My worse fears come true
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 237
My worse fears come true
I have received a letter today from my car insurance company (XABF is named driver on my policy and I've been trying to switch it over to him this week) telling me my XABF may be prosecuted for a DUI from this Sunday.
I feel sick. I don't know if there is a third party or what the situation is. I don't know if I am even liable. I knew it could get worse but I just didn't think it would happen this soon. What if he has injured someone or worse? He has never to my knowledge ever driven drunk but my imagination is running wild. I don't know if he will lose his job as a result of a conviction. I know he isn't my responsibility but before it was something I wouldn't know about, this is now my mess too as I didn't sort transfer the insurance over sooner.
I am due to meet him on Sat (assuming he turns up) to get his signature on stuff and ironically to discuss arrangements around the car. Did he really think I wouldn't find out?? I don't want to call him or text him in case he finds out I know and doesn't turn up as I need his signature on the other paperwork but also I need now to know details as my insurer has asked me to send details of the outcome of his hearing in June.
BEcause I hadn't been able to switch over the insurance in time, I am now dragged into this. I'm getting legal advice tomorrow but this is my worst nightmare. I don't know what else I can do.
I feel sick. I don't know if there is a third party or what the situation is. I don't know if I am even liable. I knew it could get worse but I just didn't think it would happen this soon. What if he has injured someone or worse? He has never to my knowledge ever driven drunk but my imagination is running wild. I don't know if he will lose his job as a result of a conviction. I know he isn't my responsibility but before it was something I wouldn't know about, this is now my mess too as I didn't sort transfer the insurance over sooner.
I am due to meet him on Sat (assuming he turns up) to get his signature on stuff and ironically to discuss arrangements around the car. Did he really think I wouldn't find out?? I don't want to call him or text him in case he finds out I know and doesn't turn up as I need his signature on the other paperwork but also I need now to know details as my insurer has asked me to send details of the outcome of his hearing in June.
BEcause I hadn't been able to switch over the insurance in time, I am now dragged into this. I'm getting legal advice tomorrow but this is my worst nightmare. I don't know what else I can do.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I think legal advice is wise and a good step to take. Meanwhile, try to remember to b-r-e-a-t-h-e. I know the feeling of wanting to know NOW so you can do something about it NOW, but in this case I think, you just have to wait and see how it shakes out.
A's really do have impeccable timing, don't they. /*sarcasm*
L
A's really do have impeccable timing, don't they. /*sarcasm*
L
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Yep that is one of the major issues with having a co policy with an addict and/or a boy/girl friend, the liability of DUI's and accidents rests on both policy holders. My step father got arrested for a DWI, he lost his license, my mothers insurance went up 200% and it cost them 5K in legal expenses. So, if the insurance company does not cancel you, you can be assured of a big rate hike.
I am sorry, however, there is a lesson to be learned from this experience. Don't panic as long as he hasn't run someone over it can be resolved.
Good idea to get some legal advice.
I am sorry, however, there is a lesson to be learned from this experience. Don't panic as long as he hasn't run someone over it can be resolved.
Good idea to get some legal advice.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Ugh!
Seconding LTD's advise for taking deep breaths to calm yourself.
You are okay.
You took steps to remove him from your home.
Good on You!
Keep doing the next right thing for you.
We are here supporting you along the way!
Seconding LTD's advise for taking deep breaths to calm yourself.
You are okay.
You took steps to remove him from your home.
Good on You!
Keep doing the next right thing for you.
We are here supporting you along the way!
Guest
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
Oh dear Anon.
What's done is done, so no point in stressing although difficult. Good to hear you are getting legal advice and I would go with that. Whatever else you need to have him sign off on get done on Sat. and be done with him. Please. He is going to take you down with him. He already has. May I also offer this to you...Forget about waiting a year to see if he straightens himself up. Move on. Dump him like yesterdays news.
Where is the car now? Who owns or leases the car? The lawyer will be able to tell you better than I can, but signing the insurance over to him at this point is likely a moot point. He isn't insurable at this time.
When do you see the Lawyer?
What's done is done, so no point in stressing although difficult. Good to hear you are getting legal advice and I would go with that. Whatever else you need to have him sign off on get done on Sat. and be done with him. Please. He is going to take you down with him. He already has. May I also offer this to you...Forget about waiting a year to see if he straightens himself up. Move on. Dump him like yesterdays news.
Where is the car now? Who owns or leases the car? The lawyer will be able to tell you better than I can, but signing the insurance over to him at this point is likely a moot point. He isn't insurable at this time.
