Why is my newly sober husband mad at me?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 5
Why is my newly sober husband mad at me?
Hi Everyone:
This is only my second post here, I'm really glad I found this site. My husband has been sober just over two weeks. I went to Alanon for about 6 months before he decided to quit. He has been seeing an addiction counselor and went to our regular doctor before he quit and has been going to regular AA meetings since then.
All of the sudden for the last couple of days he has been very distant, quiet and downright rude to me and the kids (they're 18 and 20). He will barely even speak to me. He says he "doesn't want to talk" to me. I have really tried to be supportive to him but I don't understand what is going on here. Any thoughts or suggestions would be most welcome and appreciated!
Thanks,
Vicki
This is only my second post here, I'm really glad I found this site. My husband has been sober just over two weeks. I went to Alanon for about 6 months before he decided to quit. He has been seeing an addiction counselor and went to our regular doctor before he quit and has been going to regular AA meetings since then.
All of the sudden for the last couple of days he has been very distant, quiet and downright rude to me and the kids (they're 18 and 20). He will barely even speak to me. He says he "doesn't want to talk" to me. I have really tried to be supportive to him but I don't understand what is going on here. Any thoughts or suggestions would be most welcome and appreciated!
Thanks,
Vicki
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Southern Illinois
Posts: 174
Hello Vicki and welcome to the group. First, I want to say that I am glad that your husband took the step to get sober and I pray that he stays that way and continues to get help from AA meetings and from his addiction counselor. I do not have any experience with a recovering alcoholic as my husband is still actively drinking and waiting to be able to get into rehab. The way I see it though, I assume that your husband is trying to relearn how to live and act sober. Depression is a big factor for recovering alcoholics, so perhaps if he is not already on anti-depressants then he should talk to his doctor about getting put on them. I know this is hard on you, but try to just give him all the space he needs and request that your kids do the same. I am sure he will come around eventually. ((((((Hugs))))))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
My wife and I virtually didn't speak the first 5 months of her recovery/sobriety. It's fairly normal. This would be the "let go and let God" part of Alanon. It's tough not to take personally, but it's highly unlikely it's about you.
What he's doing right now is very, very, very hard, and only another alcoholic/addict can understand what he's feeling.
My normal response when wife was like that was to just keep on living my own life, and let her live hers. When she was ready to talk, she talked.
Frankly, the silence was a gift I wouldn't have minded keeping a little longer. Now she has opinions and things, and I have to actually consider them. Apparently we are a team and make decisions together. Dang it! I'm used to being a one-man show.
You take care and keep going to Alanon.
Cyranoak
What he's doing right now is very, very, very hard, and only another alcoholic/addict can understand what he's feeling.
My normal response when wife was like that was to just keep on living my own life, and let her live hers. When she was ready to talk, she talked.
Frankly, the silence was a gift I wouldn't have minded keeping a little longer. Now she has opinions and things, and I have to actually consider them. Apparently we are a team and make decisions together. Dang it! I'm used to being a one-man show.
You take care and keep going to Alanon.
Cyranoak
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
My RAH was sweet for 2 weeks, then absolutely horrible.
He kind of did not let up, but he was not in an active program.
This is probably his first stab at being in reality for awhile.
I have no advice but this:
Keep going to meetings and keep posting here.
Also, try very hard not to take too much too seriously.
He will probably swing around in mood for a bit. You dont need to go on every swell and dip with him.
He kind of did not let up, but he was not in an active program.
This is probably his first stab at being in reality for awhile.
I have no advice but this:
Keep going to meetings and keep posting here.
Also, try very hard not to take too much too seriously.
He will probably swing around in mood for a bit. You dont need to go on every swell and dip with him.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. You will find support and information here.
I found the information I needed about alcoholism and how it affects every part of the body/brain by reading "Under The Influence". Here is a link that contains excerpts from the book:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
Your husbands body is still in early stages of withdrawal.
I am a recovering alcoholic, as well as a recovering ex-spouse to an alcoholic.
In my personal recovery from alcohol, my first 30+ days were as if I was walking around in a fog. My brain was cloudy and I couldn't focus. It took time for my body/brain to adjust to living without a daily dose of alcohol. It takes more than 30 days for the body to begin to physically recover from alcohol addiction.
Right now, your husbands body/brain thinks he is on a bad vacation and forgot to pack the alcohol. It will take time, energy, time and more energy before his body begins to recover from the abuse.
Wishing you both a healthy recovery.
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. You will find support and information here.
I found the information I needed about alcoholism and how it affects every part of the body/brain by reading "Under The Influence". Here is a link that contains excerpts from the book:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
Your husbands body is still in early stages of withdrawal.
I am a recovering alcoholic, as well as a recovering ex-spouse to an alcoholic.
In my personal recovery from alcohol, my first 30+ days were as if I was walking around in a fog. My brain was cloudy and I couldn't focus. It took time for my body/brain to adjust to living without a daily dose of alcohol. It takes more than 30 days for the body to begin to physically recover from alcohol addiction.
