JellyBean123

I have no idea how to handle my in-laws in reference to my AH. I used to feel "lucky" to have them and now I just wish they would stay away. My AH has always had a drinking problem, I understand he is an alcholic. MIL is in denial (IMO). She sees that he has always had a problem but chooses to blame it on his time served in Iraq. He has her manipulated. Everytime he starts one of his drinking bienges, if she (or most people) get involved in any way, he starts blaming being depressed about the things he did in Iraq. She then starts babying him and gets mad at me for being mad about his drinking. Most other people fall for it to but not like the in-laws do. I keep telling her that he had a problem BEFORE Iraq but... I feel like if I had their support we could get him into a program or something vs her caving everytime he gives her a sob story. Now dont get me wrong, I believe his time served was traumatic but I KNOW its not why he picks up the beer. In fact I believe being drunk sometimes makes him think of Iraq. Its not a problem till he is drunk, KWIM? She also thinks "1 beer" is ok despite that being what starts his bienges (DUH!!!!). I dont know what to do about her but she has to be apart of my sons life (their only grand child and likely will be their ONLY one) so I cant just get rid of her whether AH and I stay together or not.
Advice please!

Pelican

I could retire and live on an exotic island if I could write a book filled with the perfect order of words to bring people out of their personal denial.

Alas, I am still a hourly wage worker trying to make it one day at a time.

Your in-laws may be experiencing a personal denial about their loved ones addiction to alcohol. For some people denial is a way of self protection. Protecting themselves from a reality that is too painful to face at the present moment. Will they become strong enough to face the reality? Who knows......

I believe you are noticing a pattern of behavior in your AH that is true for some alcoholics. You are noticing that the drinking brings about difficult thoughts pertaining to Iraq. Alcohol is a depressant. Drinking alcohol may trigger depressed thinking in your AH.

I needed facts. Researching alcoholism helped me wrap my head around the condition. However, sharing my knowledge with others was not helpful - unless they were asking for advice. Sharing unsolicited information was usually met with defensive behaviors.

I learned to repeat the Serenity prayer when faced with that type of denial, and I like this version:

Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change (other people)
Courage to change the things I can (Me, Myself and I)
and Wisdom to know the difference

marie1960

Perhaps, the next time he goes on a binge, he should stay with his MOTHER, and leave you and the kids at home in peace and quiet.

We cannot control how others think, feel or react.

Personally, I never found an ounce of support from XA's family. They all wore rose colored glasses, and thought I was a bitch if I mentioned A had a problem. I learned it was best to leave them to their own devices. They were not supportive, and were actually part of the problem, as they continued to enable his choices.

Adventure

I could write a series of books on what AH has put me through over the last 5 years. My in-laws would feature almost constantly. You ask how you should handle your in-laws. Unfortunately, the simple answer is, you can't. I have had to learn this the hard way. My MIL is without doubt an A and a prescription drug addict. As a result, she is a poisonous, toxic *****. My FIL drinks daily with her too, although I personally believe he could stop in the morning, is just very much an "anything for a quiet life" type. My AH's siblings all have their own unconfessed issues with alcohol too.

I have had to tolerate years of denial and abuse from all my in-laws. They go from telling me I am the best thing that ever happened to my AH (because obviously they knew he was in bad shape before I even met him), to completely blaming me for his drinking (they don't call it alcoholism of course), despite the fact it is a learned behaviour from when he was a small child.

The other side of it is that I constantly have to remind myself that AH is a Master Manipulator. I have come to realise more and more that he feeds constant BS to his parents and his sister (his brother doesn't communicate with him) about how well he is doing, but also about me. They are his family, and of course they want to believe the best of him as it's too hurtful to think otherwise, so they fall for it every time. He has driven a wedge between us so many times since we met, as it is too scary for him to think that I would be telling his family about his real life, and not the fantasy one he portrays to them.

Blood is thicker than water - another old cliché - and no matter how many times our in-laws might see things they don't like, or worry about their son/brother, they will often support them, often to the A's detriment. Easier said than done, but try not to worry about your in-laws thoughts/feelings/opinions etc. I detached from mine a long time ago, and couldn't give two hoots what they think of me. I am terribly sad for my AH that they are not more supportive of him, but that is not my problem any more. They have been given the truth by me and others many times, but they choose to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Phew, that was more of a rant than expected - this is quite a raw topic for me at the moment in case you hadn't guessed.

Adventure

LifeRecovery

I was in denial about my loved ones drinking for a long time. I call it the "bandaid" of denial.

I had a good relationship with my ex-in-laws, but we disagreed about his use of alcohol when I finally came out of denial.

As I have gotten further from it I realize that their behavior and feelings are probably even more ingrained then mine about it. I was only in is life a quarter of the time frame that they were.