When do you see the Lawyer?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Winchester, VA
Posts: 129
Personally I would get the legal advise as well as contact the insurance company and find out what police department the incident is filed with. You may be able to get a copy of the citation since it's your car and your insurance. Then ask him about it on Saturday AFTER he has signed whatever papers you need tohave signed.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 237
I am the registered keeper of the car but it's not that simple, that's why I was seeing a solicitor about drawing up an agreement that is now irrelevant . I'm not still looking into transferring insurance over to him - that was before I knew about a possible DUI.
The solicitor I saw has no experience of this side of UK law but my mum has access to a free legal helpline so my first action is to call the insurance company and find out what the situation as, what they know and what my liabilty is according to them before I get legal advice. I just hope I'm not liable for any costs other than my insurance going up. If I am, then I will need to consult a solicitor.
I had started this process last week and then he'd told me on Monday he'd had a tyre blow out and an accident but all was ok. I immediately called the insurance company to check what they knew and they mentioned a possible prosecution and then completely backtracked I immediately assumed the worst but when I asked them to explain what the knew, the woman on the phone said, 'no, my mistake, police attended but he wasn't breathalysed. he has notified us of the accident for our records'. I kept asking and she told me she had read the wrong thing. I was sceptical but then when I talked about transferring the policy to him, they said that was possible and put me through to their sales team! I was ready to do it but they asked for his bank details to set up payment which I'm pretty sure you can't do on behalf of someone else without their permission (fraud anyone??) so I said I would get his permission and call back. Now I get the letter... at the very least they have given me conflicting information which has not helped.
The strange thing about AX is I had said I wanted to cancel the insurance with him earlier this week and he had asked if we could discuss it on Sat as he might need to claim in relation to the accident. He must have realised that 1) I would find out about the prosecution and 2) he woudln't be able to claim anything if he is found guilty??
X says the car is in the garage being fixed (I hope it's not impounded) but I need to find out where it is, what state it is in and then sell it - I assume he can't drive while waiting for the court date. As much as I want to walk away from this (and I have been doing everything legally to try and get that in place), the letter from the insurance says I have to provide the information on the hearing which is in July, not June (my mistake) so I am further connected for another month at least. The very thing I have been desperately trying to avoid.
Thanks Thelma for suggestion re: police report - will call insurance company as soon as they open.
I am so relieved that he has moved out and at least I'm not dealing with this a few weeks back but I just wish someone up there would let me extricate myself with less pain and cost to me.
The solicitor I saw has no experience of this side of UK law but my mum has access to a free legal helpline so my first action is to call the insurance company and find out what the situation as, what they know and what my liabilty is according to them before I get legal advice. I just hope I'm not liable for any costs other than my insurance going up. If I am, then I will need to consult a solicitor.
I had started this process last week and then he'd told me on Monday he'd had a tyre blow out and an accident but all was ok. I immediately called the insurance company to check what they knew and they mentioned a possible prosecution and then completely backtracked I immediately assumed the worst but when I asked them to explain what the knew, the woman on the phone said, 'no, my mistake, police attended but he wasn't breathalysed. he has notified us of the accident for our records'. I kept asking and she told me she had read the wrong thing. I was sceptical but then when I talked about transferring the policy to him, they said that was possible and put me through to their sales team! I was ready to do it but they asked for his bank details to set up payment which I'm pretty sure you can't do on behalf of someone else without their permission (fraud anyone??) so I said I would get his permission and call back. Now I get the letter... at the very least they have given me conflicting information which has not helped.
The strange thing about AX is I had said I wanted to cancel the insurance with him earlier this week and he had asked if we could discuss it on Sat as he might need to claim in relation to the accident. He must have realised that 1) I would find out about the prosecution and 2) he woudln't be able to claim anything if he is found guilty??
X says the car is in the garage being fixed (I hope it's not impounded) but I need to find out where it is, what state it is in and then sell it - I assume he can't drive while waiting for the court date. As much as I want to walk away from this (and I have been doing everything legally to try and get that in place), the letter from the insurance says I have to provide the information on the hearing which is in July, not June (my mistake) so I am further connected for another month at least. The very thing I have been desperately trying to avoid.
Thanks Thelma for suggestion re: police report - will call insurance company as soon as they open.
I am so relieved that he has moved out and at least I'm not dealing with this a few weeks back but I just wish someone up there would let me extricate myself with less pain and cost to me.
