Suddenly VERY hostile. To everyone. Just a vent.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Suddenly VERY hostile. To everyone. Just a vent.
that would be me, not AH.
I think something transformative has happened with both of my toxic relationships.
I have finally decided, 100%, to leave both my AH and my NPD business partner. As you know, these folks don't let others go easily, for whatever reason. The business partner is playing her games, AH is playing his.
I am refusing to play these games to the best of my ability, but I'm so freaking ANGRY!!! It's horrible. I think I'm furious at:
My parents. yeah, that one never gets old. they really handed me one ****** up life. I hate them today, they set me up for this madness. I've never EVER seen a healthy relationship until the past few years when I became health enough to hang out with those folks. It's like a secret club or something. Now that I have something to compare it to, I'm horrified that I've taken this abuse for so long from AH. Bought into his guilt and blame placing. Ugh. Now that I see what loving, respectful men look like, I'm so ******* pissed. So pissed.
My AH. Can't take any more of his blaming, victim crap and horrible parenting, but I'm stuck here with him until I can find work, get a car and get the hell away. He's in control of all the money, so I'll file for divorce and get a measly $800 a month taken out of his check for me and the kids.
My car and the punk who sold it to me. I bought an old mercedes diesel engine with the hopes of altering the fuel system to run on straight veg oil, but the damn thing keeps breaking down. I mean it. Every time I fix something, another very expensive thing goes wrong with it almost immediately. And who profits from it? the kids who sold it to me and keeps fixing it and telling me NOT to sell it. I'm an idiot!!!
Myself--for continuing to engage with AH, with my car that doesn't really work, and the business partner for so long. The Business partner dangled the promise of money in front of me, while using me so that she could make money. After finding out she's been pimping me out and using me, I want to kill her. Being faced with the reality of this betrayal is infuriating. I have engaged an attorney to end the relationship, but she's not actually working very hard on this and I can't expect her to because I"m not paying her. I just want this to be OVER. The Car, the AH, and the business situation. I WANT IT DONE NOW
I will have to file for divorce myself as well, as I am broke but not waiting any longer to end this madness. I need $150 to file and as soon as I get it, I'll file, then serve him while we're living together and he can either deal with it or choke on it.
I'm angry because it's the only way to not be afraid of him, of her and of wth I'm going to do on my own.
One of my collegues, a truly kind man, keeps telling me that once this business partner is out of the way I will be amazed at the opportunity our industry and community will offer me, because I have worked tirelessly in our community for social justice for a long time and will get my just rewards.
There is no more negotiating with terrorists for me. I'm all done.
I think something transformative has happened with both of my toxic relationships.
I have finally decided, 100%, to leave both my AH and my NPD business partner. As you know, these folks don't let others go easily, for whatever reason. The business partner is playing her games, AH is playing his.
I am refusing to play these games to the best of my ability, but I'm so freaking ANGRY!!! It's horrible. I think I'm furious at:
My parents. yeah, that one never gets old. they really handed me one ****** up life. I hate them today, they set me up for this madness. I've never EVER seen a healthy relationship until the past few years when I became health enough to hang out with those folks. It's like a secret club or something. Now that I have something to compare it to, I'm horrified that I've taken this abuse for so long from AH. Bought into his guilt and blame placing. Ugh. Now that I see what loving, respectful men look like, I'm so ******* pissed. So pissed.
My AH. Can't take any more of his blaming, victim crap and horrible parenting, but I'm stuck here with him until I can find work, get a car and get the hell away. He's in control of all the money, so I'll file for divorce and get a measly $800 a month taken out of his check for me and the kids.
My car and the punk who sold it to me. I bought an old mercedes diesel engine with the hopes of altering the fuel system to run on straight veg oil, but the damn thing keeps breaking down. I mean it. Every time I fix something, another very expensive thing goes wrong with it almost immediately. And who profits from it? the kids who sold it to me and keeps fixing it and telling me NOT to sell it. I'm an idiot!!!
Myself--for continuing to engage with AH, with my car that doesn't really work, and the business partner for so long. The Business partner dangled the promise of money in front of me, while using me so that she could make money. After finding out she's been pimping me out and using me, I want to kill her. Being faced with the reality of this betrayal is infuriating. I have engaged an attorney to end the relationship, but she's not actually working very hard on this and I can't expect her to because I"m not paying her. I just want this to be OVER. The Car, the AH, and the business situation. I WANT IT DONE NOW
I will have to file for divorce myself as well, as I am broke but not waiting any longer to end this madness. I need $150 to file and as soon as I get it, I'll file, then serve him while we're living together and he can either deal with it or choke on it.
I'm angry because it's the only way to not be afraid of him, of her and of wth I'm going to do on my own.
One of my collegues, a truly kind man, keeps telling me that once this business partner is out of the way I will be amazed at the opportunity our industry and community will offer me, because I have worked tirelessly in our community for social justice for a long time and will get my just rewards.
There is no more negotiating with terrorists for me. I'm all done.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
And I just keep learning more and more about the ways that my business partner is screwing over me and our contractors. Unbelievable! I have to disentagle from this woman, I hope no one sues us..
