boldaslove

A little background...fell in love with my ex when I was 14, we dated on and off and the off part was always because of his addictions (first coke and alcohol, then painkillers), finally ended my friendship with my BPD best friend who I also worked for (I ran the business she owned and we lived on the premises; this is truly where my codependency blossomed). I also dated a dry drunk who was "sober" for 4 years (he regularly used marijuana), who also owned the business I worked at and was about 20 years my senior (I am 26). These past few years I have learned a lot about codependency. I was in therapy for about a year until my insurance ran out, and my therapist really helped me recognize some of the same patterns playing out and with my PTSD from my time with my emotionally abusive "friend." In many ways, I feel much, much healthier than where I was even a year ago.

However, since I started dating again, I find that I am not always positive what is a red flag and what is simply me overreacting/being hypervigilant because of my history. When my first ex contacted me again in November, I was able to recognize relatively quickly that he was lying about being clean and we are now no contact. I stopped seeing another man whose drinking made me uncomfortable. However, these red flags were all waving loud and clear.

There is a man who has been pursuing me lately who rarely drinks, but he is both a regular where I work, and again, much older than me. Because of that, I have been treading cautiously. We were supposed to meet for dinner one night, and he told me he had rescheduled an appointment for that evening because of our date. I panicked and came up with an excuse to cancel. Those key feelings of obligation and guilt welled up, and suddenly I couldn't tell if it was my gut talking or simply my old wounds resurfacing. I felt the same way when he told me it was his birthday on Tuesday; he joked that seeing me was the only present he needed but I still felt obligated and guilty!

Sorry this is so long and rambly; when I try to look the the situation objectively, I just can't tell if I should be heeding these feelings or if I am just hypersensitive to any sort of manipulation! I guess that's really my ultimate question, how do you tell the difference between a true red flag versus my emotional memory overreacting?

angrywife

If something makes you uncomfortable, it's a red flag. Listen to your gut.

transformyself

I don't think it matters what the catalyst is; only that you heed that flag Darlin. Heed 'em all.

Learn2Live

Trust your instincts.

Tuffgirl

It sounds so easy - "trust your instincts" - but I know when I was younger I had a hard time doing that...simply not enough life experience to trust those gut feelings. (And I am assuming you are younger than I am, probably by a lot!)

Another way to look at it is pay very close attention to how you feel in these circumstances. You mentioned several times with this older man feeling uncomfortable or obligated... those two feelings themselves are red flags from you to you that maybe you aren't into this guy, regardless of what he is or isn't doing.

If you feel uncomfortable, stop and ask yourself why, but don't write your feelings off to "past traumas" without some serious introspection. That's an easy codie excuse - past traumas.

Take good care,
~T

Cyranoak

And why older guys? There isn't necessarily anything wrong with that, but it's important for you to know the "why?' What's equally important to know is why older guys are pursing you (in addition to the obvious reasons).

Cyranoak

LaTeeDa

It sounds to me like you don't trust yourself yet. That's the key. If you trust yourself, you can do the right thing in any situation. If you don't, then maybe it's too soon to be dating.

L

marie1960

If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it's a duck!!!

i agree trust your gut instinct.

If something appears to good to be true, it usually is.

boldaslove

Thanks for all the responses, I really appreciate it. I am younger (26), and you're right that every time I have ignored my gut, it's been right 100% of the time.

Tuffgurl, I think you're right, I think I am not interested in him, mostly due to how similar it feels to my ex and how complicated it is with my work. When we went on our first and only date, I was not certain I would be staying at my job, but a recent promotion means I will be there at least a year. I don't think I am willing to handle the potential complications of a relationship.

Cyranoak, that's definitely something I have considered. Part of it I think is being mature for my age, I don't meet many guys my age that I am interested in. However, I was also adopted, and although I have met my birth mother, I never knew my father. I am hoping to explore that in therapy once I get on my employer's insurance.

LaTeeDa, I think you really nailed it too. I feel like my "picker" was broken for so long that I don't trust myself to make the right decision. That definitely gives me something to think more about, thank you. You're right as well, if I can't trust my instinct and say no to this man, I am not ready to be dating. No is a complete sentence; it's funny how I can remember that in some parts of my life and not others. I guess it's all a work in progress, right?

DefofLov

Boldaslove,

I don't have much to add, but I think it is great that you are willing to sort through your feelings and try to figure out what red flags are and whether it not to listen to them.

I'm 27 and I am a serial monogamist and mega-Codie. Right now I am also learning to trust my instincts. I am also learning that I don't have to date every man that comes my way to figure out whether or not he is right for me.

As a matter of fact, I'm too busy dating myself right now to be bothered with the dating scene. Having been a mega-Codie must of my life, I never really took the time to find out who I am. Now, I'm learning more about me and it is very fascinating. It will take some time to work through my codependent habits and learn to trust myself and also to learn what I truly desire in a relationship and what type of man will hit into my life.

So, I totally understand what you are going through.

Love and Light,

Lily

lillamy

I can relate a bit to what you're saying. I wasn't going to date, ever, again after I left AXH. I'm now in a relationship with someone I've known for forever. And I've found that it's easier to identify the "baggage" reactions when I give myself the time and space to do it.

Doing that requires a patient partner. And I've decided that's the only way I could be in a relationship again -- if my partner accepts that sometimes, I react in ways that make no fracking sense to him, and trusts me to work it out (sometimes with him, sometimes on my own). I've also decided that this is not a bad way to figure out if my partner is someone I want to continue being with. A person who thinks all my reactions are about him is a big fat whopping red flag to me.

For me, it's about my relationship with myself first and other relationships later. Not because I'm selfish, but because in order to be true and honest with other people, I need to first be true and honest with myself.

So if I had a reaction of obligation and guilt, it wouldn't matter to me whether it's a red flag or "just in my head" because if a situation triggers feelings of obligation and guilt in me, it's not a situation that I need to be in right now. Maybe one, three, ten years from now, I would be in a place where I don't react the same way. That doesn't matter right now. Right now, I need to focus on healing, and any person who is not conducive to my healing has no place in my life.