Please Help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 88
I'm so sorry to you both that you have felt this pain. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
Day 3 - I have an appointment at my bank to discuss getting a mortgage. One of my goals was always to own my own home, I'm going to see what I can do to achieve that goal. This afternoon I'm getting my hair done. No idea what I'm doing, I just want something different.
I talked to my mum for a while last night and she cried thinking of the pain I'm going through. She was married to an alcoholic from when she was a teenager until his death. When I told her that things just weren't supposed to be like this, that's when she started to cry.
I'm trying, rather than dwell on all of the awful stuff going on, I'm going to focus on the amazing things in my life. I'll try not to get down on myself when I have a bad day or a bad moment.
When we talked the other night, he said that I need to deal with my issues and should be going to alanon. Agreed! I'm angry that I put up with so much crap and when I finally couldn't take anymore, I told him so, and he went into recovery. Not that I take responsibility for him going, but I created his bottom. I'm angry that he wasn't willing to do the same for me. If my lack of recovery from the sickness of being the daughter of an alcoholic and being the wife of an alcoholic/addict is part of why he left, then I'm angry that he isn't giving me the same opportunity for recovery that I gave him.
Reading things in these forums is making me feel better knowing that other people have gone through similar things. It gives me hope. Not just hope that he will come back, but hope that even if he doesn't I'll be ok.
Day 3 - I have an appointment at my bank to discuss getting a mortgage. One of my goals was always to own my own home, I'm going to see what I can do to achieve that goal. This afternoon I'm getting my hair done. No idea what I'm doing, I just want something different.
I talked to my mum for a while last night and she cried thinking of the pain I'm going through. She was married to an alcoholic from when she was a teenager until his death. When I told her that things just weren't supposed to be like this, that's when she started to cry.
I'm trying, rather than dwell on all of the awful stuff going on, I'm going to focus on the amazing things in my life. I'll try not to get down on myself when I have a bad day or a bad moment.
When we talked the other night, he said that I need to deal with my issues and should be going to alanon. Agreed! I'm angry that I put up with so much crap and when I finally couldn't take anymore, I told him so, and he went into recovery. Not that I take responsibility for him going, but I created his bottom. I'm angry that he wasn't willing to do the same for me. If my lack of recovery from the sickness of being the daughter of an alcoholic and being the wife of an alcoholic/addict is part of why he left, then I'm angry that he isn't giving me the same opportunity for recovery that I gave him.
Reading things in these forums is making me feel better knowing that other people have gone through similar things. It gives me hope. Not just hope that he will come back, but hope that even if he doesn't I'll be ok.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
Dear Painfully:
I'm sorry for what you are going through and I hope that you find experience, strength, and hope on SoberRecovery.
I was able to relate to your post. Prior to getting married I was in a number of relationships that ended with me feeling abandoned and betrayed. I have made crazy late night phone calls and have showed up at a boyfriend's door demanding that he talk to me NOW.
Have you ever attended Al-Anon meetings? Alcoholism affects the entire family and the dysfunctional ways that we learn to interact with each other continue even when the alcoholic stops drinking or when we stop living with them. My father was the alcoholic in my life and I know that our family (including me) continued to be chaotic even after my parents divorced.
I do think that the way your husband choose to leave shows poor character. I personally would not want to be with someone who treated me and my children this way.
I think it's your time to focus on yourself and work on becoming the healthiest that YOU can for you and your children.
The last bad relationship I was in was what got me into therapy. It took awhile, but I no longer look at him as being yet one more person who disappointed me. I look at our relationship as two injured people who got together because we "fit" in our hurt places. Our relationship couldn't last because staying together would have kept us sick. Not sure if this makes sense.
I hope that this is the beginning of a brand new wonderful life for you. I love that you went out to get your hair done! I would concentrate on doing more things like this! :-)
Sending you strength.
db
I'm sorry for what you are going through and I hope that you find experience, strength, and hope on SoberRecovery.
I was able to relate to your post. Prior to getting married I was in a number of relationships that ended with me feeling abandoned and betrayed. I have made crazy late night phone calls and have showed up at a boyfriend's door demanding that he talk to me NOW.
Have you ever attended Al-Anon meetings? Alcoholism affects the entire family and the dysfunctional ways that we learn to interact with each other continue even when the alcoholic stops drinking or when we stop living with them. My father was the alcoholic in my life and I know that our family (including me) continued to be chaotic even after my parents divorced.
I do think that the way your husband choose to leave shows poor character. I personally would not want to be with someone who treated me and my children this way.
I think it's your time to focus on yourself and work on becoming the healthiest that YOU can for you and your children.
The last bad relationship I was in was what got me into therapy. It took awhile, but I no longer look at him as being yet one more person who disappointed me. I look at our relationship as two injured people who got together because we "fit" in our hurt places. Our relationship couldn't last because staying together would have kept us sick. Not sure if this makes sense.