Right now, your husbands body/brain thinks he is on a bad vacation and forgot to pack the alcohol. It will take time, energy, time and more energy before his body begins to recover from the abuse.
Wishing you both a healthy recovery.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Sounds like life with a sober alcoholic. It's too bad that they think the world owes them a pity party when they stop drinking and want to try and bring others down with them as they mope. Don't let him suck you in.
My H has had periods of sobriety and within a week or two he goes from being tolerable and acting like a "normal" human being to being a whiny, mopey, mood swinging jacka$$ (sorry if that sounds harsh but it's what it is).
I guess my sympathy for what the recovering A is going through is pretty minimal at this point. I am guessing that while he was drinking he wasn't concerned about how his antics impacted you and your kids and now he's sober and he's still self absorbed, just sober.
You're a stronger woman than me if you're able to stay under the same roof with him while he mopes and gives you the silent treatment. I find it too hard to not let it get to me if my H is around and acting like a petulant teenager. If you find it too tough to stomach there's no shame in asking him to go elsewhere or going elsewhere yourself if you have a place to go so that you can focus on you.
Going to al anon is always helpful for me, as is talking to people on here...
Hang in there...
My H has had periods of sobriety and within a week or two he goes from being tolerable and acting like a "normal" human being to being a whiny, mopey, mood swinging jacka$$ (sorry if that sounds harsh but it's what it is).
I guess my sympathy for what the recovering A is going through is pretty minimal at this point. I am guessing that while he was drinking he wasn't concerned about how his antics impacted you and your kids and now he's sober and he's still self absorbed, just sober.
You're a stronger woman than me if you're able to stay under the same roof with him while he mopes and gives you the silent treatment. I find it too hard to not let it get to me if my H is around and acting like a petulant teenager. If you find it too tough to stomach there's no shame in asking him to go elsewhere or going elsewhere yourself if you have a place to go so that you can focus on you.
Going to al anon is always helpful for me, as is talking to people on here...
Hang in there...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 5
Thanks to all for your responses. I feel a bit better knowing that his behavior is normal. I have a lot going on myself right now, working towards an RN degree and working so I certainly don't lack in things to keep me busy. He kind of reminds me of how my kids acted when they were young teenagers...mopey and moody. I try to keep telling myself that it's his problem not mine but it's hard on the kids to try and understand why he is being such a jerk to them. I am trying to tell them to give him space, but it's hard when he's acting like that. Tomorrow is my daughter's 20th birthday and we are supposed to go out to dinner. She was saying that she hopes he doesn't ruin her birthday by being nasty and sulky but I really don't know what to tell her.
Thanks again for all your support. This already feels like an extension of my Alanon family!
Thanks again for all your support. This already feels like an extension of my Alanon family!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: MA
Posts: 2
I am so glad to have read this and to know that I am not alone in this. On Feb 5 I spent the afternoon in the hospital with my husband who decided he needed help with his acohol addiction!
THe first few weeks he was ok. He did seek a counselor and went to a meeting and then I asked if he had another meeting he did not want to talk about it.....All of a sudden a week and a half ago my husband shut down on me. He is not talking to me, he is sleeping on the couch will not eat meals with us. We have a 5 year old child and he will interact with him.
Someone stated that he is probably not able to fulfill his brain with alcohol and is wondering why he deserves a good wife in his life. I told him this morning I married him for better or for worse and I am here to support him....His reaction was you want to support me...get your stuff out of this house and support yourself......
He used to call my son at night (he works nite shift) to say good night as of last Monday he does not do it now......
I think I am at the point I need to go to alanon.....I do not know if I can go 5-6 months of this.....Should I just ignore him or kill him with kindness???
THe first few weeks he was ok. He did seek a counselor and went to a meeting and then I asked if he had another meeting he did not want to talk about it.....All of a sudden a week and a half ago my husband shut down on me. He is not talking to me, he is sleeping on the couch will not eat meals with us. We have a 5 year old child and he will interact with him.
Someone stated that he is probably not able to fulfill his brain with alcohol and is wondering why he deserves a good wife in his life. I told him this morning I married him for better or for worse and I am here to support him....His reaction was you want to support me...get your stuff out of this house and support yourself......
He used to call my son at night (he works nite shift) to say good night as of last Monday he does not do it now......
I think I am at the point I need to go to alanon.....I do not know if I can go 5-6 months of this.....Should I just ignore him or kill him with kindness???
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome, rundmc (the coolest rap group ever!)
Early recovery is very hard for our A's. I would suggest continuing Al-Anon and working on a thick skin. There is so much in those early months I had to let go of...the roller coaster emotions, the anger. Leave him be. Don't even try to interact. Let him sort through it all by himself. He is the one who has to learn the new coping skills, not you.
I hope you'll start a new thread on this topic - you can do that from the top of our page (new thread button). I think you'll get lots of great feedback from folks here today.