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
My goodness, when I read this I think, No WONDER i'm angry. Now to move past it, put that anger to good use.
Wasted another day being angry! That makes me even MORE ANGRY. Arrrghghghghg
Wasted another day being angry! That makes me even MORE ANGRY. Arrrghghghghg
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I am angry as well, when I know respectful men, or when I see all the stories about successful people with a strong support system............ angry with life and with God. Maybe you missed those in your list??
transformy, I left my toxic job, right now I am unemployed. I know opportunities will come along and I am seeking others. In any case this is better than losing sleep and harming my own mental health involved with abusive types on a daily basis. I do not regret this at all. I know you will feel so much better when you start putting distance away from these characters. They are a drain of our energy.
HUGS.
transformy, I left my toxic job, right now I am unemployed. I know opportunities will come along and I am seeking others. In any case this is better than losing sleep and harming my own mental health involved with abusive types on a daily basis. I do not regret this at all. I know you will feel so much better when you start putting distance away from these characters. They are a drain of our energy.
HUGS.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Coming here and seeing your sweet faces, I feel so blessed.
TC you are such an inspiration to me! We're in the same place; I'm also leaving my only employment because it's so toxic. And I do believe that better, gentler, more respectful living is ahead of me. Gotta throw out the trash to make room for the treasure!
And Liz-thank you for lifting me up
And Coney--take a good look at your post lol. Turning anger into power right next to the picture of that roller coaster?? I LOVE roller coasters and when I'm at my best I see Life as one as well.
Thank you all. I feel blessed and loved and I'm giving it right back to you! I sure wish we could have a convention or something. Meet in person
much love, Transform
TC you are such an inspiration to me! We're in the same place; I'm also leaving my only employment because it's so toxic. And I do believe that better, gentler, more respectful living is ahead of me. Gotta throw out the trash to make room for the treasure!
And Liz-thank you for lifting me up
And Coney--take a good look at your post lol. Turning anger into power right next to the picture of that roller coaster?? I LOVE roller coasters and when I'm at my best I see Life as one as well.
Thank you all. I feel blessed and loved and I'm giving it right back to you! I sure wish we could have a convention or something. Meet in person
much love, Transform
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I forgot to tell you
I think this anger I had today was a side effect of Prednisone. I took my first dose yesterday and while it did help with inflammation, I'm pretty sure it gave me a very confused rage.
So, back to the Dr I go. Not taking that crap anymore.
G'night ya'll !
So, back to the Dr I go. Not taking that crap anymore.
G'night ya'll !
has left the building :)
Join Date: May 2012
Location: The Big City
Posts: 59
Oh, Prednisone is a total nightmare! I'm thankful for every single day that I don't have to take that stuff. Yikes! 
Stay strong and above all, calm. Stress can aggravate inflammation like nobody's business! Just make you your top priority, and everything else will eventually fall into place.
I adore roller coasters too, especially the Cyclone, but I'm finally ready to get off this rickety frightfest I've been riding round and about the past 12 years!
Nighty night!
Stay strong and above all, calm. Stress can aggravate inflammation like nobody's business! Just make you your top priority, and everything else will eventually fall into place.
I adore roller coasters too, especially the Cyclone, but I'm finally ready to get off this rickety frightfest I've been riding round and about the past 12 years!
Nighty night!
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
remember - feelings are neither good, bad nor ugly - it's our reaction to them that can cause us difficulties ~
seems to me that you are using your anger to motivate productive change in your life ~
and usually for me, when the anger leaves, I find fear and sadness still with me ~ we work thru those emotions to find healing . . .
just my e, s, & h, ~
praying for ya!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
seems to me that you are using your anger to motivate productive change in your life ~
and usually for me, when the anger leaves, I find fear and sadness still with me ~ we work thru those emotions to find healing . . .
just my e, s, & h, ~
praying for ya!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
Transform,
I find myself at a place almost daily where I have to hold on to some form of anger and bitterness because otherwise I will slide backwards and 'allow' the A in my life to further take advantage of me. I don't always stick to my boundaries with him which makes me mad at myself. I find that sometimes my patience with others is tested because I have to keep up a wall with the A, and I look forward to the day when I am free. The clock is ticking. I don't think he really 'gets that' but I don't care anymore. When he gets served a cold dose of reality, it may knock him for a loop, or he might just get even more drunk to forget about it. Who knows, who cares.
Keep moving forward, even little steps in the right direction will add up to big changes in the end.
I find myself at a place almost daily where I have to hold on to some form of anger and bitterness because otherwise I will slide backwards and 'allow' the A in my life to further take advantage of me. I don't always stick to my boundaries with him which makes me mad at myself. I find that sometimes my patience with others is tested because I have to keep up a wall with the A, and I look forward to the day when I am free. The clock is ticking. I don't think he really 'gets that' but I don't care anymore. When he gets served a cold dose of reality, it may knock him for a loop, or he might just get even more drunk to forget about it. Who knows, who cares.
Keep moving forward, even little steps in the right direction will add up to big changes in the end.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Chron this is RIGHT ON and I don't mean in a seventies way either. Although it actually could be used as slang.