Addiction affects not only the drinker but at least four other people. It was a toxic situation for me and not just because of the addict.

I can love all of them from afar, I was angry for a long time about it, but have come to some peace with the whole situation.

I do best when I realize that detaching is not usually about the other person(s) and saying no to them....it is about saying yes to me.

JellyBean123

Do yall get along with them? Or have yall just stopped talking type of thing? What do you do if you have kids? I know my in-laws always go through him when it comes to DS despite my telling them to go through me (cause AH tends to not make actual plans and is not considerate of anyone else). I dont know if I should try to get along with them or pretend they dont exsist. Its funny cause everytime I tell MIL that he had a problem before, she gets pissed and turns it into "so its my fault". Well kinda, yes! (since I can say how I truly feel here) I am sorry but yall should have got him help when he was kicked out of school at 16 for being so drunk in class that he vomitted all over his desk then passed out in it!! If that isnt a wake up call then I dont know what is! They should have done more sooner! Ok now that I have that off my chest, lol, Back to the present situation.

Adventure

I don't like or get along with my in-laws at all. We tend to keep out of each other's way - she doesn't want to hear what I say, and vice versa, most of the time. We live about 100 yards from each other, but it's amazing how easy it is to minimise contact. It's made slightly easier that there are no children involved for us too in fairness. If we did have kids, I would make it my AH's business to ensure they got to see their grandparents when they wanted. (My BIL and his wife work this way and it works out best for everyone) If your AH's not bothered, it's his problem, not yours. They will try to make everything your problem - at the end of the day they are his parents, and if they are not willing to support you and their son, you owe them nothing. As you can see, I have a pretty simplistic view of all of this!!

Just curious, why do you end up discussing your AH with your in-laws at all? Do you bring the subject up, or does it come from them? I only ask because I have found that my attempts to "discuss" when I used to bother for the most part turned into blame games, so I stopped. Nothing good ever came of them except I would be angry and so would they. My in-laws have a lot to answer for with my AH's problems too. He saw daily drinking and drink driving and God knows what else, from when he was a toddler. He's an adult now so can make his own decisions, but learned behaviours are what they are. They were too consumed with their own alcoholism/addictions to ever bother noticing the road he was going down sadly.

Look after yourself and your kid(s). If they want a relationship with the grandkids that's fine, but just keep a polite distance. His family are exactly that, his family. I've read a lot about people setting boundaries. I don't see any reason why you can't do this with his mother. My boundary is pretty much no contact. You don't have to go to that extreme but have a line that you will not allow her to cross - for example unkind or accusatory talk in your home etc.

Hope this helps
Adventure

outtolunch

In other words, you feel like if you had their support you could manipulate him into some sort of treatment program, eh.

He's a grown man who served his country. If and when he wants to get sober, he will find his way and not a moment sooner. Rehab does not cure alcoholism. Best case, it can teach a highly motivated alcoholic some of the tools of recovery. It's up to the alcholic to use those tools, or not. And truth be told, most do not because they tend to land in these programs on court orders or because of family manipulation- not quite the same thing as knowing the next drink could be the last.

Generally speaking, active alcoholics and addicts are not competent parents.
They are not capable of putting the children, first. That leave you to protect them from that which none of you control.

Is it time to send him home to mama?

chronsweet

JellyBean,

I am going through the in-law problem currently. Mostly it is his mom who is his main enabler. I had one last talk with her just this last Thursday about what was going to happen (me leaving) because her son can't quit drinking. His family still has the 'hope' that they can love him to get him sober. Many people in his family have a drinking problem (including his mom I think, but she doesn't admit to that and it's really none of my business I have come to conclude). Anyhow, why do I feel the need to try to make them see my side of the equation, perhaps because we have been friends and family at an earlier point in time but ABF's drinking has really driven a wedge into that. Perhaps I had the last talk because I want his family to know that I still do care about them but have to do this for me. Mostly it is because my son (only 2) is the only grandchild of MIL and she really does love him. She visits from out of town nine times a year and always takes him to do fun stuff and is really positive with him.

I have told her this last talk which was mainly for my benefit that I am my son's mother and I will protect him and if she wants a positive relationship with her only grandson then she is going to have to respect me. Period. I will not be threatened with my own child. I told her that I couldn't understand why she would want her son (my ABF) to have half custody of a child that he has left home, unattended (while sleeping) to go get alcohol, who he has tried to drink and drive with and who is always intoxicated.

In my situation, I had to get this stuff off my chest to make amends before I do something that is going to affect everyone. My leaving ABF will affect many people and so I guess I wanted them to be prepared for it. I am just that kind of person I guess. I try to not care but it doesn't work for me. I have set boundaries since the conversation and refuse to talk about 'getting ABF help' anymore. I am done. I can't help. I never could and it was driving me nuts trying. I do slip from time to time with feeling bitter towards him but as my move-out date nears, I get more calm. Still scared to some degree but coming to acceptance with life on its terms.