Guest
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
I have no idea what the "legal keeper" of the car means, though you mention later that once you locate the car, you will sell it. You own the car?
When Insurance told you or wrote that you would have to provide the information re: the hearing, it doesn't mean that you are required to keep in touch with your Ex. When you get the letter with the date of the hearing, make a copy and send it to the Insurance company. Fax or email a copy to your Ex and request that he reply in receipt of the notification. Or, you could send the letter registered mail to your Ex and have him deal with the matter.
"I just wish someone up there would let me extricate myself with less pain and cost to me". That is 100% up to you Anon. Time now is of the essence before any further damage can be done to you financially or otherwise by him.
When Insurance told you or wrote that you would have to provide the information re: the hearing, it doesn't mean that you are required to keep in touch with your Ex. When you get the letter with the date of the hearing, make a copy and send it to the Insurance company. Fax or email a copy to your Ex and request that he reply in receipt of the notification. Or, you could send the letter registered mail to your Ex and have him deal with the matter.
"I just wish someone up there would let me extricate myself with less pain and cost to me". That is 100% up to you Anon. Time now is of the essence before any further damage can be done to you financially or otherwise by him.
Survivor
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
Anon,
You are so close to the finish line in terms of dealing with him. Remember the serenity pray.
"God, grant us the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
Now, it isn't about just knowing the prayer. Apply it to life. This prayer means you don't have to tackle everything at once. Deal with life in small pieces. In loving an alcoholic, we get uses to dealing with life in huge elephant size pieces. Through Al-Anon, we learn to break it down, starting with this prayer.
"Accept the things I cannot change."
Right now, that would be his alcoholism and him in general. The accident and dwi (or whatever happened) already happened. Can't change time. And the legal process. You have to do what you can in that regard each day
"The courage to change the things I can"
You've done a lot of work to accept and let go of him and his problems. Now when it comes to the legal issues, figure out what you need to do and when you've done whatever steps you need to take, release it to your HP or just focus on something else. Each day, you make whatever phone calls, or actions you need to deal with the situation. When you are done with your feeds regarding the legal stuff, take a deep breath and release the emotions and pain to your HP. You no longer have to carry this burden by yourself if you trust in whatever or whomever you understand to be God.
"The wisdoms to know the difference"
This is about application of the prayer. This is where we break life down and deal with it in smaller pieces. This is what keeps us in a serene mindstate. Applying the prayer by breaking life down, doing what we can, accepting what we can't do, and letting it go.
You are still on he right track and you will get through this.
Love,
Lily
You are so close to the finish line in terms of dealing with him. Remember the serenity pray.
"God, grant us the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
Now, it isn't about just knowing the prayer. Apply it to life. This prayer means you don't have to tackle everything at once. Deal with life in small pieces. In loving an alcoholic, we get uses to dealing with life in huge elephant size pieces. Through Al-Anon, we learn to break it down, starting with this prayer.
"Accept the things I cannot change."
Right now, that would be his alcoholism and him in general. The accident and dwi (or whatever happened) already happened. Can't change time. And the legal process. You have to do what you can in that regard each day
"The courage to change the things I can"
You've done a lot of work to accept and let go of him and his problems. Now when it comes to the legal issues, figure out what you need to do and when you've done whatever steps you need to take, release it to your HP or just focus on something else. Each day, you make whatever phone calls, or actions you need to deal with the situation. When you are done with your feeds regarding the legal stuff, take a deep breath and release the emotions and pain to your HP. You no longer have to carry this burden by yourself if you trust in whatever or whomever you understand to be God.
"The wisdoms to know the difference"
This is about application of the prayer. This is where we break life down and deal with it in smaller pieces. This is what keeps us in a serene mindstate. Applying the prayer by breaking life down, doing what we can, accepting what we can't do, and letting it go.
You are still on he right track and you will get through this.
Love,
Lily
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 237
Police won't give me the report but insurance company say no third party claim as yet - if there is, they will come after us for money. If no joy from x, then they'll come to me. Just hoping no third party involved.
I'm so angry he put me in this position and stunned he still hasn't said anything. I need to know where car is so I can take it back and try and get facts about accident, all after I get the signatures I need. I just hope he turns up sober.
Can't believe it has come to this. He's got the finger pressed on self destruct and doesn't care he is taking me down with him. He will still claim he us 'there for me' but he can't see he is the issue, he is the threat. Just so sad and twisted how we got here.
