Please Help

Old 06-11-2012, 01:52 AM
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The chaos of active addiction and the chaos of an affair and the ending of a marriage felt very similar to me (regardless of if they were related or not).

Al-anon, therapy and reading about addiction and affairs helped. I did not except Al-anon to help with the affair (because that is not the focus of it), but it really did....especially learning about detachment.

Sending kind thoughts to you.
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Old 06-11-2012, 03:27 AM
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I do need to learn some detachment skills and so many other skills. I am going to call my EAP today and try to get hooked up with a counsellor.

Again, thanks to all for your support. I want more than anything to get through this with my dignity and self respect and to get my children through it as unscathed as possible.
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Old 06-11-2012, 04:29 AM
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Hi Painfully,

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. I have recently severed my relationship with my A and he now is in a year long residential treatment center and is Mr. Wonderful... so sweet and loving.

I have zero interest in contemplating a future with my XA even though I "love" (lots of chemicals, hormone action along with we truly enjoy each others company and personality).... but....

You can NEVER, NEVER trust an A completely... drinking or not. They can revert to that sneaky, dishonest, selfish persona character defect if the situation were compelling enough to them.

WHY you XA has chosen to be a slimy sneaky louse even though he allegedly practices the 12 steps that are based on integrity and unselfishness tells you that he is either dishonest in his recovery or he is simply a creep.

Do you want to spend your life with either of those scenarios? I am so angry FOR YOU I would like to track him down myself.... grrrrr. He didn't even have the common decency to get a room or apartment by himself... most creeps would have at least tried to make a show of not having busted up two marriages with their selfishness.

Attraction is one thing and I love the fireworks but love ... true love... is based on character and trust. Your husband has callously stabbed you in the back like you mean nothing to him after the sacrifices of standing by him in the worst of times.

I know you feel such enormous pain at this betrayal... but I hope you get angry soon as it can be a healing emotion. Know this... we your family at SR are very, very angry for you!

Make sure you find a counselor that is well versed in both addiction and codependency. Find an alanon meeting... and plan some fun things with your kids and without them. TAke care of you.
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Old 06-11-2012, 05:19 AM
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There are two mantras that helped me when I was in a similar situation:

1) IT DOESN'T MATTER 'WHY'. You can ask this question all day long, you can get "answers" all day long, too. But in the end none of them will make you FEEL better. ACCEPTANCE is the thing that will heal your soul and heart most quickly. It is what it is, now what? How will I take care of ME? (Start with hiring a **** good lawyer.)

2) KARMA IS A BITCH. When your anger is seething and the bitterness kicks in (and it will) hand it over to God and trust that All Is Well. These affairs rarely work out and I'd bet my bottom dollar that, in time, he'll be miserable. Hopefully by that time you will have re-built your life, healed your heart, and have recognized long ago that he did you a big freaking favor.

You WILL get through it....one step at a time. But please don't let this affair define you or cause you to harden your heart to your own detriment.

And for Pete's sake, stop talking to him about anything. (Come to a quick agreement about visitation with the kids and then communicate ONLY about the kids and ONLY by email.) Whatever he says will only hurt and confuse you more. Focus on therapy for you and your kids -- you all need it.

I'm so sorry.
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Old 06-11-2012, 05:31 AM
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Originally Posted by tjp613 View Post
There are two mantras that helped me when I was in a similar situation:

1) IT DOESN'T MATTER 'WHY'. You can ask this question all day long, you can get "answers" all day long, too. But in the end none of them will make you FEEL better. ACCEPTANCE is the thing that will heal your soul and heart most quickly. It is what it is, now what? How will I take care of ME? (Start with hiring a **** good lawyer.)

2) KARMA IS A BITCH. When your anger is seething and the bitterness kicks in (and it will) hand it over to God and trust that All Is Well. These affairs rarely work out and I'd bet my bottom dollar that, in time, he'll be miserable. Hopefully by that time you will have re-built your life, healed your heart, and have recognized long ago that he did you a big freaking favor.

You WILL get through it....one step at a time. But please don't let this affair define you or cause you to harden your heart to your own detriment.

And for Pete's sake, stop talking to him about anything. (Come to a quick agreement about visitation with the kids and then communicate ONLY about the kids and ONLY by email.) Whatever he says will only hurt and confuse you more. Focus on therapy for you and your kids -- you all need it.

I'm so sorry.
^^^^^^^^This!!!

Go No Contact! And by the way... a counselor would advise that his immediately moving in with another woman is NOT good for his child. It won't look good for him if you end up in court. Get temp support and visitation agreed upon and cut the loser out of your life. It will drive him crazy (who cares this is for you).