Take care and do what you feel is best in your situation.

fourmaggie

are you going to AL ANON?....

worry about you...not them...

this still applys to family too
3S's
you did not create this
you can not control this
and there is no cure...

keep posting and reading literature...something will pop out at you to keep you moving forward

JellyBean123

No al anon. I did go for about a month a while back but I just can not get past the "it being a disease" to be honest. I see true diseases everyday and struggle myself with "diseases". They/we don't have a choice. And honestly, I myself feel like I may be an addict. As a teenager I had a major meth problem. My husband never left my side and he was the only mostly sober person I could count on (I feel like this is important). Even now I daily want SOMETHING but I do not because I know I have better things to do. I even went from doctor to doctor for over a year due to withdrawals. We didn't know that is what was happening because I was never honest about it but now being in medicine, that is exactly what it was.
I also felt like their main advice was denying me my emotions. I am upset that in a blink of an eye, my family could be turned up side down because of his actions but yet I am doing myself some disfavor by releasing said emotions?? That makes no sense to me. I may go again since so many people swear by it and I really didn't give it enough time but I have that block, KWIM? I stopped going because the time interfered with school at the time. Also, the meetings nearest me also had another lady that works with AH who attends and it would **** me off to no end to sit and listen to how hurt she was by her AH knowing she (on many occasions) has treated my AH to tons of alcohol because I wouldn't give him any money.
I guess more then anything, its hard for me to work around people dying of cancer all day (a real disease) then head on to a meeting where they are claiming someones bad discussions are as bad. smdh

JellyBean123

Basically, yes. Don't know till you try. I also don't see it as some type of "manipulation", just showing him a different way.

JellyBean123

He brings them into it usually. He gets drunk and calls them. It then becomes an entire night of BS. There have been times where I have called them asking to pick him up. If I have the kids and he has the vehicle with the car seats.... And I will not call my family to deal with his BS.

Adventure

OK, well that is different to my AH. Mine will avoid dragging his family into it at all costs and freaks out when I do - which of course I don't bother with any more.

I'm interested what you say about not calling your own family "to deal with his BS". Could you not call your own family to help you? In other words, if it all kicks off, could you go to them? Let him and his enabling family fight it out or whatever they want to do, and remove yourself from the situation? Doesn't have to be a big "I'm leaving you" deal, just remove yourself for a few hours until the pointless stuff is done with? Obviously I've no idea if they are nearby, or if they are aware of your AH's carry on, so this might not be an option for you.

It's a tough one, I really do feel for you. But, your well-being and the well-being of your son is the ONLY thing that matters here. Your MIL isn't too concerned about your feelings or your son's feelings being subjected to this kind of life, so for now I wouldn't be too concerned about hers towards your son.

Your addiction concerns are a while different ball-game and I imagine something you should be getting help for separrately but this I can't help with.

Al Anon has worked wonders for me, I can't descibe how I have changed in the 6 months since I started. If there is someone there who you have a huge problem with, is there a different meeting you can attend. Remember, regardless of the fact that this woman may have given alcohol to your AH, she did not force it down his throat. He is a grown man who makes his own choices. There is also a huge possibility that being an A, he manipulated some situations which led to this.

Please look after you and your child. Right now, nothing else matters.

Adventure

LifeRecovery

Al-Anon has not been all sunshine and roses for me.

I have a therapist who has a lot of experience in Al-Anon and the parts I am struggling with I bring to her to work on as an individual basis.

I have felt like squashing my emotions in Al-Anon is sometimes what is promoted. I asked about it here, talked with my therapist about it and finally offered it as a topic for an Al-Anon meeting. What a supportive, life-affirming meeting that was.

In actuality as I worked it what I discovered was how much what I take to be is the "rules" of Al-Anon reminds me of my childhood and I was having a reaction to that. That does not mean Al-Anon is perfect. It does mean though that I am responsible for my own recovery and looking at the why I am responding so strongly.

The parts of Al-Anon that I struggle with the most have been my biggest learning curves.

Many in the rooms of Al-Anon (in my experience) struggle with the disease model. That was a topic of discussion at one of the meetings when I started....I learned a lot in that meeting too. I also work in healthcare, but have struggled with my own addiction issues. In the last two years my view of all of that is shifted.

Mainly I am learning that I get to "Take what I like and leave the rest," but that often if I discuss it at a meeting I learn I am not the only one. It is nice to not feel so alone, and to realize that I am pretty "normal" in the realms of being in a relationship with addiction.

fourmaggie

ooh please everyone keep finding a new or go to more meetings....dont let the alcoholics drinking be stuck with the disease....that will come in time....

its all a pace in AL ANON....we all get it...when we get it...

please go back...any 12 step program helps...