing & peace!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
I am having PTSD just reading this.
You have to go to work. If you cannot leave, you have to show up every day.
They do not care about your feelings. You look bad by calling in sick.
Go to work and kill the pipsqueek with kindness!
Do not let pipsqueek ruin your job.
You need to see her for the little troll that she is.
I work with some twenty somethings and I just shake my head sometimes. Different times now. We behaved a lot different when we were that age.
The lovely ones, I want to take them home in my pocket, the brats, I ignore or kill 'em with niceness. They don't know what to do with that.
You have to go to work. If you cannot leave, you have to show up every day.
They do not care about your feelings. You look bad by calling in sick.
Go to work and kill the pipsqueek with kindness!
Do not let pipsqueek ruin your job.
You need to see her for the little troll that she is.
I work with some twenty somethings and I just shake my head sometimes. Different times now. We behaved a lot different when we were that age.
The lovely ones, I want to take them home in my pocket, the brats, I ignore or kill 'em with niceness. They don't know what to do with that.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Good God - your HR person is wacked herself. The whole trust question...leading the witness!
Ok, so you got into a hornet's nest and then a double whammy by stepping into an even bigger one (involving HR).
What to do now? Gently remove your feet out of both, and slowly step away from the mess. And stay there!
You don't have to react to everything this person says. Or does. I have a colleague who is very nice to my face, then turns around and cc's our boss on every single email she sends to me. She doesn't do this with anyone else. I ask her for something, she gives it to me, cc'd to the boss. It's bizarre. And it infuriates me. So I go take a walk, or fume for a minute and let it go. I have never asked my boss why, nor confronted this woman on it. But...in a meeting not too long ago where I was asked about a project team, I very firmly stated I did not want this person on my team as I don't find her trustworthy. I didn't elaborate why. Just stated my preferences.
Your work p-i-t-a is a temp, right? Meaning she won't be there forever? My p-i-t-a is retiring soon...so I know there is a means to an end in sight. Hang onto that! You can't control this situation, HR won't support your preferences, so best to focus on what you can manage - you and your own job performance.
Ok, so you got into a hornet's nest and then a double whammy by stepping into an even bigger one (involving HR).
What to do now? Gently remove your feet out of both, and slowly step away from the mess. And stay there!
You don't have to react to everything this person says. Or does. I have a colleague who is very nice to my face, then turns around and cc's our boss on every single email she sends to me. She doesn't do this with anyone else. I ask her for something, she gives it to me, cc'd to the boss. It's bizarre. And it infuriates me. So I go take a walk, or fume for a minute and let it go. I have never asked my boss why, nor confronted this woman on it. But...in a meeting not too long ago where I was asked about a project team, I very firmly stated I did not want this person on my team as I don't find her trustworthy. I didn't elaborate why. Just stated my preferences.
Your work p-i-t-a is a temp, right? Meaning she won't be there forever? My p-i-t-a is retiring soon...so I know there is a means to an end in sight. Hang onto that! You can't control this situation, HR won't support your preferences, so best to focus on what you can manage - you and your own job performance.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Miles from Nowhere
Posts: 396
sorry this happened to you. (hugs)
HR person sounds like a real dip, and doesn't know what they are doing.
Read up on "workplace bullying." I've suffered from work trauma too. I feel your pain.
HR person sounds like a real dip, and doesn't know what they are doing.
Read up on "workplace bullying." I've suffered from work trauma too. I feel your pain.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 173
I am sorry you are in this situation; dreading your workplace is just an awful thing to go through. I used to work with someone who was abrasive and bullying; it was uncomfortable and eventually I tried to limit my interaction with her to just giving her the work product that was required. She was abrasive with everyone, not just me, and eventually she left the company, much to everyone's relief!
The HR lady is not handling the situation well; sounds to me like she is a bit afraid of this toxic coworker because she seems to be taking their side and not treating the situation fairly at all. I do some HR work for my employer and do agree with Mike that HR is there to look out for the company's interests first. Not sure if speaking to your direct supervisor/boss would be of any help to you, but if you have a good relationship with that person, it might be something to try.
I also agree with the advice not to engage; it’s difficult to do if your work requires you to interact with her, but if you can't change this, do your best to ignore her if you can. If she’s temporary, then hopefully she will be gone soon. Sending you support and strength to get through this!
The HR lady is not handling the situation well; sounds to me like she is a bit afraid of this toxic coworker because she seems to be taking their side and not treating the situation fairly at all. I do some HR work for my employer and do agree with Mike that HR is there to look out for the company's interests first. Not sure if speaking to your direct supervisor/boss would be of any help to you, but if you have a good relationship with that person, it might be something to try.