Pack up his stuff and tell him to come and get it... ALL OF IT! He can pack her apartment to the rafters or get a storage unit.

Wash that man right out of your hair. He is doing you a favor.... loser.
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Old 06-11-2012, 06:14 AM
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I'm sorry you are going through this, Painfully. At least you got a goodbye. My A just ran away to mommy last week in Puerto Rico without a goodbye, didn't even tell us leaving. Granted, I moved out of our home 3 weeks prior due to his non-stop drinking. I moved down the street, not out of the country.

After he was well out of the state and finally did contact me, he was spewing the most hateful garbage I have ever heard in my life, all the while claiming sobriety. The way he talked to me, you'd think I held a gun to his head and forced him to live with me the last 14 years. There is no way in hell that man is sober. From the sound of things, your husband has either relapsed already or is about to.

What's been helping me get through this is focusing on things the kids and I enjoy, but couldn't do when he was around.

You will get through it. You and your children will be better of in the end. The one advantage we have over them is that we are dealing with our emotions now while they are self medicating with alcohol, another woman, etc. By the time reality hits them we will be over it and long moved on.
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Old 06-11-2012, 07:42 AM
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painfully, hon, I'm sorry this happened and I know exactly how you feel because this has happened to me many times. Trying to figure out why he has done what he has done is digging your hole deeper. This is not a "relapse" or mental illness or necessarily alcoholism, this is who he IS. And it has nothing to do with you. I also have done those drive-bys and I can tell you it was the worst time in my life. Later, I realized it was pure obsession. I didn't know what else to do. It was making me crazy not knowing where he was. I would drive by ALL NIGHT.

Not to make light of your situation but there is a certain truth to this joke: Q: How can you tell two alcoholics are dating? A: There's a moving van in one of their driveways.

Have you read Codependent No More? If not, please check it out. You can get it at the library or for cheap on Amazon.

(((hugs)))
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Old 06-11-2012, 07:56 AM
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I am so sorry you are going through this, my stomach fell just reading your post. I agree that this is a selfish, horrid way for him to go about things & you obviously deserve better!! You got great advice already, just wanted to add some ((((HUGS))))
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Old 06-11-2012, 08:20 AM
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HI, Painfully

I am so sorry that this is how things are going for you.

My RAH has not cheated, or lied...but I ,too am feeling the pain of having stood by him, helped get him sober, etc, only to have him breeze on by me. He bought a house for himself, without my input.

He says he is just living life, we are separated, not divorced. We were supposedly working on his commiment and consisitently with our son, while he and I take a break...

He now says one day he wants us to move in there, the next day that he is moving on. Lather rinse, repeat...

I feel pretty sure he will crop up aith a "friend" that he is fond of at some point here.

I feel pretty willing to let him go.
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Old 06-11-2012, 09:32 AM
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Well, that really sucks!
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Old 06-11-2012, 10:52 AM
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Seven or eight years ago, my RAH (then just a secret AB) started standing me up to hang out with a cute coworker. I beat down doors, argued, fought, cried, and demanded answers, and was told that she was more interesting than I was, smarter than I was, cuter than I was, and more available than I was.

And what did I do? I *fought* for him!

[insert smilie with insane, maniacal laughter here]

There were sleepless nights, weeks of fighting, I even lost my job during my insane freakout. But I fought for him because I didn't want to be the fat, unattractive, stupid, boring loser that couldn't keep my man. And I won... Er, I "won."

Since the revelation I had about his drinking problem, and especially since I really started working on myself, I have looked back on that moment hundreds of times. I should have left him then. But I didn't. And I should have left him a hundred times after that. And I haven't. And why I'm still here, hating him for all the terrible things he did and said, and hating myself for making myself smaller to stay in the relationship, is one for my therapist.

But in retrospect, that's the time I realize I lost myself.
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Old 06-11-2012, 08:04 PM
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What a painful story. You have my sympathy. After 17 years it was surprising and unexpected unfaithfulness that finally ended it for me and AW. It hurts terribly -- and I have to warn you, to this day I have NEVER gotten a straight answer out of her on who what when where and definitely not why.

She fell off the wagon after 2.5 years right around the time she wandered off with other guys. Mid-life crisis perhaps, or just plain tired of being "good", I will never know.

It feels good to take control. Start making some rules and boundaries, as others have suggested here. There is one valuable thing out there that will make you feel better, and I call it FREEDOM.

Hang in there!
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Old 06-14-2012, 04:17 PM
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You are all so very kind. It amazes me how strangers can be so kind and I'm finding that *most* people seem to think I should just get over it.