I'm so angry he put me in this position and stunned he still hasn't said anything. I need to know where car is so I can take it back and try and get facts about accident, all after I get the signatures I need. I just hope he turns up sober.
Can't believe it has come to this. He's got the finger pressed on self destruct and doesn't care he is taking me down with him. He will still claim he us 'there for me' but he can't see he is the issue, he is the threat. Just so sad and twisted how we got here.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Cornwall England
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by gerryP 
I have no idea what the "legal keeper" of the car means,
Originally Posted by gerryP
He isn't insurable at this time.
Wait what? So whoever has had a DUI is unable to get car insurance? Sorry for the dumb question.
in the UK when you are convicted of DUI they suspend your license and you have to apply for it back or resit your test but in the mean time you can not get insurance
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 237
I met up with XABF yesterday and was shocked at how shaken he appeared and not together at all. Not the confident guy who looked after himself. Don't know if it's the alcohol or risk of DUI or both. Maybe this is his rock bottom but I worry it's not.
It was an exhausting day. I got him to sign papers first and then told him i knew about the arrest and that he'd exposed me to huge risk. Still in denial, he didn't see it and swore he'd never do that etc. When I asked for facts of accident so I could establish if a third party, it didn't add up. Sounds like no third party but lots of gaps in information that I don't buy including inevitably that he is innocent.
As expected, when we were done, he told me he wanted me back and asked if he stopped drinking would I take him back. I tried to stay strong but was irritated and a little dumbfounded that he thought this was even an option. I told him I wasn't getting involved in discussing this as we had said our piece and finished our relationship with dignity a couple of weeks ago and it would be a shame to ruin that. He knew what my terms had been and his actions told me nothing had changed, in fact it was getting worse. He then asked me if it was because i was seeing someone else??? Oh My God. Still not able to see that alcohol has done this. It's not about someone else or anything else. Alcohol has ended his relationship, alcohol has got him arrested. I wanted to shake him.
Anyway, after being led a merry dance by him most of the afternoon, I took back the car. The sad thing is when he finally handed the keys over, he cut such a sad pitiful figure. He was crying and I just felt so sorry for him. I had to keep reminding myself he has done this to himself but I just don't recognise the man I fell in love with. His behaviour during the day irritated me, baffled me and at time was ridiculous but it just demonstrated how completely lost he is, how he is kidding himself, and I just find that very very sad. No one wins out of this, it just seems so pointless.
It was an exhausting day. I got him to sign papers first and then told him i knew about the arrest and that he'd exposed me to huge risk. Still in denial, he didn't see it and swore he'd never do that etc. When I asked for facts of accident so I could establish if a third party, it didn't add up. Sounds like no third party but lots of gaps in information that I don't buy including inevitably that he is innocent.
As expected, when we were done, he told me he wanted me back and asked if he stopped drinking would I take him back. I tried to stay strong but was irritated and a little dumbfounded that he thought this was even an option. I told him I wasn't getting involved in discussing this as we had said our piece and finished our relationship with dignity a couple of weeks ago and it would be a shame to ruin that. He knew what my terms had been and his actions told me nothing had changed, in fact it was getting worse. He then asked me if it was because i was seeing someone else??? Oh My God. Still not able to see that alcohol has done this. It's not about someone else or anything else. Alcohol has ended his relationship, alcohol has got him arrested. I wanted to shake him.
Anyway, after being led a merry dance by him most of the afternoon, I took back the car. The sad thing is when he finally handed the keys over, he cut such a sad pitiful figure. He was crying and I just felt so sorry for him. I had to keep reminding myself he has done this to himself but I just don't recognise the man I fell in love with. His behaviour during the day irritated me, baffled me and at time was ridiculous but it just demonstrated how completely lost he is, how he is kidding himself, and I just find that very very sad. No one wins out of this, it just seems so pointless.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
"No one wins out of this, it just seems so pointless."
Everything that relates to addiction, to me, is pointless. It's tenacles reach far and wide and affects everything and everyone it comes in contact with...sad...
Everything that relates to addiction, to me, is pointless. It's tenacles reach far and wide and affects everything and everyone it comes in contact with...sad...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 237
Originally Posted by dollydo
"No one wins out of this, it just seems so pointless."
Everything that relates to addiction, to me, is pointless. It's tenacles reach far and wide and affects everything and everyone it comes in contact with...sad...
Everything that relates to addiction, to me, is pointless. It's tenacles reach far and wide and affects everything and everyone it comes in contact with...sad...
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