YES THIS!
This is the biggest reason why I'm eliminating all toxic people from my immediate circle. It's amazing! As I do so, opportunity to make money (and a difference in others lives) with people who I trust arises.
I"m not working with folks I don't know or trust ever again. AH is one example, my business partner is the other.
And also, I can't stress enough that I think that rage I was having was a direct side effect of the predinsone.
I find that sometimes my patience with others is tested because I have to keep up a wall with the A, and I look forward to the day when I am free.
This is the biggest reason why I'm eliminating all toxic people from my immediate circle. It's amazing! As I do so, opportunity to make money (and a difference in others lives) with people who I trust arises.
I"m not working with folks I don't know or trust ever again. AH is one example, my business partner is the other.
And also, I can't stress enough that I think that rage I was having was a direct side effect of the predinsone.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I don't know the divorce laws in your state, but where I live (CA) you would probably be better off filing for divorce while unemployed. Child support would be higher and, depending on how long you've been married, you might be able to get spousal support, too.
Just a thought.....
L
Just a thought.....
L
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Transform, this happened to me recently.
I had a venom episode! LOL
I got so angry and put my foot down in every area of my life that I was being bled from.
I turned off the sponge!
It was a little scary for a day, then it started to feel good. I did not hurt, anyone, luckily, just stopped playing games, and did a lot of telling it like it is.
I think it's a healthy step for me, maybe for you to?
I had a venom episode! LOL
I got so angry and put my foot down in every area of my life that I was being bled from.
I turned off the sponge!
It was a little scary for a day, then it started to feel good. I did not hurt, anyone, luckily, just stopped playing games, and did a lot of telling it like it is.
I think it's a healthy step for me, maybe for you to?
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Speaking of opportunities, I joined an artistic class (accessories)
The teacher turned out to be this Famous designer who has shown his clothes in major catwalks and dresses a famous music band.
Long story short, we had dinner tonight (and rescued a homeless dog and took it to the vet and bought it medicine but that's another story!!) and he invited me to tag along with him in the creation of his new collection. He suggested for me to create my own label and create my first collection, start selling to stores. He has many rich friends who in turn, sell to the rich and famous in my country...
SO, I don't want to get too excited, but today (and without me seeking this at ALL) this MAJOR opportunity came to me.
transformy, I have no doubt your life is about to improve in ways you have not expected it to!!
The teacher turned out to be this Famous designer who has shown his clothes in major catwalks and dresses a famous music band.
Long story short, we had dinner tonight (and rescued a homeless dog and took it to the vet and bought it medicine but that's another story!!) and he invited me to tag along with him in the creation of his new collection. He suggested for me to create my own label and create my first collection, start selling to stores. He has many rich friends who in turn, sell to the rich and famous in my country...
SO, I don't want to get too excited, but today (and without me seeking this at ALL) this MAJOR opportunity came to me.
transformy, I have no doubt your life is about to improve in ways you have not expected it to!!
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
there was a research study published in the last year or so that proved people have a limit to their patience, (presumably funded by the institute of the flaming obvious) that if you overload them in one area of their lives they are less able to be patient in others. I experience this if I engage with AH I am less able to cope with tantrums from the kids in a kind adult way.
you have a lot going on, and are making a lot of difficult changes to make your life better, sounds like that anger is motivating you. I remember at one point all I felt was rage, and I had nowhere near as many changes as you going on: it felt a) powerful, unlike fear which felt disabling, and b) like the only authentic feeling I could get in touch with at that time.
you have a lot going on, and are making a lot of difficult changes to make your life better, sounds like that anger is motivating you. I remember at one point all I felt was rage, and I had nowhere near as many changes as you going on: it felt a) powerful, unlike fear which felt disabling, and b) like the only authentic feeling I could get in touch with at that time.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Ok Jen you're hilarious and smart; my kind of friend. And you're right of course.
And TC that is AMAZING FANTASTIC news!!! I am experiencing the same sort of thing here in the armpit of the midwest, except a small group of us (people I have worked with for three years and know and trust) are about to stage a revolution like I've never seen. It's so exciting, I can hardly believe it. People I know and trust, working together to help the people and still able to make money.
It's what I've been calling to me, so it's not really a surprise. What I'm surprised by is that I had to dump my business partner who has ill intentions before I could receive this gift.
Love and hugs to all. If you're struggling with facing betrayals, please know that you'll heal up and can make your life so much better than your wildest dreams.
Just keep dreaming it forward.
And TC that is AMAZING FANTASTIC news!!! I am experiencing the same sort of thing here in the armpit of the midwest, except a small group of us (people I have worked with for three years and know and trust) are about to stage a revolution like I've never seen. It's so exciting, I can hardly believe it. People I know and trust, working together to help the people and still able to make money.
It's what I've been calling to me, so it's not really a surprise. What I'm surprised by is that I had to dump my business partner who has ill intentions before I could receive this gift.
Love and hugs to all. If you're struggling with facing betrayals, please know that you'll heal up and can make your life so much better than your wildest dreams.
Just keep dreaming it forward.
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