I hope that this is the beginning of a brand new wonderful life for you. I love that you went out to get your hair done! I would concentrate on doing more things like this! :-)
Sending you strength.
db
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 88
Thank you dbh 
I'm heading to an Al-anon meeting tonight. I had the alcoholic father AND the alcoholic/crack addict husband. I'm seeing a therapist this coming thursday. I find it strange and astonishing that this drama in my life feels right(?), comfortable(?), not sure I can come up with the proper word for it.
Has anyone else experienced that? when things are drama/trauma free, it feels weird and foreign, when my life is turned upside down, it feels... like home.
I'm frightened about going to this meeting tonight. New people, new voices, will I break down? will I avoid contact with everyone? what if someone tries to hug me? will I stiffen and make them think I'm mean?
ridiculous thoughts
I'm heading to an Al-anon meeting tonight. I had the alcoholic father AND the alcoholic/crack addict husband. I'm seeing a therapist this coming thursday. I find it strange and astonishing that this drama in my life feels right(?), comfortable(?), not sure I can come up with the proper word for it.
Has anyone else experienced that? when things are drama/trauma free, it feels weird and foreign, when my life is turned upside down, it feels... like home.
I'm frightened about going to this meeting tonight. New people, new voices, will I break down? will I avoid contact with everyone? what if someone tries to hug me? will I stiffen and make them think I'm mean?
ridiculous thoughts
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3
Painfully, first I want to say that I am so sorry that you are going through this! Anvilhead is right, there is a reason that there are plenty of Kleenex at the meetings. And you know what, everyone there has been there done that and you will find comfort in knowing that you are not alone. Don't feel like you have to talk. You will when you are ready. I, just recently, found the strength to talk......but it was after the meeting and with just one person. Baby steps! It took me 4 weeks to open up.
Also, drama is all we have known. I seem to create drama when there is none just because it feels normal. I have a long way to go too!
Best of luck to you tonight! :ghug3
Also, drama is all we have known. I seem to create drama when there is none just because it feels normal. I have a long way to go too!
Best of luck to you tonight! :ghug3
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
(((((painfully)))))
I hope you were able to make that meeting!!!
Even though I was 3 years sober and use to meetings (AA) and sharing in meetings, my first Alanon meeting, I bawled like a baby and did so for 2 more meetings before I was even able to even say my name. And, YES they do keep a stock of Kleenex on hand. Just like here, you will be in a safe place.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care si very nuch.
Love and hugs,
I hope you were able to make that meeting!!!
Even though I was 3 years sober and use to meetings (AA) and sharing in meetings, my first Alanon meeting, I bawled like a baby and did so for 2 more meetings before I was even able to even say my name. And, YES they do keep a stock of Kleenex on hand. Just like here, you will be in a safe place.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care si very nuch.
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 88
There was a conference going on and many of the regulars were at the conference. Only about 10 of us at the meeting. Someone greeted me right away and asked if it was my first meeting, as I said that it was my first in 5 years, I started to cry. She brought me a newcomer package and then stuffed kleenex into my purse.
After the meeting she came over again and wrote her name and number down on my package. She said she would be happy to go to meetings with me, go for coffee, just talk or nothing, choice is mine. she asked me to please come again next week. She is the exact same age as me and her husband left her in October.
I was blown away that I would meet someone so fast who shared something so similar to my situation.
Everyone was very kind, i'm so glad that I went. and yes, I'll keep going back.
After the meeting she came over again and wrote her name and number down on my package. She said she would be happy to go to meetings with me, go for coffee, just talk or nothing, choice is mine. she asked me to please come again next week. She is the exact same age as me and her husband left her in October.
I was blown away that I would meet someone so fast who shared something so similar to my situation.
Everyone was very kind, i'm so glad that I went. and yes, I'll keep going back.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by painfully 
My husband and I have been married for 18 years. He has been sober for 5. There were many turbulent years leading up to his going to treatment. However, his recovery seemed to be working wonderfully, he has embraced AA, attends regular meetings and seemed truly at peace. I found a new hope for the future. I have never felt so calm about the present and excited for the future in my entire life.
A little more than one month ago, he called me at work and asked me to meet him on my way home. I met him in a parking lot of a coffee shop. He told me that he was unhappy and was leaving me. He had a bag packed and hasn't stayed at home since. He would give me no answers as to why he was unhappy, just that we want different things.
I can't describe the devastation that I felt.
He told me that he was staying with AA friends and that he is moving into his new apartment on July 1.
Last weekend he took our son to church and then came by the house for a while. I asked him what furniture he wanted for his new apartment. He said that he doesn't need any, that Laura is moving into a much smaller home and will be giving him some furniture. I asked who Laura is, and he said his roommate.