Take good care,
~T
Early recovery is very hard for our A's. I would suggest continuing Al-Anon and working on a thick skin. There is so much in those early months I had to let go of...the roller coaster emotions, the anger. Leave him be. Don't even try to interact. Let him sort through it all by himself. He is the one who has to learn the new coping skills, not you.
I hope you'll start a new thread on this topic - you can do that from the top of our page (new thread button). I think you'll get lots of great feedback from folks here today.
Take good care,
~T
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 183
It will be a roller coaster of emotions for you both. My husband's mood swings were horrible for the first 3 or so months of his recovery, and it took at least 6 for him to start to settle into a new normal. Honestly, those early days were harder for me in a sense because I knew how he was drunk and how to handle things then suddenly life was unpredictable. I didn't expect that.
Hang in there and take care of YOU.
Hang in there and take care of YOU.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Two weeks is very early recovery, a time of wildly swinging emotions as the alcoholic detoxes and tries to get comfortable in his new skin. Maybe after six months he will stabilize. The less you can get involved in his struggle to get and stay sober the better it is for both of you. This is a difficult path and he must walk it alone (until he gets a sponsor).
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: MA
Posts: 2
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl 
Welcome, rundmc (the coolest rap group ever!)
Early recovery is very hard for our A's. I would suggest continuing Al-Anon and working on a thick skin. There is so much in those early months I had to let go of...the roller coaster emotions, the anger. Leave him be. Don't even try to interact. Let him sort through it all by himself. He is the one who has to learn the new coping skills, not you.
I hope you'll start a new thread on this topic - you can do that from the top of our page (new thread button). I think you'll get lots of great feedback from folks here today.
Take good care,
~T
Early recovery is very hard for our A's. I would suggest continuing Al-Anon and working on a thick skin. There is so much in those early months I had to let go of...the roller coaster emotions, the anger. Leave him be. Don't even try to interact. Let him sort through it all by himself. He is the one who has to learn the new coping skills, not you.
I hope you'll start a new thread on this topic - you can do that from the top of our page (new thread button). I think you'll get lots of great feedback from folks here today.
Take good care,
~T
What I am hearing from you all is that just keep the silence?
I wanted to start a new thread as you all had suggested, but I do not have a new thread button at the top? Do I have to post so much before being able to create a new thread?
Thank you all so much!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Central Texas
Posts: 223
Hi rundmc,
I feel for the confusion you must be feeling. I'm starting out and I can get so irritable at my husband. It's not fair. Sometimes we have a legitimate argument, other times I just want to be alone. It is getting better now, we have managed to work around emotional and physical space issues.
There may be absolutely no rhyme or reason to his feelings and thoughts in this early stage. I remember feeling that way too right at 2 weeks. Take care of yourself, let the storm pass, and then maybe assess if there is damage to be repaired.
Best wishes. I know I couldn't do this without my spouse.
I feel for the confusion you must be feeling. I'm starting out and I can get so irritable at my husband. It's not fair. Sometimes we have a legitimate argument, other times I just want to be alone. It is getting better now, we have managed to work around emotional and physical space issues.
There may be absolutely no rhyme or reason to his feelings and thoughts in this early stage. I remember feeling that way too right at 2 weeks. Take care of yourself, let the storm pass, and then maybe assess if there is damage to be repaired.
Best wishes. I know I couldn't do this without my spouse.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by Dazee
There may be absolutely no rhyme or reason to his feelings and thoughts in this early stage. I remember feeling that way too right at 2 weeks. Take care of yourself, let the storm pass, and then maybe assess if there is damage to be repaired.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: West Sacramento, CA
Posts: 5
My husband is newly sober too
I can totally relate, this is my first post . . a week ago I had my husband arrested, the best thing I ever did, he hit bottom, quit drinking after 35 years . . yes 35 years, and joined AA last night - mood swings seem to be the biggest issue with him; I'm shocked that he's had no detox symptoms at least not that I'm aware of . . he was very angry at me last week; but now I think he knows that I did what I did because I love him . . I think cranky is part of the recovery and it's hard to not take it personally, but you can't because not drinking and recovering is on them not you . . just be supportive and give them space . . I agree 100% . . Good luck to all of us . . 
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Winchester, VA
Posts: 129
I don't know about the sober part because my AH isn't there yet, but I can tell you when he went off his meds for anxiety and depression and continued to drink he was angry, mean and nasty for about a month. I wonder if it's another sigh of the body detoxing? Another thought is that the chemicals from meds and /or alcohol are no longer there and they get slammed in the face with reality and don't know how to handle it with anything but anger. I hope things get better for you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 88
Newly sober or whether they've been sober a long time, spouses need Al anon.
I really, really wish that I started going when my husband first got sober. I'm trying to not look back with regret, but wish I had gone.
bring tissues
I really, really wish that I started going when my husband first got sober. I'm trying to not look back with regret, but wish I had gone.
bring tissues
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