I also agree with the advice not to engage; it’s difficult to do if your work requires you to interact with her, but if you can't change this, do your best to ignore her if you can. If she’s temporary, then hopefully she will be gone soon. Sending you support and strength to get through this!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
Thanks everyone.
This has been the first time in a year that I have felt so stressed with physical symptoms that I feel sick. I spent so long with my focus on learning to let go of an alcoholic husband that it hadnt occured to me that I may need the tools for life in general.
anvilhead - Im not in a job that I love. That only seems to happen to the lucky few.
I do enjoy the work, the people I work with, the company overall. I think maybe Im struggling because this new collegue has similar traits to my alcoholic, Im also struggling with the way HR has handled things and just feeling vulnerable.
This has been the first time in a year that I have felt so stressed with physical symptoms that I feel sick. I spent so long with my focus on learning to let go of an alcoholic husband that it hadnt occured to me that I may need the tools for life in general.
anvilhead - Im not in a job that I love. That only seems to happen to the lucky few.
I do enjoy the work, the people I work with, the company overall. I think maybe Im struggling because this new collegue has similar traits to my alcoholic, Im also struggling with the way HR has handled things and just feeling vulnerable.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Sounds like a toxic person and a toxic situation. Perhaps Googling how to deal with toxic people, or how to deal with difficult people, will get you some good practical advice. I have been in a similar situation as you, but it was my boss, and she was a bully. I was like you, stressed out 24 hours a day. I got no sleep. I would wake up in the middle of the night, thinking about every single dealing I had with her, what had happened, what was wrong, how to fix it. My hair started falling out. I became sick. I tried for a year and a half to "make it work." I analyzed, evaluated, tried to change myself, tried to change her (because I LOVED my job), but in the end, I had to Let Go. When I read a good source of information about bullies and what trying to be in any kind of relationship with them looks and feels like, I knew I needed to get away from that person as quickly as possible. I bit the bullet and changed jobs, and now my days at work are peaceful, my hair has grown back, and I don't wake up in the middle of the night anxious about work and dealing with a toxic bully.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,393
Hi. I have worked for temp agencies. I think maybe HR was trying to keep any of this from getting back to the agency. I'm not saying they were right. You are their employee. Maybe this might explain the strange way they handled it? Hopefully that temp is only there temporarily. Take care. I use urge surfing to curtail migraines. Try it.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 202
Hi Eightball
So sorry you are going through this. I have been having a very, very difficult time at work for the last 8 months. My underlying issues are of course the stresses I'm going through in my personal life. However, a change in role and change of management in work has destroyed what used to be my daily safe haven. I have also been treated badly by HR (IMO), and have also tried to put things in place with my managers to help me through this difficult time. None of it has made a blind bit of a difference, so I will have to wait and see where I go with this.
What Mike says about HR being there for the company rather than the employee in my experience is 100% on the money unfortunately. What I don't understand in your case is why they appear to have favored a temporary staff member over someone who has worked well with them for a number of years. I also think they were very much in the wrong insisting that you meet with them together. When I was having difficulties with my manager, HR asked if I would be comfortable meeting with her and HR together and I said absolutely not. They weren't happy about it, but they had to respect my wishes.
All the advice above makes a lot of sense. The other thing I would add is to keep all evidence (emails etc.) and to keep a diary of everything that happens. I've started doing this recently, and plan to use it if I ever need to. It is bad enough that I've been treated so badly in my personal life, but I refuse to allow it happen in my work life also.
Sorry for rambling, I don't think I've been of any help, but maybe a little comfort knowing you're not the only one going through crap at work!!
Adventure
So sorry you are going through this. I have been having a very, very difficult time at work for the last 8 months. My underlying issues are of course the stresses I'm going through in my personal life. However, a change in role and change of management in work has destroyed what used to be my daily safe haven. I have also been treated badly by HR (IMO), and have also tried to put things in place with my managers to help me through this difficult time. None of it has made a blind bit of a difference, so I will have to wait and see where I go with this.
What Mike says about HR being there for the company rather than the employee in my experience is 100% on the money unfortunately. What I don't understand in your case is why they appear to have favored a temporary staff member over someone who has worked well with them for a number of years. I also think they were very much in the wrong insisting that you meet with them together. When I was having difficulties with my manager, HR asked if I would be comfortable meeting with her and HR together and I said absolutely not. They weren't happy about it, but they had to respect my wishes.
All the advice above makes a lot of sense. The other thing I would add is to keep all evidence (emails etc.) and to keep a diary of everything that happens. I've started doing this recently, and plan to use it if I ever need to. It is bad enough that I've been treated so badly in my personal life, but I refuse to allow it happen in my work life also.
Sorry for rambling, I don't think I've been of any help, but maybe a little comfort knowing you're not the only one going through crap at work!!
Adventure
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