I suggested that we go have a coffee because I really didn't want to get into a discussion like that in front of my son. We went out and I asked again who Laura is, he said his roommate and that her and her husband split up a few months ago. It felt like a thunderbolt. I asked him if he was dating her and he said they are just friends and it wouldn't be right because they're both newly out of marriages. I asked him if I should be prepared for them to be dating in the future and he said "who knows what the future might bring, but we're very fond of each other."
He met her in AA.
Wednesday evening he admitted that they are dating but they don't want to tell people until he moves into his apartment and isn't sleeping on her couch. She's closer in age to our daughter than to me and he claims he is in love with her. Actually, he didn't say he was in love with her, but when I asked if he was, he refused to answer.
I am overcome with grief. He has admitted that he made a mistake in not discussing his unhappiness with me prior to leaving, he also said that he should have found somewhere else to go rather than sleeping on her couch.
I'm having such a hard time dealing with this. I'm so angry and hurt. I can't imagine how either of them are going to be able to live with this.
I love my husband very much and was just feeling safe and secure in our relationship and in my life. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid he'll never change his mind and in some ways I'm afraid that he might.
I feel so sad and alone, hurt and betrayed, I don't know what to do.
A little more than one month ago, he called me at work and asked me to meet him on my way home. I met him in a parking lot of a coffee shop. He told me that he was unhappy and was leaving me. He had a bag packed and hasn't stayed at home since. He would give me no answers as to why he was unhappy, just that we want different things.
I can't describe the devastation that I felt.
He told me that he was staying with AA friends and that he is moving into his new apartment on July 1.
Last weekend he took our son to church and then came by the house for a while. I asked him what furniture he wanted for his new apartment. He said that he doesn't need any, that Laura is moving into a much smaller home and will be giving him some furniture. I asked who Laura is, and he said his roommate.
I suggested that we go have a coffee because I really didn't want to get into a discussion like that in front of my son. We went out and I asked again who Laura is, he said his roommate and that her and her husband split up a few months ago. It felt like a thunderbolt. I asked him if he was dating her and he said they are just friends and it wouldn't be right because they're both newly out of marriages. I asked him if I should be prepared for them to be dating in the future and he said "who knows what the future might bring, but we're very fond of each other."
He met her in AA.
Wednesday evening he admitted that they are dating but they don't want to tell people until he moves into his apartment and isn't sleeping on her couch. She's closer in age to our daughter than to me and he claims he is in love with her. Actually, he didn't say he was in love with her, but when I asked if he was, he refused to answer.
I am overcome with grief. He has admitted that he made a mistake in not discussing his unhappiness with me prior to leaving, he also said that he should have found somewhere else to go rather than sleeping on her couch.
I'm having such a hard time dealing with this. I'm so angry and hurt. I can't imagine how either of them are going to be able to live with this.
I love my husband very much and was just feeling safe and secure in our relationship and in my life. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid he'll never change his mind and in some ways I'm afraid that he might.
I feel so sad and alone, hurt and betrayed, I don't know what to do.
My ex only "dated" women he met in AA after I left him and was also "seeing" women in AA when I was with him (found this out only after i left)
In many cases and in many meetings, AA is a pick up joint, and I know I'll get slack for this, but facts are facts. I've not been to an AA meeting where I was not hit on.
In my ex's home group and other groups, everyone in these groups were having sex like teens and or inter-dating.
Sick people relate best to sick people. They feel accepted.
ugh...makes me sick
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
To add like others said here, you can truly never trust an addict (recovered or not), they are wired for shame therefore lie about everything.
My ex only started his madness when he became sober. When he was drinking, our relationship was not nuts.
My ex's constant womanizing was also a replacement for his not drinking. It's called "switching seats on the titanic"
I'm so sorry you're going through this, It was only 2 yrs ago for me and the pain is still very real. I've been in al anon 3 yrs and therapy here and there.
hug
My ex only started his madness when he became sober. When he was drinking, our relationship was not nuts.
My ex's constant womanizing was also a replacement for his not drinking. It's called "switching seats on the titanic"
I'm so sorry you're going through this, It was only 2 yrs ago for me and the pain is still very real. I've been in al anon 3 yrs and therapy here and there.
hug
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: minnesota
Posts: 272
First i want to say that i am sorry that you are in pain. i understand. i was left by my partner of 12 years about 10 years ago. i was a heap. please know that you will get through this. there will be a day that you will look back at this time and realize that it was all part of your plan, and how you deal with the right now is important. if i had any words of advice it would be to try to maintain your dignity and character while you deal with him. there will be a day when he realizes what and who he left. it happens ALL the time. and who and what is this woman getting? she's getting a "leaver" what a way to start a relationship. i care about you, we all do. it's gonna be OK.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
