transformyself

this man is so insane. Is he getting crazier or am I noticing more since I'm detached and not taking things personally or both?

He's shifted into having some sort of bug up his ass about me, and every conversation over the last two days has gone like this:

I ask a question, like, "do you want to take our son to his swim meet tomorrow or should I?" or something like that that has to do with kids or finances, and he spends about ten seconds choking down absolute hatred until saying something syrupy sweet.

This is why responding to his rants with, "I"m sorry you feel that way," doesn't work for me. It's passive aggressive and simply not true. I'm not sorry he feels that way, it's not my fault or problem so I dont BS like that.

He's been screaming at me in the car when I pick him up from work, so I told him no more and he's been walking home. I bet his increasing rage is stemming from my clearer boundaries but reality is its none of my business. My business is keeping myself safe from this idiot.

He went on a drunken rant the other night about how he's just a Neanderthal, because he wants to have sex with me but I won't. He actually told me everything would be better if I would just have sex with him.

I told him I'm not attracted to him because he reeks of booze and has regular volcanic bouts of rage. That didn't help, I'm sure.

I used to be tortured by this, I would feel horrible for not having sex with him, feel horrible because he was mad at me and didn't understand me.

Now I just want to be away from him. I walk away all the time. I don't care what his resentments are, don't give a flying ****. He better figure out how to he needs to stfu and keep it to himself or act right I'll pack up the kids very soon and leave with the only working car and file emergency forms to seize his assets.

Or he may give me the chance soon to call the police while he's raging at me drunk. I can tell that's coming too and when it does, he'll be going away drunk to jail.

For now I have to get this rage down. I'm not detaching today, I'm biting on his hooks and need to get better distance from his insane antics.

oh2exhale

Hello-
Explain to me again why? Why havent you gotten a restraining order, changed the locks on everything, got a no contact order, c-l-o-s-e-d the door on the "relationship"?
"accept the things we cannot change(he loves his addiction more than you and your family), change the things we can (like the locks on the door) and the WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE
hope this helps, take good care of yourself so that someone is there for the kids.

JenT1968

IMO - that sentence only works for me if I am sorry that someone feels that way, otherwise it can come off as invalidating and snipy. so do whatever works for you.

The weeks leading up to us physically seperating and not living in the same house were some of the most tense, anxious and difficult I have ever experienced, rage was leaking out of every pore of my ex, and his conversations/accusations/attitude/behaviour were really, really out there. I don't think I was exactly the poster girl for serene mental well-being either.

but I did make it through, not always any where near "perfectly" and you will too.

Good to hear you're thinking about keeping safe until the lease is up (if I've got your timeframe right?) and starting to think of plan b's in case things escalate or take a nastier turn, or you've just mentally had enough.

(())

Tuffgirl

Me too. I think its fairly common to have things go totally bad as a catalyst for us to walk.

Hang in there!

lizatola

Is there someplace you can go to get away for a few days? A friend's house, family, or hotel? This would drive me crazy, too, and I know you guys are separating soon so the anticipation factor from both of you is probably creating a ton of stress.

Oh, and on the sex thing. Yep, I used to feel guilty for not giving in even though I was repulsed by him because of his depressing rants or other personality disordered crap. Not anymore. He doesn't ask for it anymore, either, so that solves that problem.

Keep staying strong, venting here, and things will work out in the end. Sending peaceful thoughts your way!

lillamy

When I decided to leave and had a long term plan -- even though I didn't breathe a word about it -- I held to my boundaries, and when I changed, so did he.

When people pleasers stop pleasing people, people aren't pleased.

Why is he living with you again, again? And how soon can you park his sorry arse on the curb?

Katiekate

Please consider going somewhere else for the weekend.

Two angry people and alcohol in one place could blow up and become dangerous.

I understand your anger but please make yourself and your children safe.

transformyself

Thanks everyone.

jen, yes, the time frame is until the end of the lease, but I'm hoping to come up with the money to file soon and get the ball rolling. My car is on it's last leg, his is completely broken down and I'm changing careers so financially things have to pick up for me and soon.

There's no where for us to go, no family or safe place nearby and both kids have busy summer schedules between swimming and football training (every day) so I'm hesitant to leave town with them. He'll either straighten up or be hauled off. My immediate plan is to make sure my kids are safe, interact with them at home instead of him and try to get him to agree that we should be taking turns at home with the kids.

Somethings up, that's for sure. He's frantically texting me, emailing me. He's got all of his resentments boiling over and seems genuinely insane. I don't understand it, but am working to keep the kids safe.

I appreciate the posters here who are relating to me, it's very helpful.

transformyself

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html

Please read this before posting about me keeping my kids safe..

transformyself

llillamy I LOVE this
Someone else said on one of my threads that Quack is Crack for Codies, which I also love.

Adventure

Hey transformyself

I used to feel this way too, but having heard of a couple of horror stories recently (not on here, and actually not alcohol related), I've learned to be careful what I wish for. Not telling you what to do, and you know yourself anyway, just be safe.

I have major, major anger problems stemming from living with my AH and his BS for so long. My AH is an infuriating pacifist - takes an enormous amount to get him even a little bit cross, never mind really angry. I think if it wasn't for this I would probably have (almost intentionally) provoked him into something terrifying long ago. I have learned to not fantasize about him getting banged up for going too far in a rage, as you just never now if that little bit too far could end up being WAY too far.

We are on the road to recovery and ultimate freedom from the nightmare we have been subjected to. Don't let his BS take the excitement and anticipation out of it for you.

Adventure

transformyself

Hi Adventure thanks for your post

I'm not fantasizing or wishing for him to give me the chance to haul him to jail, but rather recalling the times I didn't call the police when he had escalated in this way and being clear with myself that I have a different boundary now.

I've lived with him long enough to know his patterns and he's certainly escalating now. Last time, he was raging at me in front of the kids and I should have called the cops. That was a few months ago, so it's time for another round I imagine.

My AH is passive aggressive, which also triggers my anger, which is why he's attracted to me.

I'm leaving work and headed home now, am eager to see the kids.

lillamy

And I apologize if I upset you with my question -- I wasn't asking "why on earth were you dumb enough to let him back into your life?" but "I missed the part where he moved back in, when did that happen?".

Found it. Now I know. And I hope the weekend is calm.

sparklingeyes

To be honest with you, it seems like you leave all the presures of decision making on his shoulders. And, he wants to be physically, emotionally, and spiritually close to you but you would rather be in control. Either you truly love him or you need to let him go.

pinkdog

I'm sure it's great to not bow and scrape anymore. However, since you are all sharing the same space especially with kids, I urge you to be as civil as possible. Just until you can get out. Maybe he is crazy. You still have to be the sensible one for awhile longer. For your kids' sake. Love to you. Keep going.

transformyself

lillamy-- No no, you didn't offend or upset me

LaTeeDa

Uh oh. Looks like Transform's AH has found his way to the forum.......

transformyself

Wow!! LTD that's brilliant!

I'm actually quite proud, because I took one look at that post, thought about responding but decided it's not worth my time and just put that person on my ignore list

pinkdog

I want to add that I have been in a similar situation with my ex. He would rage at me from dawn til dusk. I had to stay in that situation for awhile similar to what you are now going thru. So I do say this with love and compassion for the craziness you are having to deal with. Try to be as civil as possible. I'm sure it will come mostly from you. It will be worth it in the longrun. Love to you.

DefofLov

Is it him? Seems rare that someone's very first post would be this kind. *raised eyebrow*