Breakthrough, hope, and serenitiy
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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Breakthrough, hope, and serenitiy
Don't worry. In a month, I'll be back again, telling you my HP smacked me with a two-by-four over the head again, and telling you I'm realizing I'm still not done with this recovery thing and I'm reminded it's a live-long pursuit.
But just for today, I'm at peace.
I just spent some quality time with my extended family. Parents, aunts, uncles, cousins. I went back to where I came from, for the first time since I left AXH. It was revealing, painful, blasted with insights, and left me exhausted but calm and serene.
I could see where I got my Atlas complex (it is my responsibility that everyone around me is happy and content!). I could see where I got my perfectionism (always scrub the shower each time you take a shower so that it's glisteningly clean for the next person to use it!). And I could see it without judgment -- I could see that the need for controlling the environment and holding the world (mess, unruliness, anger) at bay that I grew up with has its roots in insecurity and fear of what may ensue if those things are not controlled.
I came away feeling like I understand now, and can move on.
I could see the broken and confused relationships, I could see the family secrets hidden and revealed and how they've complicated and hurt. I could see that there's a lot of love and that, at the end of the day, when you bury someone, all the secrets come out anyway and peace can be had over decades of fighting and anger.
I could also see how easy it is to slip back into the roles you've always had. And therefore, I'm happy to be back in my normalcy today, away from the family I love. Because I have balance and serenity here, and I can only maintain that for a limited time when I visit my very closely-knit birthfamily.
My point being?
I've spent plenty of time with them during my 20 years with AXH. But I never had the presence of mind, the presence centered within myself, to do anything but defend myself. I had no boundaries with them, and so everything they did and said hurt me to the core. Building boundaries with AXH has made it possible for me to define my perimeter, and so I function better in other (dysfunctional) relationships as well.
It's a good thing. And there's hope. If I can get out from under the mountain of pain piled on top of me for 20 years, anyone can do it. I promise.
But just for today, I'm at peace.
I just spent some quality time with my extended family. Parents, aunts, uncles, cousins. I went back to where I came from, for the first time since I left AXH. It was revealing, painful, blasted with insights, and left me exhausted but calm and serene.
I could see where I got my Atlas complex (it is my responsibility that everyone around me is happy and content!). I could see where I got my perfectionism (always scrub the shower each time you take a shower so that it's glisteningly clean for the next person to use it!). And I could see it without judgment -- I could see that the need for controlling the environment and holding the world (mess, unruliness, anger) at bay that I grew up with has its roots in insecurity and fear of what may ensue if those things are not controlled.
I came away feeling like I understand now, and can move on.
I could see the broken and confused relationships, I could see the family secrets hidden and revealed and how they've complicated and hurt. I could see that there's a lot of love and that, at the end of the day, when you bury someone, all the secrets come out anyway and peace can be had over decades of fighting and anger.
I could also see how easy it is to slip back into the roles you've always had. And therefore, I'm happy to be back in my normalcy today, away from the family I love. Because I have balance and serenity here, and I can only maintain that for a limited time when I visit my very closely-knit birthfamily.
My point being?
I've spent plenty of time with them during my 20 years with AXH. But I never had the presence of mind, the presence centered within myself, to do anything but defend myself. I had no boundaries with them, and so everything they did and said hurt me to the core. Building boundaries with AXH has made it possible for me to define my perimeter, and so I function better in other (dysfunctional) relationships as well.
It's a good thing. And there's hope. If I can get out from under the mountain of pain piled on top of me for 20 years, anyone can do it. I promise.
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