I had a full blown crazy moment yesterday. I sent him a text and asked if he would meet me for coffee, he said no. I told him that he had a choice, he could come and meet me on my lunch, meet me after work, or I was going to her house. He said he would call the police. I told him that if he wanted to add having me arrested to everything else, that was his choice. He agreed to meet me.

I gave him a letter. It was pretty long and I can't remember all of it. But, basically I told him that I meant my marriage vows, even though he's unable to keep them right now, I'm keeping mine. I told him that I know he's going through something, and after he's gone through I will be there, waiting on the other side.

I would love to say that he broke down and begged me to come home, but he just looked at me with pity.

Today however is a record day. I have not cried. For some reason I feel a bit stronger. Hopefully, tomorrow I will be stronger still.

I am so sorry to all of you who have gone through similar things. I never imagined that I was capable of feeling pain like this.
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Old 06-14-2012, 04:56 PM
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" I told him that I know he's going through something, and after he's gone through I will be there, waiting on the other side."

Wow, you are really a forgiving person...not me...I'd leave him in my dust.

Keep working on you, therapy might help you work through this difficult time in your life.

Take care, keep posting, it will help.
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Old 06-14-2012, 05:05 PM
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forgiving or foolish, not entirely sure which. I'm just not ready to give up.

I have an appointment with a therapist one week from today. It's time. I have feared this, it frightens me to open up that can of worms. I'm not really sure what else might be in there besides the worms.
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Old 06-14-2012, 09:45 PM
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Your story reminds me of mine SO much. It drives me crazy that don't understand his actions or how he could be so unhappy "all of a sudden" I'm not sure how much has to do with alcohol, midlife crisis, or just unhappy with his marriage.
Its a painful thing to go through. The only thing that would be harder is the loss of a child.
Al Anon helped me stop obsessing about all the what ifs and why that were never going to be answered to my satisfaction. I got out of his head and learned to focus on me. I was also amazed at how many people were there to lend me a hand when I needed it. And I discovered that it was okay to ask for help and accept help when I was at my weakest.
Life just sucks sometimes. And it may not feel like it will ever get better...but it does. Maybe not in the way you want it to but life will go on.
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Old 06-15-2012, 08:36 AM
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My heart just breaks to read your story here, painfully. What a huge disappointment. All I can think of right now is its just not fair to be treated that way, the mother of his children, the woman who stood by him through some pretty lousy years, and just set aside as if none of that meant anything. What a selfish, thoughtless jerk.

People never cease to amaze me, and as hard as I try to hang onto my optimism, I know right now I am pretty cynical given my own experiences. But each day gets better, especially when I stopped having the crazy conversations and trying to make sense of the nonsensical. When I accepted this is the way it is and I want no part of it. Being in the "crazy" mode, as you describe and I am all too familiar with, is just too toxic for my life and my health. When I reached that point, it made walking away that much easier.

Hang in there. Keep coming back! And stay strong for your family right now. Your kid(s?) need you to be the one to set the proper example, since their Dad just completely dropped the ball on that one.

And P.S. Karma IS a bitch (as another poster said already). Chances are highly likely this will be an epic fail with the new GF.
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Old 06-15-2012, 04:07 PM
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I know that my reaction to all of this has been toxic. But, I need(ed) the craziness and need(ed) the grief and tears. I have such a tendency to bottle up my emotions so I suppose I should be thankful that this was hard enough that my emotions wouldn't stay in the bottle.

This is day 2 without tears.

I won't say I haven't had crazy thoughts, that would be a lie. I've had them, but I can breathe through them and call them crazy.

I'm fairly certain that he won't be happy with this person, but I guess he's going to have to learn that for himself. My telling him that isn't going to do anything. I had an honest talk with my kids last night. I let them know that this isn't as easy on me as I'm letting on, but that I love them, and no matter what happens we'll get through it.

I also didn't contact him today. yay me! I wonder how long it will be before he texts me. I've told him to stop telling me that he loves me and misses me, it's just not fair, it messes with my head too much.
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Old 06-15-2012, 04:13 PM
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Painfully, I am in a simlar situation and my heart goes out to you. 2 days is progress. Its ok to lose it sometimes, we are human. Take care of yourself.
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Old 06-15-2012, 05:23 PM
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My ex left me in the same way. No explanations other than some vague reasons that didn't make sense. I think now that he felt guilty on some level for the stuff he was putting me through and eventually claimed that he needed a clean slate, to start a new life. Nice way to deal with guilt! Little does he know that the things we do follow us around, regardless of a new city or a new lover or a new job. And the cycle continues. I was the witness to his destructive behaviours and I figure that he thought that if he got rid of me, he would be absolved from the things he did. Could be similar. Stay tough!
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