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doing the right thing hurts...

Old 06-17-2012, 11:52 PM
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doing the right thing hurts...

I finally told my separated AH today that we have to go No Contact. We share children so we have to speak minimally. We have a visitation schedule and financial arrangement so we don't really need to speak. I don't know why when I put the hammer down today, because it is the right choice, I feel so sad. Since he moved out 2 months ago, we have been a roller coaster of getting along, not getting along, hating, loving...bottom line is that we both need to work our recovery individually. He came today to pick up our daughter for Fathers Day he was hungover. I don't get it! I don't understand how he is living in a motel and choosing that kind of life. It is so hard because I have lost respect for the man I love. I have to start seeing him for the man he actually is instead of the man he has the potential to be. The first way, is detaching...no contact. I have to pretend he is dead. I miss him, everyday, everynight...but I don't want to be unhappy anymore.
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Old 06-17-2012, 11:56 PM
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Are you court ordered to give him visitation? Just curious for future reference. If AH and I separate, that is my biggest fear. I dont trust he would drive sober with DS. He has even picked him up from daycare drunk (I didnt know till after). I would be willing to not leave just to prevent this from happening.
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Old 06-17-2012, 11:57 PM
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wow,,hits home,,my wife left me 3 weeks ago, same type situation, we both need to help ourselves so maybe one day "we' can be a happy healthy couple...I feel your pain, she wont even speak to me...married 10 years, high school sweethearts, but drugs and alcohol has distorted and manipulated the relationship...Stay strong! and Gob Bless.
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Old 06-18-2012, 12:01 AM
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Jelly, we have no offiicial court order as of now. We just agreed on a visitation schedule for time being. He knows if I hear he is drinking with kids, he won't be taking again.

Josh, coincidence my husband and I have been great friends since 7th grade. He wasn't always a monster. He was my best friend. Alcoholism is definitely progressive because it gets worse as the years go on. Just self focus is important, good luck to you both.
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Old 06-18-2012, 12:08 AM
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Yes It hurts

Sometimes, the kind thing to do, runs contrary to what we've been told as kind. When we enable another through what we see as kindness to hurt themselves, endanger their own lives and others, it often doesn't allow them to see the consequences of their behavior. And the innocent get hurt again and again. I getting a masters degree in social work, with a counseling speciality. I am already learning as an intern how sometimes things in child hood will set a person up, but resilency is the unknown factor. The only good news is that this is a habit learned, and anything learned can be unlearned, reassessed and built into something good. The letting go part is so hard, I'm doing the same right now
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Old 06-18-2012, 12:08 AM
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I'm concerned about your little girl, SW. And her safety.

Have you read "Under the Influence"? I am pretty sure it describes the amount of time the alcohol stays in the system, and it's much longer than one would expect, and it can affect an alcoholic's driving the day after a drunk, if I remember correctly.

It's difficult to know when someone is intoxicated. The driver of the car Princess Diana died in years ago was drunk, but no one who had conversation with him before he got behind the wheel had any clue.

I know you are in so much emotional pain, and it's hard to take action right now.....but I suggest you pick up the book, get very educated about alcoholism, and then consider asking for only court ordered supervised visits in a legal separation, and no taking of the child in the car. I would not let this hang too long. If you are educated about the risks, you can be firm and clear when you approach a judge.

Too much at risk right now. I hope you can manage this.
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Old 06-18-2012, 12:11 AM
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Thankyou for the kind words, I want to focus on me but it seems near impossible without my sidekick with me,,,If only we could talk... yea I get a text every now and then, but I miss her voice, her gentle touch, and I could go on and on...I made the choice to allow alcohol to progress to this point, so I guess I must lay in the bed I made. She has no problems with alcohol, I put her through emotional hell and dont have a clue if she can be fixed. But I will trudge on and keep working my program and take it one day at a time, living in the moment and surely praying God's will be done. Once again Thank you!!!
Do you know of any good remedies for Insomnia? lol
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